My brother...

RusticAtheist

Sadly my youngest brother struggles with an addiction to drugs.  When we selected our wedding party, he had been sober for over a year.  I always want to support his sobriety, and attempts he makes to get and stay sober.  I discussed it with my fiance and we asked him to be a groomsman.  Unfortunately, he relapsed on meth a month or two after that.  He OD'd and nearly died yet again, and then ended up in a ICU psych ward for 100 days where he experienced various delusions.  He was released from the hospital just before the holidays, and I didn't handle being around him too well then.  He has hurt me in the past, and he scares me when he uses.  He's my brother, so of course I love him, but I don't like who I am when I'm around him.

I was very clear with my mother that if he relapsed before the wedding, he would no longer be a groomsman, but at my shower this past weekend she acted surprised.  I don't mean it to be retaliatory in any way.  Yes part of it is that I see being in our wedding as a privilege (not a given just because he's family), and I do not believe that he should be given privileges when he uses.  A big part of it though, is me.  I don't feel like I can count on him to remain sober from now until the wedding, and I don't know what emotions will fly about if he's one of the faces I see as I stand up and say I do to the love of my life.  He's back in sober living now, and I hear he is doing well - but it has only been a month since he was released from the hospital...and our wedding is in just three short months...and I really don't want to be dealing with a relapse and how to handle it with regard to the wedding.  This part is hard, but I think I'm okay with it.

I'm struggling right now with the decision as to whether or not he is even invited to the wedding.  Right now, I left it at him needing to remain sober from now until the wedding.  He could relapse between now and then, and then get sober again - as goes the cycle...but how much time sober is enough?  One month, One week, my mother would be okay with even just one day...  This decision hurts.  This is something I can't take back.  If he is not at my wedding, there is no next time.  I just don't know that I'm doing the right thing here, but I also don't want all of those feelings of fear and hurt to come flooding back on my wedding day when I see him at the table with my family.  Any thoughts, ideas, words of advice?

themuffinman16

I am not a professional as the right thing to do, but I am in a similar situation. I do not talk to my youngest sister anymore because of her drug addiction.  I know it's hard, because you still have a relationship with your brother, but I think he should not be invited to the wedding.  I would talk to him personally, and tell him you are not doing this to spite him.  You are doing this because it is such a huge moment for you, and there is no telling where he will be in his recovery. (Also if alcohol is served at this event, that might lead to lower inhibitions to use, on you wedding day.)  Addicts think they are just like everyone else who enjoy a drink socially, but they cannot control themselves. It's a bad situation to be in, and I know how hard it must be.  While orchestrating this wedding, you must realize that it is a pretty important day, I would not invite anyone that would cause a scene, be aggressive, use drugs, etc. on your wedding day... no matter who they are. You are right that you only get one day for your wedding.  There are no do overs, but if he shows up with drugs in his system, I fear that you will regret having a wedding at all. Large events like these are very difficult for addicts.  It's a lot of pressure for someone who hasn't been sober for a while. But, if he continues to be drug free, there are many more events to come where he can be a part of your future, if he gets his act together.  Best of luck

Wzz

i think you need to find an Al Anon group to get some support from people who deal with having a loved one with an addiction.

 

believe me, i am all about cutting people out. but if you're having trouble with your decisions, you need to speak with people who are or have been in your place.

hlvonb

RusticAtheist said:

Sadly my youngest brother struggles with an addiction to drugs.  When we selected our wedding party, he had been sober for over a year.  I always want to support his sobriety, and attempts he makes to get and stay sober.  I discussed it with my fiance and we asked him to be a groomsman.  Unfortunately, he relapsed on meth a month or two after that.  He OD'd and nearly died yet again, and then ended up in a ICU psych ward for 100 days where he experienced various delusions.  He was released from the hospital just before the holidays, and I didn't handle being around him too well then.  He has hurt me in the past, and he scares me when he uses.  He's my brother, so of course I love him, but I don't like who I am when I'm around him.

I was very clear with my mother that if he relapsed before the wedding, he would no longer be a groomsman, but at my shower this past weekend she acted surprised.  I don't mean it to be retaliatory in any way.  Yes part of it is that I see being in our wedding as a privilege (not a given just because he's family), and I do not believe that he should be given privileges when he uses.  A big part of it though, is me.  I don't feel like I can count on him to remain sober from now until the wedding, and I don't know what emotions will fly about if he's one of the faces I see as I stand up and say I do to the love of my life.  He's back in sober living now, and I hear he is doing well - but it has only been a month since he was released from the hospital...and our wedding is in just three short months...and I really don't want to be dealing with a relapse and how to handle it with regard to the wedding.  This part is hard, but I think I'm okay with it.

