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Was I supposed to be told how she felt?

hi there ! i'll introduce myself by saying I'm the bride.... and my wedding planning has been going pretty smoothly up until today.... so, my fiance and I decided we wouldnt have children invited to the wedding - both his nephew and my niece (3 yrs old each) are the ring bearer and flower girl, but their day will be over after the ceremony.... so, there aren't any exceptions... our venue is overlooking a river and so part of the decision of the no children reception was due to the potential of having kids run on the pier, push each other, hit each other, scream, yell, whatever... and we just wanted all our guests to have a nice "date night" and let loose rather than them worry and US since we're responsible for the goings-on at the venue ultimately as the parties under contract.. in any case, i have 3 cousins who are left with "who will watch the children?"... if both them and their respective spouses come to the reception... so one of my cousins asks me to lunch and very nicely tells me that they've thought long and hard as to how they can come up with a solution to this ? and it seems, well, they can't.. therefore, as of now, they will not be attending the reception - not only that, but they can't very well not attend the reception and leave their daughter (a bridesmaid - she's 19) to attend the reception on her own... (her grandparents - my aunt and uncle are attending the reception)... not to mention her brother(my other cousin and uncle to this specific bridesmaid who is my goddaughter) is also invited and i would assume he will be there.... after telling me about her dilemma and how she can't leave other 2 children with anyone she said she's giving me a heads up as to what the other 2 cousins are thinking of doing and they will possibly show up the day of with their children - she at least, felt she was being more respectful by being upfront with me and coming to me with the situation now... so, my question is - though i understand children can be a touchy subject - i'm getting married later in life (all their children are 11+), so they didnt have to face this sitaution when they were getting married - so why should i? because it's 10 years later and they have children now? and am i supposed to be the one responsible for coming up with a solution as to what to do with their children? both my matron and maid of honor have children and neither one has brought up this issue - they automatically found their own sitters and havent even brought it up in my last 4 months of planning... uughhh... frustrated... !

Re: Was I supposed to be told how she felt?

  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Wait , her 19 year old legal adult daughter is a BM but she won't let her adult daughter attend the reception? She's kinda controlling.

    That said, breaking up families can be a very touchy subject, and is best avoided. I can understand being upset that two children aren't invited when the other two are.
    image



    Anniversary
  • It's fine to have an adult reception.

    1) If the decision to not have the FG and RD at the reception was made by anyone other than their parents then that wax a very rude thing to do. Children shouldn't be asked to attend the wedding but be showed the door after the ceremony unless their parents want it that way.

    2) I'm curious, what was your cutoff?
    MyNameIsNotBlue_Birdantoto
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    You're not letting your RB or FG come to the reception?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited January 2014
     
    Alexa0405 said:
    hi there ! i'll introduce myself by saying I'm the bride.... and my wedding planning has been going pretty smoothly up until today.... so, my fiance and I decided we wouldnt have children invited to the wedding - both his nephew and my niece (3 yrs old each) are the ring bearer and flower girl, but their day will be over after the ceremony.... so, there aren't any exceptions... our venue is overlooking a river and so part of the decision of the no children reception was due to the potential of having kids run on the pier, push each other, hit each other, scream, yell, whatever... and we just wanted all our guests to have a nice "date night" and let loose rather than them worry and US since we're responsible for the goings-on at the venue ultimately as the parties under contract.. in any case, i have 3 cousins who are left with "who will watch the children?"... if both them and their respective spouses come to the reception... so one of my cousins asks me to lunch and very nicely tells me that they've thought long and hard as to how they can come up with a solution to this ? and it seems, well, they can't.. therefore, as of now, they will not be attending the reception - not only that, but they can't very well not attend the reception and leave their daughter (a bridesmaid - she's 19) to attend the reception on her own... (her grandparents - my aunt and uncle are attending the reception)... not to mention her brother(my other cousin and uncle to this specific bridesmaid who is my goddaughter) is also invited and i would assume he will be there.... after telling me about her dilemma and how she can't leave other 2 children with anyone she said she's giving me a heads up as to what the other 2 cousins are thinking of doing and they will possibly show up the day of with their children - she at least, felt she was being more respectful by being upfront with me and coming to me with the situation now... so, my question is - though i understand children can be a touchy subject - i'm getting married later in life (all their children are 11+), so they didnt have to face this sitaution when they were getting married - so why should i? because it's 10 years later and they have children now? and am i supposed to be the one responsible for coming up with a solution as to what to do with their children? both my matron and maid of honor have children and neither one has brought up this issue - they automatically found their own sitters and havent even brought it up in my last 4 months of planning... uughhh... frustrated... !


