Deferring to the Maid of Honour

yellowdaisies84

Hi all:

I'm co-hosting a bridal shower with my fellow bridesmaids. I know that usually the Maid of Honour takes the lead in planning and organizing, but when she didn't get the ball rolling I checked in with everyone just to get things started. She gave me the impression that she was going to get things started but I just beat her to the punch and that she didn't want me to take over so I apologized and tried to respectfully 'step aside' so she can take over. I got a phone call from the bride after a few days to let me know that the shower was going to be held at my place. Yes, I know that it is a bit strange that I found that out from the bride but anyways, that's what happened. I waited for half a week but didn't hear anything from the Maid of Honour or the other bridesmaids so I got in touch with them again. If you're wondering why I did that instead of waiting for the MOH to take the lead it is because I actually live in a condo building and need to rent the party room- even though we have lots of time before the shower I wanted to firm up our dates so that I could rent it before another tenant booked it and it became unavailable- and also, if you're wondering why I was so concerned about that- it is because the brides mother (who is my mother-in-law) is flying in internationally and already booked her travels and also because at the time of year that we are having the shower there are lots of weekends on either side that don't work well for everyone- easter, holiday weekends, etc. so there are only one or two weekends that work well and I wanted to make sure that we don't miss out on getting the party room for one of those dates. 

So I got in touch with everyone again and just said that the bride had told me that the shower was going to be at my place- is that okay with everyone and should we do Saturday or Sunday? I heard back from everyone to do Sunday, then a bridesmaid changed her mind and suggested Saturday and everyone agreed with her except for the MOH who never responded. So I waited another half a week- still no response from her. So I sent her a message to see if she had seen the suggestion and to ask how she felt about it. 

She's okay with the suggestion, but her comments to me seemed clear that she was annoyed once again that I was taking over and that she thought she'd have more time to plan things/get things started. She just seemed plain annoyed with me. I'd been all the messages on Facebook and she said that wasn't a good way for her to communicate and she's sorry she isn't moving fast enough. Now I feel bad.

Now that I have a date I can book the party room and definitely 'step back' again and let her take the lead that I know she wants to take- and honestly I don't mind at all, it's nice that this isn't primarily my responsibility- but it is going to be here at my place and I am one of those people who loves entertaining and putting together nice parties and bridal showers so here, finally, is my question for you: Should I not try to take charge of anything again and let her decide what gets done and when OR should I leave it with her to a certain point and then if she hasn't got the ball rolling on something is it appropriate for me to take the lead on planning again and if so, when is that point? (The shower is early May.)

I feel so bad if I've upset or annoyed the MOH and it's pretty clear that I have from her message. We also talked on the phone earlier and she made it clear that she wished I would have waited for her to get the ball rolling. I guess I need to just go with the flow from here on out and wait for her to let me know what she needs help with? To be honest, I think I would have stayed completely out of it if I didn't have the fact that it's at my party room to consider. It made me worry about settling on a date and booking the room, especially for my MIL's sake. I kind of regret it now, though. Maybe I shouldn't have done anything yet. Oops. She seems like a super-organized awesome planner person but she has been slow to get back to messages or make phone calls she has said she would make and it's maybe my bad that I didn't give her more time before I said something. 

Jen4948

The MOH does not have to be the one to "take the lead."  There is no "obligation" on the part of any member of the wedding party to do anymore than get the designated outfits and show up on time and in good spirits.

If you want to do anything for the bride, like throw a shower or bachelorette party, feel free to be the one to "take the lead."

HisGirlFriday13

It seems like the MOH thinks this is her job but doesn't actually want to plan it. Ask her for her phone number, call her and talk this out. If she doesn't want to plan that's OK, but she can't not plan and also prevent you from planning.

yellowdaisies84

Jen4948 said:

The MOH does not have to be the one to "take the lead."  There is no "obligation" on the part of any member of the wedding party to do anymore than get the designated outfits and show up on time and in good spirits.

If you want to do anything for the bride, like throw a shower or bachelorette party, feel free to be the one to "take the lead."

I did start initially by talking to the rest of the bridesmaids/MOH and asking if any of them were interested and able to co-host a shower- it was a yes all around. 

huskypuppy14

yellowdaisies84 said:

Hi all:

I'm co-hosting a bridal shower with my fellow bridesmaids. I know that usually the Maid of Honour takes the lead in planning and organizing, but when she didn't get the ball rolling I checked in with everyone just to get things started. She gave me the impression that she was going to get things started but I just beat her to the punch and that she didn't want me to take over so I apologized and tried to respectfully 'step aside' so she can take over. I got a phone call from the bride after a few days to let me know that the shower was going to be held at my place. Yes, I know that it is a bit strange that I found that out from the bride but anyways, that's what happened. I waited for half a week but didn't hear anything from the Maid of Honour or the other bridesmaids so I got in touch with them again. If you're wondering why I did that instead of waiting for the MOH to take the lead it is because I actually live in a condo building and need to rent the party room- even though we have lots of time before the shower I wanted to firm up our dates so that I could rent it before another tenant booked it and it became unavailable- and also, if you're wondering why I was so concerned about that- it is because the brides mother (who is my mother-in-law) is flying in internationally and already booked her travels and also because at the time of year that we are having the shower there are lots of weekends on either side that don't work well for everyone- easter, holiday weekends, etc. so there are only one or two weekends that work well and I wanted to make sure that we don't miss out on getting the party room for one of those dates. 

