**Update** Giving back the ring

faeriedust101

I'm sorry you are going through this, but it's better to call it of now than after the marriage.

IMO You should either offer to give back the ring OR offer to give him the $3000 and keep the ring. Honestly if you give him the ring back be might not be able to get back what he paid for it. I would give him the chance to pick which option he prefers.

As for the other deposits I do feel the proper thing to do is off to reimburse his half.

Blergbot

I'm so sorry, but please know that you are not the bad guy here. Neither of you is the bad guy. If it's not right then it's not right. Please take care of yourself!

Viczaesar

ChemFanatic25 said:

Viczaesar said:

I think PPs have covered the advice part well, but I just wanted to say best of luck to you and that I'm impressed by the way you're handling this.

Hahaha, you should have seen me this morning! I almost had a panic attack because I kept thinking about it. Talking to everyone has really calmed me down and hopefully I can do this properly without running away.

I actually meant more that I was impressed with how concerned you are about being as fair as possible to your FI, but calm is good too.

ChemFanatic25

TexasBride2014 said:

DItto PPs- I don't really have a lot to add other than just best wishes, prayers, hugs, and puppies and all other good things I can send your way. You really do seem to be handling this very admirably and with maturity.

Really? Cause I feel like I am completely freaking out right now and it is taking all of my control to just not walk away. He knows I'm not happy and he knows I'm very concerned on where we stand with children, now he is trying extra hard and it is actually starting to bother me. Where was that before? He has done this several times and each time he just slips back into old-BF/FI mode and it has become so difficult to deal with. I'm emotionally exhausted and I am trying my best to act maturely but boy on the inside I feel like a complete freak show. 

AddieCake

I am late to this, but I wanted to offer you internet hugs in this difficult time. You are doing the right thing. I have an aunt who knew the night before the wedding that she was making a huge mistake but went through with it anyway b/c she felt she had to. Naturally, she was divorced a few years later. I am glad you are being proactive in sparing yourself AND your fiance that pain.

Blergbot

ChemFanatic25 said:

TexasBride2014 said:

DItto PPs- I don't really have a lot to add other than just best wishes, prayers, hugs, and puppies and all other good things I can send your way. You really do seem to be handling this very admirably and with maturity.

Really? Cause I feel like I am completely freaking out right now and it is taking all of my control to just not walk away. He knows I'm not happy and he knows I'm very concerned on where we stand with children, now he is trying extra hard and it is actually starting to bother me. Where was that before? He has done this several times and each time he just slips back into old-BF/FI mode and it has become so difficult to deal with. I'm emotionally exhausted and I am trying my best to act maturely but boy on the inside I feel like a complete freak show. 

I'm not sure if this will help, but my parents divorced after over 25 years. There was this constant vicious cycle where my mom would threaten divorce and my dad would get his act together for about 6 months. Then he would inevitably slip back into his old pattern of behavior. My mom just could never say no when he promised he would change...until she finally did. Please don't give in to this way of living. Your instincts are right. People don't really change.

climbingsingle

Hugs to you, Chem. When are you planning to talk to him/give the ring back?

ETA: Or did you do that already and I missed it? 

firebabe6519

Hugs! I hope everything goes smoothly whenever you decide. Lots of T&PS!

ChemFanatic25

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Hugs to you, Chem. When are you planning to talk to him/give the ring back?

ETA: Or did you do that already and I missed it? 

I haven't called it off yet. Basically our counselor advised me to give him warning, which I have done. And for our next session she wants both of us to come in next week. I believe we are going to be talking about it with her and each other. She gave me more advice but it's a lot to type.

happywiggle

Hugs, Chem! No matter what you ultimately decide, I hope it goes as smoothly as it can! 

AprilH81

Internet hugs @chemfanatic25 .  Hang in there!

ChemFanatic25

**Update**

Boy, I hope I'm doing this right. I didn't know whether to post at the of the discussion or at the end of this post so I'll do both. 

