Rant: FMIL and the ever growing guest list

SBmini

This has been a constant struggle for us as we plan. When I first asked my FMIL for her list she gave me very few names. I kept asking if that was all, telling her and my fiance that they could invite more people and stressing that the list would help us decide on the venue. I encouraged them to add more people because it is easier to cut than add. 

At the end of the initial guest count phase we had 150 people on the list. Only 30 or 40 of them were his family. We picked a venue based on the 150 guest count and moved on. Then we changed venues to a more comfortable place in September (indoor reception vs outdoor) that happened to be larger... then all of a sudden my FMIL had more people to add to the list. This didn't make me happy because we never would have booked the first place if she had just added them from the get go. But her list balanced out my family so I added them, plus a few more friends now that we had the room. New guest list 196. 

Now, we're now 100 days from the wedding and planning invitations. She had let me know that there were some more people she wanted to add and stressed that she would pay for their food. She told me these people were my FI's dad's relatives from out of the country. Originally she wasn't going to invite them because she didn't think they would come, but they've started to ask about dates to book flights so she wanted to invite them. This pissed me off because I told her to invite them from the get go. She said that she thought at most it would be 100 people total from my FI's family. My family is at 80 people. It seemed reasonable, so I gave her the current list and asked her to add them. 

She just called my FI and informed us that she would like 65 invitations for her family. The current count is 30. This means that her guest list is more than doubling! This is more than just the Canadian relatives! But I don't even know what the final number is because she hasn't even given me a count, just the number of invitations she wants. By my estimates this means that our guest list has ballooned to 260 at the minimum! 

I told my FI how frustrated I am about the changes and he replies, "These are people they wanted to invite but couldn't when we were constrained to the smaller venue" OMG that isn't even reality! We never would have looked at that venue if they just put them on the list like I asked them to! She's offered to pay for their dinners, so it's not about money- it's about the fact that we're 100 days out and people who were not important 101 days out are now suddenly on the list. My FI wants them to just be added because his parents want them there, but I'm pissed. Between my mom not talking to me for the past two days because I want to put my FI's parents names on the invitations and this I'm getting pretty sick of parent shenanigans.

/Rant 

Belthil

I'm sorry you're going through this, and it makes it even worse when you and FI aren't on the same page. I would talk to him and ask how important having these people at the wedding is. If it's important to him I would probably invite them if your venue can hold that many people. 

That being said I would be wary about adding anyone to the list until I got the money from FMIL. What happens if you invite all these people, they RSVP yes and then FMIL never sends the money she promised? Will you be able to afford to host everyone? I would figure out exactly how much it will cost you to host each person (dinners, alcohol, centerpieces, favours, etc.) and let her know exactly how much it is going to cost her. That may slow down how many people she wants to add. 

I would also let her know that that you need to have her final guest list by x and no one can be added to it after that. No exceptions. And make sure your FI is on your side for this. He needs to understand the importance of this too.

Good luck!

SBmini

Thanks, that's a good idea. I'll do the math so I can give her an FYI on costs. She's already paying for the florist and alcohol for the whole wedding, so for the most part it's just food, chair rentals and the additional printing costs. 

And in other good news, the photography company just called to tell me my photographer has put in his notice with the company. Hooray! They are sending me new options, but this is sort of not what I wanted to hear today.

HisGirlFriday13

I ditto @Belthil -- the issue isn't the fact your FMIL wants to add 30-odd guests, it's that your FI isn't on your side regarding the list. If he is buying into his mother's delusion that your initial venue dictated the guest list size (not the other way around), then that's a big problem.

You and he need to sit down and have a serious conversation about this, about how you chose the venue based on the guest list, and that if these people didn't make the first OR second drafts of the guest list, they why are they relevant now?

SBmini

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I ditto @Belthil -- the issue isn't the fact your FMIL wants to add 30-odd guests, it's that your FI isn't on your side regarding the list. If he is buying into his mother's delusion that your initial venue dictated the guest list size (not the other way around), then that's a big problem.

You and he need to sit down and have a serious conversation about this, about how you chose the venue based on the guest list, and that if these people didn't make the first OR second drafts of the guest list, they why are they relevant now?

I've told him all that. I thought this was put to bed LAST time this happened too. He wants them there and so do his parents... and I don't really care if they are there, I just care that they are being added so damn late. Seriously, another two or three weeks and it would have been too late, the invitations would have already been ordered. She waited until the absolute last minute and I don't know what her motivation for that decision was. 

HisGirlFriday13

Her motivation was to be passive-aggressive and attempt to manipulate you.

Have you pointed out to him that, if she had waited another two to three weeks, it would have been too late? Have you pointed out that, if they're so damn important, why didn't they make the first- or second- round list cuts? Have you pointed out to him that he is allowing her to set a dangerous precedent here?

