Don't tell people they aren't invited....

Kauris

This is kind of a piggyback on the thread that has a new "trend" to send an announcement to people that are not invited to your wedding. Here is how you are making them feel if you do this:

I received a call from a girlfriend this morning, she wanted to know if she was overreacting... Her friend from college, we'll call her A had sent my friend, we'll call her B, a text telling B she couldn't afford to invite B to A's wedding. Okay. My friend B was confused and hurt. Then to make it even worse, A asked if B would still like to go to A's bachelorette and bridal shower. B wanted to know if she was wrong to be offended. I told her that A was in the wrong for both offenses. 

So ladies, if you're reading, DON'T tell people they are not invited. Just don't send the person an invitation. If they are hurt, they may approach you about it, they are then in the wrong. And especially, do not invite people to pre-wedding activities if they are not invited to the wedding. It looks gift grabby and it is terribly hurtful. My friend doesn't know if she wants to continue the friendship. Is a coffee maker really worth a friendship? I hope not.

Jen4948

I disagree slightly.

I do agree that wedding talk should be minimized in the presence or hearing of someone who isn't invited in order to reduce the possibility that they will get their expectations up, but sometimes, even in the best of situations, they may still find out about the wedding and still get the idea that they are invited even though they are not.  And I would not tell anyone who doesn't bring up the issue first that they are not invited.

But sometimes, you have to be direct and let people know that they're not invited in order for them to get the message.  Not sending them an invitation, especially if they're related to or otherwise close to, people who do get invitations, just makes them think that one is coming for them that may have gotten lost in the mail.  Saying nothing just builds up these people's expectations.  It's better to make it clear that they're not invited.

phira

I think the only reason to tell someone that they are not invited is when the person has explicitly assumes they are not invited. That means if you have a friend or family member from out of town who is not invited, and you hear they're booking their flight to your wedding, you need to call them and clear up the confusion.

However, the situation the OP presents sounds more like A just out of the blue called B and was like, "Hey, so you're not invited to our wedding ... sorry about that, ya know, money and stuff ... anyway, I'd love if you could still come to the bachelorette party and shower! Hope that's okay!"

HisGirlFriday13

Ditto @phira. I had to tell several people they weren't invited AFTER they started sending me their address 'for invites' or asking who else was coming so they could carpool or share a room.

If someone is rude enough to (a) assume they're invited and (b) ask about the wedding and their invite when they haven't gotten one, they deserve to have some hurt feelings.

But in this case, OP, your friend A is being needlessly rude and B had every right to be hurt and offended. If I were B, I'd decline everything wedding-related and distance myself from this girl.

Amyzen83

Ouch! What a hurtful conversation! Especially if friend B wasn't expecting to be invited anyway. If I were friend B, that would be a friendship ending move right there, especially when I originally thought my friend was just calling me to see how I was doing. I'd end the friendship right then and there, and make it clear, that I didn't care originally whether I was invited or not, but the fact she went out of her way to tell me I wasn't invited, and to addd salt to the wound, still wants me to spend money on her???? SOD off you gift grabby leach!

Kauris

This girl went out of her way, without prompting, to tell my friend she wasn't invited. So, yes ladies, you are correct. I understand explaining to people when they ask, but like I said before, then they are in the wrong for asking. I told her the reason I feel comfortable talking with her about our wedding is because she and her S.O. are invited.

And no, she told me she wasn't expecting an invitation, thus the confusion.

Edited for clarity.

jenna8984

I definitely have aunts who live in the area who called or emailed me asking all wedding details. I simply replied to them "at this point we're keeping it to parents, grandparents, and some close friends". 

But my aunts who live across the country haven't asked and probably don't expect an invite so I'm definitely not saying anything to them. 

Kerigirl9

Ok, so similar situation. I was in a band for 10 years (I quit when I moved 3 hours away). I'm still close with all of the band members and plan to invite two of the three of them to the wedding with their wives. I was in a serious relationship with the third band member for over three years and I won't be inviting him as FI has respectfully requested that no former boyfriends attend the wedding. I have no problem fulfilling this request. 

 My concern, though, is that band member number three is going to be hurt when he does not receive an invite. He will assume that if the other two are invited that he will be too. Same rules as above apply? Just don't address it unless he does? I feel as though if I explain it he will understand but if I don't that he'll have hurt feelings.

SBmini

OMG- she TEXTED a girl that she wasn't invited then asked her to spend money on her at two parties thrown in her honor? If I were B I would take this as a sign that A is not a good person and run very far away.

HisGirlFriday13

Kerigirl9 said:

Ok, so similar situation. I was in a band for 10 years (I quit when I moved 3 hours away). I'm still close with all of the band members and plan to invite two of the three of them to the wedding with their wives. I was in a serious relationship with the third band member for over three years and I won't be inviting him as FI has respectfully requested that no former boyfriends attend the wedding. I have no problem fulfilling this request. 

 My concern, though, is that band member number three is going to be hurt when he does not receive an invite. He will assume that if the other two are invited that he will be too. Same rules as above apply? Just don't address it unless he does? I feel as though if I explain it he will understand but if I don't that he'll have hurt feelings.

I would say same rules apply. Don't bring it up unless he does. He might be smart enough to figure out that he's not going to get invites to his ex-GF's wedding, because it's really not an unusual situation. DH and I had the same rule; no exes invited. Lots of people do that at weddings.