Rant: FMIL issues

mrsbanany

My FI and I are Catholic but he comes from a much more religious family. I would consider myself and my family more spiritual than religious. Anyway, he wants to get married in the church where as I don't really care either way so I am willing to do it. We decided to get married in the church that he goes to and while I haven't talked to the priest yet I have gotten an earful from my FMIL about how it is going to be really difficult for us because I don't go regularly.  She keeps making it seem like it is going to be this huge problem because you are supposed to get married in the bride's church which means that I would need to get written permission from my priest but she says that will be difficult too because I don't really have a priest since I don't go to church every week. I know that the permission thing is the policy if neither of you are members of that particular parish but I mean my FMIL goes regularly to that church and my FI used to when he still lived in the area.  Part of me makes me think she is being passive aggressive about the fact that I don't go to church regularly. The other part of me is seriously wondering if it is this difficult to get married in the church if you don't go regularly. Those of you who did get married in the church, did you experience any of these hurdles that she is warning me about?

Today I got a phone call from her and she had told me that she had just been to the church and spoke with the priest and that the priest "groaned" when she told him I was not a member of the parish. First of all, I don't know how much of that I believe, I refuse to believe that a priest groaned at the fact that someone wanted to get married in his church, especially the son of a pretty generous member.  When my FI's brother got married (her stepson) she complained constantly that they weren't doing it in a church. They had a wine ceremony that she was invited to participate in and she refused because she thought it was honoring another god (which it was stated multiple times that it wasn't) and thus did not follow the church.  When my FI's sister got married (her daughter) she got married in the church but only had a ceremony, not a full mass, and FMIL complained for weeks about that too. Honestly, the more I talk to her about it and the more I think about it, the less I want to get married in the church.  As petty as this sounds, part of me wants to do this just so she doesn't get what she wants because I literally cannot take the constant hounding. 

FI and I had dinner at his parent's house on Sunday and she said prayer before we ate and she actually stood up and yelled "please please please God let them get married in the church". Like it is just so intense it is driving me nutty. Also, when she was being walked down the aisle by my FI at her daughter's wedding she actually stopped him in the middle of the aisle and raised her arms up and down because not enough people were singing along with the opening hymn. Believe me, I am a big promoter of "whatever floats your boat" but I just don't want her creating a scene at the wedding because not enough people are actively singing to the music.  My mom is a reiki master and takes classes on angel guides and all that stuff, stuff that my FMIL thinks is heresy.  Again, whatever floats your boat, but I get emails on the regular from her with articles about how the church does not believe in reiki and that I should try to get my mom to stop because she will end up in purgatory.  Then we were out for dinner last week and she and her daughter started making fun of reiki and the people who believe in it, right in front of me.  They were laughing hysterically about how it is all fake and the people who do it should just go to church so they can get some real healing and real guidance. They were basically making fun of my mom without saying it specifically and it made me very uncomfortable. FI, like many other guys, just sits there and says nothing. She also gave me a book about purgatory when I started doing yoga because that apparently is against the church.  I didn't know stretching was bad for the soul.... I don't believe in reiki but my mom does so I would never laugh at her for it. I would never laugh at anyone for their beliefs, regardless of how I felt about it. Believe what you want just don't push it on others.  My mom does not push her reiki on my FMIL so I don't understand why my FMIL is taking such a huge issue with it. 

The phone call today is what really sent me over the edge. I just cannot deal with this intense, exclusive, judgmental attitude that she has been putting out ever since we got engaged. She was never like this before but now it just doesn't stop and I feel like this is the first wedding related thing that is actually pushing me over the edge. Her passive aggressiveness is too much for me to handle. I just feel like I am an inch away from just exploding the next time she subtly mentions how those who believe in reiki will end up in purgatory. Ok, done now... thanks for reading if you made it this far

AzAnnie

She sounds like my ex MIL. She was so judgmental and nasty, but in her opinion is was ok because she would go to confession on Sunday. One day I had enough and told her that I was pretty sure that God paid attention wo what we did everyday of the week and that an hour of confession does not wipe out 7 days of being a bitch! I wasn't the favorite DIL that's for sure!

