Bridal Shower/Engagement Party?

hfox3953

So, I am working with my MOH to try and throw together a get-together essentially. My partner and I are having a kind of joint bridal shower, which is basically making it seem like the engagement party that we never had. We get married on 4/25/14 and we are wanting to try to do this on 2/23/14. However, we are paying for everything ourselves (wedding, rehearsal dinner, and even room and board for some family members). 

We thought about just getting everyone together for brunch at a local restaurant. Nothing big, 10 guests total. Are we required to pick up the tab on this meal? Or is it alright to basically tell everyone that we just want to have one big get-together before the wedding where we can spend time with those who are closest to us and let them pay for their own meals? 

JaxInBlue

Who would be hosting the proposed brunch get together?  Etiquette-wise, you and your partner should not be hosting any pre-wedding parties for yourselves, especially showers since they are gift giving events.  You can formally invite people to a brunch outside of anything related to your wedding - just a gathering of your close friends - and pay for it yourselves, but it can't be called a shower or an engagement party, or anything like that. 

If your MOH has offered you a shower, it's up to her to set the budget that will allow her (and any other hosts) to properly host the invited guests so that they do not have to pay.

IMO, the last option is to have casual gathering along the lines of telling the 8 people you want to join you "Partner and I are thinking about to going to brunch at X.  Is anyone else interested?" (or something similar).  I think something like this gives you latitude to make it a pay-your-own-way event, however your circle handles those types of things.  But again, it can't be in the context of your wedding and should be more like what happens when you get together socially with this group in an everyday setting.

JCbride2015

hfox3953 said:

So, I am working with my MOH to try and throw together a get-together essentially. My partner and I are having a kind of joint bridal shower, which is basically making it seem like the engagement party that we never had. We get married on 4/25/14 and we are wanting to try to do this on 2/23/14. However, we are paying for everything ourselves (wedding, rehearsal dinner, and even room and board for some family members). 

We thought about just getting everyone together for brunch at a local restaurant. Nothing big, 10 guests total. Are we required to pick up the tab on this meal? Or is it alright to basically tell everyone that we just want to have one big get-together before the wedding where we can spend time with those who are closest to us and let them pay for their own meals? 

Wow, this will not go over well.

Two major problems: 1) pre-wedding parties only happen if someone offers to host; you can't ask, and you can't host it yourself.  If nobody offers to host an engagement party or shower, then you don't have one.  The only way you have a shower is if MOH says, "hfox, I really want to host a shower for you.  What day works for you?" and then she hosts it herself.

2) You absolutely cannot invite people to a pre-wedding party, whatever you decide to call it*, and expect them to pay for themselves.  Ever.  Noooooooooo.  Just don't.

It sounds to me like MOH doesn't have the money to host this party and has asked you to help, and/or has asked if others can pay their own way.  If she can't fully host the party, or co-host it with other friends/family, then the party just doesn't happen.  I know it sort of sucks, but you can't throw your own e-party/shower, and you can't ask your guests to pay their own way.

Lots of people get married without pre-wedding parties.

ETA: *what @JaclyneD suggested is fine.  What you can't do is say, "we just want to have one big get-together before the wedding where we can spend time with those who are closest to us" and then expect them to pay.  If you want a casual get-together, you mention nothing about the wedding.

chibiyui

You really shouldn't host your own shower, or any other wedding related party that isn't the wedding.

If you want an informal get together, word it like @JaclyneD said, if your doing anything more formal then asking in person or Facebook, then you should properly host them and not make it about your wedding.

Blue_Bird

I'm so confused here.

If you want to hang out with your friends, that's fine. You don't have to pay for it. Just don't mention anything about your wedding as it should have nothing to do with your wedding.

If you're talking about an engagement party, that should be hosted by someone other than yourselves. However, it seems a bit much if you're to be married two months later. A bridal shower is a completely separate gift giving event hosted by someone else as well. You can't ask guests to pay or that either.

Basically, it looks like you're having a short engagement, and you're trying to fit everything in. Not everyone gets all the pre-wedding parties, even people with long engagements. That's o.k. If your maid of honor wants to throw you a bridal shower though, that's fine. She just has to pay for it herself.

