Cousin set his date a week apart

[Deleted User]

I have a question and would like everyone's opinion. I have been engaged to my fiancé since the beginning of May 2013. We set our date in May 2013, had our engagement party in September and just sent our save the dates out. We are getting married October 5, 2014. My male cousin proposed to his fiancée a month ago and they just set their date to be the weekend before my wedding. (September 26, 2014). My uncle (my cousin's father) and my cousin and his fiancée both asked me when I am getting married. Am I allowed to be angry because of this? How do I address this? I am upset and angry. Opinions please!!

Jen4948

You're allowed to be angry, but there is no proper way to "address this."  Either you go to his or you don't.  And either they come to yours or they don't.  Your common relatives and friends, if they can't attend both weddings, will have to make decisions.  Hopefully they won't all decide only to go to his and not yours.  But you cannot control their choice.

MrsDeRuyter87

Can you be angry/annoyed? Yes. Is there something you can do about it? No. That's just the name of the game.

cmiles89

I would be furious if I were in your shoes, because it feels a little... I don't know what word I want, but it feels a little something.

Did they have any way of knowing the date you chose? I mean was there a chance they didn't know and it was just a coincidence. Maybe once they hear your date, they'll change theirs? In some families (like mine), I wouldn't side-eye this at all and would embrace it because there's no alterior motive, just coincidence. In some families this may seem a little AWish and almost like they're trying to get all familial resources focused on them... I don't know.

Bottom line, kill them with kindness, that's all you can do.

Chipmunk415

You get one day, cousin gets one day. That's the rule. Internally, you can be upset, but you do not bring it up/address it with cousin, uncle, or anyone else (no passive agressive comments allowed).

Smile, congratulate them on the engagement, and keep planning your wedding. You may have folks who can't make both. It happens. But you accept that not everyone's finances can make two weddings that close together, even if its through no fault of your own.

In the interim, have a glass of wine

smalfrie19

You get ONE day. One...not a week, not a month. Why are you unable to be happy for your cousin and his FI?

I have a friend who got engaged after me and is getting married 2 weeks before me. No..I am not mad, not she's not stealing my thunder. I am just happy for her.

themuffinman16

If you can make it to their wedding, great.  But I am sure as it becomes closer to their wedding, they will realize how much needs to be done.  They will see if they had a wedding to attend to a week before theirs, they probably would not be able to attend, either. It is a shame, though.  I would never plan a wedding too close to another family members because I would want them to be there for mine and I would like to be there for their wedding.

phira

I'm confused about one detail that you mention: When you say that your uncle, your cousin, and his fiancee all asked you about your wedding date, do you mean that they asked you before setting their date, or do you mean that they set their date and are now all, "So! When's your wedding?"

Anyway, honestly? You get one day for your wedding. They get one day for their wedding. The end.

Maybe there's all sorts of EVIL reasons they picked this date--they wanted to steal the spotlight from you, they wanted to get married before you did, whatever.

Or maybe that's the ONLY date that they could get at their dream venue if they want to be married within the next two or three years. Or maybe there's a life circumstance that limits their options for when they can easily get married (e.g. graduate school, moving across country). Or maybe that's their anniversary and they're so excited to have gotten that date.

It doesn't really matter if their reasons are "good enough" for picking that date.

How should you proceed? Congratulate them on picking a date. Even if you're not feeling excited, think about the fact that your family gets to celebrate two marriages this fall. And then keep planning your wedding like you were going to plan it before. If you're invited to a pre-wedding event for them, go if your schedule allows it, and don't if you can't. Just like you would normally.

You're ALLOWED to be angry and feel however you feel about it. You can't control that, and that's totally okay. But there's really nothing that you can change about the situation, nor is there anything that needs to change.

