Do we have to include FSIL's boyfriend in family photos?

rajahmd

Fran1985 said:

RajahBMFD said:

Good grief people. Actually read the OP. She never said she wasn't going to invite him, she was specifically asking about including him in family photos. Sheesh, even the title referenced just the photos. Can we please stop hounding her to do something she's clearly already planning to do?

She edited the original OP- at first it was unclear. People were responding before they saw her responses. 

I read it before she edited it. It wasn't unclear. People were responding without reading fully. And people continued to do so even after she edited it for clarity and posted again.

arels483

Fran1985 said:

RajahBMFD said:

Good grief people. Actually read the OP. She never said she wasn't going to invite him, she was specifically asking about including him in family photos. Sheesh, even the title referenced just the photos. Can we please stop hounding her to do something she's clearly already planning to do?

She edited the original OP- at first it was unclear. People were responding before they saw her responses. 

And before they read the actual post. I only edited the subject line. 

FiancB

I don't think I'd worry about it. He probably has enough sense to not jump right in and if not, let him be in some but then have the photog be all like "okay now for just family!" "now sisters!" "now wedding party!" etc. You'll be doing a variety of different groupings of people anyway.

Jen4948

While you have to invite him, you do not have to include him in photos.

If your FSIL makes a fuss, you might advise her that if she wants photos taken with this guy, she can pay for them.

dramamonkey

Nope, don't include him, but perhaps allow your photog to take one nice photo of just the two of them.

My husband's nephew brought his GF to our wedding - they've been together for over a year but are now at colleges hundreds of miles apart. There was a quick moment pre-ceremony, and our photographer got one of the two of them (I sent him a print after the wedding).

jessicabessica

I would include him in some (one full family w/him, one w/out--that sort of thing), and maybe include him in a siblings + SOs shot, if you do that one.  

I attended my BIL's wedding with DH a few months before we were engaged, although it sounds like we might have been more serious than your FSIL and her BF (but who really knows what's going on with someone else's relationship?).  I wasn't in any of the formal picts.  The photographer took one of us as a couple, which was nice, and then DH asked if we could have one of the four of us (him, his brother, me, his new SIL), but the bride said we didn't have time to take one of the four of us.  We're friendly now, but it just wasn't very nice of her.  

[Deleted User]

HisGirlFriday13 said:

It depends on how you stage the family photos. I ditto a PP who suggested doing one with and one without, and one that's just the two of them, so they have it.

There are ZERO photos of our wedding where EVERYONE in the wedding (or in our families) is in the same photo. We did photos with my side of the family, then DH's side, then WP, etc. (Part of that is because my husband's grandmother is a shrew and refused to be in photos with my parents because "we're not family." She also tried to have "family photos" that did not include me, the bride, because "you may have married in, but you're not family.")

If you do several variations on the photos, you should be able to avoid drama from your FSIL and also not have someone you apparently don't want in your photos in your photos.

Your GM stories kill me...more power to ya for dealing with someone that BSC.

As for the OP- I will say my FI (bf at the time) was not included in my sister's photos when she got married in Feb 2011. We had been together for a while but had not discussed marriage- it was not a snub but more something that no one brought up....fast forward 3 years and we're getting married in August. You never know what will happen with someone else's relationship so I would strongly urge that you include him in maybe one or two? 

sarahufl

RajahBMFD said:

Good grief people. Actually read the OP. She never said she wasn't going to invite him, she was specifically asking about including him in family photos. Sheesh, even the title referenced just the photos. Can we please stop hounding her to do something she's clearly already planning to do?

This. It was a relevant question that wasn't the least bit nasty. Perfectly ok to ask.

abbyj700

RajahBMFD said:

Here's what we did: SIL had been dating a guy for less than a year when we got married. But they're also college freshmen, so whether or not they last is a toss up. So, we did two versions of the important family photos: one with out him and one with. That way if he stays in the family, he's in the picture already. We also made sure the photographer got a picture of just SIL and her boyfriend, so that they would have a special photo. That seemed to work for everyone.

This is what my brother did at his wedding for my FI. We got engaged a few months later so now the family photo is complete with all spouses for the future. I think he really understood having one with and one without - and appreciates a lot now that we have a photo of my full side of the family that includes him.

photokitty

In my family, you aren't in the family photo if you aren't engaged. Sometimes we do a version with SOs, not engaged and then one with family only - married and engaged.

I would not want him in my only family photo in case they break up. The family photo is the one I see most often in parents' home vs the B&G only shots on the B&G's wall.

I still need to photoshop my ex husband out of my sister's family wedding photo. I certainly wouldn't want to go to the trouble for a boyfriend.

