Bridal Shower Tensions

AbbieCakes

My sister is my Maid of Honor and my best friend is my Matron of Honor, and they've started a Facebook discussion between themselves and the other bridesmaids to discuss planning a bridal shower for me and my fiance. A little background: my sister is unemployed, does not have a driver's license, and lives about an hour away from our location with her fiance. My best friend and her husband both have decent jobs, but both are paying back heavy student loans and are expecting a baby (6 weeks before the wedding!), and also lives an hour away. However, for two of my other bridesmaids, money isn't a huge concern. My last bridesmaid works part-time and is preparing to go to law school in the fall. 

My sister, best friend, and I are all more accustomed to simple, homemade bridal showers, and so is the last bridesmaid. The one of the two bridesmaids (who are each other's best friends) who think nothing of elaborate, catered showers, has been proposing very expensive ideas for the shower. Its gotten to the point of it being overbearing for my MOHs and my last bridesmaid. My sister feels like this girl is trying to take over all of the planning, and doesn't get that not everyone is flush with cash. I'm not involved with the messaging, so I don't know exactly what all is being said, but my sister is very frustrated with all of it. The particular bridesmaid has done event planning on a college level before and works for a marketing department at a university now. 

I'm not sure how to proceed with this. Do I contact the bridesmaid and let her know that some of the other girls have shared some cost concerns with me? Do I let them sort it out? 

Maggie0829

If a bridal shower is in the works then everyone involved in the planning should have discussed budgets as well as provided what they feel comfortable giving.

If this girl wants to throw a lavish party then that is fine but she should in no way expect others to pay for more then they can afford or are comfortable with.

banana468

If you're asked for input you can say,"I love and appreciate a thing you ladies do. Please only do what you're comfortable doing. "

Other than that I'd stay out of it.

aurianna

I'd suggest your sister you give her advice something like this:
"I'm grateful for anything and only want people spending what they can afford. I suggest you tell the others your budget or what else you plan on contributing and encourage others to give theirs and work within those means. Be firm and only offer what you can afford and only pay what you offered. But I should probably not get involved. Thank you so much for the time you've already put into this. Oh! have you tried this bean dip?"

And then run away. Run far away and let them settle it.

KatWAG

I would stay out of this. You are not hostign it so you dont really get much of a say. You MOHs just need to say " I am willing to contribute X to the bridal shower." What your MOHs contribute doesnt have to be cash either. they could bake cookies or DIY some favors.

ei34

I was my sister's MOH this past summer, and sometimes it was tough getting her 6 bridesmaids (with their various ideas and budgets) to agree on one thing.  But it was doable.  I kept my sister out of the planning, and I don't think you should worry about how to step in.  They'll settle it.

MyNameIsNot

If your sister is bringing this to you, tell her to stand up for herself and her budget and that you are going to stay out of it.  Then stay out of it.  

OliveOilsMom

AbbieCakes said:

My sister is my Maid of Honor and my best friend is my Matron of Honor, and they've started a Facebook discussion between themselves and the other bridesmaids to discuss planning a bridal shower for me and my fiance. A little background: my sister is unemployed, does not have a driver's license, and lives about an hour away from our location with her fiance. My best friend and her husband both have decent jobs, but both are paying back heavy student loans and are expecting a baby (6 weeks before the wedding!), and also lives an hour away. However, for two of my other bridesmaids, money isn't a huge concern. My last bridesmaid works part-time and is preparing to go to law school in the fall. 

My sister, best friend, and I are all more accustomed to simple, homemade bridal showers, and so is the last bridesmaid. The one of the two bridesmaids (who are each other's best friends) who think nothing of elaborate, catered showers, has been proposing very expensive ideas for the shower. Its gotten to the point of it being overbearing for my MOHs and my last bridesmaid. My sister feels like this girl is trying to take over all of the planning, and doesn't get that not everyone is flush with cash. I'm not involved with the messaging, so I don't know exactly what all is being said, but my sister is very frustrated with all of it. The particular bridesmaid has done event planning on a college level before and works for a marketing department at a university now. 

