best man vs. best woman vs. another title?

effiek91

So my FI has elected to have his best female friend stand as his best "man". His only other option was his friend he has known much longer, but he wasn't sure he could make the time commitment with his work schedule, so he went with the female. I know that this isn't all together uncommon, especially nowadays, and while I'm not good friends with her, she did know him for a few months before we met, and I have known her the entire time we having been together, so I am not opposed to it.  But what about the title? Is she still referred to as the best man, or does protocol dictate she must be called the best woman. I just feel that saying that my FI has a best woman doesn't seem right if that woman being referred to wasn't me, maybe that's old-fashioned, but it's how I feel about it. However, if I can come up with an alternative to both I might be able to get around the title issue all together. So I wanted to hear from some people who might have experience with having a female best man in their wedding, how did you do the title, best man or best woman, or did you come up with a creative new title all together?

freebread03

You really think it would be appropriate that she should be called the best man?  She isn't a man, so that doesn't even make sense.  It's not "protocol" that dictates she be called "best woman."  It's a gender thing-and it's pretty clear cut.  She is the best woman. Simple as that.  There's no such thing as a female best man-that's like calling blue purple.  It just...isn't.  

Lots of people have a best honor attendant who is of the opposite sex.  It shouldn't be a big deal.

HisGirlFriday13

Best woman, groomswoman, woman of honour -- any of those will work.

Freebread is right -- she's not a guy so why would you think she needs to be called a "man" anything?

OliveOilsMom

effiek91 said:

So my FI has elected to have his best female friend stand as his best "man". His only other option was his friend he has known much longer, but he wasn't sure he could make the time commitment with his work schedule, so he went with the female. I know that this isn't all together uncommon, especially nowadays, and while I'm not good friends with her, she did know him for a few months before we met, and I have known her the entire time we having been together, so I am not opposed to it.  But what about the title? Is she still referred to as the best man, or does protocol dictate she must be called the best woman. I just feel that saying that my FI has a best woman doesn't seem right if that woman being referred to wasn't me, maybe that's old-fashioned, but it's how I feel about it. However, if I can come up with an alternative to both I might be able to get around the title issue all together. So I wanted to hear from some people who might have experience with having a female best man in their wedding, how did you do the title, best man or best woman, or did you come up with a creative new title all together?

Best Woman is the best choice.  I think your guests will know who the number 1 woman in your FI's life is, considering he is marrying you.

AddieCake

My husband's groomswoman referred to herself as the best man, but that's her personality. Why does she even need a label? For programs or something?

GinnaN

It's up to you what you call her. Best Woman would be the "correct" title, but if it makes you uncomfortable, then you can use Best Man, but that might make her uncomfortable. Other titles might be Woman of Honour (might get confused with Maids of Honour though) or simply Honour Attendant.

My Maid of Honour is a man, so he's Man of Honour. And my brother is a bridesman. My FI's female groomsman is getting called groomswoman.

doeydo

effiek91 said:

So my FI has elected to have his best female friend stand as his best "man". His only other option was his friend he has known much longer, but he wasn't sure he could make the time commitment with his work schedule, so he went with the female. I know that this isn't all together uncommon, especially nowadays, and while I'm not good friends with her, she did know him for a few months before we met, and I have known her the entire time we having been together, so I am not opposed to it.  But what about the title? Is she still referred to as the best man, or does protocol dictate she must be called the best woman. I just feel that saying that my FI has a best woman doesn't seem right if that woman being referred to wasn't me, maybe that's old-fashioned, but it's how I feel about it. However, if I can come up with an alternative to both I might be able to get around the title issue all together. So I wanted to hear from some people who might have experience with having a female best man in their wedding, how did you do the title, best man or best woman, or did you come up with a creative new title all together?

Asking someone to be a groomsman or bestman is not a subpoena, the friend could have said no if he really thought he wouldn't have time for it.  That said, would he really not be able to have one day off to attend the wedding?  Because that is really all that is 'required' by a member of the wedding party, to attend the wedding in the agreed upon outfit. 

effiek91

@doeydo, to be honest, I don't know why he said that about the time commitment. FI didn't give me anymore details than that. I know his friend works 60-70 hours a week and has a family, but I thought same thing, so you take off a day or two a year in advance, no big deal for someone you consider a really close friend. But I wasn't going to butt in I figured they would work it out between themselves.

I have been looking other places as well and it looks like attendants and honor attendants are used quite commonly in ceremonies. And it really is only for the program that it needs to be in writing anywhere. I don't think she would mind the title best man, she's not very fussy at all about things like that, already told me she didn't care what she wore, if we picked suit or dress for her attire either was fine. I was really just digging around to see what others had elected to do, and if there were some other creative titles out there besides best man or best woman that I liked better. I wanted to ask on here because I like hearing stories directly from the people involved in the weddings.

QueerFemme

effiek91 said:

@doeydo, to be honest, I don't know why he said that about the time commitment. FI didn't give me anymore details than that. I know his friend works 60-70 hours a week and has a family, but I thought same thing, so you take off a day or two a year in advance, no big deal for someone you consider a really close friend. But I wasn't going to butt in I figured they would work it out between themselves.

I have been looking other places as well and it looks like attendants and honor attendants are used quite commonly in ceremonies. And it really is only for the program that it needs to be in writing anywhere. I don't think she would mind the title best man, she's not very fussy at all about things like that, already told me she didn't care what she wore, if we picked suit or dress for her attire either was fine. I was really just digging around to see what others had elected to do, and if there were some other creative titles out there besides best man or best woman that I liked better. I wanted to ask on here because I like hearing stories directly from the people involved in the weddings.

To avoid giving anyone gendered labels, my partner and I did the following:

Spouse1's [my first name] Attendants:

Jane Doe

John Doe

Spouse2's [my partner's first name] Attendants:

Jimmy Doe

Susie Doe

grumbledore

I think I am going to copy QF here because nothing makes my eyes roll like the terms "Bridesman" and "Man of Honor" - it's just me, there's nothing at all wrong with either one, but they sound undignified to me and I can't stand them. (I am having my brother as my Numero Uno so I've been dwelling on this for weeks.)