How to change your MOH once it's been said...

effiechristina

So....growing up, until we were teenagers, my sister and I were relatively close...then once I got my first job at 17 (she was 15) I started getting friends and she got her own friends and we kinda grew apart. Now we are complete opposites. I still love her because, well she's my sister, and we have so much history, but just being around her for more than 30 minutes and usually something she does annoys the hell outta me.

I was trying really hard to work on our relationship after 2 years of just not trying at all, and so I made mention of her being my MOH the day after I got engaged, since then I had one phone conversation with her when I said that I didn't care what my fiance said she could still be in the wedding and my MOH (long story there but basically she did something which really pissed him off, I think he overreacted not wanting her in the wedding anymore, but she definitely was in the wrong also). So she thinks its a set done deal, but I've been trying to plan everything and think about things, and I realize that when I'm thinking about planning girls days to visit venues or bridal shows or looking at dresses, I would almost always choose some of my friends to invite over her. She means well, and she's really good at planning/organizing things, but only on her time schedule. She is very, very dramatic, and always tries for the shock value (over the top, risque clothing, bright makeup, hooker heels etc.) while I am 100% opposite in style. I think she would be able to put aside her styles to help me plan for what I like, but I'm worried about the drama, we always seem to get in fights if we're around each other for more than an hour interacting, and I'm going to have to spend entire days with her! I would be totally fine with her being a BM alone, but is it wrong of me to want to reserve the MOH position for, well someone I would feel more comfortable with?

I should also mention that the last time we actually talked, she said that she didn't think my FI and I should get married. So I also don't want my MOH to not like my FI. I should also say that my FI and I have been together for 2.5 years, and the rest of my family loves him, so it's not that I am marrying an unlikeable asshole.

Viczaesar

effiechristina said:

So....growing up, until we were teenagers, my sister and I were relatively close...then once I got my first job at 17 (she was 15) I started getting friends and she got her own friends and we kinda grew apart. Now we are complete opposites. I still love her because, well she's my sister, and we have so much history, but just being around her for more than 30 minutes and usually something she does annoys the hell outta me.

I was trying really hard to work on our relationship after 2 years of just not trying at all, and so I made mention of her being my MOH the day after I got engaged, since then I had one phone conversation with her when I said that I didn't care what my fiance said she could still be in the wedding and my MOH (long story there but basically she did something which really pissed him off, I think he overreacted not wanting her in the wedding anymore, but she definitely was in the wrong also). So she thinks its a set done deal, but I've been trying to plan everything and think about things, and I realize that when I'm thinking about planning girls days to visit venues or bridal shows or looking at dresses, I would almost always choose some of my friends to invite over her. She means well, and she's really good at planning/organizing things, but only on her time schedule. She is very, very dramatic, and always tries for the shock value (over the top, risque clothing, bright makeup, hooker heels etc.) while I am 100% opposite in style. I think she would be able to put aside her styles to help me plan for what I like, but I'm worried about the drama, we always seem to get in fights if we're around each other for more than an hour interacting, and I'm going to have to spend entire days with her! I would be totally fine with her being a BM alone, but is it wrong of me to want to reserve the MOH position for, well someone I would feel more comfortable with?

I should also mention that the last time we actually talked, she said that she didn't think my FI and I should get married. So I also don't want my MOH to not like my FI. I should also say that my FI and I have been together for 2.5 years, and the rest of my family loves him, so it's not that I am marrying an unlikeable asshole.

Two things.  One, you've already told her she's your MOH, so she's your MOH.  It would be horribly rude and frankly a really bad idea to try to kick her out, considering that she's your sister.

Two, MOH is a honor position - you give it to the person with whom you're closest.  It has absolutely nothing to do with planning and/or throwing parties.  Nobody is obligated to help you plan your wedding, and nobody is obligated to throw you parties.  If you think your friends will be happy to help you with planning stuff great, ask them!  If you think asking your sister would cause problems then easy solution, don't ask her. 

OliveOilsMom

Ditto Vic.

And your FI doesn't get a say in your WP.  Just like you don't get a say in his.  He was wrong to say your sister is out of the WP. 

And get it out of your head that your MOH needs to help plan your wedding.  The person who needs to help you plan your wedding is ther person you are marrying.

If you are afraid of your sister's clothing choices, then tell ask for her dress budget privately, then pick a dress in her price range that is appropriate for you wedding and give her the dress details.  If she doesn't buy the proper dress, she has taken herself out of the wedding.

Lastly, you will ruin any relationship you have left with your sister if you kick her out of the WP or her position as MOH.  There really is nothing she needs to do except show up at the wedding with her dress on, and ready to smile for pictures.  She is an MOH, so you could add holding your bouquet and signing the license as a responsibility, but anything more than that is an extra bonus.

AddieCake

It's just a title. It's not like she DOES anything more important than anybody else in the wedding party. Leave it alone and move on with life. 

MyNameIsNot

OliveOilsMom said:

Ditto Vic.