I'm not sure how to proceed with this. Do I contact the bridesmaid and let her know that some of the other girls have shared some cost concerns with me? Do I let them sort it out? 

I would suggest to your sister, that if she is comfortable, to state to everyone else what budget she is comfortable spending on the shower.  This may encourage others to state what they are comfortable spending as well.  Do not speak with this other BM.  You should encourage anyone who is having a problem with this one BM, to just reply to the group that "while her idea is great, its just not financially feasible for me".

I learned a valuable lesson while as a BM in a wedding.  The MOB took over planning everything.  None of us BMs knew how to tell her no or give her a budget.  I even offered to bake the cake for the shower to save some money and she seemed offended by the offer. (I have experience in baking large cakes too!)  She also needed things to look as expensive as possible, because she always had to impress her family, well this cost came trickling down.  That wedding taught me a valuable lesson, to stick up for myself financially!  I did this in the next wedding I was a BM in and I'm doing it again now as a BM in my friends wedding.  I want to give my friends everything they deserve, but I know that they wouldn't want me to break the bank doing it.

csuave

I agree with @OliveOilsMom and @aurianna.

The last wedding I was in MOH and I were on the same wavelength about being budget minded and making food ourselves for the shower and bachelorette party.  It never occured to us to bring up budgets in the email planning chain.  Then we had a situation where a BM bought a ton of food (on top of the food that was already planned for) without telling anyone.  MOH felt like she needed to give BM reimbursement for a portion of the food and it really stressed her out since it was an unplanned expense.

Now that I am on TK and have read about discussing budgets it seems like a no brainer.  But we didn't know it then and I'm sure a lot of bridal parties don't know it is OK to put budgeting and contributions out there in black and white before money starts being spent.

I also agree that after suggesting your sister bring up budgets you should stay out of it.

jenna8984

My sister kept saying her wedding was going to be in 2 years, then out the blue one day she changed her mind and booked it 6 months out. I had a ton of medical bills and was not prepared to be paying for anything wedding related, but I couldn't exactly opt out of my own sister's wedding. So I ponied up for the dress. But when her best friends started FB messaging me about planning the shower, my first response to them was "At this time, I'm able to contribute $100 towards the shower. I am happy to help out with whatever you decide as long you understand that I will only be contributing that amount." I wanted a simple make our own food at someone's house but they insisted on a fancy restaurant. It worked out fine because I showed up and gave her a check for my $100 and that was it. I think they spent a little more but that was their decision. Tell your MOHs and to do just this. Don't say anything to the other BM's who want to spend more.

tigersgirlgv

csuave said:

I agree with @OliveOilsMom and @aurianna.

The last wedding I was in MOH and I were on the same wavelength about being budget minded and making food ourselves for the shower and bachelorette party.  It never occured to us to bring up budgets in the email planning chain.  Then we had a situation where a BM bought a ton of food (on top of the food that was already planned for) without telling anyone.  MOH felt like she needed to give BM reimbursement for a portion of the food and it really stressed her out since it was an unplanned expense.

Now that I am on TK and have read about discussing budgets it seems like a no brainer.  But we didn't know it then and I'm sure a lot of bridal parties don't know it is OK to put budgeting and contributions out there in black and white before money starts being spent.

I also agree that after suggesting your sister bring up budgets you should stay out of it.

Amen! When I was planning my sister's shower I never thought to set a budget for myself (or ask the other girls' theirs). I ended up spending more than I would have liked. It was an amazing shower, but I wish I would have settled the budget ahead of time. 

I am an BM in another wedding and gave the first-time MOH this shower planning advice, "I know it feels awkward, but ask for everyone's budget right away. Here's one less awkward e-mail you have to write, I can contribute $X."