Somebody shut me up

JCbride2015

I've mentioned before that FBIL and his Fi (now my FSIL) are getting married this summer, and I'm super excited for them.  I love love love his Fi and I'm psyched to have her as a SIL.  

But!  They are etiquette-clueless.  FSIL already mentioned they are having a B-list, and I just found their wedding website and they have a Honeyfund.  Not only that, but the Honeyfund is mentioned on other pages of the website which I find extra tacky.

I know, I know I can't say anything to them.  It just drives me crazy because FMIL is etiquette-clueless too, and all together it's like this tide of tackiness Fi and I have to swim against.  They are such sweet people, the kind who would just think, "Our family and friends love us, and they were going to get us gifts anyway, of course this is okay!"

I just need encouragement to grit my teeth and bear it.  I'm also going to try to start posting fewer identifiable details, because with all the other weddings in Fi's family, it's not crazy that one of them might come on these boards...

ChemFanatic25

Recommend she come to the knot to get some ideas for the wedding and while she's at it to check out the forums especially if she is stressed and wants to vent. Tons of helpful ladies!

climbingsingle

I have a feeling that my brother and his FI's wedding will be sort of tacky too. I love them both dearly, but I can kind of already tell...

JCbride2015

ChemFanatic25 said:

Recommend she come to the knot to get some ideas for the wedding and while she's at it to check out the forums especially if she is stressed and wants to vent. Tons of helpful ladies!

I know... that would be a great idea if I actually didn't want her to find out who I am.  I posted about the family a lot during Christmas and theoretically she could dig through my posts and find that.

I actually gave her them A Practical Wedding for their engagement, which I'm pretty sure has some mentions of not treating your family like a piggy bank for your wedding/honeymoon.  Maybe she they didn't read it or don't care.  I think that's the most I could appropriately do.

(Seriously, I need to stop mentally putting wedding responsibility on the bride.  I just assume it's her behind all this, but it might not be.)

ChemFanatic25

I totally understand where you're coming from. I don't think my FFIL's gf (FI?) would be too thrilled to see my posts, though I did only post once about her.

Books are great especially for reference. I would keep what you gave your FSIL with my wedding binder but that's because I like to do research and make sure I'm following protocol and gather ideas and when things are at hand it makes it so much easier. 

kns1988

Just curious, in what way are they having a B-list?  Is it a tiered wedding?  

I think I kind of have a B-list, but I don't like calling it that. When we get back our first round of invitations, we can invite a second group of people if we have space (FI's former coworker friends that are scattered across the country; FI works in the camping industry).

pinkcow13

It sucks when you really want to say something, but shouldn't. One of my close friends is having a honeyfund. Funny thing, my family or FI family are not the etiquette bunch. I have only been to a few weddings (I'm like the the first one of my close friends to get married), and except for maybe 3 of them, they have all had some sort of etiquette breach - PPD, cash bar, etc. So, when my friend told me she was having a honeyfund,at the time -  I never heard of that.  I thought maybe that's what people do now? Especially with technology being what it is. I thought maybe I was the only one who thought it was tacky, so I posed the question here on TK, and someone told me that basically you do not ever have a honeyfund, and she provided reasons why (I didn't even know they had fees, but of course it makes sense that they would)!

So I am super grateful for TK. I tried to sway my friend into coming here more often, but she won't. Now I  don't want her to because she might see my posts lol. I guess there is only so much you can do, you gave them the book. Unfortunately they did not do more research, and that's really on them.

pumpkinsandturkeys

kns1988 said:

Just curious, in what way are they having a B-list?  Is it a tiered wedding?  

I think I kind of have a B-list, but I don't like calling it that. When we get back our first round of invitations, we can invite a second group of people if we have space (FI's former coworker friends that are scattered across the country; FI works in the camping industry).

Thaaaaat's a B-list, and it's a big etiquette no-no.

It's like saying, "You're not good enough to make the cut for our 'must-have' wedding guest list, but you're good enough to fill in empty slots if other people decide not to come."

PolarBearFitz

pumpkinsandturkeys said:

kns1988 said:

Just curious, in what way are they having a B-list?  Is it a tiered wedding?  

I think know I kind of have a B-list, but I don't like calling it that I cannot face my rudeness. When we get back our first round of invitations, we can invite a second group of people if we have space (FI's former coworker friends that are scattered across the country; FI works in the camping industry).

