Guest list

OnionBreath

We haven't picked our venue yet, or my dress, or anything else... we are planning based on our budget. My parents haven't mentioned anything about money yet if they intend to contribute.

But my mother gave me her guest list ....... now? It includes her hairdresser, whom she's been seeing for 30 years and is a family friend, she says.

Her list includes none of my father's side (they're divorced, but sometimes they see each other) and is about 70 people.  We were hoping for a 60 count total wedding.

Do I bother to talk to her about this now? Or do I just wait until we are ready to make up our guest list?   I'm afraid she's going to start telling people they are invited.

Also, if we plan the wedding we can afford and want..... and they offer us money later, does that mean she gets to invite all these people?

kmmssg

Tell her now that you are planning a 60 person wedding and all of those people will not be invited.  Be nice, but be firm.  Take the stance now that you guys are paying and you are in charge.

Now - if she offers money?  Before you accept it, define EXACTLY what her intentions are.  Are there any strings attached?  What are her expectations?  What does she want that money used for.  Don't let her use it to strictly buy guests on the list.

You need to figure out your true price per person - STD/postage, invitation with postage that includes the RSVP, price of any rentals (linens, dishes, glasses, etc), centerpieces, favors, dinner, drinks, cake/dessert.  Make SURE you figure in all gratuities!  That meal and those drinks will have a gratuity/service charge - usually about 20%.  If you are paying 40.00 per person for dinner, that is not your price per person at all!

If she wants control of everything because she is helping to pay for the wedding, I caution you to really think about that.  If she does want to contribute, maybe choose exactly what services she is paying for.  Above all, wait for her to volunteer he money.

Which brings me to my next point - if you don't have her money in hand, you dont' have her money.  I think most parents are great about coming through with their promises, but over the years, there have been horror stories here about parents pulling out of paying for the caterer as the last payments are due, etc.

Tread carefully here.

delujm0

I think you should sit her down and explain to her that you are planning a small intimate wedding and will be sending no more than X invitations.  Figure out how many invites will go to your and FI's friends, and then split the remainder in half.  give half to FI's parents for their family invtes, 1/4 to your mother for her invites, and 1/4 to your father for his.  Clearly your mother thinks you are planning a much larger wedding than you actually are.  You should manage her expectations ASAP.

 

If your parents offer you money later, be careful about it - if they are contributing they have every right to ask for more invites, and this could become a larger wedding than you actually want.  Weigh your options before accepting money from anyone.  I never thought this was an issue, because when I started planning, my parents each just wrote me a check for the wedding and have expeted to have no input - i always thought that was normal but apparently i am extermely lucky.  The only concession was that i gave my mom 2 invites that i ortherwise wouldn't have (for my sister's FI's parents).

 

FI's parents, on the other hand, have been a complete handful, and have asked for 30 "courtesy" invites for extended family.  Unfortunately for me, FI agrees that these invitations should be sent (even his dad was like "this is dumb none of them are coming, why waste the postage" but FI and his mom were adament).  His parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner and have been really really great otherwise, so I didn't fight it.  If FI was on my side it would be another story, but he agrees with his mom, so there's not much that can be done about it without stating WWIII :-)

offthemarket915

I agree, you should manage her expectations early and often.  It might take a few times to get through that you and FI want an initmate wedding, not a huge affair.   It may take her a little while to let go of the vision she's had of a large wedding where she gets to show you off to her friends.

I'd be careful regarding money...  even if she were willing to foot the bill, would you want all those people attending your wedding?  If not, I wouldn't emphasize the financial aspect as much.

We're paying for everything ourselves anyway, but our goal was an initmate wedding with our nearest and dearest.  We don't want to share this with people we barely know, regardless of whether or not we could afford to double our guest list.

OnionBreath

We are careful about the money part, especially after what I've read on here.

I doubt she is going to offer money, I think she would see that as my dad's responsibility. I am not sure if he thinks about it at all.  I don't want to ask him. I figure as I plan, I will just mention "our budget" and what "we can afford" and if that prompts them to want to offer more, cool. But I don't want it if she gets to say who we are inviting.

I think you're probably right about having the conversatin now but it makes me want to throw up because she is a major over reactor. It's something I will have to deal with until the wedding and possibly for the rest of my life.  

My cousin had 8 people present at her wedding 3 years ago and mom actually brought it up to me as a reason she probably shouldn't attend my cousin's baby shower (not being invited to the wedding).

offthemarket915

I feel for you.  There's enough to deal with without the extra drama.   I can imagine that this will come up in different ways too... will she want to invite people to your shower who are not invited to the wedding, etc.  Do you mind if I ask, are you the only daughter?  Is she pinning her grand vision on you, as her one hope?

offthemarket915

And perhaps you should pick a venue that can really only hold the # you want to invite.  It will be another reason supporting your stance...

Inkdancer

It's perfectly reasonable for your mom to be giving you the list now. The first thing you need to do, before you pick a venue or anything, is decide how many and who you want to invite.

