How bad can it be?

PrettyGirlLost

raeah219 said:

BMoreBride6 said:

raeah219 said:

This just a question to help me when I do my seating chart. Im afraid of what will happen if a guest shows up with an uninvited +1. What if they bring someone with them, and I havent assigned a seat for that person? What happens then? Im hoping none of my guests will be this rude, but I'm afraid of it happening. I'm inviting all married, engaged, and live in couples and of course seating them together. But some of our friends think its just automatic that you can bring a date to a wedding. 

What about non live in boyfriend/girlfriends of guests?  They should have been invited as well

Why? So no matter how long they have been dating, no matter if I know them or not,  they should be invited?

Oh God, not this again!

YES!  If your guests have significant others those people must be invited by name with your guest- no matter how long they have been dating, no matter if you have met this person or not.

Truly single guests do not need to be given a Plus 1.

delujm0

raeah219 said:

BMoreBride6 said:

raeah219 said:

This just a question to help me when I do my seating chart. Im afraid of what will happen if a guest shows up with an uninvited +1. What if they bring someone with them, and I havent assigned a seat for that person? What happens then? Im hoping none of my guests will be this rude, but I'm afraid of it happening. I'm inviting all married, engaged, and live in couples and of course seating them together. But some of our friends think its just automatic that you can bring a date to a wedding. 

What about non live in boyfriend/girlfriends of guests?  They should have been invited as well

Why? So no matter how long they have been dating, no matter if I know them or not,  they should be invited?

Yes.  If someone considers themselves to be in a relationship at the time the invitation go out, their significant other should be invited.  Just because you are getting married doesn't give you the right to opine on whether your friends' relationships are "serious enough" to merit a significant other invitation.

 

Example: FI's parents were engaged less than two months after meeting.  They have been married now for over 35 years.  So in that scenario, if you knew FI's dad, and your invitations went out when he had been dating FI's mom for 4 weeks, she would not have been invited.  Even though they would be engaged by the time your wedding actually rolled around.

 

You can never know how serious a relationship is unless you are one of the people in it.  Period.  Therefore, if you have a guest that refers to someone as their boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other, you should invite that significant other.  I've been invited to weddings where it was a "only if they're engaged or living together or married" situation, and I've seen friendships end with the bride and groom because of that policy.

raeah219

YES!  If your guests have significant others those people must be invited by name with your guest- no matter how long they have been dating, no matter if you have met this person or not.

Truly single guests do not need to be given a Plus 1.

Take a deep breath. No need to get huffy.  Ive never seen any posts about this. I'm learning. Thanks for enlightening me. 

Inkdancer

raeah219 said:

BMoreBride6 said:

raeah219 said:

This just a question to help me when I do my seating chart. Im afraid of what will happen if a guest shows up with an uninvited +1. What if they bring someone with them, and I havent assigned a seat for that person? What happens then? Im hoping none of my guests will be this rude, but I'm afraid of it happening. I'm inviting all married, engaged, and live in couples and of course seating them together. But some of our friends think its just automatic that you can bring a date to a wedding. 

What about non live in boyfriend/girlfriends of guests?  They should have been invited as well

Why? So no matter how long they have been dating, no matter if I know them or not,  they should be invited?

Absolutely yes. By only inviting some but not others, you're telling those people "your relationship isn't good enough for my standards." That's hurtful, even if you didn't intend it to be.

I know that you have no way of magically knowing if every one of your guests is or is not in a relationship. But it's okay to ask! Most people don't know that FI and I live together now, and I'd much prefer they ask instead of assuming anything.

You are in the clear if a guest starts dating someone after you send out your invitations. But if you talk to them before your wedding and they're seeing someone, that person should be invited.

This doesn't have to double your guest list. You already have plenty of married, engaged, and living together couples invited.

raeah219

Absolutely yes. By only inviting some but not others, you're telling those people "your relationship isn't good enough for my standards." That's hurtful, even if you didn't intend it to be.

I know that you have no way of magically knowing if every one of your guests is or is not in a relationship. But it's okay to ask! Most people don't know that FI and I live together now, and I'd much prefer they ask instead of assuming anything.

You are in the clear if a guest starts dating someone after you send out your invitations. But if you talk to them before your wedding and they're seeing someone, that person should be invited.

This doesn't have to double your guest list. You already have plenty of married, engaged, and living together couples invited.

That makes a lot of sense. Thank you. 