    First, please read the 1000 posts on the kids/ no kids debate. This has been discussed to death

    Second, you are wrong to invite your neice and nephew to the ceremony, use them as props and send them home. Sicne they are in the wedding party, they need to be invited to the reception. It is their parents choice whether or not they attend.

    Third, I think you were wrong to split up families. And you are putting your BM's parents in a really awkward situation.

    It is your choice to have a no kid wedding. And it is completely fine to do so, but often times there is backlash.

    BabyFruit Ticker
    antotoHisGirlFriday13shann106RebeccaB88
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    Alexa0405 said:
    hi there ! i'll introduce myself by saying I'm the bride.... and my wedding planning has been going pretty smoothly up until today.... so, my fiance and I decided we wouldnt have children invited to the wedding - both his nephew and my niece (3 yrs old each) are the ring bearer and flower girl, but their day will be over after the ceremony.... so, there aren't any exceptions... our venue is overlooking a river and so part of the decision of the no children reception was due to the potential of having kids run on the pier, push each other, hit each other, scream, yell, whatever... and we just wanted all our guests to have a nice "date night" and let loose rather than them worry and US since we're responsible for the goings-on at the venue ultimately as the parties under contract.. in any case, i have 3 cousins who are left with "who will watch the children?"... if both them and their respective spouses come to the reception... so one of my cousins asks me to lunch and very nicely tells me that they've thought long and hard as to how they can come up with a solution to this ? and it seems, well, they can't.. therefore, as of now, they will not be attending the reception - not only that, but they can't very well not attend the reception and leave their daughter (a bridesmaid - she's 19) to attend the reception on her own... (her grandparents - my aunt and uncle are attending the reception)... not to mention her brother(my other cousin and uncle to this specific bridesmaid who is my goddaughter) is also invited and i would assume he will be there.... after telling me about her dilemma and how she can't leave other 2 children with anyone she said she's giving me a heads up as to what the other 2 cousins are thinking of doing and they will possibly show up the day of with their children - she at least, felt she was being more respectful by being upfront with me and coming to me with the situation now... so, my question is - though i understand children can be a touchy subject - i'm getting married later in life (all their children are 11+), so they didnt have to face this sitaution when they were getting married - so why should i? because it's 10 years later and they have children now? and am i supposed to be the one responsible for coming up with a solution as to what to do with their children? both my matron and maid of honor have children and neither one has brought up this issue - they automatically found their own sitters and havent even brought it up in my last 4 months of planning... uughhh... frustrated... !
    It is perfectly fine to not invite children to your wedding.

    The FG and RD however should be allowed to attend the reception since they are part of the wedding party.  By not allowing them to attend it basically just looks like you are using them as cute props for your wedding rather then really wanting them there.

    As for your cousins, well it is there decision to attend or not.  An invitation is not a summons and if they are not happy that their children weren't invited or if they cannot find a babysitter well it is perfectly fine for them to decline.

    As for your 19 year old BM.  She should be mailed a separate invite from her parents and since she is 19 should be able to do what she would like.  However, I would just stay out of this craziness and let the family figure that one out.  But I would still send her a separate invite since she is an adult.

