17 year old flower girl

Jena8ly

So my FI told his friend's step daughter, who is 17, she could be our flower girl. He didn't tell me until last night. After we had the discussion weeks ago that we wouldn't have a flower girl because neither of us has any young female children in the family. I haven't even met this child. His nephew, who will be 1 1/2 years old when we get married, is our ring bearer. I'm frustrated and irritated, there is no real way to fix this since he has already asked her. So I guess I have to just deal with it, but man am I pissed that it never occurred to him to talk to me at all about it, first.

thelastdreamer

First of all at 17 you probably shouldn't refer to her as "this child." Was she excited about being the flower girl? It seems pretty weird and condescending to me, but since he already asked her and if she genuinely wants to do it, seems your straight out of luck. But that's odd.

manateehugger

Umm did your FI ask his friend if the daughter even wanted to be the flower girl? Having this poor young lady walk next to a toddler who can barely walk as flower girl seems insulting to the max. 17 is way too old for a flower girl. There's no way in hell I would have done it at 17.

And agreed that you can't really call her a child anymore. She's nearly a legal adult; don't insult her further. 

ei34

I think 1.5 is too young to be a ring bearer, so maybe having a 17-year-old guide him will be a good thing.  If I was a guest I'd assume at her age she was a bridesmaid, even if she was throwing flower petals and walking with the ring bearer. 

I'd also be peeved that my FI made that kind of decision without consulting me.

Jena8ly

At 17 she is still a child, but would young lady sound better to you? Apparently, she was very excited. I agree that I'm out of luck on this. There's not much to do but accept it. I'm certain it's pretty obvious to you all that I am not a fan, but what's done, is done. I have no intentions of telling her now she can't be in the wedding because I've got a stick up my butt about a young lady of 17 being a flower girl.

vt&dt

Yikes.  That really stinks that your FI went and made the decision and talked to other people without your input.

I think some people might think her age is a little odd for the role... but most people will forget about that as soon as you come down the aisle, and especially when the party starts

renegade gaucho

Your fiance gets to choose his side of the wedding party, and who cares if she wants to be called a flower girl instead of a groomswoman?  It's very common for an older person to escort a ring bearer as young as yours down the aisle anyway, so I really don't see what the big deal is here.

Maggie0829

Jena8ly said:

At 17 she is still a child, but would young lady sound better to you? Apparently, she was very excited. I agree that I'm out of luck on this. There's not much to do but accept it. I'm certain it's pretty obvious to you all that I am not a fan, but what's done, is done. I have no intentions of telling her now she can't be in the wedding because I've got a stick up my butt about a young lady of 17 being a flower girl.

Slow your roll.  You came on here to vent.  People agreed with you as to why you were upset so I don't understand the attitude. 

And no, a 17 year old is not a child.  She is a young adult/teenager.

Did the 17 accept the role?  Honestly, I would list her as a Groomswoman and just have her escort the 1.5 year old down the aisle.

Jena8ly

@Maggie0829 I'm not sure what attitude you are referring too? If it read snarky I didn't intend it to. It has to be the comment of "but would young lady sound better to you?", I was seriously asking, not being bitchy.

Yes she accepted this role.

Maggie0829

@Maggie0829 I'm not sure what attitude you are referring too? If it read snarky I didn't intend it to. It has to be the comment of "but would young lady sound better to you?", I was seriously asking, not being bitchy.

Yes she accepted this role.

Yeah, it definitely read a bit snarky to me. Since it wasn't I retrack my "slow your roll" statement. Even though she accepted the role I still would list her as a Groomswoman. I am sure she was just being nice and didn't want to say how being a flower girl is a kids role not a 17 year olds role. But it is just weird that your FI even thought a 17 year old was an appropriate age for a flower girl.

Jena8ly

I'm almost certain his thought process was, "I'd like to include "Jane" in the wedding. I've known her forever... hey, Jena and I don't have a flower girl. We could totally put Jane in the wedding as the flower girl." End thought.

Jen4948

A 1.5 year old is too young to be a ring bearer because he can't get up and down the aisle by himself or understand what's being expected of him.

But I'd ask your FI and this girl if they'd be okay with her being a groomsmaid instead.  She'll still be in the wedding, in a role more appropriate for people her age, on his side.

Jena8ly

The ring bearer is young yes, but since his mother is the groom's sister and my BM she was going to carry/walk him down with her. His Dad is a GM I wasn't concerned about the age of the ring bearer. He is literally the only young male even remotely related to either of us.

I'm irritated that my FI didn't talk to me about wanting to add this young lady beforehand so we could have found an appropriate role for her. Just needed to vent.

MaryGraceRich

On a quasi-related but funnier note, one of my bridesmaids who is my age asked if she could be the flower girl instead. She said she had experince because she had done it twice as a kid. Lol I didnt have one already I would have said yes. It would be really funny.

AddieCake

Did you ask your fiance why he thought 17 was an ok age for a flower girl? That really is quite odd. 

Jen4948

Jena8ly said:

The ring bearer is young yes, but since his mother is the groom's sister and my BM she was going to carry/walk him down with her. His Dad is a GM I wasn't concerned about the age of the ring bearer. He is literally the only young male even remotely related to either of us.

