Not Engaged Yet

Opinions :)

2

Re: Opinions :)

  • Blackbird230Blackbird230 Connecticut member
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    Seconding @phira. Slow down, relax and know it's ok not to be engaged right away.

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  • Blackbird230Blackbird230 Connecticut member
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    @TwoDimes, I know what you're saying although I think the biggest difference is that OP is already divorced. She already rushed into a situation that ended up being horrible for her. If she had been dating her ex husband for 8 years, then she hasn't had time to know what being single is like.

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  • Blackbird230Blackbird230 Connecticut member
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    No problem @TwoDimes! :)

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  • phiraphira Bahstin member
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    @Kait and her fiance also have been honest with their families about their engagement. And honestly, unlike a lot of younger people on the forums, she hasn't been extremely prickly and sensitive when people have pointed out that she's young and hasn't been with her fiance for [insert admittedly somewhat arbitrary length of time here].
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    bethsmilesKeptInStitchesBlackbird230kaitlynmichelle
  • phiraphira Bahstin member
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    @TwoDimes Yes, I do remember that! And the fact that she listened to us definitely makes me think highly of her; it's hard to do.
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    [Deleted User]KeptInStitches
  • Blackbird230Blackbird230 Connecticut member
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    @TwoDimes and @phira, I love you both! It was definitely a tough decision. It's hard to face something when you think the people closest to you may disapprove. However, it really was for the best. FI and I aren't planning. We're focusing on moving in. We just recognize the commitment and agreement to get married in the future. (2016 probably.)

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  • GoldenPenguinGoldenPenguin Upstate NY mod
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    Can I ask a very serious question? 

    Why be engaged if you aren't even thinking about planning a wedding until 2016? I love my boyfriend, and we have the commitment to get married someday, but we're not engaged. We'll BE engaged when we decide it's time to plan a wedding/marriage. 

    You are young, you knew your family would have a tough time "approving," you haven't even been together for a year, and you haven't even lived together yet. What is wrong with just being boyfriend & girlfriend at this point? 

    If I'm being honest (and that's what I do) I think you're "engaged" just so you can say you're engaged. 



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  • Blackbird230Blackbird230 Connecticut member
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    @BriSox81, we see engaged as knowing the commitment and agreement to be married. As it's come up in many times on this board about whether people are engaged or not, we are in the camp of we know we will be married and we accept it.

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  • GoldenPenguinGoldenPenguin Upstate NY mod
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    That didn't particularly answer any question/issue I brought up, but okay. You can have a commitment and agreement that you're going to get married someday, without calling yourselves engaged, just as much as you can be engaged without a ring/symbol. 

    If you met someone new, and you were telling them about yourself, would you tell them you had a boyfriend or a fiance?

    I still stand by my last point in my previous post. 



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  • phiraphira Bahstin member
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    I have a friend who won't live with a partner unless they're engaged. It actually contributed to the end of her most serious relationship. It's not something for me, but I know she's not alone in feeling that way.
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  • I agree with you @brisox81 --people can totally have a relationship and agree that one day they'll get married, but not be engaged. That's where my bf and I are, we live together, know we'll get married one day, but are not in any hurry to be engaged. 

    However, I also don't think that having a long engagement is a bad thing. If that's what works for a couple. If a couple wants to get engaged to show their commitment to each other that way, and then have a long engagement to save/plan/whatever, that should be fine too. I guess that I just mean it shouldn't matter to anyone, other than the couple, how long their engagement lasts. 
    KeptInStitches[Deleted User]Blackbird230IllusionsDepths
  • Blackbird230Blackbird230 Connecticut member
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    @BriSox81, if a stranger were to ask me, I would say I have a fiance.

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  • Hummingbird125Hummingbird125 New York member
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    I'm in the same camp as @Brisox81. Personally, I just don't understand the point of getting engaged so soon into a relationship especially when you're not planning on actually getting married for several years. Maybe it shouldn't matter to anyone except the couple, but I've been in several situations where it really did bother me. For instance, my 22 year old stepsister had been with her boyfriend for less than a year when they got "engaged". Her boyfriend spent most of that year stationed in HI. They weren't planning on getting married for several years. Yet, at several family functions, my little stepsister introduced him as her fiance, and got a round of congratulations from all my family members. At that point, I had been with now-FI for nearly 3 years, and we had been living together for over 2 years. We'd taken vacations together, spent several holidays with each other's families and had talked about our plans for the future in detail. Yet, she was the one who had a label on her relationship that made it sound more serious,and more committed than mine was. I knew that - especially since they were so young - they would both change and learn so much more about each other over the next few years, and I just didn't understand why they had to say they were engaged, when they didn't even plan on getting married for a while. I don't know, maybe that was just me being jealous and petty, but felt like she just wanted everyone to take her relationship more seriously than they otherwise would have at that point. Anyways, they broke up a few weeks ago, so that's that. 

