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FMIL did a '180' on us??

It makes me really sad that I am having to ask for advice on this.  It is a short story, so I am hoping to turn this around before it becomes a horrible problem.  I have been with my FI forever, and we have always had a loving, great relationship with his parents.  I love his older sister, too! 

We have been engaged for a few weeks now.  Twice we have sat down and tried to talk wedding stuff, for example, dates/possible invite list/ideas, and it has gone beyond terrible.  Twice now my FI has left the hang out furious, and myself in tears the whole way home. All the sudden, she is being rude and fighting us on everything we say.  She is being very aggressive and rolling her eyes, making rude comments, and just overall having a problem with everything.  For example, She even accused me of lying to her and saying that I told her we were getting married in 2016, which is laughable because I have never once said the words, "2016" in my life.  My FI AND my FFIL both told her ( because they were there) that I did not say that.  It is a simple misunderstanding, but she is was being crazy and accusing me to my face of lying about the year, then when I said I did not say that, she went back in forth with me like it was a grade school fight. It got the the point where I just quick talking. This is just one example of several. 

My FI and I cannot figure out what changed or what is going on?? We have never had issues with her or anyone in their family, not even once.  We are shocked and very hurt that she is just trying to create all this drama for zero reason at all.  Just because I know people will ask, they are not paying for anything for the wedding.  They didn't volunteer, so that is fine.  We were just talking to her about decisions we made and ideas just because we want her to be involved because we thought it would be fun.  We now realize that she cannot be involved or she will ruin this for everyone.  This isn't what we wanted but how do we turn this around??  I feel like there is nothing we can do. 

My FI told me today he thinks she is 'jealous'?  I don't really understand why or how? Any thoughts?  We just have no idea what changed? My FI is 30 and his older sister has her own family, so he isn't the first one 'moving on' in life.  Also, we have lived together for years, so us getting engaged/married did not actually change anything at all.  We are just shocked because we cannot figure out where all this drama is coming from and we NEVER thought this was going to be how this was going to go with her.  I hope it changes back ASAP, but it is out of my control. She seemed over the moon when we got engaged, then that quickly changed.  We do not like drama or confrontation, LOL.  I would appreciate any thoughts, similar situations, or suggestions. Thank you!

Re: FMIL did a '180' on us??

  • He might mean that she's jealous that he has another woman in his life, especially if he's the first or only boy. Just don't talk wedding with her.
    [Deleted User]
  • He is her only son, but not her only child. The hard thing is that anytime we have hung around her, she brings up wedding stuff-not us, then starts acting rude. We cannot just cut her out of our life nor do we want that...maybe just have my FI say, "we would rather not talk wedding talk because we do not want any drama"?? I feel like even him saying that will cause drama. It sucks.
  • LoveLee2014LoveLee2014 member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited January 2014
  • It makes me really sad that I am having to ask for advice on this.  It is a short story, so I am hoping to turn this around before it becomes a horrible problem.  I have been with my FI forever, and we have always had a loving, great relationship with his parents.  I love his older sister, too! 

    We have been engaged for a few weeks now.  Twice we have sat down and tried to talk wedding stuff, for example, dates/possible invite list/ideas, and it has gone beyond terrible.  Twice now my FI has left the hang out furious, and myself in tears the whole way home. All the sudden, she is being rude and fighting us on everything we say.  She is being very aggressive and rolling her eyes, making rude comments, and just overall having a problem with everything.  For example, She even accused me of lying to her and saying that I told her we were getting married in 2016, which is laughable because I have never once said the words, "2016" in my life.  My FI AND my FFIL both told her ( because they were there) that I did not say that.  It is a simple misunderstanding, but she is was being crazy and accusing me to my face of lying about the year, then when I said I did not say that, she went back in forth with me like it was a grade school fight. It got the the point where I just quick talking. This is just one example of several. 

    My FI and I cannot figure out what changed or what is going on?? We have never had issues with her or anyone in their family, not even once.  We are shocked and very hurt that she is just trying to create all this drama for zero reason at all.  Just because I know people will ask, they are not paying for anything for the wedding.  They didn't volunteer, so that is fine.  We were just talking to her about decisions we made and ideas just because we want her to be involved because we thought it would be fun.  We now realize that she cannot be involved or she will ruin this for everyone.  This isn't what we wanted but how do we turn this around??  I feel like there is nothing we can do. 

