2nd marriages for both - etiquette for showers and gifts?

lc07

photokitty said:

I am surprised by some of the responses, mainly bc showers for a second child have been said on this board to be OK and every life is to be celebrated. Doesn't every marriage deserve to be celebrated?

That said, I did not have showers or register for my second wedding. I personally thought it was gift grabby, but I also think that of second and third baby showers.

We received gifts from more than 90% of the guests who attended. So I don't think people are less likely to give a gift for a second wedding…it could be put personal circumstances surrounding our divorces, but I really doubt it.

In OP's situation, a shower would not be polite as there will be no guests at the wedding. 

There is nothing wrong with having a shower if someone offers for a second wedding when guests will be invited to the wedding. As it has been said before, it's an invitation, not a subpoena. If you don't want to celebrate the bride, don't go.

PPS have covered your question well, OP.

@photokitty There are plenty of us here who side-eye baby showers for every child a couple has. I believe every life should be celebrated, but that doesn't mean a shower for every baby you decide to have. I give a gift for the first shower and I generally do not afterwards. What I'm doing is helping the new parents with their expenses that come along with being a parent. It isn't a gift for the child.

photokitty

MGP said:

Personally I just think that a second time bride needs to understand that people that care about her will be excited for the MARRIAGE, not necessarily the WEDDING.

Personally i think that EVERY bride, first time or fiftieth time, needs to understand that people care more about the marriage than the wedding. This should be true of all marriages.

lc07 said:

PPS have covered your question well, OP.

@photokitty There are plenty of us here who side-eye baby showers for every child a couple has. I believe every life should be celebrated, but that doesn't mean a shower for every baby you decide to have. I give a gift for the first shower and I generally do not afterwards. What I'm doing is helping the new parents with their expenses that come along with being a parent. It isn't a gift for the child.

If you read my post, i said i don't agree with showers for second children. And didn't have any showers for my second wedding.

There is a lot of condescension in this thread.

MGP

photokitty said:

Personally I just think that a second time bride needs to understand that people that care about her will be excited for the MARRIAGE, not necessarily the WEDDING.

Personally i think that EVERY bride, first time or fiftieth time, needs to understand that people care more about the marriage than the wedding. This should be true of all marriages.

Very much agreed.  Most of us "older" and/or second time brides know that the wedding is such a small part of the marriage and if you are not prepared to deal with any challenges after "your special day" - you are pretty much doomed.  It's the snowflakes of all ages that put the emphasis on the wedding that cause 99% of the problems with this entire process.

That's being said, there doesn't seem to be much black and white etiquette when it comes to subsequent weddings (and babies for that matter) when it comes to celebrations so most of this is very much "what's the norm in your area" and "what you yourself feel comfortable with doing".  All I can do is speak for myself in what I would feel comfortable with doing if I was ever in that situation again (which with both a second wedding or a second baby I am not planning on it) -  which is to keep it very subdued.  Hope you aren't referring to my commentary being condescending, because that was not my intent.

lc07

I meant "you" as a general you. I also did not intend to come off as condescending if you are referring to me. So my apologies if that's the case!

melbenso

Neither my FI or I have been married before, but we are in our mid-thirties and have been living together for several years.  We have everything that we need for our household already. I politely declined a shower offer from my bridesmaids and explained that we did not need anything to set up our household.  I did tell them that if they wanted to have a lunch or a tea, that would be great, but it wasn't necessary.  We will be creating a small registry, for people attending our wedding who prefer to give tangible gifts rather than money.  But since we don't need much, it will mostly be smaller items (e.g. we would like some new every day dishes because ours have seen better days).

While I wouldn't side eye a shower thrown for a second marriage necessarily, I would side eye a shower invite from someone who I knew had their household set up, regardless of whether they were married before.  Nonetheless, I would still want to give them a gift of some sort at the wedding. I personally prefer to give money, because I assume the bride and groom can figure out what they want to spend it on most happily, but I understand not everyone likes to do this.  So I would suggest making a small registry and conveying that information by word of mouth.

fourtsixand2

Thanks everyone for the input!  I'm definitely not planning a shower or anything like that, but as I work for the City I suspect there will be a wedding shower amongst my department, etc.

I hadn't planned on registering but I suspect that friends will inevitably ask what we want for our 'wedding'.