Jen4948

You need to get your FI on your side.  He has to stop sitting there on his ass and saying nothing when his mother cuts into you with her BS.  If he doesn't do that, then I think you are going to have bigger problems than just her trying to take bites out of you.

Once you do that, you need to set and maintain some boundaries with her.  She needs to knock off the sniping permanently, so you need to tell her, together with your FI, that her comments will no longer be tolerated on pain of adverse consequences to her, and you have to follow through if she doesn't knock it off.

MairePoppy

Wow! Your FMIL has a lot of nerve. If the priest was groaning, it was probably because he saw your insufferable FMIL heading his way. He probably feels forced to put up with her nonsense because of her 'generosity.' 

First, I grew up in the church, but no longer participate. My whole family is Catholic. I have never heard of any rule that says the couple is supposed to get married in the bride's church. Since your fi is more active in church, it makes sense to get married in his church. You will have to have give the church a copy of your sacramental records and participate in pre-cana. It's the church's sincerest wish that Catholics marry in the church, so Fi's priest will probably be very happy to have your wedding in his church. Make an appointment with him to get the correct information. 

Your Fi should tell his mother that her remarks to you about your religious standing and your mother are disrespectful and he won't tolerate it. He should also tell her not to discuss your wedding with the priest again, that the two of you will take care of business. I hope pre-cana will help your Fi set some boundaries for his mother. You and he are about to form a new family unit. You, not his mother, should be his primary concern.

kmmssg

 "FI, like many other guys, just sits there and says nothing"

Your FMIL isn't the problem, her son is.  Actually you both are feeding her.  NEITHER of you have confronted her on her passive aggressive, inexcusable behavior.  She will continue this until she is made to stop or you just stop coming around because she won't.

Your FI says nothing?  There is your first stop on the journey to dealing with this problem.  He needs to grow a set and tell his mother that she will not be so disrespectful to his future wife and FMIL.  By doing nothing HE is being incredibly disrespectful to you.

HisGirlFriday13

You need to get your FI on your side. Like yesterday. He needs to be having sit-down come-to-Jesus conversations with his mother about how horribly inappropriate she is.

Getting married in the Catholic Church is not something to be taken lightly. You will have to do pre-Cana in which you both (as Catholics) agree to raise your kids Catholic.

No offence, but 'whatever floats your boat' is not a mantra the Church is on-board with.

You and FI need to figure out how you're going to raise your kids (if you have any) and what role religion is going to play in your lives. From there, determine if getting married in the Church is right for you.

And whatever else you do, minimise your time with your FMIL.

ei34

Your FMIL sounds like a pain in the ass.  Maybe it's just my diocese, but I'm Catholic, and a) plenty of my family members have been married in churches that neither bride nor groom are parishoniers at, and b) my hubby is Catholic but rarely goes to church, and he had no problem getting married in the church.  He just had to show the priest his certificates proving his sacraments.

If your FI isn't helping you deal with your FMIL deal with this, he won't help down to road when your FMIL starts nitpicking about something else.

zitiqueen

amandaj424 said:

My FI and I are Catholic but he comes from a much more religious family. I would consider myself and my family more spiritual than religious. Anyway, he wants to get married in the church where as I don't really care either way so I am willing to do it. We decided to get married in the church that he goes to and while I haven't talked to the priest yet I have gotten an earful from my FMIL about how it is going to be really difficult for us because I don't go regularly.  She keeps making it seem like it is going to be this huge problem because you are supposed to get married in the bride's church which means that I would need to get written permission from my priest but she says that will be difficult too because I don't really have a priest since I don't go to church every week. I know that the permission thing is the policy if neither of you are members of that particular parish but I mean my FMIL goes regularly to that church and my FI used to when he still lived in the area.  Part of me makes me think she is being passive aggressive about the fact that I don't go to church regularly. The other part of me is seriously wondering if it is this difficult to get married in the church if you don't go regularly. Those of you who did get married in the church, did you experience any of these hurdles that she is warning me about?