SBmini

I don't think she's being passive aggressive. That's not her style. I think she's trying to make too many people happy and as a result, it's making me unhappy. 

My FI's family is a different culture than mine. They have different wedding traditions and customs. The original wedding we planned was quite different from what they typically do- no church ceremony, no banquet hall reception. I think she thought that the guests would be uncomfortable because (in her words not mine) some of their family is ignorant and not accepting of new and different things. As planning continued and the wedding because more in line with what they typically do, those reservations began to drop so she felt more comfortable adding people. 

This time around, people asked and instead of telling them they aren't invited... she decided to just invite them because she would rather save face in front of her in-laws and foot the bill than tell them they weren't invited. 

I just realized, however, that for the most part, I've only told my FI about deadlines for the guest list and inviting more instead of fewer people. I think he's done a bad job of relaying that message.  

GBCK

This is where channeling her sense of pride might come in handy too--explain what people think when they get the invitatio 2 months later than Aunt Gertrude got hers--about being "B listed" and gift-grabby.

SBmini

GBCK said:

This is where channeling her sense of pride might come in handy too--explain what people think when they get the invitatio 2 months later than Aunt Gertrude got hers--about being "B listed" and gift-grabby.

Everyone is getting invitations at the same time. When I was going through the invitation cost breakdown last night with my FI I brought up return addresses on the RSVP cards. He actually said to me that his mom wanted to receive the RSVPs for their family so she could arrange the tables! I told him absolutely not. I'm getting the RSVP cards because I want to know who is going to me at my damn wedding! Oh I was so steamed. I also let him know that she needs to tell us how many people she's inviting and their names so that I can plan this thing and that I will get her the final RSVP list so she can help with the seating arrangements. 

I don't know what the hell she's doing.

HisGirlFriday13

SBmini said:

GBCK said:

This is where channeling her sense of pride might come in handy too--explain what people think when they get the invitatio 2 months later than Aunt Gertrude got hers--about being "B listed" and gift-grabby.

Everyone is getting invitations at the same time. When I was going through the invitation cost breakdown last night with my FI I brought up return addresses on the RSVP cards. He actually said to me that his mom wanted to receive the RSVPs for their family so she could arrange the tables! I told him absolutely not. I'm getting the RSVP cards because I want to know who is going to me at my damn wedding! Oh I was so steamed. I also let him know that she needs to tell us how many people she's inviting and their names so that I can plan this thing and that I will get her the final RSVP list so she can help with the seating arrangements. 

I don't know what the hell she's doing.

Please tell me that your FI understands which side he's supposed to be on -- YOURS -- and why he needs to reign in his mother's crazy?

SBmini

HisGirlFriday13 said:

SBmini said:

GBCK said:

This is where channeling her sense of pride might come in handy too--explain what people think when they get the invitatio 2 months later than Aunt Gertrude got hers--about being "B listed" and gift-grabby.

Everyone is getting invitations at the same time. When I was going through the invitation cost breakdown last night with my FI I brought up return addresses on the RSVP cards. He actually said to me that his mom wanted to receive the RSVPs for their family so she could arrange the tables! I told him absolutely not. I'm getting the RSVP cards because I want to know who is going to me at my damn wedding! Oh I was so steamed. I also let him know that she needs to tell us how many people she's inviting and their names so that I can plan this thing and that I will get her the final RSVP list so she can help with the seating arrangements. 

I don't know what the hell she's doing.

Please tell me that your FI understands which side he's supposed to be on -- YOURS -- and why he needs to reign in his mother's crazy?

Yes, he understood and said he'd talk to her. I'd like to think that this is a cultural thing and/or the same reason why she won't teach me how to make dolma because "It is hard" and she will "just make it for you." But I don't know.

erinlin25

who is paying for the wedding?  Don't be afraid to say there are no more additions to the guest list. Give her a deadline and honor it. 

SBmini

erinlin25 said:

who is paying for the wedding?  Don't be afraid to say there are no more additions to the guest list. Give her a deadline and honor it. 

All of us are. She's paying for the extra guests. I told her absolutely no one else. I only allowed the additions because both venues have space, she offered to pay and the invitations haven't gone out yet.

julie&jared2014

I'm having a similar situation. Asked for FMIL guest list, they trickled in, eventually they ballooned to over 90 people.  Fiance and I have discussed it multiple times and I confronted my FMIL in a kind manner.  It seemed as though we were on the same page, then she added more guests today.  I messaged my fiancé that it is now his responsibility to put an end to the additions.  He left  me during work today to tell me he is "putting his foot down", and we are inviting all the people from their church (over 70 people) because it would be rude not to.  Our small intimate ceremony of 100 people has ballooned to over 200.  Help!!!

julie&jared2014

Also, I am paying for the wedding on a teacher's salary and the venue only holds 120.

