Canceled wedding twice, feeling hopeless

beam20062010

This is my first time posting; and I am doing so because I am going through a difficult time and really need the opinions, advice of other women/brides. 

To begin, my DF and I have been together for 9 years and in 2012 we already had a family with two beautiful girls. I had always dreamed of having a wedding since my first daughter was born and after saving up our money, we planned for a June 15th, 2013 wedding. Everything was going great until about half way through my wedding planning when I found out I was pregnant. 

Therefore, I would be noticeably pregnant on my wedding day and unable to fit into the dress that I loved. Keep in mind, that we live a rural area with predominantly traditional values where, like both our parents, it's expected to first get married and then have children. 

Also, I had waited a long time, like many brides, for this special day and I couldn't find myself enjoying it being over five months pregnant. Even though my save the dates had already been mailed out, we decided to postpone the wedding until after the baby. It was so embarrassing to call all of our guests and vendors to explain why we were not having our wedding. However, I had waited this long and told myself, "what is one more year."

Well, now it's one year later and I have a wonderful, healthy baby girl that I have been blessed with! The last several weeks have been filled with very little sleep as I have attempted to resume wedding planning and take care of an infant. What was I thinking?! Unfortunately, a wedding planner is not in the budget, my family isn't interested in helping and I don't want to pay a sitter just so I can plan a wedding. 

As difficult as it was, I decided that being a mom was more important and they are only this little once. Therefore, the wedding, for the second year in a row, is now officially canceled. Although, I know my decision was the right thing to do, it still is not easy. And so begins the task of letting all of our family and close friends know that once again our wedding is not happening. 

I guess I am really looking for support because lately I have been feeling embarrassed, sad, confused, and hopeless. At this point, I am not even sure if I want to try and plan something for 2015. I just don't get it, why is having a wedding so important to me? My family keeps telling me a wedding is just a huge waste of money. We can afford a wedding, that isn't the issue. However, they continue to tell me how ridiculous it is to spend money on just one day and care about the endless details. 

So, my questions are: Is all the stress, the planning, and in my case, the waiting, all worth the wedding experience in the end? Should I feel embarrassed to even have a wedding after now canceling it twice and wearing a white dress after having three kids? Why is having a wedding so important to me? Am I just being extremely selfish? I am not even someone that likes all the attention on me, but for some reason having a wedding means so much to me. Should I face the fact that after three kids, I have missed this opportunity in my life? Is this something that I will one day regret not having done? Or am I making a big deal over something that isn't all that important?

Thanks for listening to me vent.      

    

HisGirlFriday13

beam20062010 said:

This is my first time posting; and I am doing so because I am going through a difficult time and really need the opinions, advice of other women/brides. 

To begin, my DF and I have been together for 9 years and in 2012 we already had a family with two beautiful girls. I had always dreamed of having a wedding since my first daughter was born and after saving up our money, we planned for a June 15th, 2013 wedding. Everything was going great until about half way through my wedding planning when I found out I was pregnant. 

Therefore, I would be noticeably pregnant on my wedding day and unable to fit into the dress that I loved. Keep in mind, that we live a rural area with predominantly traditional values where, like both our parents, it's expected to first get married and then have children. 

Also, I had waited a long time, like many brides, for this special day and I couldn't find myself enjoying it being over five months pregnant. Even though my save the dates had already been mailed out, we decided to postpone the wedding until after the baby. It was so embarrassing to call all of our guests and vendors to explain why we were not having our wedding. However, I had waited this long and told myself, "what is one more year."

Well, now it's one year later and I have a wonderful, healthy baby girl that I have been blessed with! The last several weeks have been filled with very little sleep as I have attempted to resume wedding planning and take care of an infant. What was I thinking?! Unfortunately, a wedding planner is not in the budget, my family isn't interested in helping and I don't want to pay a sitter just so I can plan a wedding. 

As difficult as it was, I decided that being a mom was more important and they are only this little once. Therefore, the wedding, for the second year in a row, is now officially canceled. Although, I know my decision was the right thing to do, it still is not easy. And so begins the task of letting all of our family and close friends know that once again our wedding is not happening. 

I guess I am really looking for support because lately I have been feeling embarrassed, sad, confused, and hopeless. At this point, I am not even sure if I want to try and plan something for 2015. I just don't get it, why is having a wedding so important to me? My family keeps telling me a wedding is just a huge waste of money. We can afford a wedding, that isn't the issue. However, they continue to tell me how ridiculous it is to spend money on just one day and care about the endless details. 

So, my questions are: Is all the stress, the planning, and in my case, the waiting, all worth the wedding experience in the end? Should I feel embarrassed to even have a wedding after now canceling it twice and wearing a white dress after having three kids? Why is having a wedding so important to me? Am I just being extremely selfish? I am not even someone that likes all the attention on me, but for some reason having a wedding means so much to me. Should I face the fact that after three kids, I have missed this opportunity in my life? Is this something that I will one day regret not having done? Or am I making a big deal over something that isn't all that important?

Thanks for listening to me vent.      

    

First bold: The wedding experience is the day on which you marry your best friend. Nothing more, nothing less. 

Second bold: Wearing white is symbolic of a first marriage, not purity or virginity.

Third bold: Having a wedding should mean something to you -- it should mean marry your best friend and pledging your lives to each other. 

Forget everything the wedding industry wants you to believe about a wedding. What you need is you, your FI, and an officiant. Everything else is gravy.