Today I got a phone call from her and she had told me that she had just been to the church and spoke with the priest and that the priest "groaned" when she told him I was not a member of the parish. First of all, I don't know how much of that I believe, I refuse to believe that a priest groaned at the fact that someone wanted to get married in his church, especially the son of a pretty generous member.  When my FI's brother got married (her stepson) she complained constantly that they weren't doing it in a church. They had a wine ceremony that she was invited to participate in and she refused because she thought it was honoring another god (which it was stated multiple times that it wasn't) and thus did not follow the church.  When my FI's sister got married (her daughter) she got married in the church but only had a ceremony, not a full mass, and FMIL complained for weeks about that too. Honestly, the more I talk to her about it and the more I think about it, the less I want to get married in the church.  As petty as this sounds, part of me wants to do this just so she doesn't get what she wants because I literally cannot take the constant hounding. 

FI and I had dinner at his parent's house on Sunday and she said prayer before we ate and she actually stood up and yelled "please please please God let them get married in the church". Like it is just so intense it is driving me nutty. Also, when she was being walked down the aisle by my FI at her daughter's wedding she actually stopped him in the middle of the aisle and raised her arms up and down because not enough people were singing along with the opening hymn. Believe me, I am a big promoter of "whatever floats your boat" but I just don't want her creating a scene at the wedding because not enough people are actively singing to the music.  My mom is a reiki master and takes classes on angel guides and all that stuff, stuff that my FMIL thinks is heresy.  Again, whatever floats your boat, but I get emails on the regular from her with articles about how the church does not believe in reiki and that I should try to get my mom to stop because she will end up in purgatory.  Then we were out for dinner last week and she and her daughter started making fun of reiki and the people who believe in it, right in front of me.  They were laughing hysterically about how it is all fake and the people who do it should just go to church so they can get some real healing and real guidance. They were basically making fun of my mom without saying it specifically and it made me very uncomfortable. FI, like many other guys, just sits there and says nothing. She also gave me a book about purgatory when I started doing yoga because that apparently is against the church.  I didn't know stretching was bad for the soul.... I don't believe in reiki but my mom does so I would never laugh at her for it. I would never laugh at anyone for their beliefs, regardless of how I felt about it. Believe what you want just don't push it on others.  My mom does not push her reiki on my FMIL so I don't understand why my FMIL is taking such a huge issue with it. 

The phone call today is what really sent me over the edge. I just cannot deal with this intense, exclusive, judgmental attitude that she has been putting out ever since we got engaged. She was never like this before but now it just doesn't stop and I feel like this is the first wedding related thing that is actually pushing me over the edge. Her passive aggressiveness is too much for me to handle. I just feel like I am an inch away from just exploding the next time she subtly mentions how those who believe in reiki will end up in purgatory. Ok, done now... thanks for reading if you made it this far

Oh hell no. That part I bolded? The man you plan to marry doesn't care enough about you to stand up for you when his mother is being this inappropriate and rude to you. That's your real problem, not your whackjob FMIL who uses her religion as an excuse to be a rancid bitch to you.

What's going to happen if you have kids with this guy and Mommy gets all up in your grill over the parenting decisions you make? Weddig rings don't change personalities and they don't come with balls. If he won't stand up for you now, he certainly won't after you slide that ring on his finger.

delujm0

I agree, you need to straighten this out BEFORE the wedding.  If she's this up in arms about a wedding i can't even imagine how she's going to be when you have children.  a wedding is one day of her lunacy.  Once you have kids, it will last for the rest of her life.  are you prepared for that? 

 

The fact that she outwardly puts down your mother and her beliefs is a huge red flag.  Would you want your children around a grandmother who will put down their other grandmother in front of them?  If you don't think she'll do that, you're wrong.  and she'll likely do it when you and FI aren't around to hear it.  I'd have a hard time leaving my kids alone with someone like that.

 

You and FI need to get on the same page NOW.  HE needs to tell her exactly what won't be tolerated and you both need to enforce those standards.  If you say "talking negatively about amandaj424's mother and her beliefs will not be tolerated" and then she does it, get up and leave immediately.  This doesn't sound like a woman who thinks that she will be punished for her actions.  prove her wrong.

