Bridesmaids duties

Lamiavita

I'm seeing everywhere that a bridesmaids duties are to get the agreed dress (in the lowest budget) and show up happy and sober on the day.

The general feeling seems to be that if a bridesmaid doesn't get her dress on time, she's taken herself out of the wedding.

Why is this?
Something comes up that means a bridesmaid can't get X dress... Surely it's better she's there in anything she can get hold of, than removed from the wedding?

For example: a bridesmaid comes to you and says she's just found out she'll be heavily pregnant by the wedding date.
The cute little knee-length dress we've agreed on is NOT going to work.
Isn't it better to have her there in sweats, comfortable, happy, and supportive, than to have her removed from the wedding?

artbyallie

I agree with your proposed scenario, but obviously it is an exception. Although SIL was 6 months pregnant in my wedding and still got a dress within the original parameters given (any blue knee-length) and was fine.

And granted, this is not something that will come up often, but if a bridesmaid simply procrastinates on ordering until it is too late or for whatever reason chooses not to purchase the dress after agreeing to do so... well, would you really still show up expecting to be in the wedding no matter what you're wearing after that? I would think in such a case the bridesmaid would not want to be there, hence purposefully not buying the dress.

Blue_Bird

Lamiavita said:

I'm seeing everywhere that a bridesmaids duties are to get the agreed dress (in the lowest budget) and show up happy and sober on the day.

The general feeling seems to be that if a bridesmaid doesn't get her dress on time, she's taken herself out of the wedding.

Why is this?
Something comes up that means a bridesmaid can't get X dress... Surely it's better she's there in anything she can get hold of, than removed from the wedding?

For example: a bridesmaid comes to you and says she's just found out she'll be heavily pregnant by the wedding date.
The cute little knee-length dress we've agreed on is NOT going to work.
Isn't it better to have her there in sweats, comfortable, happy, and supportive, than to have her removed from the wedding?

Lol, I think sweats is a bit extreme, but yes, I agree with you. I wouldn't assume that my bridesmaid had "taken herself out of the wedding" simply because she failed to get the uniform on time. It's far more important to me that she be there. Things happen, but in general, since this is the only thing they are really required to do, I think people really mean that it's a small task that can be managed by anyone. If they don't, they probably don't want to do it.

crunchymamaof2

I think things are being take far to literally. Of course if something happens that causes the bridesmaid to be unable to get the correct dress no one is saying to kick her out. No one is saying that the bride should ever kick a bridesmaid out, unless they're okay with ending the entire friendship of course. But if a wedding party member purposefully doesn't get their attire they have taken themselves out of the wedding.

 

And, just to add, the example really shouldn't happen. Wedding parties shouldn't be asked until a year out or less. So either said bridesmaid would already know she's pregnant or would find out before having to by the dress. Just being a pain ;-)

AddieCake

scribe95 said:

The issue is WHY she didn't get the dress. Pregnancy and loss of jobs etc can and should be dealt with. But just being lazy and forgetful and generally not trying? Not sure why a bride should have to just accept that and let her wear whatever she wants.

This. So much this. 

dramamonkey

And taken themselves out of the wedding party =/= kicked out of the wedding.

If a BM didn't buy the dress, they should still receive an invite....it's still an honor to be a guest too you know...

grumbledore

OP, I agree with you. I'd have my BMs standing next to me no matter what they showed up wearing. I love them.

Amyzen83

OP, I think the point peeps are referring to are when bridesmaids are purposely taking their sweet time in ordering their gown, because of laziness, aren't into it whatever. Honestly I think that's rude not just to the bride but to the other bridesmaids who have already paid for and ordered there gown. Most boutiques where I live won't even submit the orders until ALL of the bridesmaids have ordered their gowns and sometime's it's not even guaranteed that the gown will still be available after the order has been placed after waiting too long for flakey bridesmaid to order.