So sit down with your FI, figure out the people you'd absolutely want to have there (and maybe that's just you and him and your girls), figure out what you can afford, and make that happen. 

If that means you go to the MDJ and have a courthouse ceremony and then go on about your daily lives, then so be it. 

If that means that you get your priest/pastor to marry you after church some Sunday, with just your families there and then you all go out to eat at a local restaurant (you and FI hosting), then so be it. 

But the hoopla -- flowers and cakes and white dresses and wedding parties and pre-wedding events -- that's all ephemera. Don't worry about that.

Don't let the perfect (your vision of this wedding you think you want) be the enemy of the good (the life you and your FI are building).

JCbride2015

Congratulations on your little ones!  First off, you should not feel embarrassed about getting married when you already have kids.  Lots of people have kids before marriage and you and Fi are just as entitled to formalize your partnership as anybody else. 

But it does sound like you are just too busy/stressed to plan a big wedding.  Why not have a simple morning ceremony and brunch with your close family and friends afterward?  Or get a sitter and elope over a weekend with Fi?  There are a ton of ways to get married and they don't all have to include a huge blowout party that causes you stress.  If you're worrying about throwing a big expensive bash, nope it's not worth it.  Do something small, easy, and simple.

beam20062010

Thanks for your responses. I really appreciate you both taking the time. From the beginning, I started out planning a larger wedding, nothing huge, but definitely not small and simple. So I guess I never entertained the idea of changing what we already had planned. As of now, I have the bridesmaid's dresses, lots of decor, deposit on larger reception place, among other things.

I understand that the day is really just about my DF and I sharing our love for one another. However, in my mind the day I had planned with everything included was going to be that personal, romantic day as well. Maybe I got caught up in thinking I needed all the other stuff or I would be missing out on something. All of my friends have had these big, nice weddings. I am just wondering if all that stuff really did make it an experience well worth the time and stress it took to get there?       

JCbride2015

beam20062010 said:

Thanks for your responses. I really appreciate you both taking the time. From the beginning, I started out planning a larger wedding, nothing huge, but definitely not small and simple. So I guess I never entertained the idea of changing what we already had planned. As of now, I have the bridesmaid's dresses, lots of decor, deposit on larger reception place, among other things.

I understand that the day is really just about my DF and I sharing our love for one another. However, in my mind the day I had planned with everything included was going to be that personal, romantic day as well. Maybe I got caught up in thinking I needed all the other stuff or I would be missing out on something. All of my friends have had these big, nice weddings. I am just wondering if all that stuff really did make it an experience well worth the time and stress it took to get there?       

Well, I'm only in the early stages of planning a big wedding like you are describing, so I don't know if I will look back and think it's worth it.  I can say now that after being together ~11 years and engaged already for a year, I just feel ready to be married and not bother with such a large party.  I love my friends and family and very much want to celebrate with them, I just wish it didn't involve so much saving and waiting to do it.  So, I really hope the day is a blast after all it is taking to get there.  But I think as I get older and more mature (not saying you're immature at all OP, this is just me) the big party looks less important.

There are many posters on these boards who had small, simple weddings and are very happy with the decision they made.  And plenty who had big weddings and are also happy.  It's very personal and really depends on what is important to you.

jdluvr06

OP first off you didn't cancel your wedding IMO. You just postponed it since you and your FI still plan on getting married. I have also had to postpone our wedding twice (for different reasons. Congrats on your girls btw!) and I have a pretty good idea what you are going through. I think you and your FI need to sit down and figure out what you really want for your wedding. The first time we started planning our wedding we thought we wanted the big wedding with all the flowers, ect. Now we've realized we want something smallish and simple. Things change and priorities change, I imagine even more so after you have children, so you guys just need to decide what is important to you.

beam20062010

Thanks, PP. It's nice to know that someone else out there has gone through a similar situation and understands how incredibly frustrating it is. I am going to think more about doing the smaller wedding instead of the big one I originally had planned. The bigger wedding is something I wish I had done when I was younger before kids. Now that my life has changed maybe my idea of the perfect wedding needs to as well.   

WinstonsGirl

Having the wedding you and your FI want is what's important.  While you don't need to give in to the wedding industry, if that's the type of wedding you want and you have the budget then do it!!  Otherwise you'll just end up back here planning a PPD and we'll all hate on you for it.    

My feeling was that I'm only doing this once, and we're going to do it the way we want to.  Wear a white dress.  Kids don't matter.  White dresses were used to show wealth, cos you could afford to wear a dress once (white getting dirty so easily).  Kids don't mean that you should miss out on a wedding, so don't feel bad about having one.   Just remember that it will never be perfect (you can't afford something, weather doesn't cooperate, baby cries during the ceremony, etc.) no matter how much you plan and yet at the same time, it will be one of the most perfect days of you life cos it's the day you marry your FI.  It's like child birth I think - painful and messy but one of the best things you've every gone through??  

TiaTea

I can't tell you how to feel. But I can tell you how I feel about being invited to a wedding like that: confused and not really exited.
A second cousin of mine lives with his GF for a very long time. They have a 5yo kid ( adorable girl) and a second one (  a boy) on the way. They'll get married   after the boy is born.
While I am happy for them, I don't see anything exciting. I mean , nothing changes. They already live together . They maintain a household together.  They even have children. They are living the married life . All they will change is the legal status. But unlike some couples for whom it might be some victory ( as in a gay couple who was prevented until now to liegally marry) theirs is a matter of choice. And not much will change since they have things arranged ( legally)  the way they would have been if they were married on the first place. The custody of the children, the ownership of the house, who gets what in case of... I mean, if you get married , it's by law, but you can arrange those things with other documents, and they did.