    Blue_Bird
  • I wouldn't consider this splitting up a family.  The BM is 19.  From every post I have read on here, that is considered an adult (aka receive their own invitation, SO invited); therefore, I don't think you are putting your cousin in an awkward situation.  She is mad and is trying to make you feel bad.  I can't imagine her daughter, the BM, is going to be very happy that her mommy told her she can't be in the wedding~

    However, I agree that you shouldn't ask your niece and nephew to be in the ceremony and not come to the reception.  But if there parents want a night off, that's fine.  Especially if there won't be other kids there, they would probably be bored.


  • Families may get their noses out of joint if sine kids are invited and others aren't but as long as the cutoff isn't arbitrary, it's defendable.
  • banana468 said:
    Families may get their noses out of joint if sine kids are invited and others aren't but as long as the cutoff isn't arbitrary, it's defendable.

    It sounds like this particular Aunt has 4 kids maybe?  The 19-yo BM, an older son who has children, and two younger kids.  Is that accurate?  How old are the other two kids?  From my end, the older two would be invited separately anyway, so that's no big deal.  But there's a world of difference if the younger kids are 8 and 10 instead of 15 and 17.  I wouldn't even consider 15 and 17 year olds "kids."  They certainly wouldn't qualify for kids meals from your caterer.

     

    I can see where inviting a 19 year old but not her 17 year old sister for example would be looked at poorly - a 17 year old is basically an adult.  That makes it look a lot more like breaking up a family than it would if the younger siblings were very young.  Honestly, I'd look at the potential guest list and try to find a legitimate "line in the sand" that wouldn't cause siblings to be split up and use that, at least with your family.  For friends you can just say no kids whatsoever.

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    It's fine to have an adult only reception (or to only invite the kids in the WP).  Part of an adult only event means that some parents will choose not to come.  

    Your cousin has every right to decline the event.  It was overkill for her to "confront" you about it, but you simply say that you're sorry she won't be able to attend and move on.

    The 19 year old is an adult and gets her own invitation.  She should be able to decide for herself if she will be attending or not, but it's not uncommon for a young adult to take a nod from her mother in family events.  
    MairePoppy
  • Alexa0405 said:
    hi there ! i'll introduce myself by saying I'm the bride.... and my wedding planning has been going pretty smoothly up until today.... so, my fiance and I decided we wouldnt have children invited to the wedding - both his nephew and my niece (3 yrs old each) are the ring bearer and flower girl, but their day will be over after the ceremony.... so, there aren't any exceptions... our venue is overlooking a river and so part of the decision of the no children reception was due to the potential of having kids run on the pier, push each other, hit each other, scream, yell, whatever... and we just wanted all our guests to have a nice "date night" and let loose rather than them worry and US since we're responsible for the goings-on at the venue ultimately as the parties under contract.. in any case, i have 3 cousins who are left with "who will watch the children?"... if both them and their respective spouses come to the reception... so one of my cousins asks me to lunch and very nicely tells me that they've thought long and hard as to how they can come up with a solution to this ? and it seems, well, they can't.. therefore, as of now, they will not be attending the reception - not only that, but they can't very well not attend the reception and leave their daughter (a bridesmaid - she's 19) to attend the reception on her own... (her grandparents - my aunt and uncle are attending the reception)... not to mention her brother(my other cousin and uncle to this specific bridesmaid who is my goddaughter) is also invited and i would assume he will be there.... after telling me about her dilemma and how she can't leave other 2 children with anyone she said she's giving me a heads up as to what the other 2 cousins are thinking of doing and they will possibly show up the day of with their children - she at least, felt she was being more respectful by being upfront with me and coming to me with the situation now... so, my question is - though i understand children can be a touchy subject - i'm getting married later in life (all their children are 11+), so they didnt have to face this sitaution when they were getting married - so why should i? because it's 10 years later and they have children now? and am i supposed to be the one responsible for coming up with a solution as to what to do with their children? both my matron and maid of honor have children and neither one has brought up this issue - they automatically found their own sitters and havent even brought it up in my last 4 months of planning... uughhh... frustrated... !
    Please don't use this to justify not inviting children. It is not up to you to decide if your guests should have a "date night".  If they want to have a night away from the kids they will arrange for a sitter.  If you don't want to invite kids that's your prerogative but don't present it like you are doing your guests a favor.  Accept that some people are not going to attend your wedding if they cannot bring their children.  As for your MOHs being able to get sitters that has nothing to do with your cousins.  Every family has different circumstances and resources.  You've made your choice so now you can either stick with it or change your mind.  It's up to you and your FI. 