 

Also, if my FMIL pulled that crap with the psalm during the processional, i would die.  how embarassing for your FSIL.

 

Honestly, if you really want to get married in a Catholic church, personally, i would do it in one that FMIL is NOT affiliated with.  It's not that hard - you just have to show proof of having your sacrements.  And that way she has no "in" with the priest, and is less likely to become involved.

Fran1985

amandaj424 said:

My FI and I are Catholic but he comes from a much more religious family. I would consider myself and my family more spiritual than religious. Anyway, he wants to get married in the church where as I don't really care either way so I am willing to do it. We decided to get married in the church that he goes to and while I haven't talked to the priest yet I have gotten an earful from my FMIL about how it is going to be really difficult for us because I don't go regularly.  She keeps making it seem like it is going to be this huge problem because you are supposed to get married in the bride's church which means that I would need to get written permission from my priest but she says that will be difficult too because I don't really have a priest since I don't go to church every week. I know that the permission thing is the policy if neither of you are members of that particular parish but I mean my FMIL goes regularly to that church and my FI used to when he still lived in the area.  Part of me makes me think she is being passive aggressive about the fact that I don't go to church regularly. The other part of me is seriously wondering if it is this difficult to get married in the church if you don't go regularly. Those of you who did get married in the church, did you experience any of these hurdles that she is warning me about?

Today I got a phone call from her and she had told me that she had just been to the church and spoke with the priest and that the priest "groaned" when she told him I was not a member of the parish. First of all, I don't know how much of that I believe, I refuse to believe that a priest groaned at the fact that someone wanted to get married in his church, especially the son of a pretty generous member.  When my FI's brother got married (her stepson) she complained constantly that they weren't doing it in a church. They had a wine ceremony that she was invited to participate in and she refused because she thought it was honoring another god (which it was stated multiple times that it wasn't) and thus did not follow the church.  When my FI's sister got married (her daughter) she got married in the church but only had a ceremony, not a full mass, and FMIL complained for weeks about that too. Honestly, the more I talk to her about it and the more I think about it, the less I want to get married in the church.  As petty as this sounds, part of me wants to do this just so she doesn't get what she wants because I literally cannot take the constant hounding. 

FI and I had dinner at his parent's house on Sunday and she said prayer before we ate and she actually stood up and yelled "please please please God let them get married in the church". Like it is just so intense it is driving me nutty. Also, when she was being walked down the aisle by my FI at her daughter's wedding she actually stopped him in the middle of the aisle and raised her arms up and down because not enough people were singing along with the opening hymn. Believe me, I am a big promoter of "whatever floats your boat" but I just don't want her creating a scene at the wedding because not enough people are actively singing to the music.  My mom is a reiki master and takes classes on angel guides and all that stuff, stuff that my FMIL thinks is heresy.  Again, whatever floats your boat, but I get emails on the regular from her with articles about how the church does not believe in reiki and that I should try to get my mom to stop because she will end up in purgatory.  Then we were out for dinner last week and she and her daughter started making fun of reiki and the people who believe in it, right in front of me.  They were laughing hysterically about how it is all fake and the people who do it should just go to church so they can get some real healing and real guidance. They were basically making fun of my mom without saying it specifically and it made me very uncomfortable. FI, like many other guys, just sits there and says nothing. She also gave me a book about purgatory when I started doing yoga because that apparently is against the church.  I didn't know stretching was bad for the soul.... I don't believe in reiki but my mom does so I would never laugh at her for it. I would never laugh at anyone for their beliefs, regardless of how I felt about it. Believe what you want just don't push it on others.  My mom does not push her reiki on my FMIL so I don't understand why my FMIL is taking such a huge issue with it. 

