"Sharing" our wedding weekend? Help.

jaime232

Hi there,

So, here are the facts.  I got engaged in November, and we're getting married next November (2014).  My cousin is in the military and got engaged in October, and we kind of knew there was a chance that our weddings might be near each other's, but he didn't start making plans, and I did.. Anyway, he and his fiancee got married last Friday at the courthouse, and now I'm hearing through the grapevine (because apparently he's too scared to actually say stuff to my face about this) that he wants to have his wedding the same weekend (we're getting married on a Friday) so our family doesn't have to travel twice.  I'm livid.  I don't know why my fiance and I should have to share our weekend that we are waiting a LONG time for so that he and his ACTUAL WIFE can have a fake wedding the same weekend.  Of course, I feel like a bridezilla because why shouldn't I want to save my family money... but let's say hypothetically I wasn't engaged yet, but I got engaged tonight, and my wedding was next March instead of November.. should I expect that half of my family won't be there because they won't travel twice?  

I just don't get why anyone would think that's ever a good idea, except maybe a bride who is ALREADY married and doesn't give a sh*t about stealing thunder from someone's actual wedding.  Sorry, I'm frustrated and angry and hurt, actually.  Curious what you all think would be the best way to deal with this.

Ven&Radio

First of all, your cousin has already had a wedding.

Second, you get one DAY for your wedding.  Not a weekend, not a week, not a month -- one day.

AprilH81

I feel for you, but there isn't any thing you can do about it.  The minute you open your mouth to say something you come off as being the bad guy. 

You get one day (Friday) and as long as they don't throw their farce of a "wedding" on the same day there isn't anything you can do.

vk2204

I know everyone says that you get one day, but I would be upset by this too. I don't want to spend the day after my wedding getting ready for a PPD. Do you know if they are just having a celebration or are they actually calling it a wedding - with a fake ceremony and all?

HisGirlFriday13

Normally, I would say you get a day, not a weekend. And that's still true -- you get one day.

BUT -- so do they, and they already had it. They don't get a PPD just because they want a big party. They're married. The ship for their 'wedding day' has sailed.

If they had wanted their family there, they should have thought of that before getting married without any family present. They don't get a do-over.

I think the best way to deal with it is not to say anything until it's brought up to you, and then when it is, say, 'Wedding? But they're already married. Why do they need a wedding? Did they get divorced?'

That will at least embarrass them a little.

Senecaf

Unfortunately there isn't anything you can do. Enjoy planning your wedding and then your day whining thinking nothing of theirs. I also think it would be perfectly acceptable to for you to not attend their PPD.

sarahufl

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Normally, I would say you get a day, not a weekend. And that's still true -- you get one day. BUT -- so do they, and they already had it. They don't get a PPD just because they want a big party. They're married. The ship for their 'wedding day' has sailed. If they had wanted their family there, they should have thought of that before getting married without any family present. They don't get a do-over. I think the best way to deal with it is not to say anything until it's brought up to you, and then when it is, say, 'Wedding? But they're already married. Why do they need a wedding? Did they get divorced?' That will at least embarrass them a little.

Yes to this. Why do they insist on a PPD on your wedding weekend? Part of me thinks it is considerate to have them on one weekend, especially if you are from a family with more limited resources, but it mostly sounds like she is just being an AW.

chibiyui

You get one day, but I'd be pissed too if someone in my family pulled the same thing.

I recommend Hisgirls advice. It seems to be a nice compromise between taking the high ground and beingy snarky.

jaime232

I agree that we get one day for our wedding.. but the point is, I don't want to spend either two days prior to my wedding attending a ceremony/reception (because yes, they're doing the whole works) when I will most likely have my own stuff going on in prep for our wedding.  I don't want to put off going on our honeymoon two days after our wedding because they're having their deal.

And as someone else pointed out, yes, we get one day for our wedding.  So do they.  They chose to go to the courthouse in wrinkly clothes and not include any of their families so that they could get an additional nine months of military benefits.  If people want to do this, fine, I really don't care because I know the military can be a special kind of situation, but then don't impose on other peoples' plans.  I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to make special considerations for me if we chose to go get married tomorrow.  And I feel like by sort of piggybacking on our wedding, he's taking the sting out of asking people to travel for a fake wedding.. and that doesn't seem fair to us.

Part of the problem too is that he won't answer me when I ask him about it, and we've always been fairly close.  If he could be straight with me, that's another thing entirely.  So at this point, I asked him to tell me what their plans are so we could talk about it like normal adults, and so far we haven't been able to.  