IMO , if you get married at this point , it will be a waste, if you do all the  "dad walks me down the isle", "first dance", "first kiss", "first look", etc. All those first things. Also a bachelor/ette night is kind of forced. If you have children already , it should be a parent's , ( a single parent's?) night.
The gifts usually associated with weddings are generally to help you put a home together. You already have ( after all those years) all the dishes and toasters. If I were a guest , I would probably give you a cash present. But even that feels strange, since you are not starting anything together. It feels like " You are so many years together! Here , have some cash!" Just doesn't sound right.

Other than that, I am all for having any party for anything you want. And if you feel "pricess-y", wear this big puffy princess gown, by all means. But if you feel like the independant, decision making, already resposible for other people ( your kids) person, you might feel silly.

You are already up to the more important stuff in life. You are not going to miss it ( the wedding festivities)  more than you are going to miss not going to a prom night , for example.

Good luck and enjoy, no matter which way you decide.

climbingsingle

Thanks for your responses. I really appreciate you both taking the time. From the beginning, I started out planning a larger wedding, nothing huge, but definitely not small and simple. So I guess I never entertained the idea of changing what we already had planned. As of now, I have the bridesmaid's dresses, lots of decor, deposit on larger reception place, among other things.

I understand that the day is really just about my DF and I sharing our love for one another. However, in my mind the day I had planned with everything included was going to be that personal, romantic day as well. Maybe I got caught up in thinking I needed all the other stuff or I would be missing out on something. All of my friends have had these big, nice weddings. I am just wondering if all that stuff really did make it an experience well worth the time and stress it took to get there?       

****Stuck in the box

I don't think any of us can answer that for you. I'm planning my second wedding. And while it's not small (we're inviting about 100 people), I'm keeping the entire thing very low key and very laid back. Planning really has been relatively easy. My FI and I are paying for everything ourselves. I'm not having flowers or a traditional cake or bridesmaids. What I really care about is marrying my FI and having our family and close friends there. 

I personally think you go ahead with the wedding next year. Scale back what you had in mind. Plan a simple day. If what's really important to you at the end of the day is just being married to your FI, maybe you don't need to have all the extras you know?

climbingsingle

TiaTea said:

I can't tell you how to feel. But I can tell you how I feel about being invited to a wedding like that: confused and not really exited.
A second cousin of mine lives with his GF for a very long time. They have a 5yo kid ( adorable girl) and a second one (  a boy) on the way. They'll get married   after the boy is born.
While I am happy for them, I don't see anything exciting. I mean , nothing changes. They already live together . They maintain a household together.  They even have children. They are living the married life . All they will change is the legal status. But unlike some couples for whom it might be some victory ( as in a gay couple who was prevented until now to liegally marry) theirs is a matter of choice. And not much will change since they have things arranged ( legally)  the way they would have been if they were married on the first place. The custody of the children, the ownership of the house, who gets what in case of... I mean, if you get married , it's by law, but you can arrange those things with other documents, and they did.

IMO , if you get married at this point , it will be a waste, if you do all the  "dad walks me down the isle", "first dance", "first kiss", "first look", etc. All those first things. Also a bachelor/ette night is kind of forced. If you have children already , it should be a parent's , ( a single parent's?) night.
The gifts usually associated with weddings are generally to help you put a home together. You already have ( after all those years) all the dishes and toasters. If I were a guest , I would probably give you a cash present. But even that feels strange, since you are not starting anything together. It feels like " You are so many years together! Here , have some cash!" Just doesn't sound right.

Other than that, I am all for having any party for anything you want. And if you feel "pricess-y", wear this big puffy princess gown, by all means. But if you feel like the independant, decision making, already resposible for other people ( your kids) person, you might feel silly.

You are already up to the more important stuff in life. You are not going to miss it ( the wedding festivities)  more than you are going to miss not going to a prom night , for example.

Good luck and enjoy, no matter which way you decide.

You have got to be fucking kidding me with this nonsense. 

I haven't had any caffeine yet, so I'm having a hard time putting together a reply. But who are you to judge other's life choices. So what if they have kids? So what if they've been living together for a long time? I've attended the wedding of a friend that had been with a guy for 10 years. They already had a kid together. And none of that changed the joy I felt for her/them when they married. What kind of unhappy, cold-hearted person do you have to be to not feel any amount of happiness for two people in that situation? 

Is it just the living together that you judge? Or is it having children already? I'm guessing by your logic, all couples living shouldn't bother getting married. FI and I live together. We maintain a household. 

jenna8984

I really don't think you have "missed your chance" because you have kids. My brother just married his 2nd wife and he has a son from the first and the new bride was 4 months pregnant at the wedding. Nobody thought it was silly or stupid or that they didn't deserve the day they wanted. They are just as much a loving couple starting their lives together as anyone without kids. Also I don't think you should be embarrassed about postponing because it was obviously for a good reason, not because you two weren't getting along and having second thoughts, that makes it completely different in my eyes.

