Step-daughter wants to change her name, how to tell her mother?

MuttiSigyn

My FI is taking my name when we get married, and his daughter (who has lived with us since she was 11 months old) has told us that when we get married, she definitely wants to have my surname too, since she currently has her dad's surname. I'm actually really happy about this, and so is FI, but we're worried about how to approach the subject with her mother. She's a really good friend of mine, actually, and I've known her since I was 13, and she only sees my step-daughter for 3 days a month (her choice), but I'm fairly sure she won't be very happy about it, and we need her permission to change SD's name.

What would be the best way to breach the subject with SD's mother?

lyndausvi

How old is the daughter?

MuttiSigyn

She's 6.

lyndausvi

Umm, that's tough.  If she was in her teens I would have her tell her mom.   Mom might think it really was her idea and not yours.  

Just go for it I guess.   Start off saying that FI is changing his last name to yours and daughter as expressed interest in doing the same.   Then see where they conversation goes.

BMoreBride6

any possibility of hyphenating or maybe adding the mom's last name as a middle name?

cowgirl8238

I like BMoreBride's suggestion.  I would bring up to her mother that after your FI announced that he wants to change his name that your daughter expressed interest in doing the same.  If she take it well then no worries, if not, then you can offer to compromise.

If she still won't let you change it then i don't know what more you could do.

kmmssg

Well, somewhere in all of this it might good to weave into the conversation that after your marriage the child will not have either of her parents' last name and she would like to keep having the same last name that daddy has.
The mom may decide that if the name is to be changed it will be her last name. She is within her right to do that. the If this becomes a big issue for biomom it might be best to let it go so that the child isn't caught in the middle. I can see where it might be a pretty touchy thing for biomom.

mbross3

I agree with PP. Maybe try hyphenating? 6 is pretty young to be making this kind of decision. Since she has her dad's last name now, and he is changing his, it makes a little more sense to change the daughter's as well. If the mother isn't into the idea, I would suggest just waiting a few years and seeing if your step-daughter is still interested when she's a bit older. I can honestly say, from the child's perspective, that having a different last name as your parents really does not cause much of an issue at all. I don't know how the parents necessarily feel about that, but having a different last name than my parents never caused an issue for me as a kid--if that's a worry!

MuttiSigyn

Interesting to hear that mbross3. I had my both my mother's surname and my father's surname growing up and it caused massive problems, especially in High School, and when I was registering for stuff. When I was 16, and by that time I saw very, very little of my father, I got my name changed to just my mother's surname - which is the surname FI and hopefully SD will have.

In my experience, hyphenating is highly problematic, especially since my surname, FI's surname and SD's mum's surname are all 10+ letters, so that's not really an option. We never thought of using SD's mum's surname as a middle name though, she might be okay with that.

STARMOON44

He's taking your name entirely or adding it before his? If he is dropping his own last name that he shares with his daughter, I think the right answer is clear: he shouldn't! I'm not sure what the rationale is, but I don't see his daughter taking your name as an idea that's likely to go over well, and it clearly matters to the little girl that she share a name with daddy. It may not be ideal for the two of you, but his daughter should come first in this.

JaxInBlue

Agree with PPs about exploring options for hyphenation.  Also, I don't know where you are, but some states in the US allow a wide breadth for using a name socially and not jumping immediately into a legal name change.  It might be possible to have a period, perhaps until your stepdaughter is a little older and can be her own advocate on this, where she opts to use your last name in her day-to-day but her legal records remain unchanged.  I used a different last name (a hyphenate of both of my parents names) for 3+ years before I legally changed my name in my teens; I was able to be addressed by my preferred name at school, in mail, and in most records short of my social security card and birth certificate.  At the time I was pursuing a legal change, my lawyer indicated that short of an adoption or significant emotional event, there would have been great hesitancy on the part of the family court system to change a child's name.

stef42188

MuttiSigyn said:

Interesting to hear that mbross3. I had my both my mother's surname and my father's surname growing up and it caused massive problems, especially in High School, and when I was registering for stuff. When I was 16, and by that time I saw very, very little of my father, I got my name changed to just my mother's surname - which is the surname FI and hopefully SD will have.

