I think I just need to get this out of my system, which is why I'm putting it in this forum rather than a more serious one, like the etiquette forum.
This concerns my best friend. We've been friends for 12 years, through high school, college, and beyond. She is 1.5 years older than me and while we've had our ups and downs, we've remained close this long through countless strains, distance, etc. I love her more than I can really express, but this... I don't know how to feel.
Just as a warning: I'm going to write a lot. I'm not known for being succinct. Many details won't be strictly relevant, but I feel like I need to explain. If you don't want all the details, you can skip the stuff in blue.
She was married on January 15th of this year (2014), a Wednesday, in a JOP ceremony. The 15th date was important to her for some reason. Only her husband, mother, sister, and my fiance and I were invited there. They decided to get married in December and told me on the 21st of December that they were doing so. They had only been dating for 3-4 months, but have known each other for about as long as I've known her. Their families even split a house when they were younger, so they've been close friends. She expressed to me that she knew he was it and she didn't want to wait anymore, since she had been saving herself for marriage. My fiance asked me to marry him on Christmas Eve. She was relieved because she didn't want to put pressure on him to marry me because my best friend was getting married. I don't think either of us would have been influenced by that, but whatever...
The whole planning process for her was very disorganized. She wanted so many things that she didn't end up getting, including grocery store flowers and a small grocery store cake. Plans were constantly changed or canceled. She set the date and I took a half day off work, after making sure with her that it would be more than enough time to attend and enjoy her afternoon ceremony. She assured me that a half day would be plenty of time. I had an important meeting with the CEO (flew in from another state) that morning that I couldn't likely get out of, so it worked out well. My fiance took a half day also. Five days before the wedding, they realized that they did all this and didn't get anyone to officiate. It looked like the only one available could do 11 AM, which was (at this point) practically impossible for me to do. Luckily, they were able to get someone else for 2:30. Late on the evening of Monday, the 13th, I finally got an address to the courthouse (there are many in this big city). Throughout the planning process, I offered my listening ear to her while she vented about how irritating and incompetent her future husband was being. Everything that went wrong seemed to be his fault and she was not exactly happy, but I held my tongue and just listened. Her dog ate her shoes the morning of (because her husband couldn't watch the puppy properly) and I snuck out of work early to go to Payless to buy three pairs of shoes that I thought might work with her blue/white floral dress. For the ceremony, she chose the ones she liked, wore them with the tags still on (slipped it under her foot), and gave them back to me to return with the others afterwards. The ceremony was nice and I took pictures with my (poor) point-and-shoot camera. Afterwards, we went to one of her favorite restaurants which is very touristy and overpriced for what it is, but she loves it, so whatever. Everyone paid for their own meals. The bride and groom had so many unfortunate events leading up to the wedding (car accident, car breakdowns, work injuries, suspension at work, moving, etc) that they wouldn't have been able to buy their own lunch/dinner if one of his coworkers hadn't given him $60. In fact, I had to pay over half of their apartment deposit when they moved because they couldn't swing it in between pay periods. I didn't miss the money because they paid me back before it was actually taken out, but I think I was more than generous to be willing to put several hundred dollars on the line for them. Only for my best friend. Only for her. I got a receipt, which saved them when the apartment tried to claim they hadn't paid it (when they actually just forgot about my check). As my wedding gift to her, I took her shopping for lingere to wear on her wedding night. She was just going to buy a new bra to wear with panties she already got so as not to ask too much of me, but I insisted that she try ANYTHING she wanted. She ended up choosing a white lace corset set, which I bought for her. Additionally, after the wedding, I put together an album of their wedding and lunch, which I ordered from Shutterfly, and sent her all the photos I had taken that day. After they asked to borrow a pot from us (we live at the same apartment complex now) because they didn't have anything in which to cook the canned foods they bought (she bought a cheap can opener when we went lingere shopping and struggled with paying the $3 for it), my fiance took it upon himself to buy them a 10-piece pot and pan set for them. They did not have a registry and they did not ask for anything, other than for us to be there and pay for our own lunch. We offered all of the other things freely and on our own. I consider doing these things as a gift to her, to help her in her new married life. They've been in one bad situation after another and I was happy to help them get on their feet. I love her and I want her to be happy, even though I don't necessarily agree with everything she's done.
Deep down, I think she only got married so quickly because she wanted to sleep with him without feeling guilty or compromising her beliefs. I would NEVER say this to her face. It wouldn't be productive and it doesn't really affect me. She's happy and it's her life, so I'm happy for her. She still wants a big ceremony though, which she feels like she cheated her friends and family out of (most are from out of state as they're both not originally from Texas, even though they've lived here for 10+ years). She wanted her ceremony to be on November 15th (also a weekday) and when she realized I was planning mine for November 8th, she backed down from it and announced that they will be having a "vow renewal" ceremony in 2015 instead. At the time, it sounded like she wasn't going with the date she originally planned because of many things including money and wanting to visit sick relatives, but also (and I got the hint, most importantly) because of me. It felt like she was blaming my date for having to postpone her vow renewal. The whole thing sounds like a PPD to me, and I think that's what she wants. At least she's not calling it her "real wedding" and she's owning the fact that she got married on January 15th at the courthouse. She's asked me to be her maid/matron of honor and stand with her along with her sister (also a maid of honor?) at her vow renewal. I know all the strong feelings that people of TK have toward PPDs and I don't disagree. It feels a bit contrived to me too. Still, because it's her, I accepted. Hopefully, I'll have more advanced warning about what I'm getting myself into for this next event. I want to add, though it's fairly irrelevant, that she would have been my MOH if we were having a wedding party. For many reasons, we decided against it, so she will not be standing with me on my day.
Now (and the real reason why I'm writing this), she's asked for advice on facebook about whether or not she should start a wedding registry for her and her husband. Girls at work have been pressuring her about it and she asked if it would be a good idea to do one for people who would still like to contribute to her and her husband. I can deal with the disorganization of their JOP ceremony and having to jump through hoops to get out of work the way I did, and having to pay for my own lunch to be able to celebrate with them. It's her special day. I was honored to be there. I was even happy to go through all those things because I knew it was worth it to see her happy, no matter how irritated I might have felt in the moment. But, now it feels like they're asking for donations for something that's already done. I understand that people want to contribute, especially since she hasn't exactly kept their situations out of social media. People probably feel compelled to help, just like we did with the pot situation. Since she's asking for advice, part of me wants to be a "good friend" and give it to her, but so far, I've just kept my mouth shut. I want to tell her that it feels weird to ask for stuff in a wedding registry for a "fake" date that's more than a year out and a wedding that's already happened. I also want to tell her that if she puts pots and pans on that registry list, that I would feel very hurt and angry. We could have let her borrow one of ours, but my fiance wanted to go further than that and spent his own money on that gift for them, to make sure that they could eat decently on their first days together as husband and wife.
I know I probably won't say anything. I wouldn't even consider saying anything if she hadn't asked (indirectly). Most everyone else is saying "sure', "good idea", or "why not?". I would definitely be the odd person out and sometimes her friends can be ruthless (so can she), even though I've outlasted them all.
I don't really know what I'm looking for. It's not really a problem that needs to be solved. I just am unsure how to really think or act or respond.
"They say there's no such place... as Paradise. Even if you search to the ends of the Earth, there's nothing there. No matter how far you walk, it's always the same road. It just goes on and on. But, in spite of that... Why am I so driven to find it? A voice calls to me... It says, 'Search for Paradise.' " - Kiba, Wolf's Rain