Thaaaaat's a B-list, and it's a big etiquette no-no.

It's like saying, "You're not good enough to make the cut for our 'must-have' wedding guest list, but you're good enough to fill in empty slots if other people decide not to come."

Seconded. That is the definition of a B-list and I imagine you don't like labeling it that because it's terribly rude to be doing it. Please do not do that to people.

kns1988

Damn, I definitely didn't come up with that idea on my own. I read that that's the way to do it, and I think I read it on the Knot. Welp, the more you know (invites haven't gone out yet so this is fixable).

pumpkinsandturkeys

kns1988 said:

Damn, I definitely didn't come up with that idea on my own. I read that that's the way to do it, and I think I read it on the Knot. Welp, the more you know (invites haven't gone out yet so this is fixable).

Yay!

Definitely don't go bigger than you can afford, but really think about who you would miss if they weren't present, and who absolutely must share this day with you. You're not obligated to invite those who aren't close with you two just because you think you 'should' or it would be a nice courtesy to do so.

A B-list is never necessary. Usually, those who are on it are the people who don't really care one way or another if they go to your wedding.

kns1988

Side note: I'm usually very etiquette-conscious, but I'm just clueless when it comes to weddings. All of this is new to me, so I'm very thankful for these boards. You'd think it would be common sense, and a lot of it is, but I still find myself getting suckered into following bad advice sometimes. 

PolarBearFitz

@kns1988 - As much as I enjoy the knot they put out some terrible advice sometimes...

Glad you can fix it!

melbelleup

JCBride2014 said:

I've mentioned before that FBIL and his Fi (now my FSIL) are getting married this summer, and I'm super excited for them.  I love love love his Fi and I'm psyched to have her as a SIL.  

But!  They are etiquette-clueless.  FSIL already mentioned they are having a B-list, and I just found their wedding website and they have a Honeyfund.  Not only that, but the Honeyfund is mentioned on other pages of the website which I find extra tacky.

I know, I know I can't say anything to them.  It just drives me crazy because FMIL is etiquette-clueless too, and all together it's like this tide of tackiness Fi and I have to swim against.  They are such sweet people, the kind who would just think, "Our family and friends love us, and they were going to get us gifts anyway, of course this is okay!"

I just need encouragement to grit my teeth and bear it.  I'm also going to try to start posting fewer identifiable details, because with all the other weddings in Fi's family, it's not crazy that one of them might come on these boards...

I'd suggest to her the knot I've suggested the knot to all of my friends and family. It really is the best way to avoid etiquette issues.

JCbride2015

@kns1988 Glad you realized!  Yes, this is exactly what a B-list is, and it's terribly rude.

@melbelleup I don't want to suggest TK forums because 1) we don't normally talk wedding stuff, but mostly 2) I have mentioned this couple in a few of my other posts and if she really was trying, she could figure out who I am.

melbelleup

JCBride2014 said:

@melbelleup I don't want to suggest TK forums because 1) we don't normally talk wedding stuff, but mostly 2) I have mentioned this couple in a few of my other posts and if she really was trying, she could figure out who I am.

True. Maybe just keep buying her books or print her out articles lol. Or casual mention "did you ever get around to reading that book? It's helping me a lot with my wedding"

[Deleted User]

Just as an FYI:  http://abcnews.go.com/Travel/honeymoon-registries-tasteful-tacky/story?id=18764022

JCbride2015

NMP35 said:

Just as an FYI:  http://abcnews.go.com/Travel/honeymoon-registries-tasteful-tacky/story?id=18764022

Ehhhh..... if you have to ask, I think the answer is still "tacky."  It's like if you have to ask if your dress is too tight-- it's too tight.  Plus Anna Post is an etiquette nightmare.

I understand honeymoon registries are getting more widely used.  I just still find them cash-grabby and somewhat deceptive.  Most (but I will concede not ALL) Knotties would agree with me, I think.

I don't really see the point of bumping this thread.  But hey!  In case anybody wants an update.... so far I did indeed give her the APW book, so not anything etiquette heavy, just a little common sense advice.  I've mostly just avoided bringing up our weddings with them.  The only problem that has arisen is FBIL/FSIL have way more of Fi's family as BMs, so I'm getting pressure to do the same as I recently posted.