Destination... kids???

jandr450

We are planning a small destination wedding. More of a destination for his family than mine, but still involves travel for everyone. We were struggling to come up with something that is intimate, but without having to exclude our entire families. We finally found a great location in a place that is special to us. We can't have more than 50 people, which is fine because it forces us to keep it small. We listed everyone out including kids and grandparents and we are over 50.  We don't think that every single person will come, but to be careful, we put feelers out to gauge interest before we spend the money to book. Well naturally everyone is excited, and so far, every person that we have asked has said that they would plan on coming!

Here is my question - if we realize that we would be over 50, would it be out of line to make the event an adults only affair and/or take out "plus ones" for single guests? After we have already put feelers out there? We have been pretty clear that we are tight on numbers and we are only gauging interest to see if we can actually make this happen. I don't want to make any enemies here - all the kids are on his side of the family - but I think they should understand as long as we explain it to them. I love the little ones and if we can have them, then I would prefer that.  But on the other hand, we do want it to be low key and intimate so I can see the upside to an event without babies or strangers, if we are forced to go that route.

Any thoughts are appreciated!

OliveOilsMom

jandr450 said:

We are planning a small destination wedding. More of a destination for his family than mine, but still involves travel for everyone. We were struggling to come up with something that is intimate, but without having to exclude our entire families. We finally found a great location in a place that is special to us. We can't have more than 50 people, which is fine because it forces us to keep it small. We listed everyone out including kids and grandparents and we are over 50.  We don't think that every single person will come, but to be careful, we put feelers out to gauge interest before we spend the money to book. Well naturally everyone is excited, and so far, every person that we have asked has said that they would plan on coming!

Here is my question - if we realize that we would be over 50, would it be out of line to make the event an adults only affair and/or take out "plus ones" for single guests? After we have already put feelers out there? We have been pretty clear that we are tight on numbers and we are only gauging interest to see if we can actually make this happen. I don't want to make any enemies here - all the kids are on his side of the family - but I think they should understand as long as we explain it to them. I love the little ones and if we can have them, then I would prefer that.  But on the other hand, we do want it to be low key and intimate so I can see the upside to an event without babies or strangers, if we are forced to go that route.

Any thoughts are appreciated!

It is perfectly acceptable to have a kids free event.  The only kids invited to our wedding were my niece and nephews.  Just be prepared that for people who need to travel to your wedding and can't bring their kids - may decline your invitation.  

It is also perfectly acceptable to give truly single guests no plus one.  But remember anyone who considers themselves in a relationship, should have their SO invited by name on the invitation.  And it would be best to plan your wedding thinking that all your truly single guests will have a bf/gf by the time your invitations go out, so you don't get stuck later.  It is also considerate that if you have a truly single guest, who won't know anyone else at your wedding to give them a plus one.

What you should do is decide with your FI (and anyone else who is paying for the wedding) what to do in terms of the kids.  If he really wants the kids to attend, then maybe it would be best to find a new venue.

kmmssg

I think what will bite you in the left cheek is that you have put out feelers to people to see if they would come to a certain location.  You can't turn around and still choose that location and then tell some of those people they aren't invited.

I am all for a no kid wedding.  When  you have a DW it makes it incredibly hard for people with children to attend.  Do you know what it costs to arrange childcare for a few days?  Some people do have family members who will pitch in, but not everyone does.  I have 6 grandkids and my girls know that I am not a built in babysitter just because they were invited to a no kid wedding.  

I think your heart was in the right place when you put out feelers to see who would be interested, but if you didn't make it clear that you were asking about a no kid event I am thinking you are going to have a number of families who would have given  you a different answer if they had known.  (holy run on sentence).  

Are the people with kids on your VIP list - like siblings or very very best BFF's?  You may have to rethink if you want this location or these people at your wedding.  Again, there is nothing wrong with an adult only event, but you didn't present it that way when you opened the discussion.

You and FI will need to decide if you are cool with people not being able to attend because of the no kid policy.  If you are good with it and you aren't starting a 20 year war in the family then rock on.  

thisismynickname2

Is the "destination" kid friendly to begin with, or would a lot of extra effort be involved to accommodate them?
For examples' sake, I know a couple that planned a wedding in Jamaica. In deciding between Sandals or Beaches, they chose Beaches so people could bring kids. Then, no one brought kids anyway.

I'd also say this is a "know your audience" situation.

jessicabessica

I agree with @kmmssg.  If you put out feelers on this location, you can't really not invite some of the people you asked, which includes the kids if you implied that the whole family would be when you asked the parents.  

kmmssg

OP - if you can give us some more details we might be able to offer up some suggestions.

Jen4948

As long as adult guests in relationships are invited with their SOs, you do not have to invite kids or give truly single guests +1s.  That's not an issue of etiquette.

Whether or not the invited parents of uninvited kids are okay about not being able to bring their kids to your wedding is a relationship issue.  I do agree with @kmmssg that it's not polite to put out feelers to people about your wedding and then not follow through with an invitation.

AddieCake

Agree with kmmssg. I would be really hurt if I had been reached out to, said it was cool, and then my kids were not invited. Had you told me up front that might be the case, then I'd be be ok with it b/c I would have known in advance that you were trying to figure out those kinds of details. I would also be totally ok with it if my kids were simply not invited and I'd not been contacted prior. Nothing wrong with not inviting kids or not giving true singles +1s. 

