Issues

StefA8

...

natswild

I'd be extremely irritated, and rather hurt as well. I would suggest having a frank conversation with her about how her comments make you feel. That certainly is really inappropriate on her part!

wbarwise

I had a maid who informedme that she didn't want to wear the colour (blue) that I had chosen for her, that she didn't OWN anything that colour (pictures say otherwise) and then emailed the rest of the party to say she wanted to wear purple and hoped they were ok with it.  One Maid of Honour wrote back saying it was the "brides" choice and whatever I chose is what she was going to wear.  She then asked if she would even "know" anyone at the wedding (which is odd...because the wedding isn't about her and she had met quite a number of people on the guest list). After that she refused to use any of the makeup/hair people I had chosen....I was giving her the option and trying to be laid back but was met with criticism on everything.  She wanted me to have her make up lady because in her words, "She will make you gorgeous" and I said well I don't wear a lot of make up so I want my FH to recognize me and she followed up with "Oh he will ONLY you will be gorgeous".  Then she refused to speak to me or my FH because of the dress colour issue - her husband also in the wedding told us to just give her what she wants.  We decided not to.  This wedding was turning into the "Maid" show.  After not speaking to us for 4 months my fiancee finally removed her from the wedding party as she was a friend of his.  She then emailed him saying she knew it was nothing "HE SAID OR DID" and that "if there was anything she could do to help with the wedding she would love to do it".   He was so angry that he ended up telling her she needed to own her behaviour and it was his decision to remove her from the wedding.  Needless to say we sadly lost the husband of the maid but he is still on friendly terms with us.  7 months later we have yet to hear from the ousted maid.  I don't think it's a loss she is very rude and bossy but she was my fiancee's friend for 13 years and I feel sad for him.

LondonLisa

Just ignore her. I get that it is irritating.

Was she like this before the wedding? Have you only been talking about wedding stuff around her? Maybe go out for coffee and have a chat about what is going on in her life and not talk about the wedding.

Remember, she was close enough to you a few months ago to be chosen to be MoH so maybe this new behaviour is in response to something. 

zitiqueen

StefA8 said:

Alright, I know I am not the only bride that has dealt with this situation.... MOH is acting very self centered and doing her best to make sure EVERYONE pays attention to her on the big day. Now, I have no problem with my attendants being flashy, wearing comfy shoes, showing off their tattoos - what I have a problem with is when the one person you've selected to stand out and to be right beside you makes the following comment, "who's going to be center stage that day...?" You as the bride respond in a (are you really going there voice) probably me since I'm the bride (not trying to say my fiancé won't be as well - we will be center stage). Moh continues, " no, it'll be me with my purple fo-halk, blue dress, silver shoes, and all my tattoos!" Yeah, that just happened. Followed by - they'll all be there to see me in a dress. I know, I know... No one can upstage the bride... But seriously... Who says that?! Has anyone else dealt with such a brazen attendant!? I'm beyond irritated by it tonight because I've had little jabs like this thrown at me from day 1. Am I out of line for being irritated and quite frankly a bit hurt by this?

Does she actually have a purple FAUX-HAWK?

cookie0803

Is it at all possible she was joking?

Maggie0829

LondonLisa said:

Just ignore her. I get that it is irritating.

Was she like this before the wedding? Have you only been talking about wedding stuff around her? Maybe go out for coffee and have a chat about what is going on in her life and not talk about the wedding.

Remember, she was close enough to you a few months ago to be chosen to be MoH so maybe this new behaviour is in response to something. 

The bolded.  Ignore her dumb comments.  She wants you to play into it and probably gets a joy out of irritating you and basically just wants attention.  If you don't react to her comments then she will most likely stop.

climbingsingle

Ignore it. For whatever reason, she's trying to get a rise out of you. Don't stoop to her level. 

Was she always like this?

antoto

Ignore it.  If it DOES NOT stop I would sit down with her and let her know how much she is hurting you.  Don't make it into something where you get angry - just tell her you are hurting you and it does not feel like she is being supportive.

StefA8

wbarwise - I would absolutely have flipped out! Kuddos to you and your husband for keeping your justified irritation and anger under wraps and going about this in an extremely professional fashion! I'm sorry that you had such a horrendous experience!