I'm irritated that my FI didn't talk to me about wanting to add this young lady beforehand so we could have found an appropriate role for her. Just needed to vent.

There is no requirement that you have a ring bearer, let alone shoehorn a too-young infant into the role.  If he has to be carried down the aisle and back because of his age, he's too young.

chibiyui

http://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=1518

AddieCake

Yep. I'm in the camp that feels if a kid can't get him or herself down the aisle and know what he or she is actually DOING, he or she is too young to participate. And you don't have to have a ring bearer, so the fact that he's the only male child "available" to you is irrelevant. 

logana1

http://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=1518

QC!!

logana1

I've seen the idea of the two grandmothers being the flower "girls". Maybe the term for the 17 year old would be better as a Jr. BM. But I've seen some speculation on that term on other boards as well. My one suggestion would be maybe to have the 17 year old babysit the infant so he's more comfortable around her and less likely to fuss with her down the aisle. Just a random thought really.

Jen4948

logana1 said:

I've seen the idea of the two grandmothers being the flower "girls". Maybe the term for the 17 year old would be better as a Jr. BM. But I've seen some speculation on that term on other boards as well. My one suggestion would be maybe to have the 17 year old babysit the infant so he's more comfortable around her and less likely to fuss with her down the aisle. Just a random thought really.

Don't ask someone coming as a guest to babysit another guest-especially for free.

logana1

Jen4948 said:

logana1 said:

I've seen the idea of the two grandmothers being the flower "girls". Maybe the term for the 17 year old would be better as a Jr. BM. But I've seen some speculation on that term on other boards as well. My one suggestion would be maybe to have the 17 year old babysit the infant so he's more comfortable around her and less likely to fuss with her down the aisle. Just a random thought really.

Don't ask someone coming as a guest to babysit another guest-especially for free.

I didn't mean as a babysitter for the wedding. I meant prior too.

PrettyGirlLost

logana1 said:

I've seen the idea of the two grandmothers being the flower "girls". Maybe the term for the 17 year old would be better as a Jr. BM. But I've seen some speculation on that term on other boards as well. My one suggestion would be maybe to have the 17 year old babysit the infant so he's more comfortable around her and less likely to fuss with her down the aisle. Just a random thought really.

Oh God, please no.  Do you really think a 17 year old girl, one who is a year away from being classified as an adult, wants to be labeled as a Junior in anything other than in the clothing department?

I'd wager no, she doesn't.  Just call her a BM. 

The reason why I find the term Jr BM so stupid is because all BMs do the exact same thing regardless of their age- they hold a bouquet and they walk down an aisle and then they pose for pictures.  So there is no point in classifying a subset of BM's based on age, KWIM?

Jen4948

PrettyGirlLost said:

logana1 said:

I've seen the idea of the two grandmothers being the flower "girls". Maybe the term for the 17 year old would be better as a Jr. BM. But I've seen some speculation on that term on other boards as well. My one suggestion would be maybe to have the 17 year old babysit the infant so he's more comfortable around her and less likely to fuss with her down the aisle. Just a random thought really.

Oh God, please no.  Do you really think a 17 year old girl, one who is a year away from being classified as an adult, wants to be labeled as a Junior in anything other than in the clothing department?

I'd wager no, she doesn't.  Just call her a BM. 

The reason why I find the term Jr BM so stupid is because all BMs do the exact same thing regardless of their age- they hold a bouquet and they walk down an aisle and then they pose for pictures.  So there is no point in classifying a subset of BM's based on age, KWIM?

Actually, high school juniors are often about 17 years old, but I agree that she should just be called a bridesmaid since she wouldn't be doing anything different from a bridesmaid.

leoj

Nothing is wrong with having a 17 year old as a flower girl. My sister is going to be my flower girl and she is 26 and my 27 year old brother is going to be my ring bearer. Cause I promised them when they were 8 and 9 that they could and now that I am getting married they choose to do this instead of being a bridesmaid or groomsmen.

RissAnn1970

The kid can't be a bridesmaid because the bride has never even met her & she doesn't belong on the bride's side.

Jen4948

RissAnn1970 said:

The kid can't be a bridesmaid because the bride has never even met her & she doesn't belong on the bride's side.

Then she should be a groomsmaid.  The point is, she should not be called "junior" anything.

[Deleted User]

Look, if a groom's sister can be considered a BM, then that girl can be considered a BM. Instead of asking her to be a flower girl, just simply ask her if she would like to officially upgrade to a BM. You are allowed to be upset. Don't allow these other girls to make your feelings seem invalid. You were upset and after a little while, you will or already cooled down. Try to compromise with him over his faux pas by allowing you an extra decision on whatever. It will make you feel better, trust me.

AddieCake

niabiaxxmoi said:

Look, if a groom's sister can be considered a BM, then that girl can be considered a BM. Instead of asking her to be a flower girl, just simply ask her if she would like to officially upgrade to a BM. You are allowed to be upset. Don't allow these other girls to make your feelings seem invalid. You were upset and after a little while, you will or already cooled down. Try to compromise with him over his faux pas by allowing you an extra decision on whatever. It will make you feel better, trust me.

No, she would be a GROOMSmaid if the GROOM wants her there and to stand on HIS side. OP doesn't even know this girl or want her as a bridesmaid. If fiance wants her in the WP, she can stand with him.