Pretty Annoyed - Bachelorette Rant

MrsMarende

So a friend of mine is getting married in March and we are doing a weekend getaway for her Bachelorette Party to San Fran. 

Her FSIL and another BM that is a friend of mine decided to plan her Bachelorette. We are flying out on Friday. I have been asking for a breakdown of the hotel cost and an idea of what we will be doing for at least a month, we finally received it about a week ago. 

This is the first email: 

Hey guys! Just a few estimates on the cost of everything so you are prepared ... (we may decide to split Carolyn's way as well which might increase the cost a bit). Estimates below are splitting everything 9 ways (might adjust with some last minute changes too!) Hotel rooms (shared with 3 people): $182/each for the weekend Friday night dinner/show: $65/each (includes tax/tip and covers Carolyn): $65/each Limo/wine tasting for Saturday : $125/each

OK...I didn't realize I was co hosting this event, but I had planned to offer to help with Carolyn's cost on a dinner or activity anyway so I decided to let it go. 

Then today I get another email:

Sadly Amanda is unable to make it this weekend due to some personal reasons so we will have to split the hotels/wine tasting/dinner 8 ways instead... just keep that in mind from the original cost estimate I sent out. 

The hotel is approximately $204 (assuming I calculated the tax correctly) and the wine tour is $115.50.  For dinner Friday, it is going to be closer to $70 now per person.  $60/each (includes tax/tip) + $10 for Carolyn's. We can just collect that + whatever people buy in drinks when we pay the bill. 

I am seriously offended that this is the way these girls decided to handle this. The 2 BM that decided to plan this should have planned to pay for the Bride, I don't think they should be imposing this especially last minute...it's not a lot of money, but the principle.

Do you girls think I am overreacting?

AddieCake

No, I think the budget should have been set based on what everyone agreed upon, not getting a breakdown of the cost right before the event.

misshart00

I wonder what will happen when 5 more people decide not to go because of costs.

EllieAugust

While I agree that they should have gotten budget input from everyone earlier, I disagree that as the planners they should pick up the tab for the bride.  Every bachelorette party I have been to, all the girls split the cost for the bride.  It has never been my understanding that their is a "host" for a bachlelorette party, rather someone who offers to plan it.

I do agree that they should have provided a better breakdown of costs much sooner!  

Amyzen83

EllieAugust said:

While I agree that they should have gotten budget input from everyone earlier, I disagree that as the planners they should pick up the tab for the bride.  Every bachelorette party I have been to, all the girls split the cost for the bride.  It has never been my understanding that their is a "host" for a bachlelorette party, rather someone who offers to plan it.

I do agree that they should have provided a better breakdown of costs much sooner!  

I agree to the point, but if they aren't going to ask for others budgets and plan on having an extravagant event then the hosts should either plan something cheaper that fits within each girls budget or expect to pay the extra cost. Spending other peoples money wout asking their comfort level of spending is not cool and I'd be pissed like op

grumbledore

I think it's very expensive, fwiw. And you should have been asked what you could afford, then the event should have been planned not to exceed that amount per person.

phira

Everyone has to agree on the budget, so I'd be annoyed (and I'd back out). I do think that everyone should split the cost for the bride, but that's something that's supposed to be worked out when the budget is being done to start with.

HisGirlFriday13

I'm fine with being asked to pick up the tab for the bride AS LONG AS I know in advance that I'm supposed to, and I have been asked what my budget is. 

I have declined any and every bachelorette party invite that INFORMS me what my costs are rather than asking me for a budget in advance -- and I have never once felt bad for doing so, because the rudeness is on the part of the planners, not on me.

mlg78

More people will back out... When this type of party is planned, they always do. You have every right to be annoyed.

missnc77

I don't think it's bad they want everyone to chip in for the bride, but as a budget analyst by trade, the new breakdown is kind of funny.

1. Why is the new total for a hotel divided by 8? If it was 9 girls with 3 girls per room and one dropped out, that means that one room with have one less person. So, whoever stays in that room should split the cost, but the rooms of 3 should still be $182. 

