Ideas for wedding invite wording involving TWO ceremonies in the same day.....

CrazyCatLady3

doeydo said:

I only understand the need for two ceremonies when the bride and groom are two different cultures/religions (ie. Jewish and Hindu).  What you are planning seems kinda of silly, IMO, and as a guest I would just be confused.  So, you are Catholic and would like a Catholic ceremony but he is no religious and therefore wants a non-denominational ceremony.  I think you two need to make a new compromise.  When one person is not really religious but their partner is, they often simply do the religious ceremony that their spouse wants because it is important to them.  There is nothing that the non-religious one is missing out on that I can see so I really don't see the issue with it.  

I don't agree with this.  While I do think the OP should try to come up with a different solution, it may be just as important for her FI to have a secular ceremony as it is for someone who is Jewish to have a Jewish ceremony or someone who is Hindu to have a Hindu ceremony.  The point is that a secular ceremony would reflect his secular beliefs.  If he only just went along with the Catholic ceremony, it gives the impression that he has Catholic beliefs.  Someone above mentioned having non-religious vows for the non-Catholic partner in a Catholic wedding...I didn't know that that was possible, but it may be something to look into.

JoanE2012

mallory&tom said:

ok, I guess I need to clarify some things. I AM Catholic, my fiance isnt. We know we will raise our children Catholic because I was. We are going to take the pre-cana class and go the meetings necessary to fulfill the rules and requirements so we will have a valid marriage in the eyes of the Catholic Church. I will be fulfilling the Sacrament. I will NOT be breaking any rules of canon law - getting married civilly BEFORE our church ceremony would be a sin in the eyes of the church, but that's not what were doing here.

I am not trying to trivialize the Catholic faith by having a second ceremony - in my eyes, we will be officially married after the church ceremony (obviously) but my fiance always pictured having an outdoor/beach wedding, probably officiated by a Justice of the Peace or something along those lines. We are getting married in March so being outdoors is basically out of the question so that's how we came up with this idea of the second ceremony at the reception site. I referred to it as "Non-denominational" ceremony before but maybe thats not the correct term for it. I will view the second ceremony as more of a symbolic ritual. Thats why I said we would incorporate different things like personal vows, since we won't give personal vows at the church, so it will seem different to the guests who decide to come, but also for HIM AND I.

I have to be honest, I am surprised by the criticism I have received here. I was excited to see i had so many responses in a short period of time, but was very taken aback that NONE of them are positive. I was not expecting to be called RUDE for making my guests "wait 3 hours for the reception". I have been to several weddings where there was time in between the ceremony and reception. I would NEVER call a bride or groom RUDE for organizing the wedding they always dreamed of that works for the BOTH OF THEM. If any of my guests are "confused" by my invitation, or don't know what they will do between the church and venue hall, then they clearly have the option of not coming to that portion, which I understand is what some people will do.

Furthermore, it's not going to be 3 hours that my guests have to wait. It will be maybe 2, as I expect the church ceremony will still be around an hour long. Afterwards, there will be pictures at the church, then our bridal party will be traveling and taking pictures.

Also, I would never consider NOT telling all my guests ahead of time (on the invitation) about the accurate agenda of the day. Some of you may not like the idea we have put together for our wedding day, but suggesting we be dishonest with any of our guests and surprising them later "and just do it really briefly" is just plain awful.

So again, my request was for ideas on how to word this on the invitation, so unless you have an idea with regards to that, posting of negative opinions about what we are doing is just unnecessary. I know I am not the first human being to ever organize a wedding this way.

So thanks to anyone in advance who has anything NICE to say.

Don't you think that should tell you something??   If everyone here is saying it, imagine what all your guests are going to be thinking.  The good news is you have time to fix it and host the day properly.  You've gotten plenty of good advice.....I hope you take some of it.

MobKaz

mallory&tom said:

I see what everyone is saying, but don't think my idea is unreasonable or ever was. It just doesn't cooincide with what any of you would do or have done already. But I do know that we should clear this with the church. Before, I figured the church would only be concerned about us fulfiling the sacrament, which we are. The church is aware that my fiance is not catholic, or even baptized into any religion and they expressed no concerns to that, which is why we made the deposit. the church portion is important to me, but not so much to him, so since he agreed to what I was requesting, I want to do the same for him, but incorporate different elements so it will be what he wants too and still different, unique, and special to both of us. Even if  only 10 guests  show up to either ceremony, our wedding day will still go on. Thats why I would want to make it their option - and make it clear on the invite. Again, this is why i wrote on here. I see now this clearly isn't common, therefore is hard to come up with wording that makes sense. I am still confident it can be done, though.

Before you proceed, I would make very sure the church is aware that your FI is NOT baptized.  One of the absolute requirements for a non Catholic marrying is that they MUST be baptized Christians.

WildMagelet

Gaps are rude.  It doesn't matter if you've been to plenty of weddings with them.  There are plenty of Catholic brides on this forum who manage to NOT have a gap.

