warning: long post, but it's a LONG story. was i rude? what do you think?

jenna8984

I would have left sooner if i were you and taken husband with me!!

OK I apologize for highjacking- I also had a situation happen a few months ago that I'm still unsure how to handle and unsure if I was in the wrong. Just wondering if I could get a quick perspective from people.
I'll give the shortest version possible. My brothers wedding, I was a BM. My ex roommate/ good friend came up to me at the reception and said "hey you wanna drive my car home so I can drink?" I don't drink. I said uum ok FI has to leave early anyways and he's my ride so that's fine. She got absolutely smashed. A bunch of friends were going to a bar for an after party so I said yes we can go. At the bar she was so drunk she was making out with a total stranger at the bar and ignored me and our friends for a solid hour. I finally said enough, this isn't fun for me. I asked a friend to take me home and I left her keys with a sober mutual friend who agreed to take her home. I didn't tell her and I just left.

The next day I got the nastiest phone call from her about what an awful person I am and she would never leave a friend like that and she lost her purse because I wasn't there to watch after it/her. Come to find out she drunkenly freaked on the sober driver and punched him in the face so he left her and she drive herself home.

I apologized and said I should have told you I was leaving and offered you to come. But i told her she needs to take responsibility for her own actions. She didn't prior arrange me as a ride she had the nerve to ask me to babysit her the night of MY brothers wedding. And it wasn't MY fault that she punched her driver I left her with. We were friends for 5 years and now she refuses saying she can't forgive me for leaving her.

I realize I should have said no from the moment she asked for the ride but I fucked up there. Was the rest really that unreasonable of me??

pinkshorts27

jenna8984 I think where you messed up was not telling her you were ready to go. She might have been willing to leave at that point and you should have given her the option. Did she know the other driver? If so, not a huge deal, but would have been nice to tell her you were leaving her keys with Friend2. If she didn't know Friend2, then you did mess up. 

But things that are not your responsibility: preventing her from hooking up with people, making sure she doesn't drink too much, watching her purse, etc.

ETA: our friends have a rule when we go out. Designated driver wants to go home, we go with. We take turns being DD so no one leaves too early in the night. 

mysticl

flutterbride2b said:

Molly&Domenic said:

But seriously... Is it normal to ask bridesmaids and groomsmen who are not a couple to dance together? I would feel really awkward if someone told me I had to dance with a stranger.

I've never seen this and think it sounds weird.

OP, my heart was breaking for you as I read your post.  You were DEFINITELY not rude.  Be happy you've never had to cross their paths again, nobody deserves to be treated like that.

I've seen this at several weddings.  However, it's been many years (decades) since I've seen it.  The way I saw it done was the bride and groom would start their first dance.  Then both sets of parents would join them, then the bridal party would join them dancing with their assigned partner.  Sometime during the dance the bride would then dance with her dad while the groom danced with her mom, then the groom would dance with his mom while the bride danced with his dad.  This lasted for one song, 2 tops (if the bide and groom had a whole song to themselves) so the bridal party was only dancing for a couple of minutes.  I never saw them have every member of the bridal party dance with every opposite sex member of party though.  

OP, you were so not in the wrong at all.  If there is any Karma in this world then someone will give that bride the same "honor" and make her use the servants entrance.  

JCbride2015

jenna8984 said:

I would have left sooner if i were you and taken husband with me!! OK I apologize for highjacking- I also had a situation happen a few months ago that I'm still unsure how to handle and unsure if I was in the wrong. Just wondering if I could get a quick perspective from people. I'll give the shortest version possible. My brothers wedding, I was a BM. My ex roommate/ good friend came up to me at the reception and said "hey you wanna drive my car home so I can drink?" I don't drink. I said uum ok FI has to leave early anyways and he's my ride so that's fine. She got absolutely smashed. A bunch of friends were going to a bar for an after party so I said yes we can go. At the bar she was so drunk she was making out with a total stranger at the bar and ignored me and our friends for a solid hour. I finally said enough, this isn't fun for me. I asked a friend to take me home and I left her keys with a sober mutual friend who agreed to take her home. I didn't tell her and I just left. The next day I got the nastiest phone call from her about what an awful person I am and she would never leave a friend like that and she lost her purse because I wasn't there to watch after it/her. Come to find out she drunkenly freaked on the sober driver and punched him in the face so he left her and she drive herself home. I apologized and said I should have told you I was leaving and offered you to come. But i told her she needs to take responsibility for her own actions. She didn't prior arrange me as a ride she had the nerve to ask me to babysit her the night of MY brothers wedding. And it wasn't MY fault that she punched her driver I left her with. We were friends for 5 years and now she refuses saying she can't forgive me for leaving her. I realize I should have said no from the moment she asked for the ride but I fucked up there. Was the rest really that unreasonable of me??

Your friend was definitely irresponsible.  I think the only thing you did wrong was not tell her you were leaving-- maybe she would have been ready to go, or at least she would have known who was supposed to drive her.

I had a similar situation with a friend a few years ago.  She ruined our whole night, needed to be babysat, and then blamed Fi for "losing" her leather jacket.  Really: Fi asked her if he could take her coat.  She said no because it's expensive and she wants to wear it.  At some point during the night, she put it down and then picked up somebody else's fake leather jacket thinking it was hers.  No bitch, don't blame Fi for your drunken fool self.

Our friendship fizzled after that night, I wonder why?

AzAnnie

You stuck in there longer then I would have. As soon as I was told to sit on the bench and await my "orders" I would have told them all to fuck off!

Vivandiere8

Blue_Bird said:

That is just unbelievable. I am so sorry that happened to you, and I'm happy these people are out of your life. This should be posted as a cautionary tale to brides who want to "include" people by making them "Personal Attendants". I also recommend posting this story on Etiquette Hell.

Edited for spelling.

I agree with this. You should go post this in Etiquette Hell  http://www.etiquettehell.com/

happybride42

yeah,I suppose you could have told your friend you were ready to leave but you did leave her safe with friends. she had no right to flip out at you. she needs a babysitter, not friends, when she goes out. I don't get women who make hot messes of themselves and then blame the world. but some people know no shame. they're not having a good time til they make an a$$ out of them self in vivid technicolor.

happybride42

oh and I forgot to add that the fact that she put hands on somebody, don't care if she was drunk, pretty much leaves her without a leg to stand on when it comes to telling you how to behave. that's so far outside of any bounds of civilized behaviour I can't even fathom it. I hope she was mortified by having done that.

themuffinman16

To the OP.... I love how you asked if walking out was rude of you.  I would have been delighted to be rude to someone who treated me so horribly.  And rude isn't walking out... that's taking the high road (IMHO).  I know it was her wedding day, but that is no excuse. She sounds like a terrible human being. If the bride thought that was rude of you, it was probably because you weren't finished with daily chores. You are a guest, they have vendors for a reason. Vendors are okay with sitting in another room because they are working and they are not there to socialize. Treating you like it was your job to be their DOC is totally unacceptable.  If your coworkers think you were in the wrong, then they are just as selfish as the bride.  You need to get as far away from them as you can.  I am so glad your life is moving in such a positive direction. Best of luck to you and your future husband.

jenna8984

stonermoog said:

oh and I forgot to add that the fact that she put hands on somebody, don't care if she was drunk, pretty much leaves her without a leg to stand on when it comes to telling you how to behave. that's so far outside of any bounds of civilized behaviour I can't even fathom it. I hope she was mortified by having done that.

Oh she was, the deleted her FB and all pics from the night and was very embarrassed with her actions of the whole night. Yet she still blames me lol. If she were not so drunk and she were spending time with our group of friends at the bar, I never would have left without telling her. But the fact that she ditched us all to make out with a stranger all night I was fed up and felt like I didn't owe her shit. And yes she knew the friend I left her keys with. 