My fiance and I talked. We have been visiting our counselor. I went twice last week, once by myself and once with him. The first time after talking with my counselor, I talked to him the next day because he was freaking out and thinking about the worst possible things that could happen to our relationship (his words). I was a little frustrated but I realized it wasn't fair of me to keep him in the dark about where we were going. He asked if I loved him and I said that yes I still loved him but it seems a lot has changed for us. He then said "I thought everything was going really well and then we had that talk about having kids and it seemed like everything went downhill from there." I explained to him that I actually didn't think everything was "going well." I told him that it was more like living with a roommate than a significant other. We don't share really any common interests and we rarely spend time together unless it is with other people (we did go out on a date the day after Valentine's day). The whole children situation is what really made me wonder if this relationship had a chance. 

This all happened while we were driving home. His car was ruined by ice sheets falling on it so I have to drive him back and forth from work since his insurance doesn't cover a rental. We got home and things were kind of quiet, there was a lot of tension and when we sat down to dinner we kind of just started crying. It is so scary to think about. We talked some more and he said he wanted to see our counselor as soon as possible so I was able to get an appointment for this past Saturday. We went for a walk after not being able to eat, wanted to take our dog out and give her some exercise. We talked about what would happen if we separated and he said he wouldn't want to stay at the apartment because it would hurt too much. I understood that. We talked about canceling everything with the vendors and venues - all in all, it was a depressing walk.

The next day was Friday and we actually felt better, he told me this and I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my chest. He said that even though our relationship is in jeopardy, he feels better actually confirming it rather than guessing. I feel the same way, just having been able to talk to him. 

Saturday we went to our counselor and talked about the possibility of having kids and several other things. I explained that I'm not ready to make such a huge decision right now and she said that she understood that. She said that if I made a decision that I wanted to have kids that I wasn't doing it for myself, I was doing it for him. My fiance understood this and we talked some more. We talked about my fear of having kids, why my views have changed and why he didn't understand why they changed. The last question our counselor asked was "you need to decide what is more important to you. Is it to have kids or to keep this relationship?" This question was aimed at both of us but reworded for me obviously. We left on that note and went to a craft store. On the way there I asked my fiance what he thought and he said "I have always wanted kids. That is more important to me." He isn't wrong. That is how he feels and he isn't wrong. It broke my heart to hear that but I know that it is selfish of me to expect him to change for such a huge life decision just like it would be selfish of him to expect me to change.

We have talked a bit more since then but for the most part I feel like we are in limbo. I want to make a decision but I don't want to rush into anything so I am very frustrated and confused. I have come to one realization though. I don't know if I want kids or not. I want both options to be open to me. I know my fiance most definitely wants children. I realized that he needs someone who is sure that they want children. I need someone who is going to still love me whether or not I choose to have children. Because for me, kids are not the most important thing in my life. Having that special someone who I can spend time with day in and day out, love always and to be there through the ups and downs, when I know kids will not, that's what I want. I want the support of someone who will one day say "yes, I would love to raise a child with you" or say "we don't need to have kids, and I'm okay with that because I have you." I don't know if I am asking for much. Maybe I am, but I guess I need to move on to find out if I am. 

So we have another appointment Wednesday. I'll keep everyone updated but I believe after this is done and over, I am going to have to say goodbye. My heart is in turmoil and I am basically a wreck on the inside. I am going to have to walk away from some reminders for awhile and see where life takes me. I appreciate the support and hugs. You ladies are amazing and extremely loving and I hope you don't change.

AprilH81

ChemFanatic25 said:

**Update**

Boy, I hope I'm doing this right. I didn't know whether to post at the of the discussion or at the end of this post so I'll do both. 

My fiance and I talked. We have been visiting our counselor. I went twice last week, once by myself and once with him. The first time after talking with my counselor, I talked to him the next day because he was freaking out and thinking about the worst possible things that could happen to our relationship (his words). I was a little frustrated but I realized it wasn't fair of me to keep him in the dark about where we were going. He asked if I loved him and I said that yes I still loved him but it seems a lot has changed for us. He then said "I thought everything was going really well and then we had that talk about having kids and it seemed like everything went downhill from there." I explained to him that I actually didn't think everything was "going well." I told him that it was more like living with a roommate than a significant other. We don't share really any common interests and we rarely spend time together unless it is with other people (we did go out on a date the day after Valentine's day). The whole children situation is what really made me wonder if this relationship had a chance. 