The phone call today is what really sent me over the edge. I just cannot deal with this intense, exclusive, judgmental attitude that she has been putting out ever since we got engaged. She was never like this before but now it just doesn't stop and I feel like this is the first wedding related thing that is actually pushing me over the edge. Her passive aggressiveness is too much for me to handle. I just feel like I am an inch away from just exploding the next time she subtly mentions how those who believe in reiki will end up in purgatory. Ok, done now... thanks for reading if you made it this far

To the bolded- umm what? My FI would never let his mom say a word in the negative about me or my family even if I wasn't there! Nevermind if I was. You have a FI problem even more than a FMIL problem. If he is going to have a relationship with his mother he needs to start dealing with how she is affecting you. He should be the buffer here. But you don't have to sit there in silence either. Did you not say at dinner "FMIL, FSIL, you know my mother practices reiki. I don't appreciate hearing you talk about this subject in this way. Let's move on from this topic." But seriously, talk to your FI immediately about this issue. He should be the one stepping up to the plate and setting boundaries with his mom.

OliveOilsMom

In addition to what everyone else said, you need to stop speaking with your FMIL.  She can't say anything negative to you, if you aren't picking up the phone.  And also, you are allowed to stick up for yourself!  While your FI should have stepped in when his mother was speaking negatively about your mom - you also could have said something.  Even getting up and leaving dinner.  You don't need to sit there and take everything from her.

You should call and speak with the priests yourselves.  Did you set a date yet and book a reception hall?  The Church wants you to contact them first, meet with the priest, set the date and then have you go book your reception hall.  The only permissions we needed was a letter from the priest who we wanted to marry us asking permission from the pastor at our church to marry us there.

And as for the singing, you don't need to have an opening hymn sung for the wedding.  We used instrumentals for the processional and the recessional.  The singer sang all of the other hymns needed, but at least you will avoid FMIL requesting people to sing while she is escorted down the aisle.

leighks1

To address your earlier concern, both my husband and I are Catholic but he didn't go to or belong to a church before we got married. The priest at my church didn't have a problem with us getting married in the church. And while it may be an old tradition to get married in the bride's church, it's not a church requirement. I can't imaging you would have any problem getting married at your husband's church, but you can always ask the priest who would do the wedding. Maybe getting the ok directly from the priest will get your FMIL to simmer down.

mrsbanany

OliveOilsMom said:

In addition to what everyone else said, you need to stop speaking with your FMIL.  She can't say anything negative to you, if you aren't picking up the phone.  And also, you are allowed to stick up for yourself!  While your FI should have stepped in when his mother was speaking negatively about your mom - you also could have said something.  Even getting up and leaving dinner.  You don't need to sit there and take everything from her.

You should call and speak with the priests yourselves.  Did you set a date yet and book a reception hall?  The Church wants you to contact them first, meet with the priest, set the date and then have you go book your reception hall.  The only permissions we needed was a letter from the priest who we wanted to marry us asking permission from the pastor at our church to marry us there.

And as for the singing, you don't need to have an opening hymn sung for the wedding.  We used instrumentals for the processional and the recessional.  The singer sang all of the other hymns needed, but at least you will avoid FMIL requesting people to sing while she is escorted down the aisle.

We did book the reception hall.  With my FI's schedule we only had 1 weekend that would work for the wedding. Does this matter that much? I also told my FI about his mom sending me crazy emails and everything - which he had no idea about - and now he gets it. But anyway, we decided to get married at a different church, one that FMIL doesn't know the pries, neither of us are members, and it is too far of a drive for FMIL to have a casual conversation with the priest.  If this church can't do it for us on that day, we will go somewhere else I guess. Would we run into a problem since we haven't spoken with the church before we booked the reception venue?

kmmssg

You might - what if the church isn't available that day? 

delujm0

Well, the church may not be available on your desired date - if you have one VERY specific date that is the only one that will work, you should start contacting churches immediately so that you are sure to find one that is available on the date that you need.  Most of them will only do 1 or 2 ceremonies on a weekend.

 

With a Catholic church wedding, you also have to be careful about finding a church that will allow you to have a ceremony at a time that will make it possible for you to begin your cocktail hour immediately afterwards.  If you have already booked a reception venue starting at 6pm, but the only time the church allows Saturday weddings is 2pm, you have a problem.  It is very rude to not host your guests from the minute the ceremony starts until the minute the reception ends.  A lot of Catholic churches require that wedding ceremonies end at least an hour prior to their Saturday night mass.  So you may run into that issue.

