"I do not think that word means what you think it means."

HisGirlFriday13

So, a co-worker of mine just texted me (from the other room), "Yet another guy told me I'm not good enough. I'm so over this." Then she sent me a screen-grab of their conversation. 

Uhm.....no. What he said was, "Your really hot, but any future hook-ups have to be canned. Im talkin to a girl n I dont wanna mess it up."

Those two statements aren't the same. If you've been nothing but a booty call to him, and you've never asked him for anything other than a booty call, you can't claim he's mis-treating you by looking for a relationship somewhere else.

JCbride2015

Extra points for The Princess Bride reference.

HisGirlFriday13

Is there a nice way to say, "If you want to keep getting what you’ve been getting – treated like crap, purely physical relationships, men who only want sex – keep doing what you’re doing, but if you want a relationship, close your legs, use your brain, and stop being so easy?”

Because, as much as I like this co-worker (we're friends outside of work) she meets guys online and sleeps with them on the first date, and then gets hurt/offended when they either don't call or only call for a booty call. 

bethsmiles

I have a friend who does this. She is basically a booty call and never asks to be more, then another girl comes along who does and she is confused about why guys A - Z never did that for her - and both I and my SO have tried to talk to her. She just gets defensive and pissed off.

Honestly, I doubt there is anything you can say but you can always try. Maybe she just needs some blunt honesty from a friend.

HisGirlFriday13

bethsmiles said:

I have a friend who does this. She is basically a booty call and never asks to be more, then another girl comes along who does and she is confused about why guys A - Z never did that for her - and both I and my SO have tried to talk to her. She just gets defensive and pissed off.

Honestly, I doubt there is anything you can say but you can always try. Maybe she just needs some blunt honesty from a friend.

Deep down, I think you're right on all counts. I don't think it'll do any good short-term, but I think it might do some good long-term.

In the meantime, she is just mentally exhausting, to the point that I leave work and NEED my 35-minute commute to just relax from her (I am a huge introvert anyway).

She also needs some basic lessons in tact. The most recent guy...or one of them...whom she met for the first time Friday night (and slept with), asked her afterwards about it, and she straight-up said, "I gotta tell you...usually I have multiple orgasms. Tonight I didn't even have one good one. #honest." She then told him she thought it was due to the size of his penis, and when he got offended, she said (to me), "He's hormonal like a preggers chick and has big biceps. I'm thinking 'roids."

Uhm...I'm thinking he's defensive because you insulted his manhood and his sexuality, but maybe that's just me.

bethsmiles

HisGirlFriday13 said:

bethsmiles said:

I have a friend who does this. She is basically a booty call and never asks to be more, then another girl comes along who does and she is confused about why guys A - Z never did that for her - and both I and my SO have tried to talk to her. She just gets defensive and pissed off.

Honestly, I doubt there is anything you can say but you can always try. Maybe she just needs some blunt honesty from a friend.

Deep down, I think you're right on all counts. I don't think it'll do any good short-term, but I think it might do some good long-term.

In the meantime, she is just mentally exhausting, to the point that I leave work and NEED my 35-minute commute to just relax from her (I am a huge introvert anyway).

She also needs some basic lessons in tact. The most recent guy...or one of them...whom she met for the first time Friday night (and slept with), asked her afterwards about it, and she straight-up said, "I gotta tell you...usually I have multiple orgasms. Tonight I didn't even have one good one. #honest." She then told him she thought it was due to the size of his penis, and when he got offended, she said (to me), "He's hormonal like a preggers chick and has big biceps. I'm thinking 'roids."

Uhm...I'm thinking he's defensive because you insulted his manhood and his sexuality, but maybe that's just me.

What the hell was she thinking? Is she really that clueless?

bride2b71614

I think we all have that one friend who is unable to discern the difference between a booty call and a relationship...That being said, OP your coworker sounds like she thinks having sex on the first date is the best way to get into a relationship with someone. I get your frustration, booty calls are a type of relationship, and probably not the kind she wants. There is no nice way to say  "If you want to keep getting what you’ve been getting – treated like crap, purely physical relationships, men who only want sex – keep doing what you’re doing, but if you want a relationship, close your legs, use your brain, and stop being so easy..."  but if  you wanted to get the message across, you could come from a standpoint of concern. Since she is meeting men online and jumping into bed with them on their initial meeting, I would come from a place saying that I was worried about her safety. Specifically about how some of the sexual things she tends to say could give off the wrong impression and could potentially place her in danger if a person is unhinged. Whether or not she chooses to avoid having sex with these people, maybe pointing out her behavior could help? It won't get her a relationship, but she might reflect on how she's coming across. 

jenna8984

Yeeeeaaa....my best friend (god love her) got into a relationship 6 months ago with a guy who told her from day 1 that he never wants marriage or children. Now she's they type who has fawned over those since she was 20 and has stated several times she will have a baby on her at age 30 (she's now 28). She said whatever, threw caution to the wind and started dating him anyways. 6 months go by, she falls in love, and he just broke up with her because he doesn't see it ever working since he doesn't want those things in life.

I think he obviously did the right thing and better now than let it go on for 4 years. She is so pissed ranting about what a jerk he is and she did so much for him and she did everything right and how dare he break her heart. Like I feel for her because she's my best friend but I'm like really dude he told you from day 1 his intentions and YOU still let yourself get into the relationship so whose fault is it really?

