How can I convince my fiance to agree to move the date up?

brittknee22

So my fiancé and I originally settled on 12-12-15 but after thinking about it I don't want that anymore, but he wants a long engagement and he wants to wait until he is out of the army or almost out and that's in 2016. With him in the army I get to see him once for a week every 4-5 months and I hate it. I want to spend as much of my life as I possibly can with him. With his job God only knows how long I have and I want to move the date to this December. Any ideas on how to convince him??

500days

If you've agreed/settled on 12/15 then I don't know if your FI would be willing to move it up. You are getting married to spend the rest of your lives with each other....so don't worry about time running out. I'm getting married 7/15 and I know it's a ways away but time will fly...like it always does. I would suggest having a talk about your worries with FI. 

mbross3

The only thing you can do is have an honest conversation with him. It seems like you have had a serious conversation(s) about the date and come to a consensus. If you have changed your mind, talk to him about it. If nothing is set in stone (it being 2 years out still, I'm sure you haven't made too many commitments or down-payments) you can still change your date. Remember that it's not just your day though, it's your FI's day too. You should both be happy with the date, and sometimes that requires compromise. You may have to stay with the date you've already chosen, but there's no reason you can't bring the topic up with him. Tell him how you feel and have a compromise ready. Maybe try for 6 months earlier--still a long engagement for him, but shorter for you!

suzie211

First, how old are you?

Second, ask your FI, not a board full of internet strangers.  We can't make decisions for you.  Two people in a healthy, committed relationship should be able to have this conversation.

Third,  you have already agreed to spend your lives together.   His job and commitment to the government won't change because of your marital status.  So married or just engaged you'll still only be seeing him the same amount.  Marriage won't fix that and make it magically better.

Swazzle

@mbross3 and @suzie211 are wise.

brittknee22

I am 22. I know that's young but still. I wasn't asking strangers to tell me what to do, I was simply asking for advice. I know that its ultimately up to me and him. We are in a very healthy and committed relationship. I could see him more if we were married and I move there with him, to me that seems better.

phira

I mean, it is young; no "but still" about it.

We get that you want to spend the rest of your life with him, but what I think you're not getting is that ... you're already spending as much of your life as you can with him. "But he might die because he's in the army!" is not really a reason to get married sooner than you agreed; anyone might die at any point from something entirely not army related. Basically, whether or not you're married has zero impact on how much of your life you're spending together. When you say things like that, it really sounds like you're too young to really get that marriage is not a goal/end-point, but just a particular chapter of an existing relationship.

I get not wanting to have a long engagement. However, when you get married is something that the two of you have to agree on together. It sounds like December 2015 is already a compromise; it's longer than you want to wait, but not as long as he wants to wait. So I doubt you're going to be able to convince him to move it up more; that's not compromise.

Finally, it sounds like you are not very happy about him being in the army. Not like, you're not supportive, just that you are not happy with the situation it puts your relationship in. That's a whole big thing that you have to navigate with him, but it's not a reason to get married sooner. Honestly, if you're not seeing each other on a regular basis, and are effectively in a long term relationship, I'd recommend waiting until you're no longer long distance.

loves2shop4shoes

Tell him you're pregnant.

If you're still a virgin, tell him it's the immaculate conception.

psychbabe314

Unfortunately, there is no way to completely convince him. Sit down by yourself first. Write out a pro's and con's list and decide if you really want to move up the date. Then show it to your fiance. He will understand where you are coming from if you have a lot on your mind. But, look at your list carefully. Read them out loud and think carefully about each. It is hard not having your fiance around. Mine leaves at the end of the summer for an entire year! I have a lot of sympathy for your situation, and I can only imagine how hard long chunks of time without someone that close to you can be.

I hope you can find some peace of mind! Good luck!

audrewuh

It sounds like the commitments of being a military SO are wearing on you right now. That's okay to admit and own, you just have to be honest with yourself. Knowing the military life like I do, it's not always as easy as "he's out in 2016" because there's always the strong likelihood that the military will change plans for him. 

Take a deep breath and before you have a conversation with your FI, be honest with yourself. Are you in a low spot? Are you really missing him? Don't let that cloud your judgement. You and your FI had conversations before and this was a decision you made together when things weren't so rough. 

There's a light at the end of the tunnel when it comes to this time apart. I ask you to keep in mind the massive roller coaster that military SO's are constantly on. 

brittknee22

Im not saying that I want that the reason I want to move it up is because he might die because he is in the army. I know that anything can happen. The military is unpredictable and he is moved around a lot. I just want to be there for him and with him. He is homesick and alone there and I want to be there for him.

suzie211

brittknee22 said:

Im not saying that I want that the reason I want to move it up is because he might die because he is in the army. I know that anything can happen. The military is unpredictable and he is moved around a lot. I just want to be there for him and with him. He is homesick and alone there and I want to be there for him.

You can be there for him without being married.  This is what a relationship is, and it is not determined by the title of the relationship.

You also can move without being married.  Yes, you wouldn't be able to live in on-base housing, but it doesn't mean you can't live with him off or get a place of your own.  

Do you really want to be with him forever, or are you more excited for a wedding and to be a wife? Those are two completely different things.

phira

brittknee22 said:

Im not saying that I want that the reason I want to move it up is because he might die because he is in the army. I know that anything can happen. The military is unpredictable and he is moved around a lot. I just want to be there for him and with him. He is homesick and alone there and I want to be there for him.

Like @suzie211 says, you can be there for him even though you're not married yet. These are not reasons to move up the wedding date.

Additionally, you're saying that you want to be married to him sooner rather than later so you can be there for him ... but he doesn't want to push up the wedding date (and in fact would prefer to push it back). So would you really be pushing up the date "for him?" I'm not saying you shouldn't want to move up the date (my engagement will be 14 months total, and I feel like 4 months has already been too long). I'm saying that it's not really a healthy thing to be insisting that you want to move up the wedding date so you can be there for him, when it really is something that you want and he doesn't.

blabla89

@audrewuh speaks wisdom. Is being married the only way you could be allowed to live near/with him? Married or not, you can still be everything he needs and give him something to look forward to when the time comes for him finish with the military and have the wedding. I don't think rushing it will do either of you too much good in the mean time.