PrettyGirlLost

raeah219 said:

YES!  If your guests have significant others those people must be invited by name with your guest- no matter how long they have been dating, no matter if you have met this person or not.

Truly single guests do not need to be given a Plus 1.

Take a deep breath. No need to get huffy.  Ive never seen any posts about this. I'm learning. Thanks for enlightening me. 

I'm not huffy at all.

raeah219

PrettyGirlLost the whole "Oh God not this again" comment was a bit much. I hadnt seen any posts in the past about having to invite significant others. This is new to me. I'm very receptive to advice because I dont know much about weddings or wedding etiquette. So I'm sorry if this topic has been stated before and that its so annoying to you to have to talk about it again .

PrettyGirlLost

raeah219 said:

PrettyGirlLost the whole "Oh God not this again" comment was a bit much. I hadnt seen any posts in the past about having to invite significant others. This is new to me. I'm very receptive to advice because I dont know much about weddings or wedding etiquette. So I'm sorry if this topic has been stated before and that its so annoying to you to have to talk about it again .

Sorry, this topic comes up daily and I was afraid the thread was going to devolve into another argument on this topic.  I posted my answer in bold purple for the sake of lurkers.

phira

I think I'm going to write a plus one/significant other sticky.

@PrettyGirlLost Yeah, if you're having a mingling cocktail reception, a seating chart doesn't sound necessary.

PrettyGirlLost

phira said:

I think I'm going to write a plus one/significant other sticky.

@PrettyGirlLost Yeah, if you're having a mingling cocktail reception, a seating chart doesn't sound necessary.

Go for it!

phira

Working on it! I'm feeling so self-concious ahhhhhh

BMoreBride6

raeah219 said:

Absolutely yes. By only inviting some but not others, you're telling those people "your relationship isn't good enough for my standards." That's hurtful, even if you didn't intend it to be.

I know that you have no way of magically knowing if every one of your guests is or is not in a relationship. But it's okay to ask! Most people don't know that FI and I live together now, and I'd much prefer they ask instead of assuming anything.

You are in the clear if a guest starts dating someone after you send out your invitations. But if you talk to them before your wedding and they're seeing someone, that person should be invited.

This doesn't have to double your guest list. You already have plenty of married, engaged, and living together couples invited.

That makes a lot of sense. Thank you. 

Thank you for being receptive.  Most get defensive in a "it's my day I'll do what I want!" way.  Just to reiterate...my husband and I dated for 8 years before getting engaged and choose not to live together before we were married.  By your original rules, I wouldn't have been invited if you had invited my husband before we were engaged.  That actually did happen to us once (he received the invite before we were engaged, but we were married by the time the wedding came around).  I wasn't initially invited and was pretty hurt my it considering others who had been dating for a fraction of the time we add were invited as a pair because they choose to live together.  Although this was the wedding of a good friend of his, my husband would not have attended if they had not changed the invite to include both of us. 

aurianna

Every wedding I've been to without assigned seating I had at least one awkward or uncomfortable moment.
Every wedding I went to that I knew few people at, but had thoughtfully assigned seating, I had a good experience, because the host sat us with nice people we had things in common with.

I finished the seating chart for my wedding while I was in the chair getting my pedicure the morning of the wedding. It won't take that long. Good luck!

Jchi001

Holy cow,

I had no idea I asked such a hot button issue. After some sleep, some advice from the wedding coordinator and a short talk with my FH and Mom, I went ahead and did a seating chart with  my Mom who only helped with the guest she knew would like to sit together and because they are the largest group outside of family, she got first choice on two of the five largest tables.

Has it been easy?

No. Because I had to revise the list three times over the course of five days because suddenly people were cancelling or asking to be added the last minute. -- Even  now I still have two guests who I have flagged a needing seats, but I will have to let the wedding coordinator shoe horn them in if they actually come -- still some disagreement about it that I am letting the FMIL handle. My parents even yelled at me for a seating they chose, if you can believe it.

Perhaps everyone else on this post has arrived at this conclusion, but with the stakes of a wedding being so high for family and friends, they need to be reassured by every minute planning detail. Personally I hate micro managing and being micromanaged so this wedding has been a nonstop nightmare for me, which is why I am very glad to have a chance to post questions.

I do sympathize with relatives and friends refusing to at an assigned seat.-- The last seating arrangement I experienced was a misery because there were two last minute guests that I had to entertain while the cousins who were supposed to sit next to me were moved to the far side of the wedding hall. An RSVP plus one  is a good idea, but a name is even better, there is a last minute RSVP who did not mention the name of her guest and it seems awkward to put "Guest" on a place card.