Maybe your bridal showers get scheduled for the same day--then okay, you need to make a phone call and maybe the person whose event was scheduled second should reschedule. Maybe you can't make the rehearsal or rehearsal dinner (if you're invited) for their wedding because that was the only time you could meet with your venue's coordinator. Maybe they'll schedule their honeymoon right after their wedding and miss yours (which is pretty unlikely, although it really depends on your relationship with them). And then, whatever, two fewer plates you have to pay for.

Besides that, I can't think of a lot of actual problems that might arise.

lyndausvi

dmyrick78 said:

If you can make it to their wedding, great.  But I am sure as it becomes closer to their wedding, they will realize how much needs to be done.  They will see if they had a wedding to attend to a week before theirs, they probably would not be able to attend, either. It is a shame, though.  I would never plan a wedding too close to another family members because I would want them to be there for mine and I would like to be there for their wedding.

Really?  I could have easily attend a wedding the weekend before my wedding.  Especially one that only requires me to show up.    Actually the weekend before my wedding included attending various parties and just hanging out with friends.  

OP - you have a right to be annoyed, but I think angry is a little over the top.   I'm sure they picked their date because it worked for them the same you picked yours to work for you.  Not much you can do about what date they picked.

themuffinman16

If the wedding is out of town, it might be harder for her to attend.

HisGirlFriday13

If you're worried that people will pick their wedding over yours, don't be -- yours will be the one people already know about, and it will be the one they commit to.

My cousin and his wife got married Aug. 31. One of my very best friends and his wife were getting married Sept. 7. 

We knew about my friend's first, and my friend was much more important to me than my cousin was, so when we got his invite, we just RSVP'd no. Easy peasy.

KickAssMOH

You can bitch and complain all you want to your FI, but you should try to smile and be happy about it with your family. You can probably attend their wedding if you get your own stuff done in time. The weekend before my wedding, we were sitting around doing nothing. The hardest part of the weekend was trying to stick to our diets. Hopefully your cousin has planned his honeymoon around your wedding, but if he didn't then who cares? His loss. Just be the bigger person.

PrettyGirlLost

phira said:

I'm confused about one detail that you mention: When you say that your uncle, your cousin, and his fiancee all asked you about your wedding date, do you mean that they asked you before setting their date, or do you mean that they set their date and are now all, "So! When's your wedding?"

If that's the case, and they were invited to the engagement party, and they received a STD already, then that was really stupid on their part, IMO.

phira

PrettyGirlLost said:

phira said:

I'm confused about one detail that you mention: When you say that your uncle, your cousin, and his fiancee all asked you about your wedding date, do you mean that they asked you before setting their date, or do you mean that they set their date and are now all, "So! When's your wedding?"

If that's the case, and they were invited to the engagement party, and they received a STD already, then that was really stupid on their part, IMO.

I mean, I agree, but I'm surprised at the number of people we directly told our wedding date to who asked me (more than once) after that.

huskypuppy14

crystalxolove ?  Are the weddings in the same area? I'm assuming you have overlapping guest and you're afraid some won't go to your wedding because they went to his?  I think as long as family weddings are not the same weekend, there is really nothing to say. You get your wedding day, and they get yours. 

chibiyui

'Like everyone else says, you're allowed to be upset, but you need to just grin and bear it.

And send your STD's first.

sarahufl

meh, while I get that everyone gets one day, I see why you would be upset. I would be too, frankly. Wouldn't do anything about it, but I sure as hell would come complain about it on The Knot

When I first got engaged, there was basically 1 date that worked for us (due to availability of the venue, other events, etc) and it happened to be the week before a very old family friend's son's wedding. We didn't care and went for it anyway. My mom went to the venue a few days later and causally mentioned that we would be interested in cancellations if they happened to come up so we changed it to 2 weeks before his wedding instead.

Bottom line was I wasn't waiting another year for the wedding I wanted because of him. Sometimes it's just how it happens. I plan to attend his wedding as well as my own and I am sure he will be at mine. It means a little extra travel for a few of our guests, but we are both excited to get married!