Thanks for the feedback.. trust me, I'm trying to keep the bridezilla under wraps, but it's sad to be blindsided with this possibility when you've put so much work and planning into a day already.

lyndausvi

I would just go on my honeymoon and not think twice about not being able to attend a PPD.

OliveOilsMom

Screw your cousin and his wife, I would be going on my honeymoon over attending their fake re-do!  I think your honeymoon is a great way to get out of attending!

Cokezerofreak

"They chose to go to the courthouse in wrinkly clothes and not include any of their families so that they could get an additional nine months of military benefits.  If people want to do this, fine, I really don't care because I know the military can be a special kind of situation, but then don't impose on other peoples' plans."

I'm engaged to a military man and we are having our wedding when we wanted to not because of those "benefits."  If they wanted the big wedding, they could have waited, too.  It's like the Teem Mom 2 girl, getting married at the court house, having a PPD because every girl "dreams of a real wedding."

I agree with HisGirl, shame them.  But I'd add that if you can't make their PPD celebrations because you have too much on your plate, just skip it.  You're allowed to be busy for your wedding day.

chibiyui

Yeah, just skip it. If anyone asks you can say you had this all planned before and the timing didn't work out.

jaime232

Cokezerofreak said:

"They chose to go to the courthouse in wrinkly clothes and not include any of their families so that they could get an additional nine months of military benefits.  If people want to do this, fine, I really don't care because I know the military can be a special kind of situation, but then don't impose on other peoples' plans."

I'm engaged to a military man and we are having our wedding when we wanted to not because of those "benefits."  If they wanted the big wedding, they could have waited, too.  It's like the Teem Mom 2 girl, getting married at the court house, having a PPD because every girl "dreams of a real wedding."

I agree with HisGirl, shame them.  But I'd add that if you can't make their PPD celebrations because you have too much on your plate, just skip it.  You're allowed to be busy for your wedding day.

My sister married a military man too, and they waited a year and made plans although they could have gotten married much sooner.  It was important to them that the day was about their bond, their joining of lives, etc, not about an extra 400 dollars a month.  

And now I shall go look into booking our honeymoon.. haha.   

jaime232

And I just figured out what PPD is (pretty new to the boards)... and HAHAHA.  So much more appropriate than "fake wedding", if you all knew what his new wife was like.

I'm still mad so I'm still being rude, don't mind me.

FiancB

I would just leave for the honeymoon pronto. 

pinkcow13

Yup - Skip it and go on the honeymoon. I would not be delaying my honeymoon for a PPD.

photokitty

I'd ignore him and plan a day after brunch. Put it on my STDs and make sure it was going to have better food than their PPD…but I'm evil like that. But not rude enough to plan a PPD the day after my cousin's wedding. 

I think you get one day, but you also get the day before and after to prep/unwind.I think it's normal to expect your family, if not your closest friends, not to plan a wedding the day before or after. Bridal shower or baby shower - go for it. Family reunion, okey dokey. Not a wedding. If they were having it on Sunday it would be less offensive to me.

manateehugger

The military is not a special situation except that they get ridiculous free benefits at tax payer cost upon getting married. 

Ditto everyone else. Go on your honeymoon, and if anyone asks why, say you were confused because you thought cousin was already married and you had already booked your honeymoon. 

JCbride2015

Yeah normally I'd say "You get one day, get over it" but I would be soooo angry about this PPD.  They already got their day!  

I love HisGirl's idea, just act really confused when you hear about their wedding.  Preferably to their faces.  "But aren't you already married?  Haven't you been getting military benefits for the last nine months?  Oh no.... did you guys get divorced?"

I absolutely would plan a day-after brunch and depart for my honeymoon immediately after brunch.  You can't complain about your cousin having his PPD the day after your wedding, but there's no rule that says you must attend.

JennyColada

I LOVE the idea of a planned day after brunch (I mean, obviously your family is traveling and you want to spend as much time with them as possible...plus it's secretly snarky).

If you go to the PPD, just enjoy yourself. Nom on good food, take fun pics with DH, and just treat it as a nice day together. Don't let it control your special day. Don't stress about her PPD (and don't feel obligated to attend any events).

photokitty

Make your reception go as late as possible so everyone is tired at his "wedding." Have an awesome party so everyone just talks about how funny last night was all day! =-D

Peaseblossom55

lyndausvi said:

I would just go on my honeymoon and not think twice about not being able to attend a PPD.