2. Is the show and dinner pre-purchased? If one girl drops out, wouldn't that be one less dinner to buy? Shouldn't she be responsible for covering any costs after she committed then backed out if things were prepaid? Why is everyone else having to pick up that slack?

Seems to me the only thing that should be more expensive as a result of someone dropping out is whoever is sleeping in the two person room and the limo ride. There's some fuzzy math going on there, but that even tends to happen in my group of friends. All good people, just not very good with splitting up money.

MyNameIsNot

If that's not a lot of money to you, I'm jealous.  That's almost $500, plus other meals and transportation to get there.  That's way more than I would be comfortable spending on a b-party.  Yes, I generally expect to pay for my own hotel and meals and will throw in for the bride's meal and a couple of drinks, but I've never spent more than $200 on a b-party, even for a destination.  

Honestly, I would decline now.  With that kind of tab, I would expect that the other 8 aren't all going to be able to swing that.  I wouldn't want to be holding the bag when 2 more back out and the cost jumps to $600. 

Simky906

PP had covered most everything else but I had a thought math-wise; if there are 8 girls now could you do 2 rooms of 4 instead? I don't know if there would be a cancellation fee involved for that extra room but it might be worth checking into. This sounds like an expensive bachelorette and I would want to save money however I could.

BlueBirdMB

Decline!  This is totally out of hand.  The costs should have been agreed upon from the beginning, not thrown on you at the last minute.  

kiwikiss56

I wouldn't have an issue with a planner telling me how much things cost at a bachelorette party as long as I knew in advance of making a commitment.  I also think for the most part I've split costs for the bride, regardless of if I was in the wedding party or not.

I think it is great to be mindful of other bridal party member's budgets, but if for example 20 people are invited to the bachelorette party, you probably aren't going to be able to make it within everyone single person's budget.  There have been bachelorette parties I haven't attended due to cost and I never thought about holding it against the planner.  If it is too expensive then I think you politely decline.

OP are you in the wedding?  Did you already book your flight?  Given that it is San Francisco, I think those prices seem somewhat reasonable for what they are.  However, given you have been asking for a month, she should have at least gave you a rough estimate so you could decide if you were able to swing it or not! 

sarahufl

yeah, wouldn't do it. Anytime I have gone to an out of town thing like this, we buy the bride dinner or drinks but never foot the bill for much more than that.

I get annoyed with people who have to have All The Celebrations. Good grief, isn't getting married enough of a celebration?!

Cookie Pusher

It's really inconsiderate that they waited until the last minute to give you the financial details. It's very rude to assume you have that much money readily available to spend. I would not be surprised if other girls decide to cancel.

syoun1nj

I would just decline, but I wouldn't fly anywhere for a bachelorette party (unless it was a very best friend that lived far away and having it local to her. even then - only maybe). But my very best friend is within driving distance. People that are like "we should go to Bermuda for a week!" are either very very rich or make poor financial decisions.
I don't think you're overreacting and I don't think people just attending and not hosting should be asked to pay. For mine - the bridesmaids that attended split the costs of the hotel room (1 for 4 of us). Some people threw in some money for my dinner or bought me a drink, some didn't. The hosts are the people that plan the bachelorette. Sometimes this is everyone that attends and sometimes not. Usually a couple people outside the bridal party are invited, though.

I helped plan a joint bachelor/bachelorette party where the best man wanted every guest to pay $20 for the pool rental (this was AFTER the rental was completed and our understanding was that it was free). I just paid it for all the girls outside the bridal party because it didnt seem like their responsibility. Some paid anyway (husbands were invited and told them). I just hate the idea of saying "hey, come to my party! It costs $500 to attend!"

Understood that some people don't mind destination bachelorettes though - I just personally don't like them. But OP, if I were you I'd say "I can afford the hotel room and my flight and meals. (or x amount for the weekend)." Or I'd decline if I hadn't booked anything yet.

lyndausvi

Didn't she say they leave this Friday? 