This all happened while we were driving home. His car was ruined by ice sheets falling on it so I have to drive him back and forth from work since his insurance doesn't cover a rental. We got home and things were kind of quiet, there was a lot of tension and when we sat down to dinner we kind of just started crying. It is so scary to think about. We talked some more and he said he wanted to see our counselor as soon as possible so I was able to get an appointment for this past Saturday. We went for a walk after not being able to eat, wanted to take our dog out and give her some exercise. We talked about what would happen if we separated and he said he wouldn't want to stay at the apartment because it would hurt too much. I understood that. We talked about canceling everything with the vendors and venues - all in all, it was a depressing walk.

The next day was Friday and we actually felt better, he told me this and I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my chest. He said that even though our relationship is in jeopardy, he feels better actually confirming it rather than guessing. I feel the same way, just having been able to talk to him. 

Saturday we went to our counselor and talked about the possibility of having kids and several other things. I explained that I'm not ready to make such a huge decision right now and she said that she understood that. She said that if I made a decision that I wanted to have kids that I wasn't doing it for myself, I was doing it for him. My fiance understood this and we talked some more. We talked about my fear of having kids, why my views have changed and why he didn't understand why they changed. The last question our counselor asked was "you need to decide what is more important to you. Is it to have kids or to keep this relationship?" This question was aimed at both of us but reworded for me obviously. We left on that note and went to a craft store. On the way there I asked my fiance what he thought and he said "I have always wanted kids. That is more important to me." He isn't wrong. That is how he feels and he isn't wrong. It broke my heart to hear that but I know that it is selfish of me to expect him to change for such a huge life decision just like it would be selfish of him to expect me to change.

We have talked a bit more since then but for the most part I feel like we are in limbo. I want to make a decision but I don't want to rush into anything so I am very frustrated and confused. I have come to one realization though. I don't know if I want kids or not. I want both options to be open to me. I know my fiance most definitely wants children. I realized that he needs someone who is sure that they want children. I need someone who is going to still love me whether or not I choose to have children. Because for me, kids are not the most important thing in my life. Having that special someone who I can spend time with day in and day out, love always and to be there through the ups and downs, when I know kids will not, that's what I want. I want the support of someone who will one day say "yes, I would love to raise a child with you" or say "we don't need to have kids, and I'm okay with that because I have you." I don't know if I am asking for much. Maybe I am, but I guess I need to move on to find out if I am. 

So we have another appointment Wednesday. I'll keep everyone updated but I believe after this is done and over, I am going to have to say goodbye. My heart is in turmoil and I am basically a wreck on the inside. I am going to have to walk away from some reminders for awhile and see where life takes me. I appreciate the support and hugs. You ladies are amazing and extremely loving and I hope you don't change.

Thanks for the update and it sounds like even though this is tough that you both are handling this as well as can be expected.  I'm glad that he seemed to take the news well from what you wrote.

I'm sending internet hugs and prayers for you both.  Hang in there!

phira

I know that right now, it feels like you're throwing something good away, but it really sounds like you are 100% doing the right thing. This relationship isn't making you happy, and the "will we have kids?" question is not a small question.

If you feel like things are out of control now, it's okay. You're in shock and starting to grieve. It suuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.

[Deleted User]

Thanks for update. Sounds like you guys are doing everything you can to make sure that you understand each other and your own feelings. Better to have to possibly have to delay your wedding while you figure things out then to be miserable down the road. I give you a lot of credit for both going to the counselor to figure things out instead of either just calling it quits and going forward with unresolved issued. Good luck

 

climbingsingle

Lots of hugs, Chem. What you're doing takes a lot of strength. 

What you're asking for is not too much. FI and I are 99% sure we don't want kids. But he's also told me that if one day I decide I want one, he will be on board. He said he's OK with whatever I decide. 