MandyMost

arels483 said:

We have only met FI's sister's boyfriend one time. I don't want to be rude and I really don't want to upset FI's sister, but I don't want to include this guy in our wedding photos. He was not included when FI's oldest sister got married in September, but nobody in the family had met him at that time. I don't know him well at all, and I do not know that he will become family down the line. My brother's girlfriend will be included, but she is one of my bridesmaids and she and my brother will be getting engaged very soon. I don't think that the boyfriend would be offended-- he wasn't upset at all about FI's oldest sister's wedding. I am a little concerned that FI's sister will throw a fit, she tends to cause tension within FI's family. So, the question, is there a delicate way to approach this before the wedding?

Thank you in advance!

Your brother's girlfriend shouldn't be included in the pics without your FSIL's boyfriend. Neither couple is engaged, they should be treated equally. Of course, your brother's girlfriend is in the wedding party and will be in all of those pictures, but when it comes to family pictures I'd do the "family only" shots, and also the "family plus SO's" shots. It would be awkward to kick out the FSIL's boyfriend, but keep your brother's girlfriend in the family shots!

Of course, you can always make sure that the FSIL's boyfriend is on the edge and easily cropped out if need be. :-)

mrsbizzz

Do posters have opinions on FSIL's fiance? My mom is against having him in any of our photos and she is paying. Not sure how FMIL feels, but I know for sure if she wants him in them, she will not ask until the moment the photos are taken, putting me in an awkward spot.

I guess I'm about keeping the peace and I know he will be family eventually, but deep deep down, I don't want him in any family photos. I think the only way I will luck out is that none of the other siblings are married or engaged.

phira

@drmrs2014 I think that you should include him. Like I said in my post, think of it more like a snapshot of what your families look like right now. They might not be married, but he is part of the family at this moment of time. I mean that: he's part of your family NOW; after the wedding, he will be legally considered family.

If you're completely dead-set against the idea, then I suggest a compromise: some photos with him, some photos without him, and maybe a photo of just the two of them.

This is one of those things where I feel like, "She who pays gets a say" only goes so far. These are your wedding photos that you will be looking at for years to come. If your mom is this upset about having this guy in the photos, then do the compromise (have him in some photos and not others), make all the photos available after the wedding, and then give your mom a nice album of wedding photos and don't include any with the guy in them. VOILA.

Simply Fated

drmrs2014 said:

Do posters have opinions on FSIL's fiance? My mom is against having him in any of our photos and she is paying. Not sure how FMIL feels, but I know for sure if she wants him in them, she will not ask until the moment the photos are taken, putting me in an awkward spot.

I guess I'm about keeping the peace and I know he will be family eventually, but deep deep down, I don't want him in any family photos. I think the only way I will luck out is that none of the other siblings are married or engaged.

I still maintain that you should include him in some, but not all. You can do photos with SO's and a photo without SO's.
I mean, yeah, they aren't married yet, but the people who are married could just as easily not work out and you'll still have to photoshop, like that pp who said she wants to photoshop out her ex.

photokitty

drmrs2014 said:

Do posters have opinions on FSIL's fiance? My mom is against having him in any of our photos and she is paying. Not sure how FMIL feels, but I know for sure if she wants him in them, she will not ask until the moment the photos are taken, putting me in an awkward spot.

I guess I'm about keeping the peace and I know he will be family eventually, but deep deep down, I don't want him in any family photos. I think the only way I will luck out is that none of the other siblings are married or engaged.

I can't understand why your mom would care who your FI's family photo includes. I would be mindful of FMIL's opinion, but not your mom's. She isn't going to hang a photo of FI's family on the wall. If she doesn't want him in a large photo of both family's, I can understand. 

If you don't want him in the photos and no one else is engaged or married, take one with him and one without. Call it the sibling photo.

I'm confused? Did they get engaged since you started this thread or is this someone you didn't mention previously??

s-aries8990

drmrs2014 said:

Do posters have opinions on FSIL's fiance? My mom is against having him in any of our photos and she is paying. Not sure how FMIL feels, but I know for sure if she wants him in them, she will not ask until the moment the photos are taken, putting me in an awkward spot.

I guess I'm about keeping the peace and I know he will be family eventually, but deep deep down, I don't want him in any family photos. I think the only way I will luck out is that none of the other siblings are married or engaged.

I say include him in some photos. She and you needn't order any prints with him, but I think that to not include him in ANY photos is over-reaching and a bit mean. It's not going to be FSIL's fiance's glamor shots or anything - it'll probably be, what like 10 staged photos with him in it MAX?

Do family with SO's, family without SO's, you two and FSIL with fiance, you two and FSIL without fiance.

phira

Yeah, I think that one of the reasons that "She who pays gets her say" doesn't quite work here is that the OP's mother can get the same result for the same cost, regardless of whether or not this guy is in any photos; it doesn't take very long for the photographer to get the extra photos, the photographer will not run out of space on their SD cards (5-6 photos is a drop in the bucket), and the OP and her mom can always order prints that don't include him. Same price, same result.