What would you do?

thisismynickname2

I'm just not sure what to do here and advice would be appreciated.

Backstory is required:

I've had this friend A since college and both of us are very close to friends B and C. A is the type of person who has the ability to be a great friend, but I can't trust her as far as I can throw her. I've long since forgiven the transgressions, but I cannot forget.

She moved away a couple years ago and it's a friendship that isn't making the leap off Facebook to phone calls and e-mails. I haven't made the effort because I prefer my life without drama. But, she hasn't made the effort either.  I traveled to her wedding last summer, but honestly I was surprised to be invited. I feel like we've just grown apart, but perhaps she values our shared history. 

Well, now that it's time to plan my wedding, I'm not doing "obligation" friend invites. The few friends on my list are those that I speak with via e-mail, phone, and hang out with in person-- even a couple other women who have moved away, but we've staying in touch outside social networking. 

A sent me a Facebook message awhile ago asking about my wedding, since she's trying to plan all her travel for 2014 (includes other family events of hers and other weddings). I bean-dipped her in referencing my small guest list, and she didn't write again. Friend B is well aware that A is not invited and my reasons why not. 

Well, my Save-the-Dates went out this week. Yay! Apparently it jogged B's memory, as she texted me and goes, "Oh, I forgot to tell you. A sent me a Facebook message asking about your wedding. I was really vague in my reply." I replied that I was sorry she was in such an awkward position. 

I'm just.... ugh. I don't really care about this friendship anymore, so if she asked me again, I guess I'd be point-blank and tell her she's not invited because I couldn't accommodate all my friends. (This is true; I wanted a small wedding and FI's parents are paying for half of it. Their family takes up the vast majority of the guest list.)  Friend C, on the other hand, has no idea I have misgivings about my friendship with A and a part of me wonders if A would contact C and pump him for details. (He was an usher in A's wedding. They're very close.)

I don't want her putting B and C in weird positions with my wedding. That actually really annoys me. Dare I go so far as to write her a non-invitation, given the circumstances? Or continue to let B  bean-dip her until she has the guts to contact me personally again?

Rant:  I left her off the guest list specifically because I tired of her drama over the years. She's managing to cause drama even not being invited to this wedding. End rant. 

Thanks! 

monkeysip

I would not contact her to tell her she isn't invited.  B and C can just keep bean-dipping her.  

It sucks, but I think disinvites are always rude.  Next time she says something, just tell her straight up.  

sarahufl

People always talk about "bean-dipping" but I am more of a fan of being direct. Tell her she isn't being invited and say you wanted to keep it small. 

She is going to find out sooner or later and it is better to be honest than to make your mutual friends uncomfortable. If I was the mutual friend, I would be mad at being put in the middle (even unintentionally). 

hlvonb

thisismynickname said:

I'm just not sure what to do here and advice would be appreciated.

Backstory is required:

I've had this friend A since college and both of us are very close to friends B and C. A is the type of person who has the ability to be a great friend, but I can't trust her as far as I can throw her. I've long since forgiven the transgressions, but I cannot forget.

She moved away a couple years ago and it's a friendship that isn't making the leap off Facebook to phone calls and e-mails. I haven't made the effort because I prefer my life without drama. But, she hasn't made the effort either.  I traveled to her wedding last summer, but honestly I was surprised to be invited. I feel like we've just grown apart, but perhaps she values our shared history. 

Well, now that it's time to plan my wedding, I'm not doing "obligation" friend invites. The few friends on my list are those that I speak with via e-mail, phone, and hang out with in person-- even a couple other women who have moved away, but we've staying in touch outside social networking. 

A sent me a Facebook message awhile ago asking about my wedding, since she's trying to plan all her travel for 2014 (includes other family events of hers and other weddings). I bean-dipped her in referencing my small guest list, and she didn't write again. Friend B is well aware that A is not invited and my reasons why not. 

Well, my Save-the-Dates went out this week. Yay! Apparently it jogged B's memory, as she texted me and goes, "Oh, I forgot to tell you. A sent me a Facebook message asking about your wedding. I was really vague in my reply." I replied that I was sorry she was in such an awkward position. 

I'm just.... ugh. I don't really care about this friendship anymore, so if she asked me again, I guess I'd be point-blank and tell her she's not invited because I couldn't accommodate all my friends. (This is true; I wanted a small wedding and FI's parents are paying for half of it. Their family takes up the vast majority of the guest list.)  Friend C, on the other hand, has no idea I have misgivings about my friendship with A and a part of me wonders if A would contact C and pump him for details. (He was an usher in A's wedding. They're very close.)

I don't want her putting B and C in weird positions with my wedding. That actually really annoys me. Dare I go so far as to write her a non-invitation, given the circumstances? Or continue to let B  bean-dip her until she has the guts to contact me personally again?

Rant:  I left her off the guest list specifically because I tired of her drama over the years. She's managing to cause drama even not being invited to this wedding. End rant. 

Thanks! 

@thisismynickname

I see 3 options here.

Option 1 (If you want to be nice)

I would message her and apologize for any confusion but that unfortunately you had to make some hard cuts when it came to the guest list and that there are people you would love to invite but just can't due to budget. (Hopefully she will get the hint)

Option 2 (only go with this if you really are done with her because it could end all communication for good)

Message her and tell her that unfortunately she is not invited and that you would appreciate it if she would stop going to others and asking them about information about your wedding.

Option 3

Ignore her but it probably will not change her behavior and she will still contact others about the wedding

 

It sounds like you really do not care if you do not hear from her again so then maybe go with 2

SmileDamnit

sarahufl said:

People always talk about "bean-dipping" but I am more of a fan of being direct. Tell her she isn't being invited and say you wanted to keep it small. 

She is going to find out sooner or later and it is better to be honest than to make your mutual friends uncomfortable. If I was the mutual friend, I would be mad at being put in the middle (even unintentionally). 

Agreed. I don't know that I'd go out of my way to contact her to tell her such, but next time she either contacts you directly or your friends report another inquiry, I'd definitely be direct with her. It could be uncomfortable conversation as it sounds like you really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but bottom line she's not a close friend nor is she someone you want at your wedding so there's not need to invest more emotionally in the response than "My guest list is composed of close friends and family and I'm sorry you will not receive an invitation".

thisismynickname2

Good points, thanks! I think what I'll do is just wait and see if she contacts any of us again on this, and if/when that happens I'll use the "hard cuts" language suggested by hlvonb. 

It helps to write these things out on TK before letting my temper get the best of me and do something I may regret.