Engagement party, pay yourself? Wording?

mayapple24

I'm the moh and have been asked to host an engagement party. Im on a budget, but the bride wants everyone to go out to a restaurant/bar and celebrate. We decided on a local Mexican restaurant and she wants everyone to pay themselves. I'm a little hung up on that, cause to me if I mail out an invitation I host, but shes very sure that no one will expect me to pay for them. Im planning on covering apps, a cake, and the non-alcoholic drinks in a party room at the restauraunt. Then letting people have the option to go to the bar or order food on their own past that. The party doesn't start til 8. How do I word this invite? She's got family, peers, and colleagues on her list. I've tossed around "join us for a get together" "going out in honor of". Nothing sounds right. Should I flat out say "cake reception" or "food and drinks on your own". I'm stuck. Anyone have experience with this beyond peer group birthdays?

JoanE2012

mayapple24 said:

I'm the moh and have been asked to host an engagement party. Im on a budget, but the bride wants everyone to go out to a restaurant/bar and celebrate. We decided on a local Mexican restaurant and she wants everyone to pay themselves. I'm a little hung up on that, cause to me if I mail out an invitation I host, but shes very sure that no one will expect me to pay for them. Im planning on covering apps, a cake, and the non-alcoholic drinks in a party room at the restauraunt. Then letting people have the option to go to the bar or order food on their own past that. The party doesn't start til 8. How do I word this invite? She's got family, peers, and colleagues on her list. I've tossed around "join us for a get together" "going out in honor of". Nothing sounds right. Should I flat out say "cake reception" or "food and drinks on your own". I'm stuck. Anyone have experience with this beyond peer group birthdays?

I've never even really heard of MOHs hosting engagement parties.....usually it's parents of the bride or groom here.  That said, it was rude of her to ask you to host one.  It's also rude to host an event and then ask people to pay. 

Personally, I'd tell the bride you cannot afford this since you're on a budget and decline.  She was wrong to put you in this position in the first place.   If you do decide to continue and you can't afford to pay for dinner for everyone, make sure the event does not cross over a meal time.  Same theory goes for drinks.....they should be included or just not provided.....no one should be opening their wallet at the bar.

CMGragain

It is very rude for the bride to tell ANYONE to host a party for her.  It is equally rude for her to dictate anything about a party that is being given for her.
Tell Bridezilla that you are sorry, but you cannot afford to give her an engagement party.  The traditional engagement party is given by the bride's parents, and the party does not take place in a bar.  My daughter didn't get one because we live 2000 miles away.

benaisy3

First of all, I can't believe the bride is asking you to throw this party - - normally, at least what I'm used to, an engagement party is hosted by someone (usually a family member), but if nobody offers then one doesn't happen...

Anyways, maybe you could just write something like - join us for some drinks and snacks (?) as we celebrate the engagement of X & X.

I agree with PP, if it is past dinner time, then cake and non-alcoholic beverages and some snacks are perfectly fine and then  no need to mention anything else..

JMalettas

 Ditto on the bride asking you to throw her an engagement party, as being completely inappropriate! I'm hoping she isn't expecting this during a dinner hour, & at least you can bypass the 'guests paying for their own dinner' awkwardness! If this is an evening event, (after dinner), then I would agree you can totally get away with apps, cake & non-alcoholic drinks. If she is wanting it over the dinner hour, maybe you should stress to her that it's completely rude to invite anyone to an event over dinner, (whether she thinks they'll be fine with it or not), and not pay for it. (She also shouldn't be asking you to flip the bill for this)!

 A friend of mine, and her now husband, hosted their rehearsal dinner at a nicer restaurant in town, a couple of years ago. They invited the wedding party & their plus-one's, and when the bill came, asked for it all separate! It's been almost 2 years since, and it *still* gets brought up from time to time! *Do not host an event like this & expect guests to pay!* 

 Good luck to you! Hopefully you can talk some sense into this woman!

 *J

CMGragain

PS.  You are not required to give any showers or bachelorette parties for Miss Bridezilla, either.  The only responsibilities you have as MOH are to show up at the rehearsal and ceremony appropriately dressed (Yes, you do have to buy the dress.), to stand up with her at the alter, to hold her bouquet during the ring exchange, smile and pose for photos, and maybe to sign the marriage certificate as a witness.

JMalettas

 As a MOH, I would personally expect to have to pay for my dress/hair/make-up, for the day, assist in wedding related tasks leading up to the wedding, to obviously stand with her at the alter, & to my ability, assure her day went as smoothly as possible. I would definitely expect to host the bachelorette, and help in throwing the shower, if a family member or someone else was hosting it. (Ask if in any way I could help with whatever, etc). That would be what I would personally expect when accepting the MOH role. 

 *J

CMGragain

JMalettas said:

 As a MOH, I would personally expect to have to pay for my dress/hair/make-up, for the day, assist in wedding related tasks leading up to the wedding, to obviously stand with her at the alter, & to my ability, assure her day went as smoothly as possible. I would definitely expect to host the bachelorette, and help in throwing the shower, if a family member or someone else was hosting it. (Ask if in any way I could help with whatever, etc). That would be what I would personally expect when accepting the MOH role. 

 *J

Of course, you can do as much as you want to do.  It is not required, and should not be expected.

Jen4948

I'd tell the bride no.  If you aren't okay hosting it, then you're not required to host it.  But under no circumstances should the guests be expected to pay.

freebread03

Just tell her no.  I was invited to a 30th b-day party for a friend a few years ago.  It was at a bar.  I was surprised they were hosting for that many, but I knew his wife used to work there so I figured she was getting a deal.  When we went to leave, we started to walk towards the door and they ran up and gave us a check.  I was mortified, and I am STILL embarrassed when I think about that.

Make sure it is VERY clear what you are and are not paying for.  My friend's wife mailed invites that said "hosted by", which all gave the impression that she was fully hosting.

vt&dt

Another vote to say no.  You don't have to host any events - and if you'd like to host a shower or bachelorette party, you can easily say that you aren't able to host an engagement party at this time, and will not host a party where guests aren't properly hosted.

MyNameIsNot

I really think you should stand up for yourself and tell her no.  If this bride has the audacity to ask you to host an engagement party, she's going to be much worse as it goes on.  I can't even imagine how she'll be when it comes to showers and b-parties.  

If you do want to go along with this, you need to put your foot down that tell the bride what you can afford.  Don't let her goad you into spending more than you're comfortable with or doing something you know is rude.  It's perfectly fine to tell her that the bar is out of budget and that you can have it at home or the park or some other venue.