Edited for clarity

hfox3953

Thank you guys. I appreciate the honesty. I thought it was going to be kind of strange to try and make this happen. Yes, my MOH really wants to be able to celebrate these kinds of things, but unfortunately my partner and I don't really have family so my MOH can't go to our parents for any sort of help. 

hfox3953

Blue_Bird said:

I'm so confused here. If you want to hang out with your friends, that's fine. You don't hsve to n pay for it. Just don't mention anything about your wedding as it should have nothing to do with your wedding. If you're talking about an engagement party, that should a) be hosted by someone other than yourselves. However, it seems a bit much if you're too be married two months later. A bridal shower is a completely separate gift giving event hosted by someone else as well. You can't ask guests to pay at either. Basically, it looks like you're having a short engagement, and you're trying to fit everything in. Not everyone gets all the pre wedding parties, even people with long engagements. That's o.k. If your maid of honor wants to throw you a bridal shower though, that's fine. She just has to pay for it herself.

Yeah, we're not having a short engagement, but no one has offered to throw anything until now. And unfortunately, her offer to "throw" us a party, didn't include paying for it. She said she thought that if we did something at a restaurant it would be okay for guests to show up and pay for their own meal. I thought this sounded off and decided to ask on here. 

JCbride2015

hfox3953 said:

Blue_Bird said:

I'm so confused here. If you want to hang out with your friends, that's fine. You don't hsve to n pay for it. Just don't mention anything about your wedding as it should have nothing to do with your wedding. If you're talking about an engagement party, that should a) be hosted by someone other than yourselves. However, it seems a bit much if you're too be married two months later. A bridal shower is a completely separate gift giving event hosted by someone else as well. You can't ask guests to pay at either. Basically, it looks like you're having a short engagement, and you're trying to fit everything in. Not everyone gets all the pre wedding parties, even people with long engagements. That's o.k. If your maid of honor wants to throw you a bridal shower though, that's fine. She just has to pay for it herself.

Yeah, we're not having a short engagement, but no one has offered to throw anything until now. And unfortunately, her offer to "throw" us a party, didn't include paying for it. She said she thought that if we did something at a restaurant it would be okay for guests to show up and pay for their own meal. I thought this sounded off and decided to ask on here. 

Yeah you were right to ask.  If she wants to "throw" it, the party needs to be properly hosted which means guests don't pay for stuff.  It's okay to have a casual non-wedding-related brunch and not host it, but it can't also be a shower.

Blue_Bird

hfox3953 said:

Blue_Bird said:

I'm so confused here. If you want to hang out with your friends, that's fine. You don't hsve to n pay for it. Just don't mention anything about your wedding as it should have nothing to do with your wedding. If you're talking about an engagement party, that should a) be hosted by someone other than yourselves. However, it seems a bit much if you're too be married two months later. A bridal shower is a completely separate gift giving event hosted by someone else as well. You can't ask guests to pay at either. Basically, it looks like you're having a short engagement, and you're trying to fit everything in. Not everyone gets all the pre wedding parties, even people with long engagements. That's o.k. If your maid of honor wants to throw you a bridal shower though, that's fine. She just has to pay for it herself.

Yeah, we're not having a short engagement, but no one has offered to throw anything until now. And unfortunately, her offer to "throw" us a party, didn't include paying for it. She said she thought that if we did something at a restaurant it would be okay for guests to show up and pay for their own meal. I thought this sounded off and decided to ask on here. 

Bah! LOL, hfox, I was quoted before I could fix my atrocious mobile mistakes! Yeah, I understand. I think it's odd that your MOH offered, but didn't offer to pay (maybe this is a generational thing). I assumed it was a short engagement because you want an engagement party of sorts next month (you said you didn't get to have one), and are getting married in April (congrats, by the way!). I think you should definitely have the get together with your friends. It will be nice to relax and just hang out. Think about something other than wedding plans, and enjoy the people you care about.

It's definitely good that you asked though, because the original plan would be very rude. Just thank her, and say you're going to skip the party.