PrettyGirlLost

StefA8 said:

Alright, I know I am not the only bride that has dealt with this situation.... MOH is acting very self centered and doing her best to make sure EVERYONE pays attention to her on the big day. Now, I have no problem with my attendants being flashy, wearing comfy shoes, showing off their tattoos - what I have a problem with is when the one person you've selected to stand out and to be right beside you makes the following comment, "who's going to be center stage that day...?" You as the bride respond in a (are you really going there voice) probably me since I'm the bride (not trying to say my fiancé won't be as well - we will be center stage). Moh continues, " no, it'll be me with my purple fo-halk, blue dress, silver shoes, and all my tattoos!" Yeah, that just happened. Followed by - they'll all be there to see me in a dress. I know, I know... No one can upstage the bride... But seriously... Who says that?! Has anyone else dealt with such a brazen attendant!? I'm beyond irritated by it tonight because I've had little jabs like this thrown at me from day 1. Am I out of line for being irritated and quite frankly a bit hurt by this?

Ignore her.  She is delusional if she thinks anyone is going to pay her any mind, no matter how she styles her hair. 

manateehugger

She's being stupid. Ignore her. Sorry, no one trumps the bride and groom on their wedding day. No one. No matter how AW-ish a person behaves. And if a person acts ridiculous, people stare, judge, and talk about how gracious the poor bride was in handling it.

StefA8

LondonLisa - I have been ignoring this type of behavior from her since I became engaged. From day one - when I told her I was engaged, and that we hadn't set a date yet but would likely set it for about 9 months to a year out (literally had just become engaged the day prior and I hadn't made any decisions yet) her response was, "well that's probably best, it'll give you more time to decide if this is really what you want." When I asked her what that was supposed to mean she said, "well my friend that recently became engaged had everything planned out right away." That right there should have been my first indicator/clue to how this was going to go.

I'm not a typical bride - I don't talk about the wedding/planning process, unless someone asks me about it - and I try to monitor how much I go on about it - because I don't want to be that girl. I'm not one that likes to be the center of attention nor am I real comfortable with it - so I have a hard time talking about the wedding and planning, even with my MOH, and Bridesmaids. I haven't asked any of them to help me with any details yet - outside of choosing the dress they wanted to wear and I'm letting them choose their own shoes. I haven't asked yet - because I don't want to make them feel obligated nor do I want to bog them down. They all live out of town and have their careers/lives so I'm trying to avoid asking for their help until I know I will really need it. I haven't demanded/told them that they HAVE to get their hair, nails, and makeup done - but have offered that they can utilize my hair stylist that is fixing my hair.

I check in with my girls about every other week to see how they are doing - asking them what's new, never bringing up the wedding at all. I just want them to know that I'm thinking about them without bombarding them with wedding talk.

My MOH has been rather snarky and self-centered most of the time I've known her - so that's not a real shocker to me. I expected some comments - but I'm at my breaking point with her because I do not talk wedding talk with her unless she asks. Again - I don't go on and on about it either.  

She and I have been close for years - so to me it was a no brainer to ask her to be my MOH.

 I feel like part of the problem is an underlying jealousy (even though she claims she doesn't want to get married or have kids ever). She has made comments to me about my future with my fiance when I told her we would like to start our own family soon after the wedding - she had the nerve to tell me I cannot be pregnant in the Fall when we could potentially travel to Hawaii for work because she wants to party because it's HER birthday (our birthdays land on consecutive days).

The other side - she's inviting people to the wedding without my persmission. I have no problem with her inviting a guest (key phrase: A GUEST) - I expect/want her to. She has extended the invite now to approximatley 15 people at this point. She does it when I'm not around - and I just heard about it last night. At the same time she then invited everyone that we were out to dinner with - putting me in an awkward place. Then proceeded to tell me that she's invited some women I don't know to my bacherlorette party.

This is all starting to really come to a head as we get closer to the wedding day. The whole wedding conversation came up at dinner last night because someone else asked me about the wedding. So I was giving them a brief update and she interuppted with her comments and turned the attention to herself.

That's more of an insite into what's been going on. I definitely did not make a big deal of it last night because I am the save-face type - I don't like to create a scene. I let it go and 'ignored it' as I usually do.