SBmini

If the venue only holds 120 then you should only invite 120 people! One possible solution is to give everyone an even split of invitees. Then you can tell your FMIL 'due to space restrictions, you can only invite 40 guests, please narrow your list down and give it to me by X date.'

HisGirlFriday13

julie&jared2014 said:

I'm having a similar situation. Asked for FMIL guest list, they trickled in, eventually they ballooned to over 90 people.  Fiance and I have discussed it multiple times and I confronted my FMIL in a kind manner.  It seemed as though we were on the same page, then she added more guests today.  I messaged my fiancé that it is now his responsibility to put an end to the additions.  He left  me during work today to tell me he is "putting his foot down", and we are inviting all the people from their church (over 70 people) because it would be rude not to.  Our small intimate ceremony of 100 people has ballooned to over 200.  Help!!!

You have a FI problem. If he won respect your wishes, that should be your concern.

And FFS, YOU CAN NOT OUT 200 PEOPLE IN A VENUE THAT HOLDS 120. That is basic math.

hyechica81

similar situation my fi wanted to invite everyone and there mother it seemed like everyone on his facebook and some were getting an invite i said wait a min. you are only inviting your family and closest friends  he has like very little family his mom who could care less about the wedding ( she has no desire to help plan anything shes not going to my shower and might not even come to the wedding of her only child).

 so we put all his out of state relatives which is basically all his moms sisters  who live on west cost ca, one cousin he sees when we travel to ca, and her husband and 2 kids. then as for his friends i told him only his closest friends but then he started adding some co workers that he wants there, fine but then he started to add like 10 coworkers and then we have to invite so.  our original guest list of 130-140 became almost 160

some of the save the dates are still sitting in his car because they were going to co workers at his other job he works in the summer and he wont start that job ( he works at a university during the school year as a chef ) college school semester is over in may and the wedding is in June and by that time invites will have already gone out

we went and made a second deposit on the venue and when the said this would be the cost for all the food appz cake bar etc he started to get sticker shock so when we left i said this is what happens when you start to invite everyone and there mother. granted on my side alone i have 106 family members that i am super close to.

invites have not gone out yet but people have already called to let us know they cant make the wedding,


you need to be firm with your mil and tell her i need to know final numbers asap because the invites need to be ordered like now.

i also feel you on wanting to know how to make something and them telling you ill make it for you. i have never made doma but its very easy to make my mom makes it all the time. i helped her stuff the leaves once i can give you a really good recipe if you want.  there is also the easter bread choreg, my late grandma would never let me touch the dough she wanted it braided or rolled perfect my mom is the same way. i tried to make it one day and it came out like crap the dough was to sticky.


we ordered our invites and just put along with our parents as some of the wording on the invites his dad is passed away and his mom probably wont even come to the wedding, i have been with my fi 4 years and his mom has never came to any holiday we have invited her to and my parents have never met her

ReturnOfKuus

What culture are you and your FI, respectively?  Why did the nature of the wedding change so drastically?

PirateBarbie

hyechica81 said:

similar situation my fi wanted to invite everyone and there mother it seemed like everyone on his facebook and some were getting an invite i said wait a min. you are only inviting your family and closest friends  he has like very little family his mom who could care less about the wedding ( she has no desire to help plan anything shes not going to my shower and might not even come to the wedding of her only child).

 so we put all his out of state relatives which is basically all his moms sisters  who live on west cost ca, one cousin he sees when we travel to ca, and her husband and 2 kids. then as for his friends i told him only his closest friends but then he started adding some co workers that he wants there, fine but then he started to add like 10 coworkers and then we have to invite so.  our original guest list of 130-140 became almost 160

some of the save the dates are still sitting in his car because they were going to co workers at his other job he works in the summer and he wont start that job ( he works at a university during the school year as a chef ) college school semester is over in may and the wedding is in June and by that time invites will have already gone out

we went and made a second deposit on the venue and when the said this would be the cost for all the food appz cake bar etc he started to get sticker shock so when we left i said this is what happens when you start to invite everyone and there mother. granted on my side alone i have 106 family members that i am super close to.

invites have not gone out yet but people have already called to let us know they cant make the wedding,


you need to be firm with your mil and tell her i need to know final numbers asap because the invites need to be ordered like now.

i also feel you on wanting to know how to make something and them telling you ill make it for you. i have never made doma but its very easy to make my mom makes it all the time. i helped her stuff the leaves once i can give you a really good recipe if you want.  there is also the easter bread choreg, my late grandma would never let me touch the dough she wanted it braided or rolled perfect my mom is the same way. i tried to make it one day and it came out like crap the dough was to sticky.


we ordered our invites and just put along with our parents as some of the wording on the invites his dad is passed away and his mom probably wont even come to the wedding, i have been with my fi 4 years and his mom has never came to any holiday we have invited her to and my parents have never met her

that's some serious thunderjacking, there. ^^^

PrettyGirlLost

SBmini said:

who is paying for the wedding?  Don't be afraid to say there are no more additions to the guest list. Give her a deadline and honor it. 

