Inviting Stepfamily to the Wedding

cosenti7

My parents had a messy divorce ten years ago and my father married the women he left my mother for. Now he wants to invite his wife's immediate family (parents and siblings) to my October 2014 wedding. He is contributing some money towards the wedding and he feels that this entitles his to include the people he wants to include. I'm not close to my stepmother's family and I don't want to make my mother feel more uncomfortable than she needs to. These extra people are not in my life and I'd rather not have them attend. Is this battle worth fighting? We also have an extremely large family and these extras are pushing the guest list to the max.

photokitty

I would decline your fathers money and host what you can afford. That way you can avoid having to invite them. I can completely understand not wanting to invite your step-mom's family. However, if your dad is contributing to the wedding, the reception in particular, he does have some say over the guest list.

GL!

kmmssg

Ditto photokitty - spot on advice.  If you accept Dad's money it seems to come with strings.  Unfortunately, he is the one who decides what strings those are.

If you don't want these people at your wedding and he won't concede to that, decline his money.

smalfrie19

I think it depends on how much he is contributing personally. Some money is not very indicative. For example, my mom is contributing $500 to my roughly 10K wedding..She wants to me invite my biological father. I told her no, under no uncertain terms.

Is your dad contributing to something SPECIFICALLY like your dress or the bar?

 

short+sassy

Bottom line, "he who pays, says".  I realize there are a lot of emotions that come into play but it really boils down to two things

1) Are you willing to invite these people if it means your dad will pull his funding otherwise? (I realize you didn't say that specifically).

2) Or, would you prefer to possibly have to give up whatever his contribution is and not invite the extended step family?

If it were me, I would very nicely explain to my father that...while they seem like lovely people...I don't really know or feel close to step-aunt-uncle-grandma-whatever and don't want them attending my wedding. Also point out the guest list is already large and approaching max. capacity. I think you will be more successful with that tact than going into how you think it will upset your mother.  But, if he still insists...you are left with the two above choices.

phira

So, I think this is a hill to die on.

1) You don't know these people, and it sounds like you're already cutting your guest list pretty significantly. You shouldn't have to make room in your budget for people you don't know at the expense of inviting people you love and care about.

2) Your parents' divorce has been very messy, and having his wife's family come to the wedding will add an additional stress on you, as a child of divorce.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your perspective), the only way to deal with this that's fair to your father AND fair to you and your fiance is to decline your dad's money. In your shoes, I would definitely decline it.

Amyzen83

My guest list at max is approx 200 people, my parents are being very generous towards it, I've already invited a few people that they specifically requested, but then they suggested guests, that I'm not really close with and haven't spoken to in over a year. Although their money has no strings, and I've paid for stuff already. This is what I explained to my mom. Mom, our wedding budget is X amount of dollars, we originally only wanted X amount of people at our wedding but our max is 200, we are already at 200 if we add so and so it will mean cutting out people who I am closer with than so and so and I don't feel like that's fair to them.
So I think if you explain logistics and leave out how it would effect your mom perhaps he may be willing to compromise

Jen4948

phira said:

So, I think this is a hill to die on.

1) You don't know these people, and it sounds like you're already cutting your guest list pretty significantly. You shouldn't have to make room in your budget for people you don't know at the expense of inviting people you love and care about.

2) Your parents' divorce has been very messy, and having his wife's family come to the wedding will add an additional stress on you, as a child of divorce.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your perspective), the only way to deal with this that's fair to your father AND fair to you and your fiance is to decline your dad's money. In your shoes, I would definitely decline it.

This in its entirety.

cosenti7

Thanks for the advice!!

My father's contribution is basically covering all his family and friends that he wants to invite. I don't want to offend him and create drama with my dad on my big day. Should I just suck it up ?

photokitty

cosenti7 said:

Thanks for the advice!!

My father's contribution is basically covering all his family and friends that he wants to invite. I don't want to offend him and create drama with my dad on my big day. Should I just suck it up ?

Have you talked to your mom? I would see if this is an issue for her. If it is a non-issue and he is paying for his friends and family then I'd let him invite them. You probably won't even know they are there. This is assuming it doesn't require you cutting someone else from the list due to capacity limits.

cosenti7

I'm sure it would be an issue. My mom has trouble speaking about my dad and his wife, let alone seeing them. I see both sides. My dad wants me to respect his new family, while my mom doesn't want my dad bringing people who aren't important to me or my FI.

Jen4948

You might have to tell them both, "Mom, Dad, I need my wedding day to be happy and to be about the people who my FI and I love and who love us.  We really need it not to be about the issues surrounding your divorce and remarriage.  Since we are already having to scale back our guest list, we'd really appreciate it if there are no directives about who we should or shouldn't invite.  Please let us make that decision and respect it, whatever it turns out to be."