    My FI told me today he thinks she is 'jealous'?  I don't really understand why or how? Any thoughts?  We just have no idea what changed? My FI is 30 and his older sister has her own family, so he isn't the first one 'moving on' in life.  Also, we have lived together for years, so us getting engaged/married did not actually change anything at all.  We are just shocked because we cannot figure out where all this drama is coming from and we NEVER thought this was going to be how this was going to go with her.  I hope it changes back ASAP, but it is out of my control. She seemed over the moon when we got engaged, then that quickly changed.  We do not like drama or confrontation, LOL.  I would appreciate any thoughts, similar situations, or suggestions. Thank you!

    Sorry that you're dealing with this. Sounds like she's having a hard time letting go of her little boy. Even though you two gave lived together, marriage is the real deal and she's having a hard time coming to terms with it.

    That's no excuse for treating you poorly though. Sounds like you've got to employ some serious bean dipping. Avoid all talk of wedding with her. Hopefully she'll come around.

    [Deleted User]
  • I posted this in another thread but:

    In FI's family, dating is one thing. Marriage is completely different. FI's parents, as long as their child is happy while dating this person, they are completely fine. The moment you get a ring involved though the REAL feelings come out.

    Any doubts or concerns that parents (and sometimes other family members) thought about while the couple was dating is let out because at the time they didn't want to bring it up for any number of reasons, most of the time they don't say anything because their child is happy.

    What cruffino said, marriage is the real deal and (each individual is different) permanent.


    I also agree what Teddy917 said. Yes you guys were living together all these years and she may have been happy for you guys, but whether it was conscious or subconscious, SHE was still #1 in his life. Once you're married that spouse becomes your #1 and it's not till it HITS HOME do moms and dads have all of a sudden these negative and mean feelings. Feelings of abandonment and (with some) resentment.


    I think your FI really needs to sit down and have a talk with her. Have him find out what is going on with her.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    [Deleted User]
  • Sorry you are dealing with this.  I think you really shouldn't talk about your plans with her.  I understand your intentions were good but if everyone had their say in how your big day went it wouldn't be your day at all!  I would not discuss any more wedding stuff with her unless you are asking for Aunt Jen's address or something of that nature.  
    I went through something similar to this when I got married.  I think that mother's go through something that you can't understand when their sons get married.  It's almost like empty nest syndrome.  The best advise I can give is for you and FI to stand your ground - she may be hurt at first but eventually she will accept that you are now his #1 priority.  It will just take a period of adjustment.  Good Luck.
    [Deleted User]
  • Sorry you are dealing with this.  I think you really shouldn't talk about your plans with her.  I understand your intentions were good but if everyone had their say in how your big day went it wouldn't be your day at all!  I would not discuss any more wedding stuff with her unless you are asking for Aunt Jen's address or something of that nature.  
    I went through something similar to this when I got married.  I think that mother's go through something that you can't understand when their sons get married.  It's almost like empty nest syndrome.  The best advise I can give is for you and FI to stand your ground - she may be hurt at first but eventually she will accept that you are now his #1 priority.  It will just take a period of adjustment.  Good Luck.

    This made me lol. When we asked FMIL for addresses for the few people we let her invite (i.e. distant family I've never met and FH hasn't seen in 10+ years, but she insists they have to be invited...) she freaked out and said that we need to be the ones contacting these guests for addresses and she doesn't have their phone numbers so she couldn't call them anyway. Like seriously?! That's the moment we stopped talking about anything wedding related around her, she isn't paying and her behaviour is ridiculous, so we don't need that extra stress.

     

    [Deleted User]
  • Thank you all so much for the kind advice.  I was talking with my mom who only had daughters, so she is thinking it is just a different experience when a son gets married...I know I am not the first one this has happened to, nor the last.  I just hope she will come around before she does serious damage to her and her sons relationship.  He is more upset than I am about all this.  I am trying not to take it personal, but it is proving to be difficult.