We were both married around 10 years ago, so it wasn't terribly recent.  As a previous poster commented, I do believe 'just us' getting married without guests is a 'proper wedding'.  By the words 'proper wedding' I simply meant no fancy ceremony with bridesmaids, etc.  I wouldn't feel comfortable asking a bridal party to fork over money for dresses/tuxes when we've both been down that road before.

I guess, in general, I feel a little differently than most people.  I never 'side-eyed' anyone having a 2nd baby shower, especially if the 2nd baby was a different gender.  And I can't say I've ever 'side-eyed' a shower for a 2nd marriage either, although I can name on a few fingers the number of showers I've even been to.

Thanks for all the feedback!!!

MrsMarende

I wouldn't side eye you about a second shower unless you were the one throwing it. If a good friend or family member decided to throw you a shower, I would just think they were being generous and either come or not. 

I always purchase gifts for weddings regardless of the number though. 

AddieCake

melbenso said:

Neither my FI or I have been married before, but we are in our mid-thirties and have been living together for several years.  We have everything that we need for our household already. I politely declined a shower offer from my bridesmaids and explained that we did not need anything to set up our household.  I did tell them that if they wanted to have a lunch or a tea, that would be great, but it wasn't necessary.  We will be creating a small registry, for people attending our wedding who prefer to give tangible gifts rather than money.  But since we don't need much, it will mostly be smaller items (e.g. we would like some new every day dishes because ours have seen better days).

While I wouldn't side eye a shower thrown for a second marriage necessarily, I would side eye a shower invite from someone who I knew had their household set up, regardless of whether they were married before.  Nonetheless, I would still want to give them a gift of some sort at the wedding. I personally prefer to give money, because I assume the bride and groom can figure out what they want to spend it on most happily, but I understand not everyone likes to do this.  So I would suggest making a small registry and conveying that information by word of mouth.

This is ridiculous to me. Who or what defines "set up"? Any human living on his or her own has household items. That doesn't mean they can't register for and want new things, different things, upgrades, etc.

ETA: And so by your logic, NO BRIDE (unless she still lives at home) should get showers (or even register for wedding gifts, I guess, since most things on registries tend to be household things) b/c they presumably already have household items. Do you see how dumb that is? 

indianaalum

melbenso said:

Neither my FI or I have been married before, but we are in our mid-thirties and have been living together for several years.  We have everything that we need for our household already. I politely declined a shower offer from my bridesmaids and explained that we did not need anything to set up our household.  I did tell them that if they wanted to have a lunch or a tea, that would be great, but it wasn't necessary.  We will be creating a small registry, for people attending our wedding who prefer to give tangible gifts rather than money.  But since we don't need much, it will mostly be smaller items (e.g. we would like some new every day dishes because ours have seen better days).

While I wouldn't side eye a shower thrown for a second marriage necessarily, I would side eye a shower invite from someone who I knew had their household set up, regardless of whether they were married before.  Nonetheless, I would still want to give them a gift of some sort at the wedding. I personally prefer to give money, because I assume the bride and groom can figure out what they want to spend it on most happily, but I understand not everyone likes to do this.  So I would suggest making a small registry and conveying that information by word of mouth.

I find this rude, actually

I got married at later in life, so clearly lived on my own for years. Does that mean I didn't deserve a shower then? Sure, I lived on my own, but upgrading stuff is always nice for anyone. Older brides don't always choose to find love LATER in life, so it's pretty ignorant to think they shouldn't be allowed the same fun activities that a younger bride had just because they lived on their own

PrettyGirlLost

photokitty said:

I am surprised by some of the responses, mainly bc showers for a second child have been said on this board to be OK and every life is to be celebrated. Doesn't every marriage deserve to be celebrated?

That said, I did not have showers or register for my second wedding. I personally thought it was gift grabby, but I also think that of second and third baby showers.

We received gifts from more than 90% of the guests who attended. So I don't think people are less likely to give a gift for a second wedding…it could be put personal circumstances surrounding our divorces, but I really doubt it.

In OP's situation, a shower would not be polite as there will be no guests at the wedding. 

There is nothing wrong with having a shower if someone offers for a second wedding when guests will be invited to the wedding. As it has been said before, it's an invitation, not a subpoena. If you don't want to celebrate the bride, don't go.

