What role should my step-daughter have at the wedding?

MuttiSigyn

Not really sure what board this should go under, so I'm putting it here.

My step-daughter-to-be, who I have raised since she was 11 months old, doesn't know what role she would like to have in her father and I's wedding. She will be seven 1/2 at the time of the wedding, but is currently only 6. We asked her if there was any specific role she would like as soon as we set the date and she immediately said that she wanted to be a flower girl, which was absolutely fine. Then, when I asked my best friend to be my Maid of Honour, she changed her mind, and said she wanted to be a bridesmaid, which was also completely fine. Then, she changed her mind again when my FI asked his sister to be his Best Woman, and said that she too wanted to be the Best Woman. Again, this was fine. However, almost every week since then she has changed her mind as to which role she actually wants. We thought it might be because she wanted to be the Maid Of Honour, but when we asked her, she said she didn't want to be the Maid of Honour.

We are both happy for her to do whatever she wants; she doesn't even have to be in it, if she doesn't want to, but we do need to know what she wants so we can get on with everything else. Can anybody help?

artbyallie

Why do you have to know now if your wedding is over a year away? You don't need to know until you print the programs. You can't buy her a dress now; little girls can grow quickly at times, so you'll want to wait until no more than a month or two beforehand. And what dress she wears won't make a difference to her role either as she doesn't need to match anyone. Let her change her mind every week. She'll figure out what title she likes the best by the wedding and then you can put that in the program.

HisGirlFriday13

Ditto allie. Let it go until a few months before the wedding. She's six; her mind is going to change a bazillion times by then. 

Also? Not everyone needs a title. Just let her wear a pretty dress and walk down the aisle.

zitiqueen

MuttiSigyn said:

Not really sure what board this should go under, so I'm putting it here.

My step-daughter-to-be, who I have raised since she was 11 months old, doesn't know what role she would like to have in her father and I's wedding. She will be seven 1/2 at the time of the wedding, but is currently only 6. We asked her if there was any specific role she would like as soon as we set the date and she immediately said that she wanted to be a flower girl, which was absolutely fine. Then, when I asked my best friend to be my Maid of Honour, she changed her mind, and said she wanted to be a bridesmaid, which was also completely fine. Then, she changed her mind again when my FI asked his sister to be his Best Woman, and said that she too wanted to be the Best Woman. Again, this was fine. However, almost every week since then she has changed her mind as to which role she actually wants. We thought it might be because she wanted to be the Maid Of Honour, but when we asked her, she said she didn't want to be the Maid of Honour.

We are both happy for her to do whatever she wants; she doesn't even have to be in it, if she doesn't want to, but we do need to know what she wants so we can get on with everything else. Can anybody help?

What do you need to get on with that is completely dependent on a 6-year-old making a decision RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW?

MairePoppy

That's decision could be made the morning of your wedding, or the day you print programs, if you're having them. In the meantime, stop asking her. If she says 'I want to be the fg, bm, rb etc.....' just say 'That's nice.' As long as she's not insisting on being the bride, it's fine.

MuttiSigyn

Okay, I get it, I'm way too early to be worrying about this. It's purely because my little sister fancies being an adult flower girl, but I think having a child and adult flower girl would be weird.

Teddy917

MuttiSigyn said:

Okay, I get it, I'm way too early to be worrying about this. It's purely because my little sister fancies being an adult flower girl, but I think having a child and adult flower girl would be weird.

If she wants to be a flower girl (when the wedding comes around) and so does your sister, have them both be. I think it would actually be really cute.

Another thing to consider is does your step-daughter want to actually DO anything. You might want to explain to her what each person does (or doesn't do. She might want a "fun" role where she can throw flowers or whatever as she walks down.

Teddy917

scribe95 said:

Or since she is six and you are the parent you choose her role and tell her what she will be doing.

I can see the logic in this. But I do see a few flaws: What if she isn't comfortable with xyz role? And letting her make an important decision like this will show her that her wishes are respected.

Maggie0829

scribe95 said:

Or since she is six and you are the parent you choose her role and tell her what she will be doing.

This is what I was thinking as well.

VerizonGirl

She can be a flower girl or some un-titled nymph that just walks down the aisle.

She can't really be a bridesmaid, because those adult women are the women who have been with the adult bride through her courtship with FI, through thick and thin in their friendship with bride, and now will stand up for her and serve as a marriage witness through the ceremony, and then as a marriage mentor throughout the bride's marriage.  A six-year-old can't do these things.

She can't really be FI's Best Woman.  That person is the person who has been with FI his whole life, his best friend, someone who has been with him through thick and thin throughout time, and now will stand up for him and serve as a marriage witness through the ceremony, and then as a marriage mentor throughout the marriage.  A six-year-old can't do these things.

Maggie0829

VerizonGirl said:

She can be a flower girl or some un-titled nymph that just walks down the aisle.

She can't really be a bridesmaid, because those adult women are the women who have been with the adult bride through her courtship with FI, through thick and thin in their friendship with bride, and now will stand up for her and serve as a marriage witness through the ceremony, and then as a marriage mentor throughout the bride's marriage.  A six-year-old can't do these things.

