Not Engaged Yet

I need to whine. And also, I need wine.

Just kidding, I don't like wine. But I still want to get this out of my system.

Basically, C is being mean, and it's hurting my little feelings. After we broke up a couple months ago, he contacted me quite a few times to get together, talk, etc., which was too much too soon. I tried ignoring him but finally had to tell him to stop, and he backed off for maybe three weeks. When he then apologized for contacting me too soon and asked if he could take me out that weekend to have some fun, I was like, "...I guess this is really not sinking in." From the things he said, it seemed like he felt that we were just separated for a while, that maybe reconciliation was possible, etc. I know now after spending time thinking about this and in counseling that our relationship was not right for me, and I felt it was important to say so to him, in no uncertain (but still as kind as possible) terms, so he could move on.

C is a big emailer (for some reason through our five years together, that's how we preferred to contact each other...weirdo strange introverts, we are), so I typed up a short letter basically detailing that I'm sorry, I don't see us getting back together successfully, you don't have to like it or agree with me, but please respect that this is my decision for myself. I also told him I was sorry that the past couple of months have been so hard and painful, and that I hated that I was such a part of causing that (I feel like I wasn't firm enough initially and that he probably carried some false hope from that, even though I was completely honest with him about how I felt).

Basically, he responded that I'm not who he thought I was, my "true colors" are starting to show, and that I'm "no one worth fighting for." He also said he would be writing back later with some other things he wants to say, and then he'll be able to move on. Can't WAIT to read this one; I have a feeling it's going to be much worse and harder to get through.

Sigh. So, I basically need to get over it. I think he's speaking from a place of being hurt and disappointed, and I kind of expected this kind of reaction at some point. It just smarts a little to hear someone who knows me so well say that I'm basically worthless and that any of the good things he saw in me must have been an act. I'm definitely not perfect and I made some HUGE mistakes in our relationship, but he will never understand that every single one of those mistakes was made because I was trying to protect his feelings and put his happiness before my own. Lesson learned...It just stings a little right now.

Re: I need to whine. And also, I need wine.

  • Can you block his email address? You don't need or deserve that kind of treatment.
  • melmac86melmac86 member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited January 2014
    I agree that he is speaking from a place of hurt and disappointment (and feeling rejected). It doesn't excuse him from making hurtful statements, but I guess the point is that you should take it with a grain of salt. He can't actually feel these things about you, because if he thought that poorly of you, he wouldn't have tried or held out hope of getting back together. I can only imagine what kinds of terrible things ex-BF said or thought (and occasionally did say) about me after breaking it off, but at the end of the day it didn't matter, because I didn't have to put up with him anymore.

    Most important is that you've learned from your mistakes in the relationship and can make sure not to bring those same things into the next one.

    Hugs for you!

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  • Hugs!!  I don't love love wine, but this might actually be a time for a glass.  Some boys are silly when relationships end and don't know how to deal with their feelings.  Sending you a whole bunch of vibes to get through this!  Love you so much!
    I guess, to tell you the truth, I've never had much of a desire to grow facial hair. I think I've managed to play quarterback just fine without a mustache. - Peyton
  • Hugs!!! Seriously what @KeptInStitches said! And if you can't block his email, then don't even read it. Whatever he says is coming from a place of hurt and meanness and is not AT ALL the truth about you or the person that you are.

    I say it's time for a glass of whatever your favorite alcoholic beverage happens to be. <3<3<3



  • I know this is WAY easier said than done, but TRY your hardest not to take it personally. Even though he knows you well, YOU know yourself better - and you know that the things he has said, and what he is going to say are not true. And, if, by chance, something he says DOES resonate as true to you, tell yourself "he's right, and I'm going to fix that." and move on. 

    Or, just delete the email as soon as you get it, without reading (which is virtually IMPOSSIBLE). 

    Big hugs to you!! 



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    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

  • What!?!  How can you not like wine?  You haven't hung out with me enough.  It is now my mission to find wine that you will like.  My life is incomplete without wine.  For realz.

    As for C,  it sucks that he is being passive aggressive with the email confrontation.  I get that's how he communicates, and he feels he needs to get it out.  Some people have a really hard time cutting ties and moving on.  I would clarify what type of contact you're comfortable having with him, and take what he's saying from being in a place of hurt.  Time heals and he's just not there yet.  You did what is right for you.  Sometimes staying in contact seems like it's the right thing to do, but doesn't really allow for the closure that a person needs.

    Hugs!
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  • Omigosh, I love you guys so much. <3

    @BriSox81, yeah, that is basically impossible. I may delay reading it until the weekend when I don't have all the things to study, but I think I'll eventually want to know what he says. Like you said, if something resonates as true, I do want to fix it. I just don't also want to sit there feeling like, "But I want to explaaaaiiiin myself!" because it's just not the right time for all that mess.

    @suzie211, if you find me wine that I like, I will be very impressed, lol. I will say that I don't mind sweeter wines, but ultimately I just don't like the way it feels in my throat.

    Anyway, yeah, I told him that I want to have a friendship when it's the right time, and that I do look forward to seeing him at friends' get-togethers, at a wedding we're both invited to in a couple months, etc. - I just didn't think we should hang out alone and do anything too "date-like" right away. I thought that was totally reasonable, and when I think about everything else I said, I was absolutely as kind and gentle as I could be while also being honest and firm. I wouldn't change any of it, even knowing that this is what he has to say to it, so there's that.
  • So, a few thoughts:

    1) It's officially to stop catering to C's feelings. Not that you've been overly apologetic or a serious doormat about the break-up. It sounds like you've been trying very carefully to avoid hurting him, and that's wonderful. But the thing is, he's probably going to be sad and hurt about the break-up for a long time, no matter what you say to him. And at this point, you need to take care of yourself. You're not being an asshole for saying, "This isn't an open discussion anymore. If you email, call, or text me, I'm not going to reply. I need some space and time to move on."