But your work sounds very entertaining between miss booty call and mrs duped 20 year old into marriage hahahah

misscoffeeplease

I'm the kind of person who is really blunt and tells it like it is. Your co-worker reminds me of my friend who got SO defensive and pissed off when I told her that her ex-fiance/baby-daddy isn't going to get back with you. Such a long story but I won't go too much into details about it. 

Does your co-worker not have any respect for herself? =/

pinkcow13

That's really sad. Idk that there is anyway to make her change her ways, she is going to have to learn from this and figure this out no her own. But like a PP said, I would be concerned about the way she meets these guys, and express that to her. One of these days she might meet the wrong guy, and things will end up worse than she could have imagined. Craigslist killer anyone?

JennyColada

I feel like there's a lot of slut shaming going on in this topic and it makes me sad.

Your friend is obviously not getting what she wants, but do keep in mind that plenty of people do. At the risk of an over share, I've had sex on the first date with a large amount of guys that I've met online: I've been in year-long+ relationships with many and am engaged to one.

So it's not necessarily the actions themselves that are the issue, but it's more of an issue with her (as in, she's not making the right actions FOR HER), the guys, and maybe a combination of all of the above.

People need to make their own mistakes.

HisGirlFriday13

Jennycolada said:

I feel like there's a lot of slut shaming going on in this topic and it makes me sad.

Your friend is obviously not getting what she wants, but do keep in mind that plenty of people do. At the risk of an over share, I've had sex on the first date with a large amount of guys that I've met online: I've been in year-long+ relationships with many and am engaged to one.

So it's not necessarily the actions themselves that are the issue, but it's more of an issue with her (as in, she's not making the right actions FOR HER), the guys, and maybe a combination of all of the above.

People need to make their own mistakes.

I'm trying really hard not to slut-shame, because it's not the sex that bothers me. It's the sex with people she's just met whom she met online that worries me. I don't care that she's having sex, I care that she's being stupid about her safety.

And I also care that she seems to male the same mistakes over and over again despite getting hurt over and over again.

Don't tell guys you want a relationship, then agree to be a booty call, and then get hurt when they don't want a relationship. Conversely, don't tell a guy you don't want a relationship and then be hurt when he pursues one with someone else.

chibiyui

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I feel like there's a lot of slut shaming going on in this topic and it makes me sad. Your friend is obviously not getting what she wants, but do keep in mind that plenty of people do. At the risk of an over share, I've had sex on the first date with a large amount of guys that I've met online: I've been in year-long+ relationships with many and am engaged to one. So it's not necessarily the actions themselves that are the issue, but it's more of an issue with her (as in, she's not making the right actions FOR HER), the guys, and maybe a combination of all of the above. People need to make their own mistakes.

I'm trying really hard not to slut-shame, because it's not the sex that bothers me. It's the sex with people she's just met whom she met online that worries me. I don't care that she's having sex, I care that she's being stupid about her safety. And I also care that she seems to male the same mistakes over and over again despite getting hurt over and over again. Don't tell guys you want a relationship, then agree to be a booty call, and then get hurt when they don't want a relationship. Conversely, don't tell a guy you don't want a relationship and then be hurt when he pursues one with someone else.

I'm just going to be a bit of a Debbie Downer and point out that as women, we are considerably more likely to be assaulted by a family member or someone we know/are friends with then a random on the internet.

Also, when I was dating, and pretty much all of those came from online, my mom expressed concern over my safety. I asked if she would prefer me to meet men the traditional way, drunk in a bar. She calmed down a bit after that. 

HisGirlFriday13

Agreed on the first part, and she's done the second part, too, which ALSO worries me.

chibiyui

HisGirlFriday13

Yeah. Again, I'm not judging the frequency of sex or the timing, I just want her to be safe, and to stop making alcohol-fuelled decisions in bars.

JennyColada

I understand where you're coming from. It's hard and painful to watch someone we care about make decisions that are wrong for them. It makes us feel helpless.

Maybe ask her what she wants from these men? Encourage her to get in touch with her wants and feelings and to accurately communicate those with her partners.

HisGirlFriday13

Jennycolada said:

I understand where you're coming from. It's hard and painful to watch someone we care about make decisions that are wrong for them. It makes us feel helpless. Maybe ask her what she wants from these men? Encourage her to get in touch with her wants and feelings and to accurately communicate those with her partners.

I've tried that. The problem is she either says she wants something and then doesn't follow through (i.e., "I want a man who wants me for something other than a physical relationship, so I'm going to going to sleep with him right away," and then she sleeps with him on the first date after a few drinks) or she says she wants something and then changes her mind (i.e., "I'm only interested in a booty call with this guy, nothing more, he's not my type," and then getting upset when he does want a relationship and seeks one somewhere else.)

So I think she needs some alone time to figure out what she really wants, and a better way to go about getting there.

JennyColada

HisGirlFriday13 said:

So I think she needs some alone time to figure out what she really wants, and a better way to go about getting there.

Definitely.

As I said before, people need to make their own mistakes. She needs to figure out how to be HER and how being HER can get her what she wants.

Life is a difficult game and it doesn't come with any rulebooks. There are so many little things that affect our relationships and our happiness. I wish that I had something more that I could say to offer you advice for her, but really, she needs to make her own choices and learn how those choices affect her. Some people never learn it, and end up going through life unhappy and in bad relationships. Some of us learn it a little bit sooner and more quickly than others.