Dealing with loss

tcnoble

So I've been having a particularly rough week. I've been very lucky in life so far. By that I mean I haven't experienced as much loss as many. But this past October my older sister lost her 9 year battle with cancer at the age of 28. We have always had a very strained relationship and cancer brought out the worst in her. We barely spoke for the last year of her life, though before she passed I made sure to tell her I love her.

This is the only major loss I've experienced and it has proven to be a lot harder than I expected. I don't know that I thought it would be EASY, but I know we were "lucky" in that we got to say our goodbyes and she wasn't taken from us suddenly. My family has always been and remains super close - I still live at home (I'm 25) with my parents and two sisters. So we have had each other to lean on through the diagnosis, treatment, and her passing. But, and I'm sure this is somewhat normal, her death isn't talked about casually yet.

That being said, the last few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. Tuesday was World Cancer Day. And to be honest? Fuck cancer. Cancer makes me SO angry. I think that's where a lot of my unrest comes from, I'm just so angry she had to go through it and suffer until she passed. SO angry.

I guess I'm just hoping to find some comfort and maybe hear some words of wisdom from others who have experienced loss. I know it will get easier, but that light seems so far at the end of this tunnel right now.


Here's a picture of my beautiful sister, she got to visit San Francisco during a time when she was in remission about two years ago and fell in love with the city. This is one of my favorite pictures of her. Rest in Paradise, Amanda Marie.

JCbride2015

Wow, your sister was so beautiful!  What a smile.

I am lucky and cannot give you any advice based on personal experience.  But I think it makes perfect sense that her loss is still difficult for you.  It's only been a few months.  Give yourself the time and space you need to grieve and process what has happened.

And fuck cancer.

smalfrie19

I am so sorry. I can't imagine what you are going through. The thought of losing my sister terrifies me to my very core. Take time. Let yourself heal. There is no right way to grieve. Be good to yourself. 

jdluvr06

I am so sorry.

pinkcow13

I am so sorry for your loss. And your sister was really beautiful. I lost my grandmother and aunt to cancer when I was a kid, my grandfather to cancer when I was 22, and my cousin was diagnosed with ovarian cancer a few years ago - luckily it was caught early and she is in remission. Horrible disease, yes fuck cancer. Most recently I lost my other grandmother (in August). It hurts, and do know that it will get easier. You need time to let yourself heal, think about the good times you shared, cry if you need to, and most importantly know that your sister is now in a better place. No more suffering, no more pain, no more treatments, no more cancer. It takes time, but you will get better and eventually the pain will lessen. Again, I am really sorry for your loss.

firebabe6519

I'm sorry for your loss. Lots of T&PS! At least she doesn't have to suffer through cancer and worse the treatments for it any more.

I hope you find peace and comfort!

Cookie Pusher

I have gone through more loss in my life than I can even fully go into (let's just say attending a dozen or more funerals a year is pretty normal for me). The only things that have really helped are time and support. And by support, I don't mean anything specific because every person and every loss needs a different type of support. Some people are talkers, some people are criers... the important thing is to let people be there for you in whatever capacity you need them to be, and to be there for your family in whatever way they need you to be there.

It has only been a few months, so give yourself time. Grieve. Cry. Be angry if you need to. Express your feelings. Get counseling if you feel the need to. Don't go through this alone and don't bottle up your feelings. While time won't make the hurt go away, it will help temper the pain of your loss with the wonderful memories you shared with your sister.

(((((HUGS)))))

sarahufl

Lots and lots of cancer in my family. And it sucks. Hard. It is literally the worst thing I can imagine.

Sorry to hear about your sister, that has to be awful. It will take awhile but don't feel like you have to "get past" things. Take your time.

It may help to volunteer with the American Cancer Society or something, do something with cancer awareness. But don't worry about being upset, it would be odd if you weren't.

ChemFanatic25

I agree OP, fuck cancer. I am really sorry you are going through this. While I did not loose my father to cancer, I did recently loose him and even now it's hard to think about it without wanting to burst into tears. My heart goes out to you especially because I can sympathize. 

Your sister is a beautiful woman and so are you for being by her even when it got difficult.

kmmssg

You sister is beautiful and she had a really lovely smile.

I lost my parents as a child, lost my guardians (aunt and uncle) to cancer after I became an adult, lost my rockstar MIL to cancer, one of my brothers to cancer in 2006, and another brother died of a massive heart attack 6 months earlier (also in 2006).  I also lost my grandparents but you kind of expect that to happen.  You DON'T expect to lose your siblings and that was, by far, the worst experience of my losses.

All I can tell you is that it takes time to adjust to what the new "norm" is.  You knew what it was like to have your sister here - that WAS your norm.  Now you have to learn what that looks like and what that feels like to have her not be here and to go on with your life.  I hate the term "getting over it".  You don't.  You learn to adjust and live with the new norm you have been given, but you don't "get over it."

Grief counseling and therapy were life savers for me.  If you aren't in a position to get indidual counseling contact a local funeral home and ask them for contact info on grief support groups.  It can be very comforting to sit among other people who are in your shoes, learning a new way of life.  Sometimes they are the one to help you in the next step of your journey, and sometimes you can do that for them.