RebeccaB88

Decline. Easy.

erinlin25

nope not over reacting at all.  This happened to me a few years back.  At first it was just hey you are invited to K's bachelorette on this date. Please confirm whether or not you can attend so we can make reservations (no estimated cost at that point or inclination of what they were doing)...Then it was ok the hotel is this much, dinner is this much, spa is this much, shirts are this much, wine tasting and limo are this much, etc etc etc.  I literally could only attend the Sunday brunch due to having to work Saturday and got such a snarky response from the girl planning the events.  I wrote back saying I originally told her I was only available to attend Sunday events and that she should have asked for people's budgets before booking such high end events.  I went to the brunch and my friend was of course happy I was there (made a 2 hour drive just to go to brunch) but her MOH was such a biatch. Probably because she got stuck paying when majority of the people invited could not afford the cost of the trip.  About half of the guests they "planned" on to start were not able to go, so I know the cost was a lot more than estimated.  Glad I was not in the WP-- the stories I have heard about the MOH were entertaining.

good luck OP.  Hopefully no one else backs out, but whoever is hosting needs to take that into consideration and know that if more people pull out your budget is this much or you yourself will have to decline as well. Plans may need to get tweaked. 

it is one thing to do a big trip, but they should ask for budgets before planning stuff like that!  Of course people want to go, but they do not think what it will cost to be a part of it, and that sh!t adds up!  That is why whenever I get word of the weekend extravaganza's I always decline because I know it will always be more than what is anticipated. 

sarahufl

erinlin25 said:

nope not over reacting at all.  This happened to me a few years back.  At first it was just hey you are invited to K's bachelorette on this date. Please confirm whether or not you can attend so we can make reservations (no estimated cost at that point or inclination of what they were doing)...Then it was ok the hotel is this much, dinner is this much, spa is this much, shirts are this much, wine tasting and limo are this much, etc etc etc.  I literally could only attend the Sunday brunch due to having to work Saturday and got such a snarky response from the girl planning the events.  I wrote back saying I originally told her I was only available to attend Sunday events and that she should have asked for people's budgets before booking such high end events.  I went to the brunch and my friend was of course happy I was there (made a 2 hour drive just to go to brunch) but her MOH was such a biatch. Probably because she got stuck paying when majority of the people invited could not afford the cost of the trip.  About half of the guests they "planned" on to start were not able to go, so I know the cost was a lot more than estimated.  Glad I was not in the WP-- the stories I have heard about the MOH were entertaining.

good luck OP.  Hopefully no one else backs out, but whoever is hosting needs to take that into consideration and know that if more people pull out your budget is this much or you yourself will have to decline as well. Plans may need to get tweaked. 

it is one thing to do a big trip, but they should ask for budgets before planning stuff like that!  Of course people want to go, but they do not think what it will cost to be a part of it, and that sh!t adds up!  That is why whenever I get word of the weekend extravaganza's I always decline because I know it will always be more than what is anticipated. 

shirts? Yeah, skip that one.....

MrsMarende

@kiwikiss56 No I am not in the wedding party. 

I also would not mind chipping in for the Bride IF I had been ASKED in advance to do so and not TOLD. This was not mentioned until a week ago. 

I have already booked my flight it was $108. I could cancel my flight I suppose. 

Good point about needing less rooms, I think I will email my friend to see if that is an option.

lc07

I would contact the person planning and let them know that I intend to come and that I have X amount of dollars to spend for X, Y and Z event. And if additional people back out and the cost goes up it may go out of my budget range and I would have to decline as well.

MrsMarende

I guess I am just annoyed that 

1. I am being TOLD not ASKED to contribute for the BRIDE 

2. Costs were not disclosed until a week before and then 4 days before are raised over $100 

3. The BM that backed out did not offer to pay for the portion she committed to after backing out last minute. 

In my experience it is typically the BP that divides the cost of the Bride, unless someone else offers. I was planning to pick up her tab for a dinner and some drinks, but I do not like my generosity being forced on me.