Planning doesn't have to be a stressful, time consuming process. Honestly, friends keep asking me how the planning is going and I have nothing to say to them because I'm not doing anything. We chose the venue (the first one we looked at) and they take care of all the food, drinks, linens, chairs, tent, etc. So I don't have to worry about anything except telling them what color napkin to use and chosing which 3 entrees I want. (that takes 3 minutes). We called around a few DJ's, met with one, and signed him (took 2 hours max including researching). I asked around for a few photographer's pricing and ended up going with a close friend (took 2 hours max). I ordered my lantern centerpeices from Pier One online (took 4 minutes and they're sitting in my guest room ready to roll).

Our wedding isn't going to be extravagant but it is going to be a really fun day with 60 friends and family and we just aren't stressed about any of the small stuff because it doesn't matter to us. You can definitely plan something amazing with little effort! But if that's still too daunting, there's absolutely nothing wrong with getting married at the courthouse and going out for a fabulous dinner!

Jells2dot0

beam20062010 said:

This is my first time posting; and I am doing so because I am going through a difficult time and really need the opinions, advice of other women/brides. 

To begin, my DF and I have been together for 9 years and in 2012 we already had a family with two beautiful girls. I had always dreamed of having a wedding since my first daughter was born and after saving up our money, we planned for a June 15th, 2013 wedding. Everything was going great until about half way through my wedding planning when I found out I was pregnant. 

Therefore, I would be noticeably pregnant on my wedding day and unable to fit into the dress that I loved. Keep in mind, that we live a rural area with predominantly traditional values where, like both our parents, it's expected to first get married and then have children. 

Also, I had waited a long time, like many brides, for this special day and I couldn't find myself enjoying it being over five months pregnant. Even though my save the dates had already been mailed out, we decided to postpone the wedding until after the baby. It was so embarrassing to call all of our guests and vendors to explain why we were not having our wedding. However, I had waited this long and told myself, "what is one more year."

Well, now it's one year later and I have a wonderful, healthy baby girl that I have been blessed with! The last several weeks have been filled with very little sleep as I have attempted to resume wedding planning and take care of an infant. What was I thinking?! Unfortunately, a wedding planner is not in the budget, my family isn't interested in helping and I don't want to pay a sitter just so I can plan a wedding. 

As difficult as it was, I decided that being a mom was more important and they are only this little once. Therefore, the wedding, for the second year in a row, is now officially canceled. Although, I know my decision was the right thing to do, it still is not easy. And so begins the task of letting all of our family and close friends know that once again our wedding is not happening. 

I guess I am really looking for support because lately I have been feeling embarrassed, sad, confused, and hopeless. At this point, I am not even sure if I want to try and plan something for 2015. I just don't get it, why is having a wedding so important to me? My family keeps telling me a wedding is just a huge waste of money. We can afford a wedding, that isn't the issue. However, they continue to tell me how ridiculous it is to spend money on just one day and care about the endless details. 

So, my questions are: Is all the stress, the planning, and in my case, the waiting, all worth the wedding experience in the end? Should I feel embarrassed to even have a wedding after now canceling it twice and wearing a white dress after having three kids? Why is having a wedding so important to me? Am I just being extremely selfish? I am not even someone that likes all the attention on me, but for some reason having a wedding means so much to me. Should I face the fact that after three kids, I have missed this opportunity in my life? Is this something that I will one day regret not having done? Or am I making a big deal over something that isn't all that important?

Thanks for listening to me vent.      

    

As other posters have said, only you can decide how important is to you and your relationship. However, I am on my second marriage and can share my own experience. I had what would probably considered a luxury wedding when I married the first time. Church wedding, white poofy gown, elegant reception, lots of guests. It was a fantastic and grand event. My second wedding was actually an elopement. No guests, out of the country, very simple and very private. I have fonder memories of my second wedding than the first and it has nothing to do with how I feel about my ex or the outcome of the marriage. The second wedding was just a very special, meaningful, personal experience. That being said, I wanted a very small, personal wedding the first time around, but my parents wanted a larger event and they offered to pay for it. I wished I had followed my gut and stuck with my plans for a smaller wedding. So, hopefully I didn't confuse you, but my advice is that it doesn't matter if a wedding is large or small, but you should really follow your gut as to what is best for you, your personalities, and your relationship.

Jells2dot0

TiaTea said:

I can't tell you how to feel. But I can tell you how I feel about being invited to a wedding like that: confused and not really exited.
A second cousin of mine lives with his GF for a very long time. They have a 5yo kid ( adorable girl) and a second one (  a boy) on the way. They'll get married   after the boy is born.
While I am happy for them, I don't see anything exciting. I mean , nothing changes. They already live together . They maintain a household together.  They even have children. They are living the married life . All they will change is the legal status. But unlike some couples for whom it might be some victory ( as in a gay couple who was prevented until now to liegally marry) theirs is a matter of choice. And not much will change since they have things arranged ( legally)  the way they would have been if they were married on the first place. The custody of the children, the ownership of the house, who gets what in case of... I mean, if you get married , it's by law, but you can arrange those things with other documents, and they did.

IMO , if you get married at this point , it will be a waste, if you do all the  "dad walks me down the isle", "first dance", "first kiss", "first look", etc. All those first things. Also a bachelor/ette night is kind of forced. If you have children already , it should be a parent's , ( a single parent's?) night.
The gifts usually associated with weddings are generally to help you put a home together. You already have ( after all those years) all the dishes and toasters. If I were a guest , I would probably give you a cash present. But even that feels strange, since you are not starting anything together. It feels like " You are so many years together! Here , have some cash!" Just doesn't sound right.