StefA8

StefA8 said:

Alright, I know I am not the only bride that has dealt with this situation.... MOH is acting very self centered and doing her best to make sure EVERYONE pays attention to her on the big day. Now, I have no problem with my attendants being flashy, wearing comfy shoes, showing off their tattoos - what I have a problem with is when the one person you've selected to stand out and to be right beside you makes the following comment, "who's going to be center stage that day...?" You as the bride respond in a (are you really going there voice) probably me since I'm the bride (not trying to say my fiancé won't be as well - we will be center stage). Moh continues, " no, it'll be me with my purple fo-halk, blue dress, silver shoes, and all my tattoos!" Yeah, that just happened. Followed by - they'll all be there to see me in a dress. I know, I know... No one can upstage the bride... But seriously... Who says that?! Has anyone else dealt with such a brazen attendant!? I'm beyond irritated by it tonight because I've had little jabs like this thrown at me from day 1. Am I out of line for being irritated and quite frankly a bit hurt by this?

Does she actually have a purple FAUX-HAWK?

Yes she does have a purple faux-hawk (thank you for the spelling of faux - I had a complete blank on the spelling). She's trying to grow her hair out in the front (according to what she has told me) so that she can get some type of curl to work in the front of her hair for the wedding.  

StefA8

Is it at all possible she was joking?

Joking.. but not really joking. She truly is the type of person that does/says things to become the center of attention.

StefA8

Maggie0829 - I do ignore it when I'm around her - because I refuse to let her see that it does bug me. I never react to her comments - instead my poor fiance listens to me vent because I do have a breaking point. I will never let her see me break either.

I was apparently at my venting point last night and I am working out of town - so calling my fiance to vent over the phone would have been a horrible idea.

Jen4948

Maybe you need to have a come-to-Jesus talk with her and tell her: "Friend, you've been making all these comments about being the center of attention at my wedding, and I've reached my limit with them.  Cut it out."

Note, you would be telling her to cut out the comments, not to not try to be the center of attention at your wedding.  I would have a DOC or someone on hand to put a stop to her behavior at your wedding if she actually does this.

StefA8

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Ignore it. For whatever reason, she's trying to get a rise out of you. Don't stoop to her level. 

Was she always like this?

I will never stoop to her level - I'm a compassionate person and do not like making anyone feel bad.

She's the type of person whose friend just lost their dad rather quickly to cancer and her response to the friend not doing something she was asked to do at an event that was scheduled to occur two days after burying her dad  (even though she had notified the person 6 days before the event that she would not be able to do what she had been asked to do (because her dad had just been moved to hospice)) - my MOH - had the audacity to say that she was mad at this friend because the friend told her (MOH) she couldn't get out of bed that day. She was grieving and rightfully so - she gave this person that had the event enough time to line someone up on the fly. The situation was out of her control.

Pepper6

With all the stuff she's doing for your wedding and even before, I'm still a little confused as to why you are good friends with her in the first place.  She kind of seems like a bitch to me.

BUT, since you are, I think you honestly need to have a chat with her about what is okay and not.  I'd probably ignore comments about how she wants to upstage you because that won't happen no matter what she tries, you are still the bride and she'll just make herself look ridiculous if she tries anything over the top.  However, you absolutely need to address her inviting people. This is YOUR wedding and the guest list has absolutely nothing to do with the MOH and it is so not okay for her to randomly add people who she doesn't have to pay for.

StefA8

antoto said:

Ignore it.  If it DOES NOT stop I would sit down with her and let her know how much she is hurting you.  Don't make it into something where you get angry - just tell her you are hurting you and it does not feel like she is being supportive.

I am ignoring it in front of her right now - again I don't like to create a scene. The problem with me ignorning and letting it slide is I've hit my anger point with it - so I need to cool off - if it happens again - it will take a lot to keep my cool and not blow a gasket.

MairePoppy

Yep, her remarks were rude. But she has always been an AW, right? She's not going to change for your wedding. Best bet is to not give her the attention she wants. Ignore her stupid comments.

StefA8

Pepper6 said:

With all the stuff she's doing for your wedding and even before, I'm still a little confused as to why you are good friends with her in the first place.  She kind of seems like a bitch to me.

BUT, since you are, I think you honestly need to have a chat with her about what is okay and not.  I'd probably ignore comments about how she wants to upstage you because that won't happen no matter what she tries, you are still the bride and she'll just make herself look ridiculous if she tries anything over the top.  However, you absolutely need to address her inviting people. This is YOUR wedding and the guest list has absolutely nothing to do with the MOH and it is so not okay for her to randomly add people who she doesn't have to pay for.