She can't really be FI's Best Woman.  That person is the person who has been with FI his whole life, his best friend, someone who has been with him through thick and thin throughout time, and now will stand up for him and serve as a marriage witness through the ceremony, and then as a marriage mentor throughout the marriage.  A six-year-old can't do these things.

All of this is so wrong I have no clue where to begin.

MuttiSigyn

VerizonGirl said:

She can be a flower girl or some un-titled nymph that just walks down the aisle.

She can't really be a bridesmaid, because those adult women are the women who have been with the adult bride through her courtship with FI, through thick and thin in their friendship with bride, and now will stand up for her and serve as a marriage witness through the ceremony, and then as a marriage mentor throughout the bride's marriage.  A six-year-old can't do these things.

She can't really be FI's Best Woman.  That person is the person who has been with FI his whole life, his best friend, someone who has been with him through thick and thin throughout time, and now will stand up for him and serve as a marriage witness through the ceremony, and then as a marriage mentor throughout the marriage.  A six-year-old can't do these things.

Are you actually being serious?

Jen4948

Maggie0829 said:

scribe95 said:

Or since she is six and you are the parent you choose her role and tell her what she will be doing.

This is what I was thinking as well.

You could do that, certainly, but given how much drama there's been in this relationship, I'd be prepared for her to refuse to do it or otherwise create more drama.

erinlin25

VerizonGirl said:

She can be a flower girl or some un-titled nymph that just walks down the aisle.

She can't really be a bridesmaid, because those adult women are the women who have been with the adult bride through her courtship with FI, through thick and thin in their friendship with bride, and now will stand up for her and serve as a marriage witness through the ceremony, and then as a marriage mentor throughout the bride's marriage.  A six-year-old can't do these things.

She can't really be FI's Best Woman.  That person is the person who has been with FI his whole life, his best friend, someone who has been with him through thick and thin throughout time, and now will stand up for him and serve as a marriage witness through the ceremony, and then as a marriage mentor throughout the marriage.  A six-year-old can't do these things.

huh?

MairePoppy

@VerizonGirl - are you Karen789?

Kate and her bridesmaids

MuttiSigyn

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

scribe95 said:

Or since she is six and you are the parent you choose her role and tell her what she will be doing.

This is what I was thinking as well.

You could do that, certainly, but given how much drama there's been in this relationship, I'd be prepared for her to refuse to do it or otherwise create more drama.

Are you referring to my relationship? And if you are; What drama?

Jen4948

MuttiSigyn said:

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

scribe95 said:

Or since she is six and you are the parent you choose her role and tell her what she will be doing.

This is what I was thinking as well.

You could do that, certainly, but given how much drama there's been in this relationship, I'd be prepared for her to refuse to do it or otherwise create more drama.

Are you referring to my relationship? And if you are; What drama?

I was thinking of a girl who lives in Scotland? with her mother while her father is getting remarried in Germany and whose mother is telling her wrong things.  Is that your SD-to-be's situation?  If not, I apologize for the mix-up.  But that was the drama I was thinking of.

If she does really want to be in your wedding, I wouldn't force her into a role by using the "I'm your parent, so you'll do as I say" card.  The remarriage of a parent can be very hard for a kid to deal with-especially if their other parent is in the picture.  I'd work together with her to find a role that makes you both happy.

MuttiSigyn

Jen4948 said:

MuttiSigyn said:

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

scribe95 said:

Or since she is six and you are the parent you choose her role and tell her what she will be doing.

This is what I was thinking as well.

You could do that, certainly, but given how much drama there's been in this relationship, I'd be prepared for her to refuse to do it or otherwise create more drama.

Are you referring to my relationship? And if you are; What drama?

I was thinking of a girl who lives in Scotland? with her mother while her father is getting remarried in Germany and whose mother is telling her wrong things.  Is that your SD-to-be's situation?  If not, I apologize for the mix-up.  But that was the drama I was thinking of.

If she does really want to be in your wedding, I wouldn't force her into a role by using the "I'm your parent, so you'll do as I say" card.  The remarriage of a parent can be very hard for a kid to deal with-especially if their other parent is in the picture.  I'd work together with her to find a role that makes you both happy.

Ah, I see. My step-daughter-to-be lives with my FI and I in Germany. She has lived with me since she was 6 months old. Her mother lives in London, and rarely sees her. There is no drama.

I agree with you; a remarriage of a parent can be stressful for a child; both my FI and I went through it, admittedly older than SD is. But it took me a long while to get over the fact that I was ignored in my father's wedding, and I don't want that to happen to SD. Of course we're not going to force her to do anything; personally, I'd rather she was her father's Best Woman, but in the end it's up to her. I just kind of wish she makes up her mind; both the dress she and my sister wears depends on what role she does, and the dresses are being hand made by my mother's best friend. Admittedly, SD's isn't going to be made until just before the wedding, but my sister's is going to be made soon.