WildMagelet

sarahufl said:

meh, while I get that everyone gets one day, I see why you would be upset. I would be too, frankly. Wouldn't do anything about it, but I sure as hell would come complain about it on The Knot

When I first got engaged, there was basically 1 date that worked for us (due to availability of the venue, other events, etc) and it happened to be the week before a very old family friend's son's wedding. We didn't care and went for it anyway. My mom went to the venue a few days later and causally mentioned that we would be interested in cancellations if they happened to come up so we changed it to 2 weeks before his wedding instead.

Bottom line was I wasn't waiting another year for the wedding I wanted because of him. Sometimes it's just how it happens. I plan to attend his wedding as well as my own and I am sure he will be at mine. It means a little extra travel for a few of our guests, but we are both excited to get married!

All of this.  I know a couple that after considering their work, prior commitments, and VIP availability only had 2-3 dates available to pick during the entire year, and that's not taking into consideration their venue's calendar.

I really doubt your cousin picked that date just to spite you.

I would send out your STDs right away if you're worried about extended family picking only one wedding to attend.

jessicabessica

Why are you angry?  Do you have elderly family members who cannot handle two big weekends in a row?  Are you worried your cousin won't come to your wedding?  You won't be able to go to theirs?

kmmssg

I get being annoyed but decide to lose the angry and you will feel a lot better.

Think about all the things that go in to choosing a wedding date.  Are your VIPs available?  What dates are availabe at your dream venue or even just the venue you can afford?  What are the bride and groom's professional committments and restrictions on when the CAN take time off to get married?  Those same professional committments hold true for their parents, siblings, and other VIPs. You balance so many things on both sides of the family and it can be more difficult for some than others.

We were a military family.  When my  youngest stepdaughter chose her wedding date she didn't tell us she was engaged until she had set the date and booked the church.  She had chosen a date that I already had orders for (9 months out) for an NCO academy required for professional developement and promotion.  You don't cancel those orders unless you are lying in a casket or have a broken bone.  She did decide to change her date but families have issues like that so choosing a date can be rough.

My youngest DD is getting married to a man in the military this Summer.  Finding venues and vendors available for Summer weddings around the schedule of someone in the military is quite a balancing act!

There are always things in the background that you aren't aware of. Let go of your anger and be happy for your cousin!

melbelleup

crystalxolove said:

I have a question and would like everyone's opinion. I have been engaged to my fiancé since the beginning of May 2013. We set our date in May 2013, had our engagement party in September and just sent our save the dates out. We are getting married October 5, 2014. My male cousin proposed to his fiancée a month ago and they just set their date to be the weekend before my wedding. (September 26, 2014). My uncle (my cousin's father) and my cousin and his fiancée both asked me when I am getting married. Am I allowed to be angry because of this? How do I address this? I am upset and angry. Opinions please!!

Can't be angry, can't address it. I understand where you're coming from. but only half of your guest list will be the same. My brother is gettin married 3 weeks after you so I feel you. BUT you only get one day to celebrate, and that is it, so it doesn't matter when they get married

[Deleted User]

Maybe that was the only day available for the venue they wanted to book. I would say, go to the wedding, have fun & take mental notes of stuff for your wedding. Not decor wise or anything, but say if you notice something went wrong or there is something they did that may make your day easier, you can go, need to make sure to do or not do that at my wedding. Yes, you are risking family members not being able to attend both weddings, but you are giving them enough notice and all you can do is hope for the best. Try to relax and enjoy planning your wedding, its going to be wonderful.

MandyMost

I think you need to sit down and rationally think about WHY you are upset. As in, what are the actual consequences of this decision. From what I can tell, there are 4 reasons that I may be upset...

1. All the family attention that was going to be about your wedding all year will now be split between you and your cousin. But really, don't be petty. Just enjoy yourself, and don't worry about anyone else.

2. You won't be able to make it to your cousin's wedding, because you will be too busy or were planning some pre-wedding festivities with your bridesmaids or something that weekend. It's OK, I'm sure she'll understand! Conversely, maybe you'll feel obligated to attend the wedding even if you were planning something else--in that case, you still have many months that you can re-schedule whatever else you had planned that weekend.