I also encourage you get a journal.  Write whatever you need to get out.  Keep it private.  If you want to be mad at your sister for dying, get it out.  Sound crazy?  Well you should have seen 18 yo me who was super pissed at my 8 years dead mother for not being there when I was graduating high school!  It happens.  It is ok.  Get it out.

My BFF's dad was dying of cancer several years ago.  Super sweet awesome man - I really loved the guy.  My BFF adored him.  I went to Barnes and Noble, bought her a really nice journal and a really nice pen and told her to write whatever she needed to get out.  All these years later she will still mention how helpful that was.

I really am sorry for your loss.  You don't expect to lose a sibling and it makes no sense at all.  It makes you angry, it screams "this isn't fair" in your face all the time, and it is very hard to find a place where you can "put that loss" and move on.

I really encourage you to be kind to yourself, know that your feelings are quite normal, find a support group or therapy, and get a really nice journal and pen.  Many hugs to you my friend.

 

climbingsingle

I'm so incredibly sorry. Your sister was beautiful. I wish I had some words of wisdom. Just give yourself time to grieve. Whatever your feeling is OK. 

SmileDamnit

I have absolutely zero words of wisdom, but I do have a big ol' virtual {{HUG}} for you. I'm sorry that your family has to deal with such a loss. I can't imagine that level of hurt

tcnoble

Thank you all for your words and support. It does help to hear different perspectives and understand that it is OKAY to be mad and cry and have bad days. It's a huge comfort knowing she isn't dealing with cancer anymore because she deserves the peace after 9 years of it, but there's still that hole there that will take some time to heal. Thank you again ladies

lc07

There is a quote that goes something like, "Time doesn't heal all wounds. It just shows you that you're strong enough to live with all of that pain." 

While I don't have first hand experience of what you're going through, I find it helpful to allow myself to feel whatever it is that I feel, instead of "shoulding" myself. Journaling has also helped me in difficult times. It has shown me that I have made progress and without it I think it would have been difficult to remember the small triumphs because the bad seems to so easily outweigh the good moments sometimes. 

I also would encourage you to seek counseling. 

Artemischief

I lost my father to cancer in the middle of my senior year of college, 2 days before Christmas. It's hard and I don't think people can ever "get over" a loss like this. Seeing a person you love in pain is very hard. To help myself begin healing I spoke with a counselor. She said very little, but it was a huge help. I also took up abstract painting to show my own journey through the ten year process with my dad. Like you, our relationship was very strained, but we made our peace with each other before he passed. I was able to tell him why I had been mad at him and he apologized for missing my childhood. It's especially hard right now, knowing he will not be at my wedding, but the support from family is what keeps me going. I am very sorry for your loss, but it gets easier.

feeislove

I'm sorry, I lost my grandpa to lung cancer this past October too. For me it's probably easier because he was able to live a full life before he died, but for your sister to die so young I can scarcely imagine what that would be like. Hang in there.

LoveyHowl

Your sister was so beautiful -- her smile was absolutely radiant. I hope that whenever you think of her, that radiant, joyous smile is what you think of. I'm so sorry you lost her. Fuck cancer.

themuffinman16

I am so sorry, for your loss.  Cancer has affected me, personally, but it has not hit as close to home. I did lose a loved one to suicide. It was very jarring for me. I had a lot of survivor's guilt.  I struggled especially when something made me laugh, I felt guilty for enjoying life. The worst part about it is that I did not call my grandmother that Christmas Eve, as I usually did. I figured I would just call her on Christmas Day, but, by then, it was too late.  I beat myself up over that for YEARS. Survivor's guilt is one of the hardest stages of grief to endure.  I knew my grandma loved me, even though her actions made it seem like she didn't know... that was just her depression talking.  

   Your sister loved you and you loved her. She KNEW you loved her, but the pain of her life being cut short made her mad at the world. She just didn't know what to do with all of that hurt. Your family has come together in her death to support each other, which is the most important stage of grieving.  A burden carried by several is much lighter than a burden carried by one.  I will keep you in my thoughts.

pinkshorts27

Hey, I'm sorry that you had to go through this. Cancer does suck. 

My FI lost his mom to an 8 year battle to breast cancer. It sucks.

CMGragain

OP, are you religious?  It is times like this that religion can be such a comfort.  I don't know how I could have coped with my own breast cancer experience without talking to God every day.

blabla89

Your sister is beautiful! I'm so sorry for your loss. Cancer sucks and it isn't fair.

I lost my mom to cancer three and a half years ago. Losing her had been my greatest fear for so long, and became reality, but life went on. And my family and I have seen God's faithfulness and provision like never before. I don't mean to make light of what your family is going through, but I promise that it gets better.

 I don't know that I have words of wisdom, but here are a few things I figured out after she passed:
Everyone grieves in different ways, and in my family this led to people saying hurtful things that we didn't mean. Be patient and kind to your family and don't take them for granted. Don't be afraid to feel whatever you're feeling. If you need to go in a room and just cry, that's okay, do it. Or write in a journal. Talking to a professional counselor can also help a lot.