Jen4948

MuttiSigyn said:

Jen4948 said:

MuttiSigyn said:

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

scribe95 said:

Or since she is six and you are the parent you choose her role and tell her what she will be doing.

This is what I was thinking as well.

You could do that, certainly, but given how much drama there's been in this relationship, I'd be prepared for her to refuse to do it or otherwise create more drama.

Are you referring to my relationship? And if you are; What drama?

I was thinking of a girl who lives in Scotland? with her mother while her father is getting remarried in Germany and whose mother is telling her wrong things.  Is that your SD-to-be's situation?  If not, I apologize for the mix-up.  But that was the drama I was thinking of.

If she does really want to be in your wedding, I wouldn't force her into a role by using the "I'm your parent, so you'll do as I say" card.  The remarriage of a parent can be very hard for a kid to deal with-especially if their other parent is in the picture.  I'd work together with her to find a role that makes you both happy.

Ah, I see. My step-daughter-to-be lives with my FI and I in Germany. She has lived with me since she was 6 months old. Her mother lives in London, and rarely sees her. There is no drama.

I agree with you; a remarriage of a parent can be stressful for a child; both my FI and I went through it, admittedly older than SD is. But it took me a long while to get over the fact that I was ignored in my father's wedding, and I don't want that to happen to SD. Of course we're not going to force her to do anything; personally, I'd rather she was her father's Best Woman, but in the end it's up to her. I just kind of wish she makes up her mind; both the dress she and my sister wears depends on what role she does, and the dresses are being hand made by my mother's best friend. Admittedly, SD's isn't going to be made until just before the wedding, but my sister's is going to be made soon.

Thanks for the clarification.  With regard to your SD, you might set a deadline: "SD, we need you to decide what role you're playing in the wedding ceremony and tell us by X date so we can buy dresses.  If we haven't heard from you by then, we are going to assume that you want to be a [role] and get you that dress.  You have until then to make up your mind."

arrippa

VerizonGirl said:

She can be a flower girl or some un-titled nymph that just walks down the aisle.

She can't really be a bridesmaid, because those adult women are the women who have been with the adult bride through her courtship with FI, through thick and thin in their friendship with bride, and now will stand up for her and serve as a marriage witness through the ceremony, and then as a marriage mentor throughout the bride's marriage.  A six-year-old can't do these things.

She can't really be FI's Best Woman.  That person is the person who has been with FI his whole life, his best friend, someone who has been with him through thick and thin throughout time, and now will stand up for him and serve as a marriage witness through the ceremony, and then as a marriage mentor throughout the marriage.  A six-year-old can't do these things.

This makes no sense. I was my mom's maid of honor when she remarried and her marriage is still valid.

NYCMercedes

@mariepoppy, wasn't it kristen789? Good pickup, tho.

MairePoppy

NYCMercedes said:

@mariepoppy, wasn't it kristen789? Good pickup, tho.

Yes, you're right. @kristen789. 

What do you think? I had to look at the SN twice because I was certain it was her. Also, this looks like a post and run, same MO as kristen.

@NYCMercedes

NYCMercedes

I just looked at her other postings and it very well could be the same person. Verizon joined in 2006, interestingly. Don't know if you'll get this notification as I don't receive calls anymore even though my preferences are set correctly. @mariepoppy

MairePoppy

TK must be making improvements to the site again ; ) I've had to reset my preferences because I wasn't getting notifications, either. I don't have any new pms so I don't know if that's working for me. 

Mitch617

Maybe you are giving her too much choice. My future step daughter is 5 and will be flower girl. We asked her if she wanted to do that and she was thrilled, and continues to be excited about it because we are talking about how fun it will be and never acted like she should reconsider. If she all of a sudden changed her mind or felt freaked out, we could change her role but leaving it wide open to any role she wants is going to cause her to keep changing her mind. Two choices usually works best. for example with dresses.... At first she was picking different colors every day but now I said "let's do blue or yellow" because those are our wedding colors and she picked blue to match the bridesmaids and now loves looking for blue dresses. Maybe you tell her she can be flower girl or Best Woman, or flower girl or guest of honor, etc.

Rebl90

VerizonGirl said:

She can be a flower girl or some un-titled nymph that just walks down the aisle.

She can't really be a bridesmaid, because those adult women are the women who have been with the adult bride through her courtship with FI, through thick and thin in their friendship with bride, and now will stand up for her and serve as a marriage witness through the ceremony, and then as a marriage mentor throughout the bride's marriage.  A six-year-old can't do these things.

She can't really be FI's Best Woman.  That person is the person who has been with FI his whole life, his best friend, someone who has been with him through thick and thin throughout time, and now will stand up for him and serve as a marriage witness through the ceremony, and then as a marriage mentor throughout the marriage.  A six-year-old can't do these things.

I'm sorry, what? OP, you should disregard this "advice" if you haven't already. And one couple's marriage is not the responsibility of anyone other then themselves. There is no such thing as a "Best Woman" or "Best Man" who is accountable for mentoring the marriage.