OliveOilsMom

cosenti7 said:

I'm sure it would be an issue. My mom has trouble speaking about my dad and his wife, let alone seeing them. I see both sides. My dad wants me to respect his new family, while my mom doesn't want my dad bringing people who aren't important to me or my FI.

Can you afford to decline your father's money and then just invite the people from your dad's side that you want to invite?  This gives you back control of your guest list.  I understand the reasoning of both your parents, but it seems like YOU don't want these people either.  So decline the money and pay for everything yourself.

photokitty

cosenti7 said:

I'm sure it would be an issue. My mom has trouble speaking about my dad and his wife, let alone seeing them. I see both sides. My dad wants me to respect his new family, while my mom doesn't want my dad bringing people who aren't important to me or my FI.

Have you talked to your dad and told him how you feel? Tell him you respect his new family and you are willing to get to know them and spend time with them, but this is not the time or place to forge a relationship. Explain how you feel and how you would prefer that it just be him and his wife as it will be difficult for your mom. I am hoping you having talked to him about it and told him how you feel and that once you do he will be respectful and understanding.

If he is not, decline the money if needed, cut his portion of the guest list as needed and host what you can afford. This situation has the potentially to bring a dark cloud over your wedding if one of your parents isn't willing to compromise and make the most of it.

You can totally respect people and not invite them to your wedding. My guess is your stepmom wants to have her support network there, but she should be an adult and suck it up. Some people are guaranteed to be uncomfortable - the problem here is all the parental units are lumping you into the people who get to feel uncomfortable instead of being adults and doing what is best for you.

Amyzen83

Jen4948 said:

You might have to tell them both, "Mom, Dad, I need my wedding day to be happy and to be about the people who my FI and I love and who love us.  We really need it not to be about the issues surrounding your divorce and remarriage.  Since we are already having to scale back our guest list, we'd really appreciate it if there are no directives about who we should or shouldn't invite.  Please let us make that decision and respect it, whatever it turns out to be."

This!

cmiles89

I think I will have roughly this same situation with my wedding, so I feel your pain. My mom is such a mamabear, she would be angry on my behalf, not so much for herself. I hate how people use weddings to try and reconcile or reunite... it's a wedding, not family therapy people.

GL talking to them, hope it goes well!

Amyzen83

I completely agree that if you are estranged from someone or aren't close a wedding is not a place to fix it.

ashleyep

photokitty said:

cosenti7 said:

Thanks for the advice!!

My father's contribution is basically covering all his family and friends that he wants to invite. I don't want to offend him and create drama with my dad on my big day. Should I just suck it up ?

Have you talked to your mom? I would see if this is an issue for her. If it is a non-issue and he is paying for his friends and family then I'd let him invite them. You probably won't even know they are there. This is assuming it doesn't require you cutting someone else from the list due to capacity limits.

I will add to this that my parents are inviting a bunch of their friends and my mom is inviting some work friends that I've never bet. But they're paying for the bulk of the reception, so it's just something I have to deal with. I'll say hi, thank them for coming, and then proceeed to not notice them the rest of the night. If we max out our guest list, I'll talk to her about who we can cut.

But of course, you don't want to make your mom completely uncomfortable either.

cosenti7

Thanks for all the support and advice! I think I will try talking it out with my father and seeing if we can compromise (maybe invite her mother and father but not her siblings). If that doesn't go well, my FI and I will have some tough decisions to make!

phira

Amyzen83 said:

I completely agree that if you are estranged from someone or aren't close a wedding is not a place to fix it.

YES EXACTLY.

Chipmunk415

I was in a similar situation. FI's mom is deceased. We invited her sibs and parents. We invited FI's Dad's sibs. We agreed to invite FSMIL's Dad (FFIL and FSMIL put us on the spot on that one, asking in front of him whether he was on the list). We're inviting FSMIL's Dad to rehersal dinner as a nice gesture.

Next thing we knew, FSMIL was telling FFIL to tell us to invite her sister, sister's hubs, and her brother (exclude bro's nasty gf). I've never met these people. The brother is a racist jerk. FI and I talk, say we are willing to invite sister and hubs. FSMIL keeps pushing passive aggressively. FI finally loses his shit, declares that since inviting one sibling without the other would be rude, neither are invited (no invite out yet).

FI's folks offered us money for RD, we get to keep whatever's left. Haven't seen it yet, not counting on it. It could be your SM is feeling a little threatened by the idea that your mom's family will be there, and she wants to "even the playing field" so to speak- we're pretty sure that's the issue with FSMIL.  Sit, talk, and be prepared to decline the money.