All of us are. She's paying for the extra guests. I told her absolutely no one else. I only allowed the additions because both venues have space, she offered to pay and the invitations haven't gone out yet.

Ugh. your 1st mistake was allowing the extra guests. . . even if the venues had the space for it.  Don't be surprised if she keeps trying to push the envelope.

PrettyGirlLost

ReturnOfKuus said:

What culture are you and your FI, respectively?  Why did the nature of the wedding change so drastically?

I believe he is Iranian or Armenian, if I am remembering correctly.

HisGirlFriday13

PrettyGirlLost said:

ReturnOfKuus said:

What culture are you and your FI, respectively?  Why did the nature of the wedding change so drastically?

I believe he is Iranian or Armenian, if I am remembering correctly.

Armenian. And FMIL keeps throwing Armenian traditions at them. The latest that I read was a troupe of traditional Armenian dancers that the FI (FMIL's son) doesn't know about and the bride is expected to keep secret until the wedding day. Oh, and the bride's non-Armenian relatives are going to have to participate in this traditional Armenian dance.

pinkshorts27

HisGirlFriday13 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

ReturnOfKuus said:

What culture are you and your FI, respectively?  Why did the nature of the wedding change so drastically?

I believe he is Iranian or Armenian, if I am remembering correctly.

Armenian. And FMIL keeps throwing Armenian traditions at them. The latest that I read was a troupe of traditional Armenian dancers that the FI (FMIL's son) doesn't know about and the bride is expected to keep secret until the wedding day. Oh, and the bride's non-Armenian relatives are going to have to participate in this traditional Armenian dance.

Rule #1: Don't surprise the couple with events on the wedding day. Ew. 

SBmini

No one has to participate in any dance. I don't appreciate you speaking about my family in that way, hisgirlfriday, even if she is being a bit of a nightmare on the guest list.  

My FMIL is incredibly sweet, she's not doing anything passive aggressively or out of spite.  It is simply a difference of culture that she's trying to mitigate and isn't doing the best job of doing so. She ordered the dancers because my FI asked if we could have some after seeing dancers at his cousin's engagement party. She's inviting more people because she doesn't want to be rude and is covering all the expenses. You have to understand that our wedding is tiny in Armenian terms and whether or not you are invited caries a huge amount of meaning, even for people who aren't very close to the family. These are not typical dynamics and I'm trying to be respectful. 

Yes, the wedding has gotten little Big Fat Greek Wedding- but I don't even care any more. It has very little impact on me- the venues have space, the expenses are covered and she's doing the seating chart for her side of the family. I didn't recognize half of her original list anyways, so it isn't an issue of not knowing the people either. Only impact on me is having to thank more people for attending. Which I hardly mind doing. And since I don't care, hisfriday, I don't see why you care.

HisGirlFriday13

If you don't care, stop bitching about it.

PrettyGirlLost

SBmini said:

No one has to participate in any dance. I don't appreciate you speaking about my family in that way, hisgirlfriday, even if she is being a bit of a nightmare on the guest list.  

My FMIL is incredibly sweet, she's not doing anything passive aggressively or out of spite.  It is simply a difference of culture that she's trying to mitigate and isn't doing the best job of doing so. She ordered the dancers because my FI asked if we could have some after seeing dancers at his cousin's engagement party. She's inviting more people because she doesn't want to be rude and is covering all the expenses. You have to understand that our wedding is tiny in Armenian terms and whether or not you are invited caries a huge amount of meaning, even for people who aren't very close to the family. These are not typical dynamics and I'm trying to be respectful. 

Yes, the wedding has gotten little Big Fat Greek Wedding- but I don't even care any more. It has very little impact on me- the venues have space, the expenses are covered and she's doing the seating chart for her side of the family. I didn't recognize half of her original list anyways, so it isn't an issue of not knowing the people either. Only impact on me is having to thank more people for attending. Which I hardly mind doing. And since I don't care, hisfriday, I don't see why you care.

Huh? O.o

What way?  She was just answering a question, no need to get defensive.  Must be the wedding stress getting to you.

But honestly I wouldn't be surprised if @HisGirlFriday13 or anyone else on these boards assumed there was friction between your FMIL based on the info you have posted here. . . the title of this thread is "Rant. . . ."