WinstonsGirl

Normally, I'd say go with a kid-free wedding, but DW's make it a bit harder.  We had several friends who couldn't make it cos they couldn't afford to travel with their 2 kids as well, and they weren't able/willing to leave them alone at home with family for a week of vacation.  I actually wanted a kid-free wedding, but figured it wasn't fair to ask people to travel without their kids.  Several did bring their kids and we of course invited them to the wedding.  But having a kid-free wedding means people may choose to not attend at all over a local wedding.  Not sure if that all made sense.  

As for SO's/plus 1's, anyone who is truly single doesn't require a plus 1 (though it is often nice to have someone to travel with).  Anyone who considers themselves to have a SO (boy/girlfriend, fiancé/e. spouse, etc.) must be invited with that SO.  

jandr450

Our "feelers" did not specify whether kids would actually be invited or not.  It was a very informal thing mentioned in passing through email... "hey would you be interested..."  So as not to put people on the spot.  In sitting down to make our list, my fiance and I automatically counted the kids, to be safe. But we did not mention kids when we were seeing if people would be interested in traveling.

I should have clarified this.  Unfortunately, because our families are so spread out, and because the location has a max, we couldn't avoid throwing the possibility out there for people.  Not ideal, but I thought it was better than just assuming.  Ultimately, family IS more important than the venue. I just wanted to see if we could swing it.  We love it, it's special to us, and we want a small wedding anyway.  But I will go with something else if I need to.

The people with kids on the list are cousins.  The location is in northern Michigan and I suppose is kid "friendly."  It is on the lake and there are a few pools, so kids would need to be watched pretty carefully.  It's a beach/ski resort so I think it's conducive to bringing children.  We don't have any friends invited because we feel that family really is more important.  If we have room, we will ask some.

How far in advance should you require an RSVP?  I have a friend who had a destination wedding and she had an RSVP attached to her save the date (email).  I thought it was weird at the time, but now I can see why she did it.

TerriHugg

@Jandr450 We invited kids to our DW. However, no one brought their kids. Everyone either found other arrangements for their kids or just didn't show up. 

However, we did give everyone a plus one. Because people were traveling out of country for us, we wanted single guests to feel comfortable. Even with giving everyone who was single the option to bring a guest, there were still a few people who opted to travel alone. 

I said all of that just because it's hard to gage attendance based on initial feelers. A lot of people who said they would come ending up backing out a month before the wedding. We also had relatives book literally one week before the wedding. 

Also are you sure you can't have more than 50 people. From planning my own wedding, I know that some hotels have packages for a certain amount of people and then anything more than that would have to be paid for a la carte. For example, my resorts ceremony package included about 20 chairs for free. Because we had more than 20 people come we had to pay for each extra seat. The same applied for the cocktail hour, etc. 

So it may be possible that resort does allow more than 50 people.

WinstonsGirl

jandr450 said:

How far in advance should you require an RSVP?  I have a friend who had a destination wedding and she had an RSVP attached to her save the date (email).  I thought it was weird at the time, but now I can see why she did it.

We asked for our RSVP about 3 weeks before the wedding, since we needed to get the numbers to the caterer a week before, I believe.  We sent out invited about 10 weeks in advance, since half of them were going to Chile.  We pretty much knew who was going before this anyway, since people had told us they had booked flights and hotels, but there were a couple of surprises to come too

Viczaesar

jandr450 said:

Our "feelers" did not specify whether kids would actually be invited or not.  It was a very informal thing mentioned in passing through email... "hey would you be interested..."  So as not to put people on the spot.  In sitting down to make our list, my fiance and I automatically counted the kids, to be safe. But we did not mention kids when we were seeing if people would be interested in traveling.

I should have clarified this.  Unfortunately, because our families are so spread out, and because the location has a max, we couldn't avoid throwing the possibility out there for people.  Not ideal, but I thought it was better than just assuming.  Ultimately, family IS more important than the venue. I just wanted to see if we could swing it.  We love it, it's special to us, and we want a small wedding anyway.  But I will go with something else if I need to.

The people with kids on the list are cousins.  The location is in northern Michigan and I suppose is kid "friendly."  It is on the lake and there are a few pools, so kids would need to be watched pretty carefully.  It's a beach/ski resort so I think it's conducive to bringing children.  We don't have any friends invited because we feel that family really is more important.  If we have room, we will ask some.

How far in advance should you require an RSVP?  I have a friend who had a destination wedding and she had an RSVP attached to her save the date (email).  I thought it was weird at the time, but now I can see why she did it.

Invitations should be sent 6-8 weeks before the wedding, and your RSVP date should be roughly a week before you have to have your final numbers in (preferably no more than 4 weeks before the wedding at the earliest).  Asking people to RSVP to an STD is inappropriate.

You are perfectly within your rights to not invite children or plus ones (for truly single people).  However, you need to keep in mind that for a destination wedding some people will not be either able or willing to come if their children aren't invited to the wedding itself.  You said that the children are on his side of the family and that it's mostly a destination wedding for his side of the family as well.  You need to decide whether their attendance at your wedding is or is not more important than not inviting children.  Also keep in mind any family attitudes toward children at wedding, and ask your FI what he wants to do as it primarily affects his side of the family.  Either decision is fine, etiquette-wise.

00kim00

One thing to think about with the kids is to check how your venue counts them. Our venue told us that essentially children 6 and under are "free". They don't count in the total per-guest cost and eat free. Our venue also includes lodging for 30 people, and as long as the children are small enough not to take up their own bed (think infants and toddlers at least, but we're going to check with all of our guests what their preferred sleeping arrangements are before we assign cabins), they don't count towards that count, either. So it might be worth looking into with your potential venue.