    @kmj500- that is a good time to cut the wedding talks when that stuff starts happening! LOL She insists they be invited yet has no form of contact, how fun.  The extra stress part is not fun.  The crazy part of my situation is that she has told me nightmare stories about how her MIL treated her for YEARS. 
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If visits with FMIL always seem to wind up with her yelling, then for a while stop accepting any invitations to hang out with her.  FI should say, "Mom, I love you, but everytime we get together, you get mad and yell at FI and I.  And while I appreciate you apologizing to me, I think its in our best interest is we just have a cooling off period, where we don't see each other face to face."  This will show her that the more she acts out, the less she will see her son. Depending how ofter you would see her previously, make a good timeframe for you and FI to stay away from FMIL.  Also, don't talk wedding with her at all.  Just keep changing the subject or have FI say that you won't talk about the wedding with her period.
    LoveLee2014AprilH81
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Is there any possibility that this is the result of something medical?

    Whatever the case, I'd just stop talking with her for the time being, especially about your wedding.  For now, let the air cool, and let your FI be the one to do any communications between you.
  • @LoveLee2014 How funny, my FMIL has zero contact with her MIL and hasn't seen her in years. You'd think that after having a toxic relationship with your own inlaws, you'd want to make an effort to be nice because you would know how that story plays out.

    I honestly think it's just a lot of jealously, most of which is based off of wild, untrue assumptions because she thinks she knows everything and doesn't bother to ask any questions. It's just super frustrating because she isn't hurting me, I could careless if she likes me because I'm happy with myself and am not going to change anything about me for anyone. She's hurting FH and it's going to end in us not seeing them anymore if she keeps it up.

    It's nice to know I'm not the only one in this situation, and I may vent about it a lot on here, but it's just good to get things off my chest.

     

  • @kmj500 I know! It seems so weird to me for them to 'repeat the cycle' of the evil MIL.  They both know exactly what it is like to be us and here they are, for no reason treating the person their own son wants to bring her grandchildren into this world for her, like crap.  I would marry my FI no matter what his mom did or said, but I always loved that his family was so nice to me. Ironic now that we want her around the most, it's going like this.  I will say I do not have a 'thick skin', it does hurt my feeling!! I want her to like me!  Saying that, it hurts my FI more than it does me.  I wish she realized that.

    The venting on here is nice because I do not want to talk about it a ton with my FI because he gets mad at her and it can just kind of ruin the day.  Feel free to message me anytime! :)

    I want to say thank you for any and all advice/thoughts!    
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    @kmj500 I know! It seems so weird to me for them to 'repeat the cycle' of the evil MIL.  They both know exactly what it is like to be us and here they are, for no reason treating the person their own son wants to bring her grandchildren into this world for her, like crap.  I would marry my FI no matter what his mom did or said, but I always loved that his family was so nice to me. Ironic now that we want her around the most, it's going like this.  I will say I do not have a 'thick skin', it does hurt my feeling!! I want her to like me!  Saying that, it hurts my FI more than it does me.  I wish she realized that.

    The venting on here is nice because I do not want to talk about it a ton with my FI because he gets mad at her and it can just kind of ruin the day.  Feel free to message me anytime! :)

    I want to say thank you for any and all advice/thoughts!    
    To the bolded, maybe the next time that you do have a get together with your FILs, you can bring a copy of Monster-in-Law, if you haven't seen it - its bascially the same deal.  Just say you've been on a wedding movie kick since getting engaged and this was next on your list!
  • @kmj500 I know! It seems so weird to me for them to 'repeat the cycle' of the evil MIL.  They both know exactly what it is like to be us and here they are, for no reason treating the person their own son wants to bring her grandchildren into this world for her, like crap.  I would marry my FI no matter what his mom did or said, but I always loved that his family was so nice to me. Ironic now that we want her around the most, it's going like this.  I will say I do not have a 'thick skin', it does hurt my feeling!! I want her to like me!  Saying that, it hurts my FI more than it does me.  I wish she realized that.

    The venting on here is nice because I do not want to talk about it a ton with my FI because he gets mad at her and it can just kind of ruin the day.  Feel free to message me anytime! :)

    I want to say thank you for any and all advice/thoughts!    
    To the bolded, maybe the next time that you do have a get together with your FILs, you can bring a copy of Monster-in-Law, if you haven't seen it - its bascially the same deal.  Just say you've been on a wedding movie kick since getting engaged and this was next on your list!
    LMAO!! Nice one!!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • @OliveOilsMom HAHAH I will have to rent this movie!! Maybe anonymously mail it to her. jk ;)
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