I side eye showers for 2nd and 3rd children, and I think I'd side eye a shower for a 2nd marriage if it was the 2nd for both the bride and groom.

I don't view baby showers solely as a celebration of a new life- they are also gift giving events meant to help 1st time parents establish themselves as parents and collect all the crap they need. Once you have already had a child, you should pretty much already have all the big ticket items that you need- crib, car seats, stroller, etc.

ETA:  I know photo kitty feels similarly, the point of my post was to show that I also agree with her.

amakayeb

AddieL73 said:

melbenso said:

Neither my FI or I have been married before, but we are in our mid-thirties and have been living together for several years.  We have everything that we need for our household already. I politely declined a shower offer from my bridesmaids and explained that we did not need anything to set up our household.  I did tell them that if they wanted to have a lunch or a tea, that would be great, but it wasn't necessary.  We will be creating a small registry, for people attending our wedding who prefer to give tangible gifts rather than money.  But since we don't need much, it will mostly be smaller items (e.g. we would like some new every day dishes because ours have seen better days).

While I wouldn't side eye a shower thrown for a second marriage necessarily, I would side eye a shower invite from someone who I knew had their household set up, regardless of whether they were married before.  Nonetheless, I would still want to give them a gift of some sort at the wedding. I personally prefer to give money, because I assume the bride and groom can figure out what they want to spend it on most happily, but I understand not everyone likes to do this.  So I would suggest making a small registry and conveying that information by word of mouth.

This is ridiculous to me. Who or what defines "set up"? Any human living on his or her own has household items. That doesn't mean they can't register for and want new things, different things, upgrades, etc.

This is exactly what I was going to say. I've lived on my own for 7 years now, and am getting married this summer. Would you consider me "set up"? 

And I've scrimped and saved and bargain shopped like crazy as a college student and on a beginning parochial school teacher's salary to have a 'nice' apartment and household items. Does the fact that I was always more mature than many others my age and was therefore fairly "set up" much younger than others mean that I shouldn't get a shower?

majesty318

melbenso said:

Neither my FI or I have been married before, but we are in our mid-thirties and have been living together for several years.  We have everything that we need for our household already. I politely declined a shower offer from my bridesmaids and explained that we did not need anything to set up our household.  I did tell them that if they wanted to have a lunch or a tea, that would be great, but it wasn't necessary.  We will be creating a small registry, for people attending our wedding who prefer to give tangible gifts rather than money.  But since we don't need much, it will mostly be smaller items (e.g. we would like some new every day dishes because ours have seen better days).

While I wouldn't side eye a shower thrown for a second marriage necessarily, I would side eye a shower invite from someone who I knew had their household set up, regardless of whether they were married before.  Nonetheless, I would still want to give them a gift of some sort at the wedding. I personally prefer to give money, because I assume the bride and groom can figure out what they want to spend it on most happily, but I understand not everyone likes to do this.  So I would suggest making a small registry and conveying that information by word of mouth.

I am not in agreement with this one either. I have lived on my own for 11 years, so yeah, I have stuff. But 90% of it is from Wal-Mart - I never wanted to spend a lot of money on myself. I am glad I met my FI at the age when I did and not when I was young and crazy. But the fact that I was older does not make me less deserving of a shower or of some new nice things.

WildMagelet

melbenso said:

While I wouldn't side eye a shower thrown for a second marriage necessarily, I would side eye a shower invite from someone who I knew had their household set up, regardless of whether they were married before.  Nonetheless, I would still want to give them a gift of some sort at the wedding. I personally prefer to give money, because I assume the bride and groom can figure out what they want to spend it on most happily, but I understand not everyone likes to do this.  So I would suggest making a small registry and conveying that information by word of mouth.

What, what?  How do you get to magically decide if someone is "set-up" or not?  My FI was previously married, I have not been.  Our household has always been a mish-mash of what I had from my college days and what he was left with after the divorce.  It wasn't until recently that we started budgeting to buy upgrades for ourselves like *nice* towels, pans, etc but there are still quite a few things we don't have.  Just because I still have the base set of dishes and plastic-handled silverware my parents bought me when I went to college doesn't mean I think I'm any less deserving of a shower or upgrades.