16maybeless

Can I just say something here? When planned in advanced with a very specific set budget in mind that does not change based on attendance, I'm sure destination bach parties can work out just fine. However, I've seen friendships end over them. The last four weddings I've attended or been a part of have included an out-of-state bach party that involved the BMs flying and paying for the bride.

Is this now the norm? Honestly asking.

MrsMarende

Actually the BM that is planning this got married last year. We went to San Diego for a weekend trip. 

This Bach party went Perfectly

- Hotel costs were given upfront 

- We got a cabana at the Hard Rock pool and knew the minimum $500 in food and drinks - we all agreed that between lunch and drinking we would spend $50 per person on this. The bill ended up being more and everyone chipped in for their part. ( I actually offered to pay the Brides portion, because I noticed she was trying to chip in)

- We went to a Beer Festival with a set entrance fee and everyone paid for themselves at the entrance. 

- All meals and drinks were paid for by each person (just like going out on the town) Girls picked up the brides tab here and there, but at their own free will.

I had a great time!

The biggest thing was all set activities were told way in advance along with the costs so you could decide and plan for it. 

The BP paid for the Brides hotel, train ticket and beer festival. There were 3 BM.

@16maybeless I think weekend getaways for Bach Party is becoming more popular, but planning really is key.

JCbride2015

16maybeless said:

Can I just say something here? When planned in advanced with a very specific set budget in mind that does not change based on attendance, I'm sure destination bach parties can work out just fine. However, I've seen friendships end over them. The last four weddings I've attended or been a part of have included an out-of-state bach party that involved the BMs flying and paying for the bride.

Is this now the norm? Honestly asking.

I was invited a couple of years ago to a destination men/women bach in Vegas.  Costs disclosed upfront were roughly $2k per person for a 5 day trip.  I declined right off the bat and there were no hard feelings, but the bride and WP seemed to think that was totally normal and what a bach should be.  They are hard-partying people, though.

One of the first things my sister said when we got engaged was she can't wait to plan a destination bach.  I told her to slow her roll until we hear from other friends because that will probably be out of budget for a lot of people!  Honestly, my perfect bach would be a fun night out locally with my friends, and a super decadent brunch the next morning.

HisGirlFriday13

I think the wedding industry is trying to convince brides and BMs that it's not a "real" or "good enough" bach party unless it's over-the-top and expensive.

Mine was me, my MOH, my two cousins, and a local friend going out for lunch (hibachi!! -- I got to pick lunch!!), and then we toured three local wineries. I had a blast, I got to hang out with my friends, we had a fun afternoon, and no one was forced to spend tons of money. The total cost, per person, was $20, because they all chipped in to pay for my lunch. 

hellohkb

I don't blame you for being annoyed at all! That's incredibly rude. And ditto PP, because other people backed out the cost should be lower. 

LowerEastSiiide

If you are a bridesmaid, you should be splitting the cost for bride- not just the two that planned it. Unfortunately, if you plan to take part in the event, you have to suck it up, pay and be done with it. If you can't do it, don't go. It's like when you go to a group dinner and complain that you only had one glass of wine and others had more. Being a grown up means splitting the bill and accepting that this is what you signed up for

HisGirlFriday13

LowerEastSiiide said:

If you are a bridesmaid, you should be splitting the cost for bride- not just the two that planned it. Unfortunately, if you plan to take part in the event, you have to suck it up, pay and be done with it. If you can't do it, don't go. It's like when you go to a group dinner and complain that you only had one glass of wine and others had more. Being a grown up means splitting the bill and accepting that this is what you signed up for

Again, as usual, you're wrong.

IF OP is a BM THEN she should split the bill BUT ONLY IF she has been consulted before hand about her budget. The other BMs don't get to plan the event they want and foist those costs on other people.

As for the wine thing? Yeah, also no. If I go out to dinner with four friends, I pay for what *I* consumed -- not one-fifth of the total cheque.

Being a grown-up means asking people what they can afford and planning and hosting an event within that price range, not expecting blank cheques from your friends.