I knew her attitude before I asked her - but never thought it would come out this much, nor did I think she'd be the type to try to take over the show - guess I should have really stopped and gave it some thought before I asked her to be my MOH - seriously, I didn't think she'd be this horrible - especially if I kept myself in check about wedding talk. I know she'll look like a monkey *&$%ing a football if she tries to upstage my fiance and me - so she can try as she might as it - she'll look ridiculous in the end. The inviting people it my biggest problem - she's not paying for the reception - therefore she has no right to extend an invite to every single person we work with. Especially when my guest list is already so big. I will be having a sit down with her about that because I cannot have her putting me in an awkward spot like she did last night.

StefA8

Jen4948 said:

Maybe you need to have a come-to-Jesus talk with her and tell her: "Friend, you've been making all these comments about being the center of attention at my wedding, and I've reached my limit with them.  Cut it out."

Note, you would be telling her to cut out the comments, not to not try to be the center of attention at your wedding.  I would have a DOC or someone on hand to put a stop to her behavior at your wedding if she actually does this.

It'll be quite the "come to Jesus" talk when it happens! What do you mean by DOC to put a stop to her behavior?

JaxInBlue

StefA8 said:

Jen4948 said:

Maybe you need to have a come-to-Jesus talk with her and tell her: "Friend, you've been making all these comments about being the center of attention at my wedding, and I've reached my limit with them.  Cut it out."

Note, you would be telling her to cut out the comments, not to not try to be the center of attention at your wedding.  I would have a DOC or someone on hand to put a stop to her behavior at your wedding if she actually does this.

It'll be quite the "come to Jesus" talk when it happens! What do you mean by DOC to put a stop to her behavior?

Not to answer for @Jen4948, but I think she means someone who might be able to quietly distract/divert your MOH, someone who might be able to pull her aside for a minute or be willing to be an outlet for her energy and enthusiasm since you will be busy with other guests and activities. 

I have a slightly crazy, attention-loving family member and I'd asked someone who knew this to be on-standby to run interference.  It wound up not being necessary, but having that person willing to engage in conversation, divert to another room, suggest stepping outside for a minute can be a way to give you a little piece of mind.

StefA8

Not a bad plan to have someone ready and able to divert. I think it might help to appoint someone to be my personal attendant as well - that way I can put her in charge of helping to keep everything on track and to avoid MOH trying to take over.

I know if my MOH gets out of line at any point around my fiance  - he will let her have it.

Also - what does AW stand for MairePoppy?

JaxInBlue

StefA8 said:

Not a bad plan to have someone ready and able to divert. I think it might help to appoint someone to be my personal attendant as well - that way I can put her in charge of helping to keep everything on track and to avoid MOH trying to take over.

I know if my MOH gets out of line at any point around my fiance  - he will let her have it.

Also - what does AW stand for MairePoppy?

Please don't do this.  It's not fair to ask someone to work full-time at your wedding and it's a really terrible job to give someone you like/consider a friend/who's family. 

If you are anticipating now that there will be a lot to navigate in terms of vendor contacts, set-up, time management, etc., rework your budget now to include a day-of coordinator.

StefA8

JaclyneD said:

StefA8 said:

Not a bad plan to have someone ready and able to divert. I think it might help to appoint someone to be my personal attendant as well - that way I can put her in charge of helping to keep everything on track and to avoid MOH trying to take over.

I know if my MOH gets out of line at any point around my fiance  - he will let her have it.

Also - what does AW stand for MairePoppy?

Please don't do this.  It's not fair to ask someone to work full-time at your wedding and it's a really terrible job to give someone you like/consider a friend/who's family. 

If you are anticipating now that there will be a lot to navigate in terms of vendor contacts, set-up, time management, etc., rework your budget now to include a day-of coordinator.
y

I really didn't mean for that to come across so diva-like. I really don't anticipate a huge amount of to-do items. I will have our dad's take care of the financial related things - I don't want anyone but family handling those things. Basically I want someone who I can trust help me when I'm in my gown - bustling it, and when I have to use the bathroom. I want someone to keep a copy of my timeline once I get into the middle of getting ready.I don't expect or want anyone to run around for me handling things.  I plan to give myself enough time to not rush through the entire day.

MairePoppy

AW = attention whore

@stefA8

StefA8

Ah!!!! I should have known that!

JaxInBlue

@StefA8, thanks for clarifying.  I don't think you need to specifically ask a person to be a personal attendant in order to help with that.  People, well women, likely know you'll need help with some things while in your dress.  My sister was my MOH and she volunteered to be the one to help me bustle my dress, with my mom and an aunt lending an assist.

There was this thread a little while ago about bathroom help too.  It's too late for me - but thinking as my sister's MOH, I was thinking about sharing this idea with her.

StefA8