[Deleted User]

@OP You put up with way more than a lot of people (myself included) would have. How you were treated by this bride, her mother, and your ex-husband is just mind boggling. Hugs to you and very happy that you have a man now who knows how to treat you

FiancB

OP, that's incredible. FI has been in several wedding parties without me and I was never asked to do anything. I was a little miffed I couldn't eat with him, but I did get sat with other girls in the same position that I enjoy being around so it hasn't been a big deal. 

It wasn't rude of you to leave at all, aside from it being because of all the crap she pulled. People leave early all the time, whether they're tired or need to get home or whatever. The reception is a thank you to the guests, therefore the guests can leave whenever they please. You stuck out through the "dinner" and all the dances so really, you didn't miss anything. 

Jenna, this friend sounds like a hot mess but I would've told her I was leaving and had arranged a new ride for her. I think that would have made a big difference. Regardless, she sounds like a piece of work that I wouldn't be too eager to hang out with again.

indianaalum

I would have left WAY before in that situation. How completely rude. I am sorry that happened to you. No person should be treated so poorly

indianaalum

Molly&Domenic said:

But seriously... Is it normal to ask bridesmaids and groomsmen who are not a couple to dance together? I would feel really awkward if someone told me I had to dance with a stranger.

I have actually seen it at alot of weddings, but I chose not to do it because I found it awkward when I had to do it myself

cowgirl8238

I am so sorry that anyone would do that to you.  I hope that by finally letting it all out you feel some relief.  I can only imagine how much that bothered you all this time, especially after being told by co-workers that you were in the wrong!

Also, I am so happy to hear tha tyou found someone who treats you better.  It is sad what happened to your ex-husband, but it sounds like you made the best of it all by learning from your mistakes and taking a more positive view on things. 

abbyj700

You're a much better woman than me. I would have pointed out that I'm not a vendor. Vendors get paid - and they still deserve to be treated with respect. 

I'm so sorry for the loss of your ex-husband. I know you were no longer married at the time of his death - but I'm sure that was still a horrible situation in the long run. 

huskypuppy14

Blue_Bird said:

That is just unbelievable. I am so sorry that happened to you, and I'm happy these people are out of your life. This should be posted as a cautionary tale to brides who want to "include" people by making them "Personal Attendants". I also recommend posting this story on Etiquette Hell.

Edited for spelling.

Yea please send this to etiquette hell!!

happybride42

thank you for your kind words.  i was surprised how hard his death hit me.  we weren't really on the greatest terms at the time. it was the saddest funeral i have ever attended.  we were all sobbing our eyes out.  43 felt too young to be having an aneurysm somehow.  (but then i think alot of my generation still feels like we are 15 year olds inside.)  and his little girl was there, in her buggy, right in front of his casket practically.  it was the first time i had seen her and she was just gorgeous and gurgly and giggly.  it kills me that she will never get to know her daddy.  i get upset just thinking about it.

Amyzen83

I hope you don't mind if I too jack this thread as this reminds me of a story my mom told me this weekend. My dad was best man at his brother's first wedding, and at this point my parents were already married. I find this funny because despite this bride's many etiquette fax pas, my mom naively disregarded the rudeness by doing things anyway! Lol!

1. My mom told me that she didn't know that she wasn't supposed to sit with my grandparents, (father and mother of the groom) in the first row. My response: um, yea you can, by law you are now uncle __'s sister. So you get to sit with the family.

2. My mom didn't know she wasn't supposed to sit at the head table, but my dad was best man and she wanted to sit with my dad. So she sat there anyway LOL! My response: Well head tables are rude because it's rude to separate people from their SO's.

There were a few other rude things of the bride and groom that she mentioned but I forgot. I flat out told my mom, "Honestly, it sounds like uncle __'s wife's a bitch! She was the one being rude by insisting on those things" My mom said, "At that time I hadn't been to too many weddings so I was a bit too naive to be offended. I wasn't quite sure what the wedding rules were." I told her that what she described was rudeness and not a "thing" and should never be accepted as a "thing" and bride was a bitch! I hadn't really met my uncle's first wife, but she sounded like a REAL peach. Her brother was a lawyer, so it's not surprise that after "auntie" divorced my uncle, he got screwed over with custody of their child.

