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I don't understand engaged but not ready to get married

jenna8984jenna8984 clam bakes & patriots member
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One of my friends has been engaged for 2 years and they have no plans to get married in the near future. I totally understand if they're both young or in college or med school or law school and they are waiting to finish that and settle in- that's fine. Or if you have to postpone due to having kids or something like that. In my eyes those people want to be married and are committed to each other but are being maturing waiting until the time is right.

Now I'm talking about my friend......they are both 29 years old, not in school, full time jobs, no major life changes coming in the next year. Yet whenever we talk about marriage and weddings she says "we're just not ready for that, we need more time". All I can think in my mind is like ooooooooook then why are you engaged?? Why did you agree if you really don't agree? You know what I mean? Maybe it's just me but I feel like don't ask until you're serious and ready to do it or don't accept until you're serious and ready to do it.

                                                                 

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Re: I don't understand engaged but not ready to get married

  • Maybe they are both okay with being engaged and seeing where it takes them. I agree it might be a tad bit strange, but if they are okay with it, whats the problem, ya know? 

    I have a friend and his mom was with their step dad forever. Like several several years with out being officially married. I don't know if they were technically engaged, but they are now married or getting married. Some people just prefer it.
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
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    Yeah I agree this is a little weird.  

    I don't think you need to be "ready" to get married in order to get engaged.  Engagement is a time to prepare for marriage.  But it should at least be on the horizon, so it seems strange to you be engaged and not even considering marriage at all.

    Meanwhile, people who just stay partners and never get engaged or married totally doesn't bother me.  Dad was with SM for about 8 years before getting engaged and then married.  I think Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell are basically the best couple ever.  Totally fine with me.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • FI and I have been together for 4 years, engaged for over 2, and have no immediate wedding plans. We also own a condo together. Just because we don't have marriage plans doesn't mean we shouldn't be engaged...it simply means we aren't in a rush and recognize that our relationship won't change just because we are married. Oh, and I'm 29, he'll be 31 next month.

    Just because your friend isn't ready to get married right now doesn't mean they aren't serious-I think it's crappy of you to make that assumption. Engagement is a step towards marriage.
    [Deleted User]
  • Dating is the time to prepare for being married.  Being engaged should be the time to prepare for a wedding.
    JennyColadathejucheideanetskyblue2Kate61487
  • jenna8984jenna8984 clam bakes & patriots member
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    True that they might have other issues they are working through. 
    But I don't think engagement is a "step" in a relationship. It's not like oh this dating thing was fun, now let's just bump up the label without actually taking the meaning behind it seriously. Sorry if that's harsh or rude I just don't think it should be a "step" unless you're ready to take it. You either want to be with someone the rest of your life or you don't, you don't just test drive an engagement. 

                                                                     

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    JennyColadaMrsDeRuyter87
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
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    People can be committed to each other with intent to marry and just not ready to make it official yet for a variety of reasons. Maybe they are "engaged" because they have friends who act as if they aren't "serious" if they aren't moving toward marriage. Our society is high pressure with shit like that. Maybe they got engaged to get people off their backs and be able to just enjoy their relationship.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    jdluvr06SKPM
  • jenna8984jenna8984 clam bakes & patriots member
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    @addiel73 True....I guess I'm just so thrilled and over the moon to spend my life with him and I literally can't wait for it to happen in 9 months. So I just don't relate to NOT feeling that way about your fiance lol 

                                                                     

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  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    But what will change about your relationship when you get married? You don't have to be married to spend your life with someone.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    CLoGreenEyes
  • jenna8984jenna8984 clam bakes & patriots member
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    AddieL73 said:
    But what will change about your relationship when you get married? You don't have to be married to spend your life with someone.
    I know you don't have to be married. I am traditional. All of my grandparents are still married, my parents are still married, so I grew up wishing the same for myself one day. Maybe I'm crazy but I still believe that an engagement and a marriage should mean something and not just "sure why not" 

                                                                     

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  • Engagement means different things to different people. Personally, we viewed engagement as merely a brief transition time while we planned our wedding. But for other people, it's just a different level of commitment. Neither opinion is better than the other. I honestly couldn't care less how other people define their relationship. It's none of my business!
    AddieCakepends123Pepper6
  • I think what PP said about there being stuff in your friend's life that you don't know or understand may be spot on. Who's to say there aren't finanacial troubles in play, or something equally difficult? Or maybe they are slowly planning it, and "We aren't ready" is their go-to deflect phrase when people bug them about it.

    Just because they aren't ready for a wedding, doesn't mean they aren't ready to spend their lives together. I think maybe we can't really judge her on this, it's not a big deal and doesn't impact/threaten the validity of anyone else's wedding.