However with Murphy's law, shit happens! My MOH had more than enough money when she told me her budget and luckily all of my bridesmaids agreed on the same dress. Almost all of my bridesmaids had gotten measured and paid for their gowns, but for some reason she still hadn't and she had shared that some personal stuff was going on (definitely more important than my wedding) and it was sucking her financially dry. This was well before the cut off to order the gowns. She told me that she'd still be able to participate as a maid of honor because her boyfriend would help her out and make sure of it. I told her that I understand and that when she does have the money we'd figure something out. I got pissed that the boutique was just waiting on all of the girls and hadn't submitted the order because of one bridesmaid who is having financial difficulty. I called them and told them, that I couldn't give two shits if all of the dresses were cut from the exact same fabric if the difference isn't even that noticeable, and to just go ahead to place the order without my friend, besides she's my maid of honor so she can look different than the others. It would be far better and easier if worse case scenario we had to find a different dress for her rather than hounding her for her money. Thankfully in the end everything worked out, she managed to pull together the money before the dress deadline and ordered it separately, and she was appreciative of my understanding of her situation. She would have still been my MOH if she couldn't get that particular gown, we would have just had to find an alternative dress.

Now if friend was a flake and being rude and unresponsive and I felt our friendship wasn't what it was, and if I had asked about the status of her order, and she blew me off, I would have told the boutique to proceed with the order without said bridesmaid. I would have assumed that bridesmaid had taken herself out of the bridal party and I would still invite her as a guest regardless, and possibly include her in the pre wedding activities depending on if we were still on friendly terms.

Jen4948

I think it depends on the bridesmaid's attitude too.

If she seems regretful about not getting the dress, it makes sense for her to continue to be a bridesmaid, or even just a guest, if she can attend the wedding.

But if she gets defensive, hostile, or evasive about her reasons, that suggests that she doesn't value her friendship with the bride.

phira

I don't even think it's that the "rule" takes into account WHY a bridesmaid doesn't get her dress on time.

So many times, brides get very upset when they ask someone to be a bridesmaid and find that their expectations of their loved one do not match up with reality. The general "rule" that the bridesmaid just has to show up, sober, in the dress the bride picked is a way of saying, "When you ask Mindy to be your bridesmaid, here's what you've actually asked her to do."

Then, when Mindy ends up not helping plan the bachelorette party, or doesn't come over at 3 am to help you finish making napkin rings, or can't make it to the cake tasting, you're not seething because she was SUPPOSED to do all these things when she agreed to be your bridesmaid.

The whole, "She's gotta buy the dress" part of the rule is more like ... one of the unspoken-but-almost-always-true-unless-stated-otherwise rules of being in the wedding party is that you agree to wear the dress or suit/tux that you're asked to wear, and that you pay for it (and, of course, the latter assumes that the outfit fits into the budget you agreed on). So that means when you ask Mindy to be your bridesmaid, it's reasonable to expect that she knows she's agreeing to purchase and wear the dress of your choosing.

So, Mindy is pregnant and the dress you originally picked out isn't gonna fit? This isn't her refusing to purchase and wear the dress of your choosing--she CAN'T wear the dress you picked. So you just have to pick something else. And honestly, if you're a bride who would be totes cool with a preggo bridesmaid wearing sweatpants to your wedding (we exist! I'm one of those brides), then that works. Otherwise, there are some very nice maternity bridesmaids dresses available through Alfred Angelo or (I'm pretty sure) David's Bridal.

Lamiavita

Well that makes a lot more sense, so thank you for the clarification

It's not a problem for me personally. I haven't chosen my wedding party yet (well, obviously I "know" who I'm going to ask, but, they don't), and when I do I plan on telling the girls to wear any dress in red.

It's just nice to see it's not actually ALL about the dress.

banana468

It's not ALL about the dress but the PPs pretty much covered it.

The only other issue I can think of is the one of another poster who has a sister who purposely purchased a dress in the wrong color so she will look different and more "MOH-like".   At that point, the BM is making the choice to deviate from the bride's desires and making the event about HER.   That's just not cool. 

doeydo

I agree with PPs that certain circumstances (not laziness or whatever) excuse a BM from 'getting the agreed upon dress' thing.  However, if the BM got pregnant, I would be happy for her and try to find another dress for her to wear for the wedding.