And your FI doesn't get a say in your WP.  Just like you don't get a say in his.  He was wrong to say your sister is out of the WP. 

And get it out of your head that your MOH needs to help plan your wedding.  The person who needs to help you plan your wedding is ther person you are marrying.

If you are afraid of your sister's clothing choices, then tell ask for her dress budget privately, then pick a dress in her price range that is appropriate for you wedding and give her the dress details.  If she doesn't buy the proper dress, she has taken herself out of the wedding.

Lastly, you will ruin any relationship you have left with your sister if you kick her out of the WP or her position as MOH.  There really is nothing she needs to do except show up at the wedding with her dress on, and ready to smile for pictures.  She is an MOH, so you could add holding your bouquet and signing the license as a responsibility, but anything more than that is an extra bonus.

This, especially the bolded.  Kicking her out or "demoting her" is one of the nastiest things you can do.  You would ruin your relationship with her, and you would probably get most of your family on her side.  

Her job as MOH is to stand next to you and smile on the wedding day.  It is not to go to bridal shows and help you plan.  The person who should be helping you plan is your FI.  A friend can go with you if she volunteers, but expecting that this is what your WP will do is just setting yourself up for disappointment.  

hikebikebemerry

I love my sister dearly, but would tell her to buzz off if she wanted me to take that much time to go to venues, go to wedding shows, plan things, and essentially feel like I'm at her beck and call for the duration of her wedding planning.  I'm not sure what you expect out of your relationship with your sister, because sisters fight (I don't know any sisters who don't sometimes get on each others nerves).  My sister and I had a period where we had a hard time not arguing, but we got over it, because we both matured and realized that it was more important to have a relationship with each other than it was to argue over little things.

May I ask, how old are you?  I know a lot of people who come to terms with their siblings as they age.  Also- consider talking with your sister about her life, what she's doing, what you're doing, etc.; just don't talk about the wedding/ how magical your relationship is.  I say this because I was single when my sister got engaged, and as excited as I was for her, I *really* didn't want to hear her talk about lovely dovey shit.  It just wasn't where my brain was at that point in my life.  In addition, after my sister got engaged, I kept getting the, "now we just need to find you a guy!".  It was incredibly annoying.

"Demoting" her  is a pretty nasty move.  Your other friends can be excited for you, but at the end of the day, you asked your sister to be your MOH.

Also, you and your FI are responsible for planning your wedding/ going to venues/ etc., that is NOT the "responsibility" of  the MOH.

jneen101

effiechristina said:

 I realize that when I'm thinking about planning girls days to visit venues or bridal shows or looking at dresses, I would almost always choose some of my friends to invite over her.

 I'm going to have to spend entire days with her! I would be totally fine with her being a BM alone, but is it wrong of me to want to reserve the MOH position for, well someone I would feel more comfortable with?

1.  You can bring whoever you want to venues, bridal shows, and dress appointments.

2.  If you don't want to spend "entire days" with her, you certainly don't have to.  Just spend the wedding day with her?  How many days is your wedding?

Jen4948

The only duties your sister would have as your MOH is to obtain the specified outfit and show up on time in it on your wedding day in good spirits.  She does not have to go dress shopping with you or otherwise plan anything with you or for you.

It's not up to your FI who is in your side of the wedding party, just like it's not up to you who is on his. 

effiechristina

Thanks for all the info on MOH duties etc. I had no idea who gets what responsibilities. My FI works 7 days a week in the oilfield so I guess I was just assuming from the beginning he wouldn't be available for really any planning etc. I will be starting grad school 9 months before the wedding, at a school 2 hours away from my hometown where the entire wedding will be, so I already know I will be relying on my mother for a lot of help. The wedding will only be one day, so no it won't be a problem to get along for that day I wouldn't think. I have probably been overthinking this whole thing, and I should just not worry about it so much and leave it as is. My sister is in a relationship also, but she has stated multiple times that she is only in it until she finds something better, so it is possible she could be trying to deal with that as well. Thank you all for the perspective on things, I don't talk to many people (I also work in an oilfield job where I deal with roughnecks all day), and often times my only problem is I need to talk things out before I come to a realization.

hikebikebemerry

@effiechristina We're here if you have questions! Or just want to talk about weddingy things!!!  My advice is to try to find a venue that does all of the nitty-gritty for you, if you can- some even come with a wedding planner/ doc!  If it's in your budget, definitely go for it.  My FI and I have pretty nutty schedules, and our wedding is 2.5 hours away- and we don't have any family in the immediate vicinity- so choosing a full service venue was the best for our sanity.. plus we're saving $$ by doing it this way.

Sisters can be difficult, but all you can do is shake your head and keep loving them

antoto

Both of my sisters are my MOHs.  Sisters fight a ton, but we will also be there for each other long after your friends will.  I don't know you, but I have a good feeling you will be happy you kept her as a MOH many years from now.

Feel free to take whoever you want to planning activities.  Sometimes I took my MOH, sometimes my mother, sometimes my fiance, sometimes I just went by myself!