    @Kait - I don't doubt that you and your SO are perfect for each other, or even that you'll eventually get married, like @BriSox81 I just don't understand the need to put the "engaged" label on things when that doesn't really change anything for you. 
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  • Blackbird230Blackbird230 Connecticut member
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    @Hummingbird125, I understand your experience with your stepsister. The thing is, FI and I are not long distance. We actually spend about 4 nights/days a week together. We were friends/almost dating for about a year before we officially got together. Yes we maybe have been "officially dating" for only 9 months, but that's not how it's seen with our families. Him and I were already best friends. 

    We're having a long engagement because it makes practical sense. We need to save up money for the wedding we want since we don't want to just go to the courthouse. We maybe be young, but that doesn't change anything regarding our relationship or level of commitment.

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  • GoldenPenguinGoldenPenguin Upstate NY mod
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    But you said, in this thread, that you knew your families would have a hard time accepting it. You've also said previously that you sometimes tell people he's your "boyfriend" not "fiancé" because you don't want them to ask to see a ring.

    I also don't doubt that it will work out. And you don't need my, or anyone else's validation to call yourself "engaged." I'm just saying how it looks from an outsiders perspective, and I know I'm not the only one here who feels this way.



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    buddysmom80
  • I just don't understand the whole "well we're not planning a wedding, but we're engaged" I understand that sometimes family stuff, money, etc gets in the way. I have a friend who had a wedding planned six months after his engagement, then had to push it back another six months, etc. It wasn't like "oh hai, let's get engaged, JUST TO BE ENGAGED but not plan"

    FWIW, I think people really need to focus the next step in life and not skip it. Like, if you guys are planning on moving together, focus on that. You don't have to be engaged to live together. 

    Also, I know EVERYONE on here says you don't have to be a ring to be engaged, but I live in an area that 100% of my vendors wanted to see my ring. I had to make vendor appointments around when my ring was at the jewelers being appraised. They also ask a ton of questions on how it happened, what's FI like, etc and I would feel so awkward if I was like "well, we're engaged in our minds, and our families, but to everyone else we're still bf and gf".

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  • Blackbird230Blackbird230 Connecticut member
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    It's fine if people feel that way. I'm living my life as I will just as anyone else. I'm not pre-planning. I'm not doing anything that really is an issue or something that's shunned here. People have their opinions of everyone else and that's fine. 

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  • GoldenPenguinGoldenPenguin Upstate NY mod
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    I think the fact that you ignore the things asked or brought up isn't helping your case. Just saying.



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  • Blackbird230Blackbird230 Connecticut member
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    I don't understand what you're actually asking. All I hear is criticism on how my FI and I have decided to do things.

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  • To play devil's advocate, I got engaged in 2010, and married in 2012.  I had a long engagement.

    I was actively planning my wedding that entire time.  I was in law school, though, so the planning was piecemeal around my busy schedule.

    Do I think there was anything wrong with that?  No.

    Would I have a 2 year engagement again?  No.  It's too much time to obsess about ONE day.
  • Hummingbird125Hummingbird125 New York member
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    Also, I know EVERYONE on here says you don't have to be a ring to be engaged, but I live in an area that 100% of my vendors wanted to see my ring. I had to make vendor appointments around when my ring was at the jewelers being appraised. They also ask a ton of questions on how it happened, what's FI like, etc and I would feel so awkward if I was like "well, we're engaged in our minds, and our families, but to everyone else we're still bf and gf".
    Seriously? That's odd to me. Like - they wouldn't believe you were *actually* engaged without seeing it? On one hand, that sounds really judgmental of couples who are engaged without a ring, but on the other hand, I guess they could be trying to weed out crazy pre-planners who won't actually follow through on anything. Me thinks the latter is more common than the former, unfortunately. If, on the other hand, they're just asking about the proposal to get to know you guys and be polite, ignore everything I just said.
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  • Also, I know EVERYONE on here says you don't have to be a ring to be engaged, but I live in an area that 100% of my vendors wanted to see my ring. I had to make vendor appointments around when my ring was at the jewelers being appraised. They also ask a ton of questions on how it happened, what's FI like, etc and I would feel so awkward if I was like "well, we're engaged in our minds, and our families, but to everyone else we're still bf and gf".

    Seriously? That's odd to me. Like - they wouldn't believe you were *actually* engaged without seeing it? On one hand, that sounds really judgmental of couples who are engaged without a ring, but on the other hand, I guess they could be trying to weed out crazy pre-planners who won't actually follow through on anything. Me thinks the latter is more common than the former, unfortunately. If, on the other hand, they're just asking about the proposal to get to know you guys and be polite, ignore everything I just said.

    I honestly think vendors were doing it out of the goodness of their hearts. I know when I was a hairstylist I wanted all. the. details. because it's how you build a relationship with a client and if you get a client that's like me "ummmm idk what I want" you can get an idea about that person. I did ask the woman who sold me my wedding dress if she got pre-planners and her response was "oh yes. Valentines day is the worst!"