So I got in touch with everyone again and just said that the bride had told me that the shower was going to be at my place- is that okay with everyone and should we do Saturday or Sunday? I heard back from everyone to do Sunday, then a bridesmaid changed her mind and suggested Saturday and everyone agreed with her except for the MOH who never responded. So I waited another half a week- still no response from her. So I sent her a message to see if she had seen the suggestion and to ask how she felt about it. 

She's okay with the suggestion, but her comments to me seemed clear that she was annoyed once again that I was taking over and that she thought she'd have more time to plan things/get things started. She just seemed plain annoyed with me. I'd been all the messages on Facebook and she said that wasn't a good way for her to communicate and she's sorry she isn't moving fast enough. Now I feel bad.

Now that I have a date I can book the party room and definitely 'step back' again and let her take the lead that I know she wants to take- and honestly I don't mind at all, it's nice that this isn't primarily my responsibility- but it is going to be here at my place and I am one of those people who loves entertaining and putting together nice parties and bridal showers so here, finally, is my question for you: Should I not try to take charge of anything again and let her decide what gets done and when OR should I leave it with her to a certain point and then if she hasn't got the ball rolling on something is it appropriate for me to take the lead on planning again and if so, when is that point? (The shower is early May.)

I feel so bad if I've upset or annoyed the MOH and it's pretty clear that I have from her message. We also talked on the phone earlier and she made it clear that she wished I would have waited for her to get the ball rolling. I guess I need to just go with the flow from here on out and wait for her to let me know what she needs help with? To be honest, I think I would have stayed completely out of it if I didn't have the fact that it's at my party room to consider. It made me worry about settling on a date and booking the room, especially for my MIL's sake. I kind of regret it now, though. Maybe I shouldn't have done anything yet. Oops. She seems like a super-organized awesome planner person but she has been slow to get back to messages or make phone calls she has said she would make and it's maybe my bad that I didn't give her more time before I said something. 

Anyone can throw a shower. Now, in my circle it's usually the MOH, so maybe she feels obligated? The thing that doesn't make any sense is why is the bride telling you that her shower is at your place. Was this discussed with you before? I find this really inappropriate.  First of all,  MOH or one of the other bridesmaids should have asked you. And if someone is going to host something at your place, you need to be involved. When was she going to tell you?  What if by the time she got around to telling you, it's already booked.

Obviously, you want your friend (the bride) to have a lovely shower. So don't worry about the MOH and do what you have to do. It's not about the MOH it's about your friend, and if MOH is mad, that's her problem.

Jen4948

yellowdaisies84 said:

Jen4948 said:

The MOH does not have to be the one to "take the lead."  There is no "obligation" on the part of any member of the wedding party to do anymore than get the designated outfits and show up on time and in good spirits.

If you want to do anything for the bride, like throw a shower or bachelorette party, feel free to be the one to "take the lead."

I did start initially by talking to the rest of the bridesmaids/MOH and asking if any of them were interested and able to co-host a shower- it was a yes all around. 

Okay, but again, there's no rule that says that you have to defer to the MOH.  You can be the one who initiates the planning for a get-together.  Yeah, I would get annoyed at the kind of head-gaming that the MOH seems to be giving you too.  But you can tell her, "We waited for your input, but unfortunately, the venue comes with a window of time that's about to expire.  When we didn't hear from you in time, we had to move and lock it down.  If you want us to wait for you, we need you to let us know that directly rather than complain after the fact."

yellowdaisies84

Anyone can throw a shower. Now, in my circle it's usually the MOH, so maybe she feels obligated? The thing that doesn't make any sense is why is the bride telling you that her shower is at your place. Was this discussed with you before? I find this really inappropriate.  First of all,  MOH or one of the other bridesmaids should have asked you. And if someone is going to host something at your place, you need to be involved. When was she going to tell you?  What if by the time she got around to telling you, it's already booked.

Obviously, you want your friend (the bride) to have a lovely shower. So don't worry about the MOH and do what you have to do. It's not about the MOH it's about your friend, and if MOH is mad, that's her problem.

