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PARENTS CANNOT COME TO MY WEDDING

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Re: PARENTS CANNOT COME TO MY WEDDING

  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited February 2014
    I think you have to decide what is more important...a big beach wedding, or having your parents present.  One of my friends was in PA school when her brother got engaged.  His FI always dreamed of a destination beach wedding.  They planned that wedding during my friend's finals and there was no way for her to miss them without failing.  She missed her brother's wedding because the FI was more concerned about having her perfect dream beach wedding.  This was years ago and she is still deeply hurt by it. 
    That's kind of shocking to me, to be honest. I wouldn't expect anyone else to alter their plans simply because I had things going on in my own life. Would I like to be there? Of course. But I'd react much the same way the other poster's Granny did and encourage them to move forward with their plans, whether or not I could personally attend. And I certainly wouldn't harbor ill will over it, years later.

    If it was a friend or a cousin or some other distant relative I would agree with you @jenniferus but I would think that the groom's sister would be an VIP guest. If my sister had her wedding at a time or place where I couldn't attend and she knew that it would be hurtful. I totally get that.
    I guess I'm just different. I'd love to be at my brother's wedding, but I would never expect him to hold it in the city I live in, if that's not what he and his fiancé wanted.
    It's all about family dynamics.  It also might be a case that she thought they were closer than she thought they were.

    No way in hell I would have had a wedding without my sister there or one of my brothers.  My other brother I couldn't care less if he was there or not.   On the flip side, I would have been devastated not to be at my sister's or brother #1 wedding.  Again the other brother I would not have cared as much. I went because of family obligation

    ETA - I would also think poorly of my DH if he insisted on a wedding during a time where my sister could not attend.   I would find it disrespectful to my feelings.  Oblivious I don't know if the brother wanted his sister there and caved or if he just didn't care.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    NYCBruinAshleyNicole1218PrettyGirlLost
  • sarahuflsarahufl New York member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    It was a no-brainer that my parents, siblings, their spouses, and their kids (I know, KIDS) absolutely, 100% had to be at my wedding. No questions asked.
    image
    jdluvr06AshleyNicole1218
  • sarahufl said:
    It was a no-brainer that my parents, siblings, their spouses, and their kids (I know, KIDS) absolutely, 100% had to be at my wedding. No questions asked.
    Same.
  • banana468 said:

    jdluvr06 said:



    I think you have to decide what is more important...a big beach wedding, or having your parents present.  One of my friends was in PA school when her brother got engaged.  His FI always dreamed of a destination beach wedding.  They planned that wedding during my friend's finals and there was no way for her to miss them without failing.  She missed her brother's wedding because the FI was more concerned about having her perfect dream beach wedding.  This was years ago and she is still deeply hurt by it. 

    That's kind of shocking to me, to be honest. I wouldn't expect anyone else to alter their plans simply because I had things going on in my own life. Would I like to be there? Of course. But I'd react much the same way the other poster's Granny did and encourage them to move forward with their plans, whether or not I could personally attend. And I certainly wouldn't harbor ill will over it, years later.




    If it was a friend or a cousin or some other distant relative I would agree with you @jenniferus but I would think that the groom's sister would be an VIP guest. If my sister had her wedding at a time or place where I couldn't attend and she knew that it would be hurtful. I totally get that.
    I guess I'm just different. I'd love to be at my brother's wedding, but I would never expect him to hold it in the city I live in, if that's not what he and his fiancé wanted.

    I can't imagine planning a wedding at a time that we knew VIPs wouldn't be able to make it. BIL took the bar exam the summer we were married and we made sure that our date didn't conflict with his exams. IMO, it's one thing if a date is set and something comes up but a considerate couple doesn't put their desires first if it knowingly excludes important guests.


    Doesn't that go both ways though? Wouldn't a considerate sister not put her desires first if it substantially changes the plans of the bride and groom?
  • No, I'm suggesting that the sister shouldn't expect the bride and groom to change their plans simply out of her own desire to be there.
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I think you have to decide what is more important...a big beach wedding, or having your parents present.  One of my friends was in PA school when her brother got engaged.  His FI always dreamed of a destination beach wedding.  They planned that wedding during my friend's finals and there was no way for her to miss them without failing.  She missed her brother's wedding because the FI was more concerned about having her perfect dream beach wedding.  This was years ago and she is still deeply hurt by it. 
    That's kind of shocking to me, to be honest. I wouldn't expect anyone else to alter their plans simply because I had things going on in my own life. Would I like to be there? Of course. But I'd react much the same way the other poster's Granny did and encourage them to move forward with their plans, whether or not I could personally attend. And I certainly wouldn't harbor ill will over it, years later.

    If it was a friend or a cousin or some other distant relative I would agree with you @jenniferus but I would think that the groom's sister would be an VIP guest. If my sister had her wedding at a time or place where I couldn't attend and she knew that it would be hurtful. I totally get that.
    I guess I'm just different. I'd love to be at my brother's wedding, but I would never expect him to hold it in the city I live in, if that's not what he and his fiancé wanted.
    I can't imagine planning a wedding at a time that we knew VIPs wouldn't be able to make it. BIL took the bar exam the summer we were married and we made sure that our date didn't conflict with his exams. IMO, it's one thing if a date is set and something comes up but a considerate couple doesn't put their desires first if it knowingly excludes important guests.
    Doesn't that go both ways though? Wouldn't a considerate sister not put her desires first if it substantially changes the plans of the bride and groom?
    One can be hurt and disappointed without making a scene to make the couple change their plans.   
    I would be absolutely devastated had my sister made plans during finals week basically eliminated any chance I could attend.   Finals only are a week or 2, I would wonder why they couldn't wait until I was done?   That said, I would have not asked my sister to change her plans. 