Other than that, I am all for having any party for anything you want. And if you feel "pricess-y", wear this big puffy princess gown, by all means. But if you feel like the independant, decision making, already resposible for other people ( your kids) person, you might feel silly.

You are already up to the more important stuff in life. You are not going to miss it ( the wedding festivities)  more than you are going to miss not going to a prom night , for example.

Good luck and enjoy, no matter which way you decide.

I lived with my DH for 6 years prior to getting married. We owned a home together for most of that time. I think it is a BIG deal even if it's just changing your legal status.

I actually give credit to the OP for actually waiting to have the big ceremony!!! We see a lot of people on here who get pregnant, go to the JOP for a quick wedding, and then have their PPD a few years later because they "missed out on their special day."

stef42188

I am still planning so I can't tell you if the stress and money is "worth it," but I definitely think you should NOT feel bad about wanting to get married. It is an important life decision that shows all of your commitment and love for each other. And people do things "untraditionally" all the time - just because someone else's timeline of events is different from yours doesn't make your timeline any better or worse or wrong in any way. You do you. 

Senecaf

TiaTea said:

I can't tell you how to feel. But I can tell you how I feel about being invited to a wedding like that: confused and not really exited.
A second cousin of mine lives with his GF for a very long time. They have a 5yo kid ( adorable girl) and a second one (  a boy) on the way. They'll get married   after the boy is born.
While I am happy for them, I don't see anything exciting. I mean , nothing changes. They already live together . They maintain a household together.  They even have children. They are living the married life . All they will change is the legal status. But unlike some couples for whom it might be some victory ( as in a gay couple who was prevented until now to liegally marry) theirs is a matter of choice. And not much will change since they have things arranged ( legally)  the way they would have been if they were married on the first place. The custody of the children, the ownership of the house, who gets what in case of... I mean, if you get married , it's by law, but you can arrange those things with other documents, and they did.

IMO , if you get married at this point , it will be a waste, if you do all the  "dad walks me down the isle", "first dance", "first kiss", "first look", etc. All those first things. Also a bachelor/ette night is kind of forced. If you have children already , it should be a parent's , ( a single parent's?) night.
The gifts usually associated with weddings are generally to help you put a home together. You already have ( after all those years) all the dishes and toasters. If I were a guest , I would probably give you a cash present. But even that feels strange, since you are not starting anything together. It feels like " You are so many years together! Here , have some cash!" Just doesn't sound right.

Other than that, I am all for having any party for anything you want. And if you feel "pricess-y", wear this big puffy princess gown, by all means. But if you feel like the independant, decision making, already resposible for other people ( your kids) person, you might feel silly.

You are already up to the more important stuff in life. You are not going to miss it ( the wedding festivities)  more than you are going to miss not going to a prom night , for example.

Good luck and enjoy, no matter which way you decide.

I don't like to say mean things but this was both stupid and offensive.


OP: I have two wonderful children with FI. We have been together for years and are finally having a big wedding because we want to. We want to formalize our commitment and host a big party for those there to witness that. We were not ready for marriage before. Having had children or not. But now we are and we want to celebrate that.

Planning can be stressful but try not to over think it. If you can afford it, great! Do not worry about what others opinions are on a wedding celebration. All you really need is food, drinks (alcohol or not is up to you) a place to sit for everyone and some dancing if you like. The rest is extra and not worth your stress.

FI and I like to party. We are an established family and can afford to do this. For us it is worth it. To me, it sounds like it might be worth it for you too. But only you can determine that

Bashley20062

It sounds like having the wedding of your dreams (whether it's big or small) is something that you have wanted for a long time.  Personally, it seems like you will regret it if you don't do it, since it seems so important to you.  If it's something you want, I say go for it!  If it takes some extra time based on the fact that you have started a beautiful family, so be it. 

KatWAG

First, ignore @tiatea.

Now, planning a wedding doesnt have to be super stressful or time consuming. Can you sit down with your fi and re-evaluate what type of wedding would be most realistic for you. I know it might not be what you always dreamed of but a simple backyard BBQ or brunch is pretty easy to plan. You dont need to have flowers, favors, something blue, signature cokatils, etc that the wedding industry has tried to convinve brides they need.

Chin up, you have 3 beautiful kids and a loving fi. Thing could be a lot worse!

MrsDeRuyter87

In all honesty and truth my favorite part about my wedding was my reveal and my ceremony. I was happy to throw a party for our close friends and family but when all was said and done my favorite parts were the ones that involved just me and my DH. Even my Bridal shower and Bachelorette seemed like something for everyone else. I could have done without all of it. BTW congrats on your wonderful daughters!

jdluvr06

TiaTea said:

I can't tell you how to feel. But I can tell you how I feel about being invited to a wedding like that: confused and not really exited.
A second cousin of mine lives with his GF for a very long time. They have a 5yo kid ( adorable girl) and a second one (  a boy) on the way. They'll get married   after the boy is born.
While I am happy for them, I don't see anything exciting. I mean , nothing changes. They already live together . They maintain a household together.  They even have children. They are living the married life . All they will change is the legal status. But unlike some couples for whom it might be some victory ( as in a gay couple who was prevented until now to liegally marry) theirs is a matter of choice. And not much will change since they have things arranged ( legally)  the way they would have been if they were married on the first place. The custody of the children, the ownership of the house, who gets what in case of... I mean, if you get married , it's by law, but you can arrange those things with other documents, and they did.