In my experience, hyphenating is highly problematic, especially since my surname, FI's surname and SD's mum's surname are all 10+ letters, so that's not really an option. We never thought of using SD's mum's surname as a middle name though, she might be okay with that.

Interesting - I think everyone's experience is different, because I have a hyphenated name and have for my entire life (mom's surname-father's surname, no middle name). Both of my parents kept their birth names, so my sister and I, father, and mother all have different last names, but everyone knows we are a family unit. We never had a problem traveling, registering for school, etc - but we are in a more liberal New England area so it might be different up here. I am also keeping my name when I get married and would hyphenate my kids' names when the time comes.

MuttiSigyn

We live in Germany and they are very strict about the usage of names. You HAVE to use your legal name socially as well.

stef42188

MuttiSigyn said:

We live in Germany and they are very strict about the usage of names. You HAVE to use your legal name socially as well.

Yeah, I mean I wouldn't use FI's name socially if I was keeping my name legally. I would go by Ms. birth name. 

But I think the ideas presented to you have been good so far - broach the topic with the mother and be prepared to compromise. It is excellent that you have a good relationship with the mother, which is ultimately beneficial to your SD. 

antoto

I think it's fine to bring up the subject that SD will not have either of her parents' surnames, but this kid is only 6.  I would personally wait until she is a teen to make a decision like this.  6 year olds have sort of poor decision making skills...

mbross3

stef42188 said:

MuttiSigyn said:

Interesting to hear that mbross3. I had my both my mother's surname and my father's surname growing up and it caused massive problems, especially in High School, and when I was registering for stuff. When I was 16, and by that time I saw very, very little of my father, I got my name changed to just my mother's surname - which is the surname FI and hopefully SD will have.

In my experience, hyphenating is highly problematic, especially since my surname, FI's surname and SD's mum's surname are all 10+ letters, so that's not really an option. We never thought of using SD's mum's surname as a middle name though, she might be okay with that.

Interesting - I think everyone's experience is different, because I have a hyphenated name and have for my entire life (mom's surname-father's surname, no middle name). Both of my parents kept their birth names, so my sister and I, father, and mother all have different last names, but everyone knows we are a family unit. We never had a problem traveling, registering for school, etc - but we are in a more liberal New England area so it might be different up here. I am also keeping my name when I get married and would hyphenate my kids' names when the time comes.

This exactly. We never had any problems and I'm from Chicago, went to public school, etc. So there were plenty of opportunities for issues with the name to arise, but it never did. I guess it depends on where you live, etc. but we never ran into problems or questions about whether we were a family unit. 

MuttiSigyn

mbross3 said:

stef42188 said:

MuttiSigyn said:

Interesting to hear that mbross3. I had my both my mother's surname and my father's surname growing up and it caused massive problems, especially in High School, and when I was registering for stuff. When I was 16, and by that time I saw very, very little of my father, I got my name changed to just my mother's surname - which is the surname FI and hopefully SD will have.

In my experience, hyphenating is highly problematic, especially since my surname, FI's surname and SD's mum's surname are all 10+ letters, so that's not really an option. We never thought of using SD's mum's surname as a middle name though, she might be okay with that.

Interesting - I think everyone's experience is different, because I have a hyphenated name and have for my entire life (mom's surname-father's surname, no middle name). Both of my parents kept their birth names, so my sister and I, father, and mother all have different last names, but everyone knows we are a family unit. We never had a problem traveling, registering for school, etc - but we are in a more liberal New England area so it might be different up here. I am also keeping my name when I get married and would hyphenate my kids' names when the time comes.

This exactly. We never had any problems and I'm from Chicago, went to public school, etc. So there were plenty of opportunities for issues with the name to arise, but it never did. I guess it depends on where you live, etc. but we never ran into problems or questions about whether we were a family unit. 

I grew up in a tiny little village in rural Scotland with a grand total of 400 houses in it. In my Primary School I was the second person in the school's entire history to have divorced parents, and since my Dad lived hundreds of miles away, nobody knew where the second of my surnames came from. So maybe that's why it was so different for me that it was for you two.

