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NWR-Help me give some advice

A good friend of mine just recently got engaged. She has been with her now fiance for 10 years. They have a 2 year old daughter and their relationship is the healthiest it's ever been. Well, about 4 years into their relationship my friend hooked up with an ex. They didnt "go all the way" but there was some kissing and inappropriate conversation. She cut things off with the ex. She hasn't spoken to him in over 4 years (except for a few facebook comments under a picture or two, nothing inappropriate) and has no feelings for him anymore. Now that she is engaged she feels like she needs to be honest with her fiance and let him know what she did before they get married. I dont know what to tell her. I honestly feel like its water under the bridge and that she should just move on and keep that secret, but I know thats dishonest. I just dont know. I've never been married. Im recently engaged myself. I want to give her good advice and I know you ladies are honest. What would you tell her? 

Re: NWR-Help me give some advice

  • FiancBFiancB MinnesOOOta member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I would agree it's water under the bridge. If it was truly a one time mistake that she feels really bad about and would never do it again, and there's no way he'd find out otherwise, telling him would do more harm than good. It's commendable to want to come clean, but she needs to think about the long term consequences of both. Especially if it was so long ago- if it happened a week ago it would probably be the best thing  to do but it's been years. It's basically going to really upset him for next to no reason, and at this point it would be more for not telling him sooner rather than the cheating itself. 

    Different circumstances if she cheated because she was bored or frustrated and might do it again (in which case she should call it off entirely) or if there's a chance he might find out from someone else, which would be worse than hearing it from her. 
  • FiancB said:
    Different circumstances if she cheated because she was bored or frustrated and might do it again (in which case she should call it off entirely) or if there's a chance he might find out from someone else, which would be worse than hearing it from her
    I told her this exact thing. I told her that if he ever finds out from someone else that it will be terrible, but thats very very unlikely since nobody knows besides me and her ex lives across the country. She feels so bad about the situation, but I honestly think she is trying to come clean to clear her own consequence more than to strengthen her relationship.
  • APDSS22APDSS22 O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A is OK member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I would say it all comes down to motive. If she's telling him so they start their marriage with complete honesty, that's commendable. If she's confessing so SHE feels better...I think that's selfish.

  • I think it doesn't matter how long ago it happened fact of the matter is she cheated and if they plan on having an honest married then they need to start off on an honest path. If heaven forbid I were ever in fi's shoes I'd rather my fi come clean about it because I would be more inclined to build trust in the future but if it remained a secret well after I married and then found out, I'd never be able to trust that person ever again because they had proven that they can lie well and I wonder what else they were lying about.
  • I asked DH and a close guy friend of mine -- they both said that they'd want to know. But they both also said that it would probably be a deal-breaker for them, because it raises questions of 'what else aren't you telling me?'

    So, that's something to consider, too. 

    I'm honestly not sure what I'd tell a friend in that situation.

    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I wouldn't tell my friend anything. I'd only listen, be supportive, and say she has to do what's in her heart.

    For what it's worth, I only know of one friend who cheated and she had no intention of telling her boyfriend. We both knew it would be the end of their relationship. She did it because she was unhappy. Boyfriend found out anyway, ended things, but two months later wanted to reconcile. They're still together and talking marriage. You never know....

  • Amyzen83Amyzen83 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    edited February 2014
    It would be a deal breaker to both my fi and I
    Edit because I want to add
    Regardless of the outcome friend needs to still do the right thing and fess up because you know what sometimes doing the right thing isn't easy but that's the consequence for cheating, besides she can't predict how he's going to take it. He may forgive her and this confession could strengthen their relationship over time.
  • H and I dated for about 11 years.  A few years into our relationship, I developed a serious crush on another guy.  And the crush went on for a long time, to be honest.  This guy was TOTALLY not right for me, but I worked with him for years, so it was hard to get over him.

    Finally, I stopped talking to the guy, and didn't work there anymore.  I never cheated, but I still felt terribly guilty for my feelings and for the fact that I didn't cut him out of my life sooner.  I was so afraid to tell H, like he'd leave me or not trust me.  

    It took several years, but finally I had this weird moment where I had to tell him.  He was upset, but it wasn't a deal breaker for him.  Especially since H knew that I truly loved him and was committed to him, and that this guy hadn't been in my life for years.

    I felt so much better.  It was like, I could finally move on, forget the guy and forgive myself.  And I could marry H knowing I literally had NO secrets from him (and I didn't).  It was a great feeling.  And H was glad that I could be so honest with him and tell him something so difficult.  He actually confessed some stuff too (not cheating-like stuff, just other stuff he felt bad about in his life).  I really think it strengthened our relationship.

    I know it's not the same situation.  But just wanted to say that this confession may make her feel better, and it may strengthen them.  Or maybe her FI will get too upset.  But I really feel like even though it was so long ago, he should know, and that if they're truly committed to each other, they may be able to work through this.

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