IMO , if you get married at this point , it will be a waste, if you do all the  "dad walks me down the isle", "first dance", "first kiss", "first look", etc. All those first things. Also a bachelor/ette night is kind of forced. If you have children already , it should be a parent's , ( a single parent's?) night.
The gifts usually associated with weddings are generally to help you put a home together. You already have ( after all those years) all the dishes and toasters. If I were a guest , I would probably give you a cash present. But even that feels strange, since you are not starting anything together. It feels like " You are so many years together! Here , have some cash!" Just doesn't sound right.

Other than that, I am all for having any party for anything you want. And if you feel "pricess-y", wear this big puffy princess gown, by all means. But if you feel like the independant, decision making, already resposible for other people ( your kids) person, you might feel silly.

You are already up to the more important stuff in life. You are not going to miss it ( the wedding festivities)  more than you are going to miss not going to a prom night , for example.

Good luck and enjoy, no matter which way you decide.

OP ignore this person. The people who love you will be excited for you and will want to support you. Also I want to clarify what I said before. When I said that FI and I wanted a smaller wedding than we originally planned that was just what we wanted for us. If you and your FI decide that what you really want is the big wedding and you can afford it I say go for it. Do what makes you happy.

HisGirlFriday13

TiaTea said:

I can't tell you how to feel. But I can tell you how I feel about being invited to a wedding like that: confused and not really exited.
A second cousin of mine lives with his GF for a very long time. They have a 5yo kid ( adorable girl) and a second one (  a boy) on the way. They'll get married   after the boy is born.
While I am happy for them, I don't see anything exciting. I mean , nothing changes. They already live together . They maintain a household together.  They even have children. They are living the married life . All they will change is the legal status. But unlike some couples for whom it might be some victory ( as in a gay couple who was prevented until now to liegally marry) theirs is a matter of choice. And not much will change since they have things arranged ( legally)  the way they would have been if they were married on the first place. The custody of the children, the ownership of the house, who gets what in case of... I mean, if you get married , it's by law, but you can arrange those things with other documents, and they did.

IMO , if you get married at this point , it will be a waste, if you do all the  "dad walks me down the isle", "first dance", "first kiss", "first look", etc. All those first things. Also a bachelor/ette night is kind of forced. If you have children already , it should be a parent's , ( a single parent's?) night.
The gifts usually associated with weddings are generally to help you put a home together. You already have ( after all those years) all the dishes and toasters. If I were a guest , I would probably give you a cash present. But even that feels strange, since you are not starting anything together. It feels like " You are so many years together! Here , have some cash!" Just doesn't sound right.

Other than that, I am all for having any party for anything you want. And if you feel "pricess-y", wear this big puffy princess gown, by all means. But if you feel like the independant, decision making, already resposible for other people ( your kids) person, you might feel silly.

You are already up to the more important stuff in life. You are not going to miss it ( the wedding festivities)  more than you are going to miss not going to a prom night , for example.

Good luck and enjoy, no matter which way you decide.

The fact that you seem to be a horrible, unfeeling person doesn't mean we all are, or that the OP's family is.

Please keep your judgemental, rude, petty, small-minded opinions to yourself. No one here wants to hear them.

JCbride2015

TiaTea said:

I can't tell you how to feel. But I can tell you how I feel about being invited to a wedding like that: confused and not really exited.
A second cousin of mine lives with his GF for a very long time. They have a 5yo kid ( adorable girl) and a second one (  a boy) on the way. They'll get married   after the boy is born.
While I am happy for them, I don't see anything exciting. I mean , nothing changes. They already live together . They maintain a household together.  They even have children. They are living the married life . All they will change is the legal status. But unlike some couples for whom it might be some victory ( as in a gay couple who was prevented until now to liegally marry) theirs is a matter of choice. And not much will change since they have things arranged ( legally)  the way they would have been if they were married on the first place. The custody of the children, the ownership of the house, who gets what in case of... I mean, if you get married , it's by law, but you can arrange those things with other documents, and they did.

IMO , if you get married at this point , it will be a waste, if you do all the  "dad walks me down the isle", "first dance", "first kiss", "first look", etc. All those first things. Also a bachelor/ette night is kind of forced. If you have children already , it should be a parent's , ( a single parent's?) night.
The gifts usually associated with weddings are generally to help you put a home together. You already have ( after all those years) all the dishes and toasters. If I were a guest , I would probably give you a cash present. But even that feels strange, since you are not starting anything together. It feels like " You are so many years together! Here , have some cash!" Just doesn't sound right.

Other than that, I am all for having any party for anything you want. And if you feel "pricess-y", wear this big puffy princess gown, by all means. But if you feel like the independant, decision making, already resposible for other people ( your kids) person, you might feel silly.

You are already up to the more important stuff in life. You are not going to miss it ( the wedding festivities)  more than you are going to miss not going to a prom night , for example.

Good luck and enjoy, no matter which way you decide.

@TiaTea, I'm pretty sure you have a rock where your heart should be.  Please go away now.

PennyBlossom2311

Firstly, congratulations on your beautiful family! I dont think you are being selfish at all for wanting to have the wedding of your dreams. I think it is incrediblly sweet and romantic. There is no shame in postponing. When you do have your wedding, it will be worth the wait and the all the work you put into it. By postponing it another year. you have now given yourself more time to plan and coordinate. You can spread your planning out and wont feel so overwhelmed. It will be beautiful and will be so glad you decided to have the wedding of your dreams.

Congratualtions and Happy Planning!