That said, this list is a suggestion.  You do not have to invite everyone on it. You need to sit down and talk to her about the fact that you really want an intimate wedding, with only people who are very close to you.

Remember that this is your wedding and your FI's wedding. If you only want to invite people close to both of you, that is perfectly reasonable.

HisGirlFriday13

I ditto PPs about managing your mother's expectations now.

Also, once you tell her that you're having a small wedding, stop talking to her about the wedding. Don't bring it up, bean-dip her if she does, etc.

The less information she has, the less she can over-react.

I would remind her, though, that she doesn't have the power to invite anoyone, and any verbal invitations she extends she will have to rescind with embarrassment, so she should think about that.

OnionBreath

offthemarket915 said:

I feel for you.  There's enough to deal with without the extra drama.   I can imagine that this will come up in different ways too... will she want to invite people to your shower who are not invited to the wedding, etc.  Do you mind if I ask, are you the only daughter?  Is she pinning her grand vision on you, as her one hope?

I have a brother and a sister. My sister is much younger. My brother is engaged too.

She didn't give him this list.

Jen4948

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I ditto PPs about managing your mother's expectations now. Also, once you tell her that you're having a small wedding, stop talking to her about the wedding. Don't bring it up, bean-dip her if she does, etc. The less information she has, the less she can over-react. I would remind her, though, that she doesn't have the power to invite anoyone, and any verbal invitations she extends she will have to rescind with embarrassment, so she should think about that.

All of this.  The only way to take back control of your wedding is to make very clear what your expectations are and to set and maintain very firm boundaries about what will and won't happen at your wedding.

delujm0

OnionBreath said:

offthemarket915 said:

I feel for you.  There's enough to deal with without the extra drama.   I can imagine that this will come up in different ways too... will she want to invite people to your shower who are not invited to the wedding, etc.  Do you mind if I ask, are you the only daughter?  Is she pinning her grand vision on you, as her one hope?

I have a brother and a sister. My sister is much younger. My brother is engaged too.

She didn't give him this list.

That's weird.  FI's mom's crazy list was exactly what she used for her daughter's wedding 3 years ago.  Why would your mom differentiate between the two?  Could it be that she assumes your father is paying for this one, and she wants to stick it to him, and that your brother's FILs are paying for his, so she'll be nice?

 

Weddings really bring out the crazy in people.

OnionBreath

Inkdancer said:

It's perfectly reasonable for your mom to be giving you the list now. The first thing you need to do, before you pick a venue or anything, is decide how many and who you want to invite.

That said, this list is a suggestion.  You do not have to invite everyone on it. You need to sit down and talk to her about the fact that you really want an intimate wedding, with only people who are very close to you.

Remember that this is your wedding and your FI's wedding. If you only want to invite people close to both of you, that is perfectly reasonable.

I didn't think of it that way. We do have our (mostly complete) guest list already though, and she does know that.  We have been talking about a small wedding since June. 

I have no idea why she didn't give my brother a list. He got engaged around Christmas. I think they will probably have a large wedding. FSIL's father is an attorney. I expect clients to be at this one.

vt&dt

I wonder if your parents are expecting to pay.  It can be awkward to bring up, but you need to decide what you and FI would like to do (accept help if they offer or pay yourselves).  

FI and I assumed we would be paying for our wedding, but were talking to my parents via Skype about looking at venues and my mom sent me a note later suggesting other (some nicer) venues because "we want to give you guys a nice wedding" - I didn't know they were planning on that at all!

I'd sit down with them and talk about it.  Possibly you could start with your budget that you've planned, and that you'd like to keep the guest list to 60 because of the budget - and after including people you and your FI (and FI's family) would like to invite, that leaves _ available for your parents.  A conversation about this will give them the opportunity to offer, if they'd like, to help financially, or will make clear that you and your FI have decided the type/size of wedding you're able to have.

phira

Yeah. Wow. Geez.

1) I strongly recommend planning on a 60 person guest list because you and your partner want that size wedding. Having a small guest list is actually great when you're looking for a venue on a budget; you'll have more flexibility (so many affordable venues were out of our budget because our guest list was over 90 people), and because it's just less expensive to host 60 people than it is to host 100+. Look for venues that are small, and then use that as a reason to keep the guest list small.

2) AFTER you book a venue and you and your partner make your guest list, see if you have any space left. You might not (we didn't). If you have any space, you can let parents know, "We have space to invite 1-2 more guests. Are there are folks you'd like to invite?" By giving them a number up front, and not asking them, open-ended for a list, you'll know that there's no misunderstanding when they give you a list of 30 people. Just say, "Okay, so which 2 people from this list do you want to invite?" or just don't invite any of them.

3) IF your mother (or father) offers to help pay for part of the wedding, you are not being rude or ungrateful if you sit down and ask if there are strings attached. Obviously, there are polite ways to talk about it. "Mom, thank you for your offer; it's really generous! We just wanted to clarify with you what you'd like us to spend this money on," and/or, "We understand that you would like to invite more people, but our venue is too small to add anyone else to the guest list. If that's a problem, then it's okay with us if you don't offer us this money."