But the length is still a factor, as is the fact that we've all got Scottish surnames and we're living in Germany, and the pronunciation isn't always easy, so hyphenating is still a no-go, really.

antoto

I'm a high school teacher and every single one of my students who has a hyphenated last name has asked me to just use one of the names - they find it to be easier.  Despite this my kids will likely end up with a hyphenated last name but I will not be hurt or offended if they want to only use one of those names casually.  

Jells2dot0

JaclyneD said:

Agree with PPs about exploring options for hyphenation.  Also, I don't know where you are, but some states in the US allow a wide breadth for using a name socially and not jumping immediately into a legal name change.  It might be possible to have a period, perhaps until your stepdaughter is a little older and can be her own advocate on this, where she opts to use your last name in her day-to-day but her legal records remain unchanged.  I used a different last name (a hyphenate of both of my parents names) for 3+ years before I legally changed my name in my teens; I was able to be addressed by my preferred name at school, in mail, and in most records short of my social security card and birth certificate.  At the time I was pursuing a legal change, my lawyer indicated that short of an adoption or significant emotional event, there would have been great hesitancy on the part of the family court system to change a child's name.

I think you'll also have to fully understand what is legally required in your state to change names. Depending on the parenting agreement set up (if there is one!), the child may require both parent's permission in a formal, notarized format. If the mom doesn't agree, then it may never happen regardless of what you want.

MuttiSigyn

As I've already said; we're in Germany. And, as I've also said; I've already changed my name; back in Scotland, and it really really easy; you just sign a bit of paper, and it's legal. Since she's a British National, we have to do it the British way, so it'll be exactly the same as when I did it when I was 16. I know exactly what I'm doing with it. If SD's mum doesn't agree, she has to wait until she's 16, but I'm actually fairly sure she'll agree, since it's not as if she has her mum's surname now anyway.

emmyg65

I think this is a discussion for your FH to have with the mother of their child. If they have a fairly amicable relationship, they can decide on things together, since it's their child. Otherwise, I wouldn't change the daughter's name. Six is too young to be making decisions like that. When she's a little older (10? 12?), she can decide then.

pumpkinsandturkeys

I have a bit of a different perspective on this because I've been in the exact same position as your stepdaughter.

My (step)dad was around from the time I was a toddler, and my mother married him when I was 2. I always felt that he was the best father to me, even at a young age, and I lived primarily with him and my mom. I wanted to use the same name as the rest of my family -- the family I lived with. I didn't want to feel like an outsider with the surname of a person whom I rarely saw; it just didn't feel fair, or right.

My bio father was completely against it, and wanted me to keep his name. Because of the way the system works here in Ontario, if one parent contests the name change, it cannot be done until the child turns 12. So I ended up stuck with his name until I was almost a teenager, and I hated every moment of it. I wish that he had listened to me when I told him why it was important to me, and not brushed my feelings aside just to feed his own ego. I may have been young (I had vocalised wanting to change my name since the time I was old enough to recognise that our surnames were different), but I knew what made me comfortable, and keeping his name wasn't it.

I spent my entire childhood using my (step)dad's surname anyway. Legally, it wasn't mine to use, but in school and at any other time when someone had to use my full name, my mom respected my wishes and let them know what the situation was, and asked that they use my (step)dad's surname when addressing me. She would have meetings at the school before the year started and speak with the principal and my teachers and insist that they please not use my legal name, because that's what I wanted. Most were respectful of that. But any time someone failed to do so, I felt highly uncomfortable, and it was a reminder to me that I wasn't 'really' part of the family that I spent all of my time with.