    AddieCake
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My BFF's aunt and uncle have been engaged for 30 years.  They have lived together for almost as long.  For all intent and purposes, they are married, they just never actually had the ceremony or as many people like to say "did the paperwork."  We also don't have common law marriage in NJ.
    AddieCake

  • jdluvr06 said:
    I can offer a different perspective on this. FI and I have been engaged for 5 years. We had a few mini dramas that caused us to keep putting off getting married and when people who weren't privy to our problems talked about weddings and stuff I used to deflect but saying that we weren't ready for that yet. Maybe your friend and her FI have some stuff going on that you don't know about and that they aren't wanting to share.
    I can relate to this completely.  My FI and I have been engaged for 2 years, finally set a date for this summer about 2 months ago.  We waited because although we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together, we had a couple things we needed to sort out before we got married.  Both of our parents are divorced so we take getting married seriously and wanted to figure everything out before we set a date.  It was really hard for me when people would ask when we were getting married, which happens almost every day when you work with the public.  Sometimes I would explain a little but other times I blamed it on other things going on or that we wanted to "enjoy our engagement." 

    Oh and we bought a house in the middle there so that set us back a little. 
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  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
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    jenna8984 said:

    One of my friends has been engaged for 2 years and they have no plans to get married in the near future. I totally understand if they're both young or in college or med school or law school and they are waiting to finish that and settle in- that's fine. Or if you have to postpone due to having kids or something like that. In my eyes those people want to be married and are committed to each other but are being maturing waiting until the time is right.

    Now I'm talking about my friend......they are both 29 years old, not in school, full time jobs, no major life changes coming in the next year. Yet whenever we talk about marriage and weddings she says "we're just not ready for that, we need more time". All I can think in my mind is like ooooooooook then why are you engaged?? Why did you agree if you really don't agree? You know what I mean? Maybe it's just me but I feel like don't ask until you're serious and ready to do it or don't accept until you're serious and ready to do it.

    I don't really see the point in being judgmental about this. There could have been 1,000 things that came up after they got engaged but they didn't want to call off the engagement per say but work through them. You may not mean to but you come off sort of self-righteous in this post. It's really no one's business why they are waiting and it's highly likely that it's something very personal that they have no desire to share with you.
    LinsInLove
  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 The Concrete Jungle member
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    Yea it might be something personal. My friend got engaged 2 years ago, and her date is set for next year. The thing is she has broken off the engagement twice, and she is still not sure if she wants to go through with the wedding, but she has not told many people. Or maybe this just works for them, and they are happy taking things one day at a time. Every couple is different, and every situation is different.
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  • Cookie PusherCookie Pusher Looking over your shoulder member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    FI are having a long engagement (almost 2.5 years). I tell people all the time that we don't have a date set when I don't particularly want to divulge wedding details to them.
    ~*~*~*~*~

  • JennyColadaJennyColada Awesometown, CA member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited January 2014

    My BFF's aunt and uncle have been engaged for 30 years.  They have lived together for almost as long.  For all intent and purposes, they are married, they just never actually had the ceremony or as many people like to say "did the paperwork."  We also don't have common law marriage in NJ.

    See that would just scare me. Even now, if Fi were to have a serious medical issue, I'd feel trapped. Simply because we have no paperwork, I cannot make decisions upon his behalf or sometimes would be unable to even see him!

    I can't imagine having those fears for 30 years. :/
    blondeejjenna8984
  • I think it's just a personal thing. Everyone is different. I have a friend who has been with her FI for like 12 years. They've been engaged for at least 5 or 6 of those years. They moved across the country together, and bought a house together. When people ask her about marriage she says, "we'll probably just go to the JOP one day a bang it out". To her it's like they're already married. She feels as if she doesn't need the vows to spend her life with someone.

    If that's what she feels comfortable with, more power to her.
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    My high school band teacher referred to his significant other as his Fiancee, but they'd been engaged for 18 years, give or take. Who knows why. << shrugs >>
    ________________________________


  • Dating is the time to prepare for being married.  Being engaged should be the time to prepare for a wedding.
    Except you don't have to have a wedding to get married. I won't be having a traditional wedding-I'll be going to the JOP and doing the ceremony that way. Will that make me any less married? Because I'm not ready to go do it next week, does that mean I shouldn't be engaged? I seems like half often posters think that people who aren't ready to get married immediately shouldn't engaged-what's up with that? @jenna8984 my engagement doesn't "mean nothing" just because I'm not running down to the courthouse to get married next week. You sound very judge-y. If you're so ready to get married, and there's no point in waiting, why don't YOU get married next week? I mean why are you even engaged if you're not ready to get married? With your logic, there should be no reason to wait 9 months.
  • jenna8984 said:
    @addiel73 True....I guess I'm just so thrilled and over the moon to spend my life with him and I literally can't wait for it to happen in 9 months. So I just don't relate to NOT feeling that way about your fiance lol 
    Wait a minute. Are you saying there are people out there who don't feel the exact same way as you do about everything? How dare they have different opinions than you do and not make the exact same decisions about their life that you do about yours!

    Different strokes for different folks. It's allowed.