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  • Hummingbird125Hummingbird125 New York member
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    Also, I know EVERYONE on here says you don't have to be a ring to be engaged, but I live in an area that 100% of my vendors wanted to see my ring. I had to make vendor appointments around when my ring was at the jewelers being appraised. They also ask a ton of questions on how it happened, what's FI like, etc and I would feel so awkward if I was like "well, we're engaged in our minds, and our families, but to everyone else we're still bf and gf".
    Seriously? That's odd to me. Like - they wouldn't believe you were *actually* engaged without seeing it? On one hand, that sounds really judgmental of couples who are engaged without a ring, but on the other hand, I guess they could be trying to weed out crazy pre-planners who won't actually follow through on anything. Me thinks the latter is more common than the former, unfortunately. If, on the other hand, they're just asking about the proposal to get to know you guys and be polite, ignore everything I just said.
    I honestly think vendors were doing it out of the goodness of their hearts. I know when I was a hairstylist I wanted all. the. details. because it's how you build a relationship with a client and if you get a client that's like me "ummmm idk what I want" you can get an idea about that person. I did ask the woman who sold me my wedding dress if she got pre-planners and her response was "oh yes. Valentines day is the worst!"
    Oh okay, that makes sense then. I thought they wanted to see it to prove you were actually engaged, lol.
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  • To play devil's advocate, I got engaged in 2010, and married in 2012.  I had a long engagement.

    I was actively planning my wedding that entire time.  I was in law school, though, so the planning was piecemeal around my busy schedule.

    Do I think there was anything wrong with that?  No.

    Would I have a 2 year engagement again?  No.  It's too much time to obsess about ONE day.
    I will be 2 months shy of a 2 year engagement when I will get married in 2015. I echo all of this...way too long to have to focus on one day happening. If I had flexible time off, outside of the summer, then I would definitely have it sooner. Ideally, I wanted this summer for the wedding. With a new job, I just slacked on planning after the proposal so I didn't book til this winter...and missed the summer 2014 boat. I have been asked for months what my date would be. I cannot imagine being engaged and having to say "we haven't set a date yet" over and over again for so long. But that's just me.


  • Blackbird230Blackbird230 Connecticut member
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    Just found this (CLICK) article pop up on my feeds. Just good reading. Agreeing to disagree.

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  • GoldenPenguinGoldenPenguin Upstate NY mod
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    Let's see. I asked:

    Why, if you knew your families wouldn't be crazy about the idea, you went ahead with an engagement?

    Why you are rushing into engagement at a young age after not even being together for a year? (And yes, I get that you were "best friends" before that, but friends =/= actual relationship. There are many different issues that can arise between bf/gf & friends.)

    Why are you rushing into engagement before you've lived together? Living together ALSO brings up potential issues that you don't know about beforehand. I'm not saying it can't work, it's just something to think about. (And no, staying with each other 4-5 nights a week =/= living together.)

    Also, you have stated here before that you still refer to him as your boyfriend sometimes because you don't want people to ask about a ring. So, which is it?

    And I also agree with @bethsmiles that that article is an immature girl foot stomping "I WANT to get married so I AM! So THERE!" Also, extremely eye-roll inducing.



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  • BriSox81 said:
    Let's see. I asked: Why, if you knew your families wouldn't be crazy about the idea, you went ahead with an engagement? Why you are rushing into engagement at a young age after not even being together for a year? (And yes, I get that you were "best friends" before that, but friends =/= actual relationship. There are many different issues that can arise between bf/gf & friends.) Why are you rushing into engagement before you've lived together? Living together ALSO brings up potential issues that you don't know about beforehand. I'm not saying it can't work, it's just something to think about. (And no, staying with each other 4-5 nights a week =/= living together.) Also, you have stated here before that you still refer to him as your boyfriend sometimes because you don't want people to ask about a ring. So, which is it? And I also agree with @bethsmiles that that article is an immature girl foot stomping "I WANT to get married so I AM! So THERE!" Also, extremely eye-roll inducing.
    Totally agree with you (except I don't necessarily think you have to have your family's approval to get engaged). I think living together forces you to learn soooo much more about your partner!! 

    I will say though that the author of the article was actually a guy--not a girl! Which I think is interesting since we see so many young women just itching to get married, but I don't feel like we see that from young men as much! So really it was like an immature guy foot stomping "I WANT to get married so I AM! So THERE!" :)
    [Deleted User]KeptInStitchesGoldenPenguin
  • Im a stocker so sorry you all don’t know me. BUT, my BF and I want to be married. We have picked a venue, our house. We live together, I own the home, and we have 5 acres of land that we can use and 5 that are wooded. We know to be married in our backyard and we need to fix it up, a lot, if we want to hold a nice event at our home so we are going to wait to accomplish these before becoming engaged. We have both know that marriage is a lot of work and we figured that if our relationship could last though living together and fixing up a house and huge yard, then we might be able to make it work in marriage. And it could take us 2 or 3 years to get it to where we want because of other issues that are arising (surgery, job changes, weather ruining our work!), but before we are engaged and get that whole "when's the date" crap we want to ensure we can hold it where we want without a long engagement because right now its just working on the big green mess.

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