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    NYCBruinkmmssgAshleyNicole1218
  • lyndausvi said:



    banana468 said:

    jdluvr06 said:



    I think you have to decide what is more important...a big beach wedding, or having your parents present.  One of my friends was in PA school when her brother got engaged.  His FI always dreamed of a destination beach wedding.  They planned that wedding during my friend's finals and there was no way for her to miss them without failing.  She missed her brother's wedding because the FI was more concerned about having her perfect dream beach wedding.  This was years ago and she is still deeply hurt by it. 

    That's kind of shocking to me, to be honest. I wouldn't expect anyone else to alter their plans simply because I had things going on in my own life. Would I like to be there? Of course. But I'd react much the same way the other poster's Granny did and encourage them to move forward with their plans, whether or not I could personally attend. And I certainly wouldn't harbor ill will over it, years later.




    If it was a friend or a cousin or some other distant relative I would agree with you @jenniferus but I would think that the groom's sister would be an VIP guest. If my sister had her wedding at a time or place where I couldn't attend and she knew that it would be hurtful. I totally get that.
    I guess I'm just different. I'd love to be at my brother's wedding, but I would never expect him to hold it in the city I live in, if that's not what he and his fiancé wanted.

    I can't imagine planning a wedding at a time that we knew VIPs wouldn't be able to make it. BIL took the bar exam the summer we were married and we made sure that our date didn't conflict with his exams. IMO, it's one thing if a date is set and something comes up but a considerate couple doesn't put their desires first if it knowingly excludes important guests.
    Doesn't that go both ways though? Wouldn't a considerate sister not put her desires first if it substantially changes the plans of the bride and groom?

    One can be hurt and disappointed without making a scene to make the couple change their plans.   
    I would be absolutely devastated had my sister made plans during finals week basically eliminated any chance I could attend.   Finals only are a week or 2, I would wonder why they couldn't wait until I was done?   That said, I would have not asked my sister to change her plans. 


    Fair enough.
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    banana468 said:
    No, I'm suggesting that the sister shouldn't expect the bride and groom to change their plans simply out of her own desire to be there.
    I'm saying that they should have not made the plans in the first place. We knew a year in advance when BIL would take the bar. College schedules are posted well in advance. Sometimes you can't plan for everything but you certainly can clear the schedule with the VIPs at least once.



    ***  STUCK IN BOX

    This.  The fact the sister was in college is not a surprise.   Colleges generally have finals at the end of semesters.  I would think if you were planning a DW during those times it just makes sense to check with your college VIPs when theirs falls in order to maybe avoid those dates.  

    But again, sister might think she is closer to her brother than she really is and he just didn't care about her attendance.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    kmmssgPrettyGirlLost
  • banana468 said:

    No, I'm suggesting that the sister shouldn't expect the bride and groom to change their plans simply out of her own desire to be there.

    I'm saying that they should have not made the plans in the first place. We knew a year in advance when BIL would take the bar. College schedules are posted well in advance. Sometimes you can't plan for everything but you certainly can clear the schedule with the VIPs at least once.
    Why should they have not made the plans? They obviously didn't care if she made it or not. Who are we to judge who their VIPs should be?
  • lyndausvi said:
    No, I'm suggesting that the sister shouldn't expect the bride and groom to change their plans simply out of her own desire to be there.
    I'm saying that they should have not made the plans in the first place. We knew a year in advance when BIL would take the bar. College schedules are posted well in advance. Sometimes you can't plan for everything but you certainly can clear the schedule with the VIPs at least once.
    Why should they have not made the plans? They obviously didn't care if she made it or not. Who are we to judge who their VIPs should be?
     She obviously thought more of her relationship to her brother than he did.  So I'm going to say her hurt and disappointment more than likely stems from finding her brother doesn't care about her attendance.   That can be hard pill to swallow.   It sucks when something like that hits you in the face.
    Yes, this is a very tight family and I think was a complete shock to her to find out they had made those plans.  The parents weren't exactly thrilled either.  She never made a scene, but I do know she was very hurt by it.  
    PrettyGirlLost
  • banana468 said:

    No, I'm suggesting that the sister shouldn't expect the bride and groom to change their plans simply out of her own desire to be there.

    I'm saying that they should have not made the plans in the first place. We knew a year in advance when BIL would take the bar. College schedules are posted well in advance. Sometimes you can't plan for everything but you certainly can clear the schedule with the VIPs at least once.
    Why should they have not made the plans? They obviously didn't care if she made it or not. Who are we to judge who their VIPs should be?
    I'm saying that IF you have VIPs then you check with them. If you don't, you can expect a variety of hurt feelings when you don't check with them and they can't make it.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • ....so, OP, what's the decision?

    (I keep checking this thread waiting to see an answer!)
  • OP, you've gotten lots of good advice - even if it seems straightforward/blunt. I live in IA and am getting married in just a few weeks - PM me if you have questions/ideas about potential venues, vendors, etc. :)
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