 

There are some Catholic churces that either don't do Saturday night masses or will allow wedding ceremonies to occur after their Saturday night mass (7pm usually), so in my opinion those are usually the easiest ones to work with if you are planning to have an evening reception.  otherwise, you can have a church ceremony at 2pm with a cocktail hour starting at 3 or 3:30 (depending on how far the reception is from the church).

melbenso

While it is possible that your FMIL attends an incredibly conservative Catholic Church with its own rules, I can say with certainty that those rules do not pertain to the entire Catholic Church.  I grew up Catholic and I have never heard that the wedding must be at the bride's church.  Further, my parents got married in a Catholic Church (40 years ago) and my dad isn't Catholic, so I'm pretty sure the priest didn't care too much that you don't attend mass at another church regularly. 

Of course, in order to get married in a Catholic Church, you do have to take Catholic precana classes before the wedding.  But if my parents could do that with only one of them being Catholic, I'm sure you can with one of you being not terribly practicing.

The bigger question here is whether you and your FI want to get married in this church, especially if what your FMIL is saying is correct.  Keep in mind, if getting married in a Catholic ceremony is what you want, you and FI could always join another church now and get married there.

OliveOilsMom

Yes, contact this church immediately!  My church bulletin clearly says that you must contact the Church prior to booking any reception venue.  I would also immediately ask them if they can hold your date while you are awaiting your meeting with the priest.  Explain that this is the only weekend your FI could have the wedding and explain why to give them the full details, so that they might hold your date if it is currently available.

My church only penciled my date in because they were awaiting the letter from the priest who was marrying us.  I called back a week later to see if the letter arrived, it had - so my date was permanently secured.

HisGirlFriday13

melbenso said:

While it is possible that your FMIL attends an incredibly conservative Catholic Church with its own rules, I can say with certainty that those rules do not pertain to the entire Catholic Church.  I grew up Catholic and I have never heard that the wedding must be at the bride's church.  Further, my parents got married in a Catholic Church (40 years ago) and my dad isn't Catholic, so I'm pretty sure the priest didn't care too much that you don't attend mass at another church regularly. 

Of course, in order to get married in a Catholic Church, you do have to take Catholic precana classes before the wedding.  But if my parents could do that with only one of them being Catholic, I'm sure you can with one of you being not terribly practicing.

The bigger question here is whether you and your FI want to get married in this church, especially if what your FMIL is saying is correct.  Keep in mind, if getting married in a Catholic ceremony is what you want, you and FI could always join another church now and get married there.

Actually, no. You can't. Marriage in the Catholic Church is a sacrament, and in order for the Church to be willing to marry a couple, ONE OF THEM has to be a practising Catholic in good standing who is willing to commit to the promise of raising your kids Catholic. 

Surprisingly, the Catholic church isn't terribly big on half-assing your marriage sacrament. 

The bigger question does continue to be whether the OP and her FI want a Catholic Mass and want to raise their kids Catholic. If they don't, then this is a moot point. 

mrsbanany

I don't want a Catholic Mass, we have discussed it and we can do just the ceremony and it is still a sacrament so that is fine. As far as raising kids Catholic, yes we can do that.  I have a lot of issues with the Catholic church especially when it comes to all of those controversial issues that are totally outside of this conversation.  If it were up to me, I would not be getting married in the church but since I am not the only one getting married here, we were able to come to a compromise.  Honestly, I could go on and on about how I think having a Catholic ceremony outside is just the same (I know what the church thinks and this is just another area where we disagree).  I am not sure if his mom knows yet (that it will not be at her church and it won't be a full mass) but I am not going to tell her.  I am totally hands off when it comes to planning the ceremony. I left it to him to work out the details.  I planned the reception so that our timing is completely open.  We have the venue for the entire day so I just have to let them know when we will be there and then we get 5 hours starting at that time.  

ETA: Spelling