On an upbeat note, his second wife who I actually consider my aunt, has been wonderful to him and they have the most adorable son, and he adopted her two sons from her previous marriage.

happybride42

I struggled a bit with the seating at my first wedding. I absolutely refused to separate SOs from each other. We solved it by sitting at a table with the BMs & GMs that we rarely got to see, came from far away, etc.. people in the wedding we saw everyday sat with their SOs at a table where they all knew each other. I would have felt weird at an enormous head table with every member of the party and their SO. that felt way too formal and how can you talk to people if you're up on a dais, at one long table? I also made it a huge point to spend the whole reception circulating. I am not a dancer and we had a more laid back scene. so I was able to really spend time with everybody. I don't know if what I did was against etiquette or not but my priority was to never separate the pair who came together.

yogablossom

I can't believe these people would treat you like this! I wanted to cry with you while I read this! No, I don't think you were rude at all! You were treated very unfairly and in my head, I feel iike THEY were the rude ones, not you! I probably would have done exactly as you did--you simply fulfilled your "duties" (which were terrible!) but you did it with grace, and when the time was right, you quietly slipped away without making a scene. I say you did everything with grace and should not feel as though you were rude.

Also. I am SO glad to hear you and ex are no longer together and that you've found a man who will treat you with the respect and dignity that you deserve! You so very much deserve to be happy

happybride42

thank you so much.  sometimes i wish i would have stuck around only to see just how far Mother of the Bride would have gone... were there more jobs lined up for me to do as the reception went on?... maybe i was supposed to clean the toilets and help the waitstaff with their sidework too??? lolol 

laurenstlouis

Oh man, I was on the verge of tears just reading your story! You're a saint to even stay as long as you did, I would have been a wreck and ditched way earlier! You were absolutely, totally, and wholly justified in leaving. 

(And, like everyone else has said, I'm so thrilled you're now with someone who knows how to treat you as you should be treated! Congrats on that!)

Amyzen83

Honestly OP u handled things much better than I would have! I would have "accidently" spilled red wine strategically on the lower front of bitch brides gown. Then accidentally pushed mob as I walk by her, and then say, oops I'm sorry your big ass is in my way! You are definately the better person than I am.

BellaVina

All I can say is "wow"! I can't imagine treating anyone like that, including the actual vendors! I wonder if your ex asked her to do something like that, so he could be free to 'mingle'? Or sounds like maybe she had a thing for your Ex. I don't know, but that was definitely all wrong! You are a Saint! Was so glad to read you were no longer married. Best wishes on your new journey!

Grabows14

stonermoog said:

thank you so much.  sometimes i wish i would have stuck around only to see just how far Mother of the Bride would have gone... were there more jobs lined up for me to do as the reception went on?... maybe i was supposed to clean the toilets and help the waitstaff with their sidework too??? lolol 

Sucks that you kept this inside you for so long, and then got told off by your coworkers... Typically if someone does something to make you feel bad and awkward, 99.99% of the time it's because they did something wrong. I'm glad that things since then have worked out for you!

happybride42

you know, BellaVina, that thought never occurred to me but honestly, you may very well be right.  my exhusband was VERY close to the bride.  in the previous year he had gone up to san francisco, spent the weekend with her partying and then helped her move (the groom was off on tour a the time.)  i didn't bat an eye about that.  i know they got wasted together that weekend.  after learning that he pretty much slept with anybody and everybody without me knowing all those years ANYTHING is considered possible as far as i am concerned.  it's still kind of stunning how dumb, clueless and naive i was. 

pumpkinsandturkeys

I'm just floored by this whole thing. You stuck it out a LOT longer than I would have, that's for sure! And you handled it with much more dignity.

I'm glad that you aren't still with the asshat who didn't notice you weren't eating in the same room and who so helpfully assisted the BMs in getting undressed. Jesus.