    As pp have said you must invite the ringer bearer and flower girl to the reception.  If their parents decide it is too much for them and make arrangements form them to leave that's fine but that's not your call.  

    BTW I've been to many receptions with children and there was never any pushing, hitting, screaming or yelling.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    You're perfectly within your rights to not invite children to your wedding - with the exception of what you're doing with the flower girl and ring bearer.  Anyone invited to or participating in the ceremony needs to be invited to the reception.  If their parents have decided, of their own volition and without prompting from you, to not have the children attend the reception, then that's their decision, but it shouldn't be your decision.  If you decided that they were attending the ceremony and not the reception you need to rectify that.

    While you're within your rights to not invite children, your guests are also within their rights to decide not to come if their children aren't invited.  It sounds like this cousin is trying to beat around the bush and get you to decide to include her children; it's up to you to decide which is more important, having no children at your wedding (aside from FG and RB) or having these cousins attend.  Again, there's no right or wrong choice here.



  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    mysticl said:
    Alexa0405 said:
    hi there ! i'll introduce myself by saying I'm the bride.... and my wedding planning has been going pretty smoothly up until today.... so, my fiance and I decided we wouldnt have children invited to the wedding - both his nephew and my niece (3 yrs old each) are the ring bearer and flower girl, but their day will be over after the ceremony.... so, there aren't any exceptions... our venue is overlooking a river and so part of the decision of the no children reception was due to the potential of having kids run on the pier, push each other, hit each other, scream, yell, whatever... and we just wanted all our guests to have a nice "date night" and let loose rather than them worry and US since we're responsible for the goings-on at the venue ultimately as the parties under contract.. in any case, i have 3 cousins who are left with "who will watch the children?"... if both them and their respective spouses come to the reception... so one of my cousins asks me to lunch and very nicely tells me that they've thought long and hard as to how they can come up with a solution to this ? and it seems, well, they can't.. therefore, as of now, they will not be attending the reception - not only that, but they can't very well not attend the reception and leave their daughter (a bridesmaid - she's 19) to attend the reception on her own... (her grandparents - my aunt and uncle are attending the reception)... not to mention her brother(my other cousin and uncle to this specific bridesmaid who is my goddaughter) is also invited and i would assume he will be there.... after telling me about her dilemma and how she can't leave other 2 children with anyone she said she's giving me a heads up as to what the other 2 cousins are thinking of doing and they will possibly show up the day of with their children - she at least, felt she was being more respectful by being upfront with me and coming to me with the situation now... so, my question is - though i understand children can be a touchy subject - i'm getting married later in life (all their children are 11+), so they didnt have to face this sitaution when they were getting married - so why should i? because it's 10 years later and they have children now? and am i supposed to be the one responsible for coming up with a solution as to what to do with their children? both my matron and maid of honor have children and neither one has brought up this issue - they automatically found their own sitters and havent even brought it up in my last 4 months of planning... uughhh... frustrated... !
    Please don't use this to justify not inviting children. It is not up to you to decide if your guests should have a "date night".  If they want to have a night away from the kids they will arrange for a sitter.  If you don't want to invite kids that's your prerogative but don't present it like you are doing your guests a favor.  Accept that some people are not going to attend your wedding if they cannot bring their children.  As for your MOHs being able to get sitters that has nothing to do with your cousins.  Every family has different circumstances and resources.  You've made your choice so now you can either stick with it or change your mind.  It's up to you and your FI. 

    As pp have said you must invite the ringer bearer and flower girl to the reception.  If their parents decide it is too much for them and make arrangements form them to leave that's fine but that's not your call.  