Ignore what someone said earlier (This is a big change. It's not a waste and is an important time in your life)

 

misscoffeeplease

I can't even wrap my head around on what @TiaTea said. BULLSHIT. I just can't. Just GTFO with that bullshit nonsense crap.

OP: I'm planning a wedding while we already have the house, kid and dog. I have done EVERYTHING backwards. I have been with FI for 9 years and he recently proposed to me last month. We are on a budget wedding (no one is helping us) but its still an exciting moment. You make the moment and how you want it to be. At that moment, it's about you and your FI.  Even if you do a small intimate ceremony and have a small reception with your little family. It's a moment to celebrate becoming HUSBAND and WIFE and having your children along with that journey. Do NOT feel hopeless!  

ktjanesmom

Im curious as to how much money you would spend on a wedding.  You have 3 kids I am sure you have many many ways to spend thousands of dollars. You say you can afford a wedding but couldnt you spend that money more wisely or better yet, save it for the future. Feeding, clothing, housing, entertaining 3 kids is very expensive.  I just cant see spending thousands of dollars on one day.    Thats not to say you cant have a small, intimate lovely wedding.  Maybe you are people that CAN have it all, I dont know.

JCbride2015

ktjanesmom said:

Im curious as to how much money you would spend on a wedding.  You have 3 kids I am sure you have many many ways to spend thousands of dollars. You say you can afford a wedding but couldnt you spend that money more wisely or better yet, save it for the future. Feeding, clothing, housing, entertaining 3 kids is very expensive.  I just cant see spending thousands of dollars on one day.    Thats not to say you cant have a small, intimate lovely wedding.  Maybe you are people that CAN have it all, I dont know.

Whoa.  Back off.  She says she can afford the wedding and it doesn't sound like anything extravagant.  But even if it was-- so what?  It's okay for parents to spend tens of thousands on their child's wedding (or sweet 16 or whatever), but not on their own?  I can see this reaction if she said she's taking it out of what she would normally save for her kids or something, but that's not the case here at all.  It is ABSOLUTELY not your place to judge her.

By that logic: I plan to have kids within the next couple of years.  Logically, the money Fi and I are spending on our wedding could be socked away to support Baby JC in the future.  Are we being irresponsible by spending that money now when we could be saving it?  For all you know, OP's been saving up since before her kids were born, that money is still in the wedding fund, and life got in the way.  Regardless, I think your post is totally out of line.

jdluvr06

ktjanesmom said:

Im curious as to how much money you would spend on a wedding.  You have 3 kids I am sure you have many many ways to spend thousands of dollars. You say you can afford a wedding but couldnt you spend that money more wisely or better yet, save it for the future. Feeding, clothing, housing, entertaining 3 kids is very expensive.  I just cant see spending thousands of dollars on one day.    Thats not to say you cant have a small, intimate lovely wedding.  Maybe you are people that CAN have it all, I dont know.

Whoa.  Back off.  She says she can afford the wedding and it doesn't sound like anything extravagant.  But even if it was-- so what?  It's okay for parents to spend tens of thousands on their child's wedding (or sweet 16 or whatever), but not on their own?  I can see this reaction if she said she's taking it out of what she would normally save for her kids or something, but that's not the case here at all.  It is ABSOLUTELY not your place to judge her.

By that logic: I plan to have kids within the next couple of years.  Logically, the money Fi and I are spending on our wedding could be socked away to support Baby JC in the future.  Are we being irresponsible by spending that money now when we could be saving it?  For all you know, OP's been saving up since before her kids were born, that money is still in the wedding fund, and life got in the way.  Regardless, I think your post is totally out of line.

This. So totally this.

Angusaur

OP, please disregard everything TiaTea had to say. Your TRUE friends and family will be excited for you today, tomorrow, 6 months or even 10 years from now. You're still doing an amazing thing, by taking that step and committing the rest of your life to your FI.

That being said, hopefully my story will help you. I have been with my FI since 2007. We had our son in 2008, started discussing marriage in 2008, have been officially engaged since 2010. Luck hasn't really been in our favor, and we've had job losses, illnesses, and moved out of state. We have had 3 prospective wedding dates which never worked out because of this. Thankfully, we never sent STD's, but it's still embarrassing to be asked "How's the wedding planning going?" or "When's the big day?" and you have to answer that the wedding is being postponed, yet again.

Since FI and I have moved, the cost of living is incredibly smaller, we have both landed awesome jobs, have established our savings and are living comfortably, and can afford the type of wedding we've been waiting for. We have been asked many times why we don't just JOP it and do something fancy later. Besides the fact that it would be a PPD, we are not in a rush. I love him, and he's not going anywhere. We will wait until we can have the wedding we both want.

We are getting married in 2015, and will have been engaged 5 years and together 7.5 years. It will still be a special day when I marry my best friend. My family (specifically my mom and cousins) and some of my close friends are already showing interest and excitement again despite the past postponements. Not everyone is a judgmental jerk who have a criteria checklist for being a bride.

Good luck honey.

Senecaf

ktjanesmom said:

Im curious as to how much money you would spend on a wedding.  You have 3 kids I am sure you have many many ways to spend thousands of dollars. You say you can afford a wedding but couldnt you spend that money more wisely or better yet, save it for the future. Feeding, clothing, housing, entertaining 3 kids is very expensive.  I just cant see spending thousands of dollars on one day.    Thats not to say you cant have a small, intimate lovely wedding.  Maybe you are people that CAN have it all, I dont know.