Please don't allow anyone to discount her opinion just because she's 6. I wish that more people had listened to and respected me at that age, because it would have saved me a LOT of discomfort and heartache, especially when it came time to explaining to friends that I had the last name of someone I rarely saw and didn't feel close to because it was forced on me, rather than the name that I knew I should have had.

antoto

@pumpkinsandturkeys  you make a really fair point - but you have to admit that as wise as YOU were when you were that age, not all children are this level-headed.  OP has also not said how involved the mother is in her life.  In your story your biodad was hardly in your life at all, but perhaps this biomom is VERY involved.  The child could just be extremely excited about the wedding, not making a rational decision about how surnames reflect the family that has a strong impact on your life.  Maybe waiting until 6 months or so after the wedding to make sure this isn't the case?

pumpkinsandturkeys

@antoto --You make a fair point. I was rather mature for my age, especially in knowing what I wanted and why. I agree with waiting to ensure that it's not just wedding hype and a passing idea.

However, OP did say that the mother only sees the child maybe 3 days a month -- that's less often than I saw my bio father. They could be fantastic days where they totally bond and have a great time and feel so close to each other, but I feel as though if that were the case, the bio mom would see her daughter more often (unless there are extenuating circumstances, such as work travel, etc.)

MuttiSigyn

@antoto If you read right at the very beginning, you'll find I did say how often SD sees her mother; no more than three days a month, due to the fact that we live in Germany and she lives in England. Even still, they speak rarely, and they aren't close at all.

antoto

MuttiSigyn said:

@antoto If you read right at the very beginning, you'll find I did say how often SD sees her mother; no more than three days a month, due to the fact that we live in Germany and she lives in England. Even still, they speak rarely, and they aren't close at all.

Ah I see, but I also know several of my friends who rarely see one of their parents but are still emotionally attached to them so I didn't want to assume  Thanks for clarifying.  

MuttiSigyn

antoto said:

MuttiSigyn said:

@antoto If you read right at the very beginning, you'll find I did say how often SD sees her mother; no more than three days a month, due to the fact that we live in Germany and she lives in England. Even still, they speak rarely, and they aren't close at all.

Ah I see, but I also know several of my friends who rarely see one of their parents but are still emotionally attached to them so I didn't want to assume  Thanks for clarifying.  

No problem You are right though, most children SD's age aren't as level-headed as pumpkinandturkeys clearly was; most of the time SD isn't either. But she seemed dead set on this, and it COULD be that it's just excitement about the wedding, but I doubt it; we've been referred to by my surname since we moved over here two years ago (for reasons I'm not actually sure of) and she's always wanted to change her name to mine, even when FI wasn't so sure about it.

Simply Fated

You say that it's her biomom's choice not to see her daughter.... but you also say she lives in another country. It's not like she lives one town over. Did Biomom get a choice in how far she lives from her daughter?

I can't speak for Biomom, but I think that if my hypothetical daughter ever wanted to change her last name to my ex-husband's new wife's name, I'd be heartbroken. I'm not biomom, though.


If your SD's age is an issue, can't your fiance just wait to change his name until she's older? And if it's still really an issue, can't everyone just keep the names they have now and still be a family? I honestly think people put too much emphasis on names defining themselves and their place in the family.

MuttiSigyn

@Simply Fated; Yes, SD's mum chose to move away.

When SD was born, she, her mother and FI lived in a flat in Edinburgh. I moved in five months later, with SD's mum's full permission, so that she could go back to University. She left six months later, moved to the other end of the country, and she didn't see her for almost a year after that. So, you can't really blame FI and I for taking her to Germany.

And my FI and SD's mum were never in a relationship, never mind married; she is, basically, the result of a drunken one-night stand. SD was originally supposed to have her mom's name, but changed her mind when she got offered a job down in London, and she didn't want to take SD with her.

The age isn't an issue, as long as SD's mum says yes. Which, honestly, I think she will. FI is going to phone her in just under an hour, and speak to her about name changing then.

BMoreBride6

Just curious, why did he opt to take your name vs. him keeping his or you taking his for the child's sake?  I'm not judging in any way, just honestly curious. 

MuttiSigyn

Em, German people find it really, really hard to pronounce his last name correctly, and have next to no trouble pronouncing mine. And that's basically it.

I also have the entirely selfish reason of being an only child, and am, out of my entire immediate and extended family, the last person to have my surname, and I want my children to have it too, since it's very uncommon, but if FI's name had been easier to pronounce, I probably would have encouraged him to keep his surname.