Wedding receptions are not a party to celebrate the bride & groom, they are a thank you for attending the ceremony.

You will not be able to marry your fiance without dispensation from your bishop if he is not baptized as a Christian.  You need to talk to your priest and give him the full disclosure of ALL of your plans ASAP.

Having two ceremonies is not a compromise.  I wanted a big wedding and FI wanted to elope.  Does this mean we should have a huge wedding ceremony and then elope?  Or Elope and then have a huge wedding ceremony?  No - we compromised on having an intimate, smaller ceremony.  A compromise in your situation I would feel would be asking your priest if you can have a non-denominational minister or JOP co-officiate the ceremony so your FI can have the parts that are important to him included in the same ceremony.  Several brides on these boards have done this and it has worked well for them.

Your guests don't want to watch you pretend to get married again after watching you get married for an hour.  I know you say you don't care if they come to your Catholic ceremony but your Catholic ceremony will be your real wedding and that's the entire point of the day.  PPs have given you plenty of ideas - Exchange love letters the day of, Give toasts to eachother at your reception, Incorporate personal vows after your Catholic vows, Exchange personal vows on your honeymoon, etc.  

None of your friends & family have told you that your idea is bad or rude because they love you and don't want to hurt your feelings.  You'd think that so many blunt, honest comments coming from strangers telling you that this is a bad idea would make you go "Huh, I wonder if someone thinks this is a bad idea but is too afraid to tell me so?"

I'm offended by the notion that your first religious ceremony isn't good enough, and I would be very surprised if your priest and parish didn't find it ridiculous that your Catholic ceremony wasn't good enough either.

[Deleted User]

mobkaz said:

mallory&tom said:

I see what everyone is saying, but don't think my idea is unreasonable or ever was. It just doesn't cooincide with what any of you would do or have done already. But I do know that we should clear this with the church. Before, I figured the church would only be concerned about us fulfiling the sacrament, which we are. The church is aware that my fiance is not catholic, or even baptized into any religion and they expressed no concerns to that, which is why we made the deposit. the church portion is important to me, but not so much to him, so since he agreed to what I was requesting, I want to do the same for him, but incorporate different elements so it will be what he wants too and still different, unique, and special to both of us. Even if  only 10 guests  show up to either ceremony, our wedding day will still go on. Thats why I would want to make it their option - and make it clear on the invite. Again, this is why i wrote on here. I see now this clearly isn't common, therefore is hard to come up with wording that makes sense. I am still confident it can be done, though.

Before you proceed, I would make very sure the church is aware that your FI is NOT baptized.  One of the absolute requirements for a non Catholic marrying is that they MUST be baptized Christians.

That's actually not true. It's not advised to be married to an un-baptized person, or even a baptized person of another faith as it creates difficulties that two Catholics being married to each other do not face and still requires dispensation, but a Catholic is allowed to marry a non-Christian. 

CrazyCatLady3

flutterbride2b said:

Gaps are rude.  It doesn't matter if you've been to plenty of weddings with them.  There are plenty of Catholic brides on this forum who manage to NOT have a gap.

Wedding receptions are not a party to celebrate the bride & groom, they are a thank you for attending the ceremony.

You will not be able to marry your fiance without dispensation from your bishop if he is not baptized as a Christian.  You need to talk to your priest and give him the full disclosure of ALL of your plans ASAP.

Having two ceremonies is not a compromise.  I wanted a big wedding and FI wanted to elope.  Does this mean we should have a huge wedding ceremony and then elope?  Or Elope and then have a huge wedding ceremony?  No - we compromised on having an intimate, smaller ceremony.  A compromise in your situation I would feel would be asking your priest if you can have a non-denominational minister or JOP co-officiate the ceremony so your FI can have the parts that are important to him included in the same ceremony.  Several brides on these boards have done this and it has worked well for them.

Your guests don't want to watch you pretend to get married again after watching you get married for an hour.  I know you say you don't care if they come to your Catholic ceremony but your Catholic ceremony will be your real wedding and that's the entire point of the day.  PPs have given you plenty of ideas - Exchange love letters the day of, Give toasts to eachother at your reception, Incorporate personal vows after your Catholic vows, Exchange personal vows on your honeymoon, etc.  

None of your friends & family have told you that your idea is bad or rude because they love you and don't want to hurt your feelings.  You'd think that so many blunt, honest comments coming from strangers telling you that this is a bad idea would make you go "Huh, I wonder if someone thinks this is a bad idea but is too afraid to tell me so?"

I'm offended by the notion that your first religious ceremony isn't good enough, and I would be very surprised if your priest and parish didn't find it ridiculous that your Catholic ceremony wasn't good enough either.