3. She won't be able to make it to your wedding. Oh well, I'm sure other guests won't be able to make it either, having nothing to do with this. And I'm sure you'll barely even notice, because you'll be having such a wonderful time.

4. Guests won't be able to attend both weddings. First of all, this is likely a half of a fourth of your guest list. Think about it---your guest list is your family, your friends, his family, his friends. Your cousin is related to half of your family. So, an eighth of your guest list is affected! Guests will attend both, neither, or choose. There's nothing you can do about it that you haven't already done--you sent your save the dates. They know when it is. 

kittypolishnbags

This will bother some people and it wouldn't bother others. I fall in the latter category. I'd be happy for my cousin and attend if I can. Those that want to come to my wedding will come still. If they don't, oh well.

photokitty

I'd be annoyed too…BUT

Is it possible they chose the date because his VIPs said they would come in for his wedding and stay the week to attend yours? Maybe it worked logistically for OOT guests? Just offering a possible answer that would be a good reason and not trying to slight you and steal your thunder. Maybe that's why they asked…so they could have it the week before or after for this reason? Maybe, perhaps?? :-D

jneen101

Am I allowed to be angry because of this? How do I address this? I am upset and angry. Opinions please!!

Address it how and to whom?  I don't think I understand the question.

climbingsingle

My cousin got engaged 3 weeks after me. After I'd already booked my venue, she picked a date two weeks before mine. 

Do I care? NOPE. Not in the slightest. I get one day, she gets another day. And I'm over the moon that they're getting married and that I will be there to witness it. 

My brother is also engaged. They haven't picked a date yet, but if it's before mine, I won't care. Again, I'm happy he's getting married. There's no such thing as thunder-stealing. 

lc07

My extended family is spread out all over the country, although we are close. I would be upset if this happened because I would be concerned that my family may not be able to make it to my wedding when they may have been able to had the other wedding not been in such close proximity. 

As far as how to address it, I would first make sure that that would in fact be a problem for our guests. And then I would either reschedule my date or if that wasn't possible I would ask cousin if he was concerned about it being difficult for our mutual guests and what his feelings are on the matter.

cowgirl8238

lc07 said:

My extended family is spread out all over the country, although we are close. I would be upset if this happened because I would be concerned that my family may not be able to make it to my wedding when they may have been able to had the other wedding not been in such close proximity. 

As far as how to address it, I would first make sure that that would in fact be a problem for our guests. And then I would either reschedule my date or if that wasn't possible I would ask cousin if he was concerned about it being difficult for our mutual guests and what his feelings are on the matter.

Although I understand your logic...what you are suggesting will come off as rude and passive aggressive.  The OP can be a little upset if she chooses (although she shouldn't) but there is no reason why either person should change their dates...you get one day and only one day.

lc07

cowgirl8238 said:

lc07 said:

My extended family is spread out all over the country, although we are close. I would be upset if this happened because I would be concerned that my family may not be able to make it to my wedding when they may have been able to had the other wedding not been in such close proximity. 

As far as how to address it, I would first make sure that that would in fact be a problem for our guests. And then I would either reschedule my date or if that wasn't possible I would ask cousin if he was concerned about it being difficult for our mutual guests and what his feelings are on the matter.

Although I understand your logic...what you are suggesting will come off as rude and passive aggressive.  The OP can be a little upset if she chooses (although she shouldn't) but there is no reason why either person should change their dates...you get one day and only one day.

If my family could not attend my wedding and the reason was because there was another wedding being the week prior, I would reschedule my date if that was possible. It means that much to me. I would not suggest telling the cousin that he should reschedule his, however. 

kgd7357

My cousin asked me to move my wedding since I booked it a month after hers, and she was afraid people wouldn't go to both. I just rolled my eyes. Don't say anything to them. Just do an internal eye roll if you are annoyed.