C'mon. Really?
While she has no reason to justify herself to you, I feel like I want to. I'm not sure what OPs financial situation is like. It I no one's business. I also have children and will probably end up spending 10-12k on my wedding. BECAUSE WE CAN.

No matter what stage of your life tou are in there will always be a good ay to spend thousands of dollars. I want a new fence and my basement finished. But those things can wait. Many young brides my age are childless but chances are they have expenses too or "better things" to spend their money on. That being said one can spend their money however they see fit. As long as everyone is fed, clothed and entertained (what does this even mean for kids? Weddings are super eentertaining btw) it shouldn't matter if she has kids.

We have got to stop making judgements based on our own presumptions.

pinkcow13

TiaTeaktjanesmom - judgmental much, are we? Is there a life manual that dictates how each and every one of us should lead our lives? Are you 2 soooo perfect that you can throw around judgement like that? OP, please ignore those  comments. 

Look, it sounds like a wedding is something that is very special to you and that you wanted for a very long time. I know, because I am the same way. FI and I have been together for years, and we know we can just go down to city hall and just get it over with. But, it is important to us to have an actual wedding, with all our family and friends, to celebrate our love. That's just what we want, it's what  always wanted. And it sounds like it is important to you too. Do whatever you both feel comfortable with. I think you will not regret having the wedding, I think you will regret not having it because it obviously means so much to you. You should not feel embarrassed about postponing the wedding because, life happens. You are not being selfish at all. Have the wedding that you both want, can afford, and are happy and comfortable with. It will be a beautiful new chapter in your family's life.

beam20062010

TiaTea said:

I can't tell you how to feel. But I can tell you how I feel about being invited to a wedding like that: confused and not really exited.
A second cousin of mine lives with his GF for a very long time. They have a 5yo kid ( adorable girl) and a second one (  a boy) on the way. They'll get married   after the boy is born.
While I am happy for them, I don't see anything exciting. I mean , nothing changes. They already live together . They maintain a household together.  They even have children. They are living the married life . All they will change is the legal status. But unlike some couples for whom it might be some victory ( as in a gay couple who was prevented until now to liegally marry) theirs is a matter of choice. And not much will change since they have things arranged ( legally)  the way they would have been if they were married on the first place. The custody of the children, the ownership of the house, who gets what in case of... I mean, if you get married , it's by law, but you can arrange those things with other documents, and they did.

IMO , if you get married at this point , it will be a waste, if you do all the  "dad walks me down the isle", "first dance", "first kiss", "first look", etc. All those first things. Also a bachelor/ette night is kind of forced. If you have children already , it should be a parent's , ( a single parent's?) night.
The gifts usually associated with weddings are generally to help you put a home together. You already have ( after all those years) all the dishes and toasters. If I were a guest , I would probably give you a cash present. But even that feels strange, since you are not starting anything together. It feels like " You are so many years together! Here , have some cash!" Just doesn't sound right.

Other than that, I am all for having any party for anything you want. And if you feel "pricess-y", wear this big puffy princess gown, by all means. But if you feel like the independant, decision making, already resposible for other people ( your kids) person, you might feel silly.

You are already up to the more important stuff in life. You are not going to miss it ( the wedding festivities)  more than you are going to miss not going to a prom night , for example.

Good luck and enjoy, no matter which way you decide.

@TiaTea, While I can certainly respect your opinion, I can not for the life of me understand how an intelligent person could possibly come to these conclusions. 

"I can't tell you how to feel. But I can tell you how I feel about being invited to a wedding like that: confused and not really exited."

However, I do agree with the fact that you are confused, which does not make you stupid, it just means that on this subject matter you are ignorant. If I am reading this correctly, you are confused why two people, whom are in love, would have a wedding after living together for many years and/or have kids.  

First of all, do you realize the divorce rate in the U.S. is 50%?! This means that, regardless of the couples history together, every time you attend a wedding there is a 50/50 chance the couple will actually stay together. I think it's pretty safe to say the majority of those getting a divorce are probably NOT the couples, which have already established, successful families that have withstood the test of time.  

"The gifts usually associated with weddings are generally to help you put a home together. You already have ( after all those years) all the dishes and toasters. If I were a guest , I would probably give you a cash present. But even that feels strange, since you are not starting anything together."

If you want to be "confused" about something, be confused why so many couples having weddings and receiving gifts/cash to help "put a home together," still can not make it as long as the unmarried couples, which were not as fortunate.  

In my opinion, I would much rather give gifts to a couple that I know won't be dividing them up within a few years. In fact, I can think of three different weddings that I have attended and given a gift, only to find out 2-3 years later they are getting a divorce. How can you possibly determine the material and financial needs of a specific couple based solely on the number of years they have lived together?

"I don't see anything exciting. I mean , nothing changes.They already live together . They maintain a household together.  They even have children.They are living the married life . All they will change is the legal status."

Unfortunately, I am unable to find any intelligent reasons why you would claim in one sentence "nothing changes" only to immediately discredit this fact by stating, "All they will change is the legal status." Then, adding insult to injury, you proceed to list some of these legal changes, which includes home ownership and children. 

So, what you are saying is that getting married ONLY "changes the legal status" of, in my opinion, some very important things in a couple's life, such as their home and children? Therefore, wouldn't it stand to reason that the couples whom have both children and an established home will be the ones most affected by the changes of a marriage? 

I do not know how a wedding could get any more exciting than watching two people that love each other share such an intimate moment, which will completely change their entire family, home, and futures.