Trouble with Bridesmaids

jneen101

niabiaxxmoi said:

Also, what I meant by working together is that they'll be doing things together. I don't even care anymore.

Yay!  I think you will be a lot happier now that you have realized this is a non-issue! 

artbyallie

Why do you want them to have a dress hanging in their closet for the better part of four months anyway? What purpose does that serve? I get that you're in bride mode and are thinking "OMG, only four months left!!!" but you need to realize that they're not and what they're thinking is, "Take a chill pill, we have four whole MONTHS."

aurianna

niabiaxxmoi

As PP said, I would just figure out the ordering deadline from DB and tell your BMs that. You already tried to schedule a trip together so I wouldn't do it again if you don't want to. You are free to tell them that if they want to schedule a trip together that works best for them you would be willing to come too if the scheduling works out, but if not, you trust them.

Setting an arbitrary deadline that isn't the order deadline helps no one out. It makes the girls possibly rush when they don't need to and possibly stress them out. And if they don't make the deadline, it stresses you out.
Yes, it is your wedding, but you have no right to manage your friends on such a close level. You can choose the dress they wear the day of your wedding, assuming it is in the agreed upon budget and every girl feels comfortable in it. The day of the wedding you also have the right to say "I'm sorry that you don't have the dress, but I'd love for you to still attend the wedding as my guest."
But before the actual day of your wedding, you do not have the right to say "you must spend your money on this arbitrary date that I picked for no other reason than my personal preference." It's just not a nice way to treat your friends. Your wedding is one day; it does not give you command over these girls for the six month span before that day.
Trust in them that they will get the dress. If they don't, they're out of the wedding party. It isn't worth stressing yourself out over or making them resent you for being a control freak. I'd just tell them DBs order deadline, step back, and let it go. You will all be happier for it.

I'm sorry you aren't enjoying the other areas of your wedding as well. But those who pay, say. If you want full control you need to pay for the wedding yourself. If that isn't an option... at least you are still getting a wonderful day where you marry your future husband, with many features that you do not need to spend your money on; you can save that money for future things like house/honeymoon/car/etc. This is not a bad deal at all!

Now... if you're fiance isn't helping you with things... that's a red flag. You need to talk to him about how you're feeling. This is his wedding too. If he's a good fiance/future husband, he will listen to his future wife's concerns and do his best to help.

And yeah... it's nice if the bridesmaids know each other and get along, but it isn't really necessary. BMs don't have any tasks that they need to work together on. They just need to show up on time to the wedding in the dress [regardless of when they bought it].
The other stuff... bach parties... showers... helping bride with planning/DIY projects... day-of wedding errands... None of that is required.
The wedding industry tries to make people think it is so it makes more money, but definitely not required. All of those things should be gifts, offered freely by whomever wishes to. If any of them offer any of that, then great! Hopefully they'll get to know each other in the process. If they don't, then no big deal. You'll still be married to your husband soon even if you get none of those extra gifts from your wedding party.
So definitely don't stress about your BMs getting to know each other. That's not something you need to worry about at all.

Good luck with everything!


ETA:
Oh... and as far as your friend flying... it's not up to you how to spend their money. And it's possible that they prioritized that trip above your BM dress.
I don't know the occasion, but maybe it was a trip she'd already had planned. Maybe it was to see family for an important event. Maybe it was to see friends she hadn't seen in a long time. Or maybe it was just some place she'd always wanted to go and she found a good price and time to do it.
It's like saying to someone... "Why haven't you bought the dress for my wedding yet? You paid your mortgage and that's way more than my dress. You had money for that, why not my dress instead?"
It's because:
mortgage > dress I'll only wear once in my whole life
Well there are lots of other things that could take the place of 'mortgage' in that scenario. Your wedding isn't as important to anyone else as it is to your and your fiance, so you have to be accepting of the fact that your friends might have higher priorities. And it isn't because they don't care about you and aren't still honored to be in you wedding; I'm sure they are. But they have their own lives too and it's important to remember that they don't just stop having them because you're getting married. (not saying you don't realize this. It's just something to consider again when taking the budget into consideration).

[Deleted User]

I believe that DB does have a lay away/payment program available if that will help make it easier for your girls.

abbyj700

*facepalm*

They know the dress, the place to buy it and when the wedding is. Let them be responsible for their own dresses. These women are grown adults. You or they can walk in and find out the last day the store thinks they should buy. That's the date. Not some date you just make up.

You saying they have to "work" together for your wedding is very telling of your attitude towards your bridesmaid. So is the fact that you're considering kicking them out because they won't buy a dress right when you tell them.

You have no clue when your friend paid for her trip. You also have no right to prioritize her spending. You need to be a better friend.

tara.c

Look, I think I get where you're coming from.  When you first start dreaming about your wedding, you imagine this beautiful bonding experience where your friends and family members are all every bit as excited about the wedding as you are, and all of your bridesmaids happily team up to make the experience as awesome as possible for you.  It's okay to want that.
However, you have to realize that 99% of the time, that will not be the reality.  Your bridesmaids are excited for you, sure, and they of course they want you to have a nice experience, but while your wedding is at very the top of your priority list, it's pretty low on their lists.  That's not because they're bad people or because they don't adore you; it's because they have lives of their own.  I promise, one day you will be in the same boat--your good friend will be getting married, and you'll be really excited for her, but it's still going to end up taking a backburner to your job, the vacation you've been planning with your husband, the new rug you've been eying for your living room, the funny sound your car has been making, and your latest interest in yoga (or photography, or pilates, or birdwatching, or whatever the heck else you come up with). At the end of the day, you'll probably want to devote as little time and money as possible to your role as a bridesmaid, simply because you've got other things happening that have way more of an impact on your own life.

As other posters have said, if they want to get together to try on dresses, let them plan it. You don't have to be there. You don't have to help coordinate. If they don't want to, they can go individually and get measured.  They don't have to order their dresses until the DB deadline. I know that puts a little bit of extra, unwanted stress on you, but just remind yourself that they're adults, and they can figure it out.

Yes, it would be great if they'd all three come together and make this like something out of the movies, but that's not real life.  They don't sound like bad friends at all; they're just people who have things going on that are more relevant to their own lives than your wedding.         

HisGirlFriday13

I was MOH in a friend's wedding. There were four BMs tital. Name of us knew each other. We still planned a kick-ass shower for the bride.

That was six years ago. I am not now friends with the other BMs and I'm not still friends with the bride, in part because she behaved much like you are behaving.

She micro-managed and was a control freak and was kind of a bitch. It cost her her friendships with all of us because of it.