    Oh, and if you "literally" couldn't wait, you would have found a JOP the same day he proposed and you'd already be married. Clearly you really can wait.
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  • jenna8984jenna8984 clam bakes & patriots member
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    lol alright chill out. I didn't mean to come off as judgmental, like I said I'm just stoked to get married and don't see why you'd be engaged to someone if you're not stoked to marry them. I wasn't talking about every single couple that has a long engagement I was talking my friend in particular who seems very wishy washy towards him and the whole thing. 
    And I'm not running to the JP today because we and our family prefer a traditional wedding with reception and that takes time to plan and time for the dress to be made. We're not waiting 9 months because we aren't ready or sure lol 

                                                                     

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  • I have  friend who has been engaged for 8 years and she has no desire to get married, She has the ring, that's commitment enough for them. Who and I to judge what works for them and their relationship

    PolarBearFitz
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    jenna8984 said:
    lol alright chill out. I didn't mean to come off as judgmental, like I said I'm just stoked to get married and don't see why you'd be engaged to someone if you're not stoked to marry them. I wasn't talking about every single couple that has a long engagement I was talking my friend in particular who seems very wishy washy towards him and the whole thing. 
    And I'm not running to the JP today because we and our family prefer a traditional wedding with reception and that takes time to plan and time for the dress to be made. We're not waiting 9 months because we aren't ready or sure lol 
    Maybe instead of being so self-righteous about it you should be glad that you aren't experiencing issues or circumstances that are keeping you from being married. You still sound super judgmental of your friend. You aren't in her shoes. Let it go.
  • PolarBearFitzPolarBearFitz member
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    edited January 2014
    jenna8984 said:

    One of my friends has been engaged for 2 years and they have no plans to get married in the near future. I totally understand if they're both young or in college or med school or law school and they are waiting to finish that and settle in- that's fine. Or if you have to postpone due to having kids or something like that. In my eyes those people want to be married and are committed to each other but are being maturing waiting until the time is right.

    Now I'm talking about my friend......they are both 29 years old, not in school, full time jobs, no major life changes coming in the next year. Yet whenever we talk about marriage and weddings she says "we're just not ready for that, we need more time". All I can think in my mind is like ooooooooook then why are you engaged?? Why did you agree if you really don't agree? You know what I mean? Maybe it's just me but I feel like don't ask until you're serious and ready to do it or don't accept until you're serious and ready to do it.

    You have no idea what kind of journey a person is on to lead them to where they are right now. Maybe they are saving money and paying off debts before they decide to have a wedding. Maybe they have family drama that is preventing them from tying the knot. Maybe they just want to wait for no particular reason other than they know they are not ready yet.

    I think you have assumed a lot about their relationship and passed judgement on something because it doesn't fit your parameters of what you think an engagement should be....

    To answer your questions: They are probably engaged because they love each other and want to be engaged. I know what you mean and it is just you.
  • AddieL73 said:

    People can be committed to each other with intent to marry and just not ready to make it official yet for a variety of reasons. Maybe they are "engaged" because they have friends who act as if they aren't "serious" if they aren't moving toward marriage. Our society is high pressure with shit like that. Maybe they got engaged to get people off their backs and be able to just enjoy their relationship.

    This. Maybe their social circle practices a lot of that heinous "no ring, no bring" nonsense and they're tired of it. In the end, this doesn't seem like something to be concerned about.

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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
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    edited January 2014
    jenna8984 said:
    lol alright chill out. I didn't mean to come off as judgmental, like I said I'm just stoked to get married and don't see why you'd be engaged to someone if you're not stoked to marry them. I wasn't talking about every single couple that has a long engagement I was talking my friend in particular who seems very wishy washy towards him and the whole thing. 
    And I'm not running to the JP today because we and our family prefer a traditional wedding with reception and that takes time to plan and time for the dress to be made. We're not waiting 9 months because we aren't ready or sure lol 

    Then it sounds like she's actually being sensible by not rushing out to marry somebody she's not entirely sure she wants to spend the rest of her life with. She's placing more importance on the potential marriage than she is on having a Barbie wedding day.

     

  • I agree with OP.  Engaged means an agreement to marry has been made.  If you're "not ready to get married" why did you agree to get married?

    I have no issue with long engagements, you may want to save up money to pay for the wedding you want, or to get partner A out of debt, or have health or family issues or any number of situations that prevent a speedy wedding. 
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I agree with OP.  Engaged means an agreement to marry has been made.  If you're "not ready to get married" why did you agree to get married?

    I have no issue with long engagements, you may want to save up money to pay for the wedding you want, or to get partner A out of debt, or have health or family issues or any number of situations that prevent a speedy wedding. 
    Perhaps the couple agreed to get married and became engaged. And then some shit hit the fan. Do they owe it to the public to become unengaged? What if they're trying to work things out? It doesn't matter, frankly. It's no one's business and it's shitty for anyone to be judgmental about it.
    SKPMzitiqueen
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