I'm struggling right now with the decision as to whether or not he is even invited to the wedding.  Right now, I left it at him needing to remain sober from now until the wedding.  He could relapse between now and then, and then get sober again - as goes the cycle...but how much time sober is enough?  One month, One week, my mother would be okay with even just one day...  This decision hurts.  This is something I can't take back.  If he is not at my wedding, there is no next time.  I just don't know that I'm doing the right thing here, but I also don't want all of those feelings of fear and hurt to come flooding back on my wedding day when I see him at the table with my family.  Any thoughts, ideas, words of advice?

@RusticAthiest

I had a situation with a bridesmaid who was sober and then went back to alcohol (long story short). Here's a link to my post about it. Maybe some of the replies here will help you too.

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/981385/to-have-or-to-hold#latest

MrsMack10612

@RusticAtheist - I had a similar situation last year in re: to my nephew.  He is a user of whatever he can get his hands on.  In fact, this year on Christmas day he was so whacked on whatever, he could barely open his eyes.

He is also my godson.  He and I were always close when he was a little boy (he's 23 now); now that addiction and other illnesses have taken over his life he is not the same person.  He has been violent with his mother (my sister), other people, he has stolen from many family members.  I was petrified of what would happen at my wedding if I invited him.  Then I thought, how would I feel if I didn't invite him.  Would I regret it?  Would I regret not giving him the chance to act "human" for one day? 

I made the choice to send him the invitation.  His mom made sure he was appropriate dressed (and bathed), friends and family made sure he had transportation to and from and I had MANY folks that were on alert if he got out of hand, wasn't sober, whatever.  He was also threatened with pain of death by my sister if he wasn't on his best behavior.  He also knew that this was a privilege he was being granted.

Turns out it was the right decision.  He showed up, clean (or at least not immediately under the influence), sober (I know he had a couple cocktails, but he was also watched very closely) and it went very well.  I did not get to spend a lot of time with him, because, well wedding day; but I know he was there and I was glad for it.

All that long story to tell you this.  At least send the invitation.  Even if he is unable to attend because he has relapsed, you will most likely have less guilt or regret about not even doing that.  If there are any family members that he is more open to listening to, have them talk to him about how important it is for him to keep it together that day.  My nephew has very little empathy for others left (sometimes I think he boarders on being a sociopath), but he knew how important this was to me and he wanted to be there.  Perhaps the same can be said for your brother.

edandy

I think you still need to send the invite. I understand not wanting him in the party anymore. You should talk to him and make sure he knows that it's more about him needing to take care of himself rather than as a punishment because you don't like that he relapsed. I'm sure your wedding is the last thing on his mind, and if he even thought about it he might be relieved that he doesn't have to worry too much about being a groomsman. If you think he would cause trouble at the wedding have another family member sort of "babysit" him and make sure he goes home when he needs to. I believe that his addiction needs are more important than your wedding needs at this point, if you are close and you love him. You both might regret him not being invited later on down the road. Of course, I don't know the full situation, but I honestly think it doesn't hurt at all to make sure he's still at least invited. 

emilie250

This is such a hard situation. I tend to agree with everything themuffinaman said. You didn't mention much about the dynamic with your brother and I think that would affect what you ultimately choose. If your brother doesn't feel spite or anger towards you, then maybe it would be a positive experience to invite him like it was for MrsMack (PP). On the other hand, if there is jealousy or other negative feelings, it could turn ugly. My grandmother is an alcoholic and she's vicious when she's drunk. I'm not dramatizing at all when I say that she tried to sabotage my aunt's wedding. She peed in the limousine on the way to the church and was sitting beside my aunt, she told my aunt that she wasn't a very beautiful bride and that she'd be much happier if she had chosen a richer man….. and the list goes on… I'd be careful if there is underlying animosity.

abeltran731

I can't imagine how difficult this decision is for you, and how emotionally taxing this is for you and your family.  I have had very little experience with a loved one and addiction, but I have seen the damage it can do to families. With that said, I think you should talk to your brother, you clearly care so much about him and like you said, you don't get a do-over on this. Try and be open and honest, and positive with your desire to have him there clean and sober. Make it clear to him how much more special  the day would be to start this new chapter of your life and see his face there bright and sober to cheer you on. Talk to him about the risks and your worries. Keep the seat open, tell him you're holding the invitation, and it's his if he maintains his sobriety until your wedding day.

You never know maybe that little bit of support from you might help keep him going, and give him something to look forward to. Just my two cents, you have to do what you feel is right.