Sorry I didn't explain that I actually initially did make the offer to the bride and to the rest of the bridal party that I could host at my place and book the party room. At first that was put on the back-burner because someone else had offered to have it at her house and that was our Plan A so the MOH said she would talk to that person and then let me know. Then a few days later the bride called me and said we were going to have it at my party room. I didn't ask her why, because I figured that the other hostess changed her mind when she found out that the guest list is fairly large and that my party room was an alternative to having the big group in her house. I don't know, though, I'm honestly guessing. I thought I'd hear from the MOH after but as I said, I didn't. So I still don't know exactly what happened. The MOH also said that she'd take over everything from me including call the MOB (my mother-in-law) but my MIL said that the MOH never did call her- which surprises me because she sounded so certain that she would and I should leave everything to her. I'm thinking maybe she still planned on it but didn't see the rush and is now annoyed that I'm rushing things along again. I'm a big early-planner and can be very over-organized and I don't want to annoy her with those tendencies! I just got married last year and I didn't get a bridal shower which is totally fine- I don't have sour grapes- but it does make me want to make it a really special event and make it nice for everyone involved. I just don't want to create stress and drama for myself or the bride or anyone else. The MOH was a tiny bit snarky though and I have been really nice and respectful although possibly annoying. Sigh. 

Jen4948

Unfortunately, even though you don't want to create stress and drama, it's being created for you, and your not wanting to add to it might be too nice of you.

So I think you need to set some boundaries with the bride, the MOH, and the other bridesmaids: "I can do X, Y, and Z.  I can contribute up to $A for X, $B for Y, and $C for Z.  I will need such-and-such amount of advance time in order to do each one.  I cannot do D, E, or F" and so on, and stand your ground if you get asked to do or contribute anything that's outside those boundaries, regardless of who asks for what.

yellowdaisies84

Jen4948, that is actually very inspiring! 

lyndausvi

I really don't have much advice.  Just wanted to comment that my sister is just like you.  A big early planner.  I'm the complete opposite.     Her planning drives me f'n batty.   On the flip side my lack of urgency drives her batty.

It's doubtful I would plan more than the date and maybe the venue 5 months out.    I would also be slightly annoyed at some else jumping and rushing things along (not once but twice) when it seems to have been established I was to "take the lead".  (note I dont' think MOH's duties are to take the lead, just think in this case she was to be the "leader").      

Can I ask why after you never called her about the date when there was no response?  I thought it was common knowledge that FB messages are some of the worse forms of communication since some people are not on FB as often as others.  A simple phone call saying "hey I heard from the bride that I should check into the room at the condo.  Since the room books up quickly and MIL already has travel plans I think it would be a good idea to lock down a date soon". Instead you come across leaving the MOH out of the plans altogether by using a form of communication she doesn't seem to use.  I don't blame her for being annoyed.

Look, your heart is in the right spot, but you are just a little too eager.   Just take a step back and realize that even if it's not moving as fast as you want doesn't mean nothing is getting done.

It's nice the bride has a friend who is so eager to throw a shower for them.   You just need to work on your communications with others a little more.

aurorajanette

lyndausvi said:

I really don't have much advice.  Just wanted to comment that my sister is just like you.  A big early planner.  I'm the complete the opposite.     Her planning drives me f'n batty.   On the flip side my lack of urgency drives her batty.

It's doubtful I would plan more than the date and maybe the venue 5 months out.    I would also be slightly annoyed at some else jumping and rushing things along (not once but twice) when it seems to have been established I was to "take the lead".  (note I dont' think MOH's duties are to take the lead, just think in this case she was to be the "leader").      

Can I ask why after you never called her about the date when there was no response?  I thought it was common knowledge that FB messages are some of the worse forms of communication since some people are not on FB as often as others.  A simple phone call saying "hey I heard from the bride that I should check into the room at the condo.  Since the room books up quickly and MIL already has travel plans I think it would be a good idea to lock down a date soon". Instead you come across leaving the MOH out of the plans altogether by using a form of communication she doesn't seem to use.  I don't blame her for being annoyed.

Look, your heart is in the right spot, but you are just a little too eager.   Just take a step back and realize that even if it's not moving as fast as you want doesn't mean nothing is getting done.

It's nice the bride has a friend who is so eager to throw a shower for them.   You just need to work on your communications with others a little more.

I agree with this line of thinking.

You sound like me, a super-planner. The MOH sounds like she's probably just a little more relaxed in her planning.  The shower is five months away! You booked the venue, which was the one time-sensitive issue, and now you should be able to relax a bit.

The holidays just passed, and I'm sure the MOH probably had obligations she was tending to during that time. You also don't know what else is going on in her life that would have hindered her ability to communicate with you. You already said that you finally called her, and I would stick to that form of communication, since it doesn't seem like the FB communication was reaching her in a timely manner.

I know it sucks that she seems annoyed about this, but look at it like this: sometimes if I'm planning to do something and haven't quite gotten around to it yet, and someone else jumps in and is like, "I've got this!", it can be a little irritating and embarrassing. I'm not saying that you did the wrong thing at all, since anyone who wants to host is welcome to. But this is how it may have been taken by the MOH.

I also agree with what Jen said. Going forward I would say something like, "I will take care of A, B, and C, if someone else can handle X, Y, and Z."

yellowdaisies84

Thank you ladies.