    2) Block his email and his phone number. If you can't block email, have a filter set up that sends his emails directly to trash. Just thinking about him sending you that next email is making my chest feel all tight with anxiety.

    3) People hurt after break-ups and say and do things that are out of character. I don't like thinking about my break-ups because I'm appalled and beyond embarrassed at my behavior after being dumped. That doesn't mean that you need to ignore everything C says and does as out of character--he is 100% in control of his behavior, and the things he says and does are things he's able to not say or do. But at the same time, it does mean that there's going to be a period of time (and it might not be a short period of time) where you need to have him not be in your life. Minimizing contact will prevent you from having to deal with him putting you down, or making you second-guess your decision. It'll also do him the favor of minimizing the amount of stuff he'll do that he'll look back on and go, "Uuuuugh what was wrong with me?"

    4) BREAK-UPS SUCK. I really never appreciated how difficult it was to dump someone until a couple of my friends broke up with their significant others. Once I saw how hard it was on them, I stopped treating break-ups like there was one victim, and instead started treating the relationship as a shared loss, with different perspectives.

    I used to be so angry with my ex-boyfriends for what I perceived as leading me on and giving me false hope. These days, with a new perspective, I see that they were just REALLY trying to spare my feelings. It wasn't that they hated me or thought I was terrible; they just didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore. That REALLY hurts on its own, but it's not something malicious.

    C isn't going to see that you're not malicious, and he might never see it. I hope he does figure it out someday.

    5) While I think it's great when two people break up and are able to preserve their friendship, I think it's nearly impossibly difficult for most people to have a friendship after a break-up (especially immediately after). It can be very difficult, emotionally, to lose someone from your life, even if you don't want to be in a relationship with them anymore. And, "I still want to be friends" is a way of telling the other person, "I value you as a person, even if I don't want to be in a romantic relationship with you anymore."

    But I think that it's better to treat friendship-post-break-up as a bonus rather than a goal. I think that if you go with the assumption that breaking up means losing the person from your life, it hurts a lot more when you make the decision to end the relationship, but it speeds up the process of (both of you) moving on. Once you learn that it's possible to live without that person, and still have happiness and friends and fun and hope and love, it's much easier to let go of all the crap that comes with a break-up and start viewing your ex as just another person again. And often, you find that you don't really miss that person as much as you thought you would.

    6) C is likely seeking closure. I have never had closure with anyone. I don't know if it exists. Either way, I don't think he even knows what he wants at this point, besides to stop feeling miserable. If he wanted to get back together, he wouldn't be saying really mean things. He really needs to leave you alone. You can't control his behavior--you can't magically make him leave you alone--but you can refuse to read or respond to his messages. That way, his tirades will just be him venting to no one. That's better for everyone.

    7) How about hard cider?
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
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  • CLoGreenEyesCLoGreenEyes member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited January 2014
    @Phira - you are very wise and absolutely right about...well, everything. I absolutely don't plan on responding to anything else he says for a while. I feel like anymore contact would just be meaningless because I've said what I've had to say, and like you said, I don't want to give him more to have to process, deal with, and remember later on.

    You are right that break-ups can cause even the nicest people to say and do some pretty nasty things. I can see that kind of happening here. I just hope this doesn't spill over into how our mutual friends see either one of us. I had held off on putting it out there because I was waiting for him to be OK with what had happened (hahahaha....ha.), and I just don't know how they're going to react, if anybody's going to pick sides, etc. This is the first big relationship and first big break-up for both of us, so you're right, I can't expect him to have a whole lot of perspective and be OK with everything rightthissecond - or ever. That's hard for me to swallow, but I guess I'm going to have to.

    Cider is yummy! Or hard lemonade, or hard cranberry juice - all excellent choices. For the moment, I'm thinking of pouring some Malibu into my Diet Coke.
  • *hugs* I'm sure he's just lashing out because he is hurting (not that, that makes it okay). I definitely would not read that e-mail. You don't need to subject yourself to his verbal abuse for him to be able to move on.


  • His need to send something to you doesn't mean you need to read it.

    Arnold Bennett said, "Your own mind is a sacred enclosure into which nothing harmful can enter except by your permission."

    Just because he wants to tell you hurtful, mean, cruel things doesn't mean you have to listen to them. 

    If/when he gets that e-mail, delete it. He's not worth your time worrying, and he doesn't have the right to hurt you any more.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • Everyone has already passed on some very solid advice so I just want to send you great big hugs <3



  • I'm with @Swazzle on this one - you've got some great advice, it's something many of us has been through.  Vent away when you need to!!


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    Anniversary
  • I'm in the 'don't read it' camp. He's hurting, and he wants you to feel some hurt too. But you don't have to subject yourself to that.

    Hugs from me to you!

    "Stuart was scared, but he loved Margalo, Mommy. And there is nothing bigger than love." -The Bean
     "His farts smell like Satan's asshole mixed with a skunk's vagina. But it's okay, because I love him." -CSousa









  • I agree with PPs, all the statements mentioned above are wise. I am also on the "don't read/block all of his emails" team. Break ups suck, regardless of which side of the break up you are on. I think C is probably hurting and lashed out because you rejected him. When C sends that "second email in order to move on" no matter how tempting it is, I would avoid reading it. In my eyes, for him to say "you're no one worth fighting for" (even though his feelings were hurt) just proves that the decision to break up with him was a good one. You're the one who is worth fighting for, he isn't. 

    I'm sorry you have to deal with his antics. Stay strong.
    **hugs**
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