I would do this.....especially because it's a PPD

Emmy1493

Have you set your date in stone yet? Or could it be moved up a few weeks/months? The reason I ask, it because this post is making me snarky, and if I could I would move it...if it bothers you, and not tell them. I think your cousins really are being the selfish ones. If they hadn't already gotten married, I'd tell you that you only get one day. But they already had that, you have not.

 They also need to realize that weddings are exhausting events, and not everyone is going to want to attend both. (Esp if they know the couples already married.) And if they do, they might leave earlier anyway from being so tired from your wedding.

I think that in retrospect, they think it's being helpful to have it all together, but they're already married, and being very inconsiderate actually. And stupid.

All in all, if you can't move it, leave for your HM after. I wouldn't miss out because my cousins having a PPD. Oh well, too damn bad. Tell them the tickets are non-refundable and hope they have a lovely do over...er.. "Wedding."

jaime232

Our date is set in stone, unfortunately.  And he asked me yesterday what the date was, I wish I was jerky enough to have lied!

climbingsingle

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Normally, I would say you get a day, not a weekend. And that's still true -- you get one day. BUT -- so do they, and they already had it. They don't get a PPD just because they want a big party. They're married. The ship for their 'wedding day' has sailed. If they had wanted their family there, they should have thought of that before getting married without any family present. They don't get a do-over. I think the best way to deal with it is not to say anything until it's brought up to you, and then when it is, say, 'Wedding? But they're already married. Why do they need a wedding? Did they get divorced?' That will at least embarrass them a little.

This. And honestly, I'd be fucking pissed off too. They are already married! 

jdluvr06

Normally, I would say you get a day, not a weekend. And that's still true -- you get one day. BUT -- so do they, and they already had it. They don't get a PPD just because they want a big party. They're married. The ship for their 'wedding day' has sailed. If they had wanted their family there, they should have thought of that before getting married without any family present. They don't get a do-over. I think the best way to deal with it is not to say anything until it's brought up to you, and then when it is, say, 'Wedding? But they're already married. Why do they need a wedding? Did they get divorced?' That will at least embarrass them a little.

I agree with this and also I like the brunch idea.

APDSS22

I had a good friend decide to get married the day after my wedding.  Without going into specifics, I choose to think she did it because that was the only date that worked for her and her husband to get married.  If it had been a PPD I think I would've started throwing things.  I vote you book the honeymoon flight right after an awesome brunch so everyone gets treated really well and speaks of nothing else at the PPD.  That way you get a little revenge, while treating your whole family to something awesome.  Include waffles.  And the honeymoon is a great excuse for not attending their farce.  Oh, and you were so busy planning the actual day you got married that OOPS! you forgot to get them a gift.  But you totally picked them up a postcard from your honeymoon destination that says "Thinking of You!"

Chipmunk415

PDKH said:

The military is not a special situation except that they get ridiculous free benefits at tax payer cost upon getting married. 

Ditto everyone else. Go on your honeymoon, and if anyone asks why, say you were confused because you thought cousin was already married and you had already booked your honeymoon. 

PDKH, I'm going to have to disagree with you somewhat on the bolded. Military members and their families get discounts on some things, yes, but they also have a lower pay rate. I'm also the daughter of a fully disabled combat vet- Dad was supposed to be in a wheelchair at the age of 40; he's 70, and a stubborn Marine, so still walking. He went to med school on the GI bill (stubborn Marine) and still supported a family, despite getting a disability check.

He and my mom have had access to military bases since, and get their medical prescriptions and dry goods on base without the sales tax. Dad also gets to go to VA hospitals for medical treatment. Congress passed a law almost 10 years ago saying people like my Dad, who have a certain level of disability or higher, who were originally given the "deal" of tricare for life, must go on a private insurer or Medicare when they hit 65. What insurance carrier is going to take a guy with an 85% total body disability (according to military medical boards), agent orange exposure, and related ailments?

I don't see that as an entitled benefit. That's something he earned with his blood, flesh, and sacrifice. Tax payers may be paying for part of his benefits, and the benefits of others, but that doesn't mean military members didn't pay anything- it just might not be completely monetary.

Cokezerofreak

Amen, Chipmunk!

flyingfoxes

That's crappy of your cousin - I like the idea of being gone on your honeymoon while they have their little show.