    BTW I've been to many receptions with children and there was never any pushing, hitting, screaming or yelling.  
    But this is not universal at every wedding with small kids.

    That said, I do think the 19 year old needs to get her own invitation, that it's not okay to have the kids in the wedding party only at the ceremony and then sent away, and that your cousin will have to figure out her own situation rather than trying to guilt you into inviting her kids, but if they don't come, the OP will need to accept that.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Ditto PPs. You don't have to invite kids, and people don't have to come if they don't like it. You need to be prepared for that. It's absurd that the 19-year-old is going to be directed by her mother whether or not she can go, but that's their family crap to deal with. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • She sounds like she's getting a little (lot) extreme in her reaction... but here's the deal.  If you decide to not allow children then you need to prepare yourself for some parents to not be able to be there or not want to be there.  It's a sacrifice you will make if not having children around is really important to you.  Not all parents WANT a fun date night.
    image
  • antoto said:
    She sounds like she's getting a little (lot) extreme in her reaction... but here's the deal.  If you decide to not allow children then you need to prepare yourself for some parents to not be able to be there or not want to be there.  It's a sacrifice you will make if not having children around is really important to you.  Not all parents WANT a fun date night.
    Or if they do a wedding is not what they had it mind.  If they are going to spend the money on a sitter they may prefer to do that for a time when they can go out as a couple and enjoy the time alone, not socializing with friends and family.  
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited January 2014
    Alexa0405 said:
     so one of my cousins asks me to lunch and very nicely tells me that they've thought long and hard as to how they can come up with a solution to this ? and it seems, well, they can't.. therefore, as of now, they will not be attending the reception - not only that, but they can't very well not attend the reception and leave their daughter (a bridesmaid - she's 19) to attend the reception on her own... (her grandparents - my aunt and uncle are attending the reception)... not to mention her brother(my other cousin and uncle to this specific bridesmaid who is my goddaughter) is also invited and i would assume he will be there.... after telling me about her dilemma and how she can't leave other 2 children with anyone she said she's giving me a heads up as to what the other 2 cousins are thinking of doing and they will possibly show up the day of with their children - she at least, felt she was being more respectful by being upfront with me and coming to me with the situation now... so, my question is - though i understand children can be a touchy subject - i'm getting married later in life (all their children are 11+), so they didnt have to face this sitaution when they were getting married - so why should i? because it's 10 years later and they have children now? and am i supposed to be the one responsible for coming up with a solution as to what to do with their children? both my matron and maid of honor have children and neither one has brought up this issue - they automatically found their own sitters and havent even brought it up in my last 4 months of planning... uughhh... frustrated... !
    Wow, your cousin is a bully. As the bride and the host of your wedding, you're the one who gets to decide who is invited. You don't have to justify your desire to have an adult only event to anyone. Offering up excuses to your cousin is opening the door for argument. 

    By the way, I don't believe that a mother with a nineteen year old daughter hasn't figured out how to hire a sitter for her kids. But that's not your problem. I also would doubt that she has the authority to speak for the other cousins. Call her bluff. Tell her that your decision is final and you're sorry that she won't be able to attend.

    And make sure your nineteen year old cousin knows that you still want her in the wedding party. If I remember correctly my children, at nineteen, would not have tolerated me controlling them to that extent. 
                       
  • their own parents wanted it that way because they wanted to have a good time with and not run around after them..... cutoff was 17 years of age and over
  • there are only 3 children - her 19 year old, then her 11 year old and 3 year old.... the RB and FG's parents (both sets) are all in agreement that they would rather their kids not attend the reception.

  • i appreciate all the comments - just to clarify - my mistake for not doing so in the beginning - both the RG and FG parents were more than okay (actually one of them said - i'm off duty that night so if he's there, someone else will have to watch him).... so, the RG and FG were not meant to be an issue in this post... it was jsut the cousin in question - and yes, the 19 year old was always being invited with her own invitation....
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