I don't think they're trying to imply that the Catholic ceremony isn't "good enough," but merely that the Catholic ceremony alone is not representative of her FI.  I highly doubt that the Catholic church will allow a JOP to co-officiate a wedding ceremony in a church because they have very strict rules.  OP, you may want to try posting on the Catholic board to see if they have any ideas for you.  Does your FI insist that the secular ceremony be witnessed by your guests?  You could have your church service and then reception (with no gap), and then have a private secular vow renewal with an officiant on your HM.

jneen101

This sounds like a long ass day.  An hour long mass, then a two hour break of killing time, then another ceremony, then cocktail hour, then reception.  This is like, 8 and a half hours, right?  That's a lot of time for YOUR DAY!!!!!

LondonLisa

Yeah, I'm with everyone else. You two need to sit down and figure out how to compromise. You are asking your guests to sit through 2 long ceremonies. That is a bit selfish in my opinion. You really can only have one wedding ceremony so you two need to compromise about what will be in that. So from your posts this is how you want your guests to spend their day:

Get dressed up/ ready for a wedding

Drive to the Church

Sit through a Catholic wedding

2-3 hour gap

Drive to the beach

Sit through a fake wedding ceremony

Drive to the reception site

That is a LONG day of sitting around and driving!!! I really think you and your fi need to sit down and compromise here, because I would not be in the mood to have a fun evening after sitting around in nice clothes during 2 ceremonies with a huge gap and drive time in between. In fact, I bet a lot of people would leave your reception early because of just being tired and hungry.

If I'm honest, I really like PP's idea about a private vow exchange on the beach on your honeymoon. You could dress up nicely and read out vows to each other at sunset, just the two of you.

lyndausvi

I'm going to be blunt here, I don't care how you word the invite nothing would WANT me see an reenactment  of vows done a mere 2-3 hours after the last set.   Nothing. I barely remember vows as it is, I'm certainly not going to realize the 2nd set were different than the first set. 

More than likely I would just skip the Catholic ceremony.  That way I can see one ceremony and not endure a gap.

Havana2014

I dont necessarily agree with everything posted above but I do think that a gap between the two ceremonies would be unfair on your guests.

Would it not be possible for everyone to travel to your reception venue after the church where you could have a cocktail reception for the guests and you and your husband and close family have a private secular vow exchange.

If I was a guest I wouldn't be totally against attending the second exchange and I understand the reasons behind it, but it would have to be significantly different than the first to capture me and make me feel I was witnessing something worthwhile. Or is there some elements you could somehow incorporate into your reception instead of at the church? Like some sort of unity symbol. Or instead of a speech reciting personal vows at that time?

mysticl

mallory&tom said:

I see what everyone is saying, but don't think my idea is unreasonable or ever was. It just doesn't cooincide with what any of you would do or have done already. But I do know that we should clear this with the church. Before, I figured the church would only be concerned about us fulfiling the sacrament, which we are. The church is aware that my fiance is not catholic, or even baptized into any religion and they expressed no concerns to that, which is why we made the deposit. the church portion is important to me, but not so much to him, so since he agreed to what I was requesting, I want to do the same for him, but incorporate different elements so it will be what he wants too and still different, unique, and special to both of us. Even if  only 10 guests  show up to either ceremony, our wedding day will still go on. Thats why I would want to make it their option - and make it clear on the invite. Again, this is why i wrote on here. I see now this clearly isn't common, therefore is hard to come up with wording that makes sense. I am still confident it can be done, though.

Your entire wedding(s) and reception is optional to the people who attend.  There is no need to "make it clear" on the invite. The gap is rude and annoying.  You mentioned people are local, that doesn't make the gap better.  I'm not going to want to go home in between because then I'm going to want to get comfy and kick back on the couch or do laundry, not keep my eye on the clock to leave again.  And being "local" doesn't make it convenient for people to go home.  That can lead to rushing around and stressed, frazzled people at your reception.  

As for the two ceremonies it would be a huge WTF for most people.  I understand your FI's point of view.  I did not want a religious ceremony in a church but that's what I ended up with.  Was my wedding what I had pictured?  No.  Did I get to have the one thing in my wedding I'd wanted since I was 15?  No.  Do I love my husband enough that those things don't matter in the grand scheme of life?  Yes.  He doesn't even know I gave those things up because it ultimately wasn't worth it to me to make an issue of them.  So what is more important?  A picture in your head of a perfect wedding?  Or a loving marriage?  Compromise means that each party gives something up.  Not that everyone gets everything they want.  

vdonohoe

alm&mdm said:

OP, I think you just list everything on the invite if youre set on multiple ceremonies and let guests decide how much they want to attend. Catholic Ceremony - Location - Time Personalized Vow Exchange - Location - Time Reception to Follow 

I like the wording of personalized vow exchange. You could write some of your own vows, choose readings and it could really add something to the day. So you have your pretty, traditional, church wedding but also something more unique that highlights the personalities of the couple and their relationship between each other. This way it is evident to your guests why you wanted to include two ceremonies. Also, I don't know if you have one of those little wedding websites that includes additional details but that could help offer additional explaining that doesn't belong on a invitation. Some of your guests will enjoy going to a wedding that wasn't exactly like every other one they have been to. You could even have an important person/friend/relative officiate b/c it wont really matter if they are legit, you're already married!