MrsAitch

Inkdancer said:

raeah219 said:

BMoreBride6 said:

raeah219 said:

This just a question to help me when I do my seating chart. Im afraid of what will happen if a guest shows up with an uninvited +1. What if they bring someone with them, and I havent assigned a seat for that person? What happens then? Im hoping none of my guests will be this rude, but I'm afraid of it happening. I'm inviting all married, engaged, and live in couples and of course seating them together. But some of our friends think its just automatic that you can bring a date to a wedding. 

What about non live in boyfriend/girlfriends of guests?  They should have been invited as well

Why? So no matter how long they have been dating, no matter if I know them or not,  they should be invited?

Absolutely yes. By only inviting some but not others, you're telling those people "your relationship isn't good enough for my standards." That's hurtful, even if you didn't intend it to be.

I know that you have no way of magically knowing if every one of your guests is or is not in a relationship. But it's okay to ask! Most people don't know that FI and I live together now, and I'd much prefer they ask instead of assuming anything.

You are in the clear if a guest starts dating someone after you send out your invitations. But if you talk to them before your wedding and they're seeing someone, that person should be invited.

This doesn't have to double your guest list. You already have plenty of married, engaged, and living together couples invited.

What about if a guest has someone that they refer to as their "friend" and have never referred to this individual as their significant other in any way, but brings them occasionally to family events and holds hands with them, and sees them all the time, and basically acts like this is their significant other? But they refuse to call this person boyfriend/girlfriend/SO/partner anything like that. I have two guests with this situation. I just ended up writing "and guest" on their envelopes--I hope this wasn't too rude, but at the same time, be an adult and tell me this person is your significant other if that's what they are! One of these individuals is an elderly windower, so I kind of understand his awkwardness, but the other is a 20-something who can be a bit immature at times. I felt we didn't need to invite her "friend" but we went ahead and wrote "and guest" anyway.

Sorry. Maybe I am being silly but I find it annoying that this individual won't just man up and say "this is my boyfriend," and if she can't do that, why should I treat them as if they are a couple, if they refuse to tell anyone that they are a couple. Maybe they aren't even a couple--how would I know anyway!?

crunchymamaof2

Jchi001 said:

Holy cow,

I had no idea I asked such a hot button issue. After some sleep, some advice from the wedding coordinator and a short talk with my FH and Mom, I went ahead and did a seating chart with  my Mom who only helped with the guest she knew would like to sit together and because they are the largest group outside of family, she got first choice on two of the five largest tables.

Has it been easy?

No. Because I had to revise the list three times over the course of five days because suddenly people were cancelling or asking to be added the last minute. -- Even  now I still have two guests who I have flagged a needing seats, but I will have to let the wedding coordinator shoe horn them in if they actually come -- still some disagreement about it that I am letting the FMIL handle. My parents even yelled at me for a seating they chose, if you can believe it.

Perhaps everyone else on this post has arrived at this conclusion, but with the stakes of a wedding being so high for family and friends, they need to be reassured by every minute planning detail. Personally I hate micro managing and being micromanaged so this wedding has been a nonstop nightmare for me, which is why I am very glad to have a chance to post questions.

I do sympathize with relatives and friends refusing to at an assigned seat.-- The last seating arrangement I experienced was a misery because there were two last minute guests that I had to entertain while the cousins who were supposed to sit next to me were moved to the far side of the wedding hall. An RSVP plus one  is a good idea, but a name is even better, there is a last minute RSVP who did not mention the name of her guest and it seems awkward to put "Guest" on a place card.

Seating charts are hard for many, many couples. But that's part of wedding planning. You can certainly have unassigned seating but like a pp said you'll need to provide more seating than with assigned tables (I think at least 20% more is he number I've heard on here). And everyone who has responded with a yes needs to be assigned a table (much easier than assigning seats btw) so I'm not sure why your coordinator would have to shoe horn them if they (gasp) dared to show up. Having each guests' name is preferred but sometimes that's not possible. Putting "guest of John Doe" or "John Doe and guest" is acceptable. I truly don't know why you're letting yourself be micromanaged. If others aren't paying they don't get a say and if they're causing you this much stress it's time to stop the wedding talk with theme planning your own wedding shouldn't be this damn miserable.