FiancB

Chem, I went through something really similar but sort of reversed. Neither of us were totally sure but my ex was leaning toward not having kids. At first I thought I was okay with that but then I realized I really was not going to be satisfied with my life without kids. And he said he'd have them, for me, but I felt like it was pretty pointless and awful unless the other person really wanted them too, you know? 

You're absolutely doing the right thing. I have known couples, even ones that are adamantly against divorce, get divorced over this. It really is an irreconcilable issue.

*Hugs*

KeptInStitches

I just want to take you out for coffee, cake, and booze. You're doing the right thing, but it sucks so bad.

ChemFanatic25

KeptInStitches said:

I just want to take you out for coffee, cake, and booze. You're doing the right thing, but it sucks so bad.

Coffee, cake, and booze all sound wonderful right now, and I don't even like cake. Virtual coffee,cake, and booze work though. Less calories too.

HisGirlFriday13

I am so, so, so impressed by your strength. It's hard, what you're doing, and it's scary, but in the end, it's the right decision.

All the hugs, all the wine, all the cake, all the moral support.

JellyBean52513

I applaud you so much for taking the steps you've taken, with therapy and communicating with one another, in handling this issue. It definitely sounds like you're doing the right thing for BOTH of you, and that's a true testament to your love for one another (even if that love is going to "end").

Your FI is kinda-sorta right about the living situation; because my ex-FI took it upon himself to initiate our breakup a week before my first finals of law school and his first finals of grad school, we didnt have much of a choice but to stay in our apartment together for at least the next 3 weeks. It was really tough to carry on with life when your whole daily routine gets uprooted and you have to accommodate avoiding the person you live with. I practically lived in the gym and the library just to keep from being home, and I dropped down to 95lbs because I had nothing else to do but be stressed and then exercise to release the stress lol. Try to keep yourself busy with healthy activities (and remember to eat well! Iced coffees and Welch's fruit snacks are NOT a sufficient break-up diet, trust me) until you have an improved living situation.

And keep your head up, and your heart strong. You deserve nothing but the best!

Liatris2010

Good on you for being honest with yourself. You've done a difficult thing and I hope everything works out the way you want it to.

KeptInStitches

@chemfanatic25, virtual cake.

jdluvr06

Sending you tons of hugs.

jenniferurs

Hugs, hugs, and more hugs.

Remember too that postponing the wedding doesn't necessarily mean that you have to break up. Maybe take a step back, remove yourself from the seriousness that is planning a wedding, and just relish in your relationship for a little while. Take some time to explore your thoughts on the matter, sans pressure, and make a decision from there. You said you already changed your mind on this once (or was it he?), so who's to say that you may not change your mind again? I think you should both give yourself some time to enjoy each other, without the pressure of a wedding looming, and think about what you two really want. Remember, you don't need to be married to be together and calling off the wedding does not preclude you from staying together until you're really sure that your ideologies clash. Right now, in your own words, you're unsure. While you should definitely not getting married while being unsure, I don't see the harm in maintaining your relationship until you make a definitive decision in one direction or another.

Just some food for thought.

ChemFanatic25

Hugs, hugs, and more hugs. Remember too that postponing the wedding doesn't necessarily mean that you have to break up. Maybe take a step back, remove yourself from the seriousness that is planning a wedding, and just relish in your relationship for a little while. Take some time to explore your thoughts on the matter, sans pressure, and make a decision from there. You said you already changed your mind on this once (or was it he?), so who's to say that you may not change your mind again? I think you should both give yourself some time to enjoy each other, without the pressure of a wedding looming, and think about what you two really want. Remember, you don't need to be married to be together and calling off the wedding does not preclude you from staying together until you're really sure that your ideologies clash. Right now, in your own words, you're unsure. While you should definitely not getting married while being unsure, I don't see the harm in maintaining your relationship until you make a definitive decision in one direction or another. Just some food for thought.

*Stuck in box* The problem isn't our relationship just hitting a rough patch. He and I have different views on children. Yes there is a possibility I could change my mind and want kids later on but what if there is a possibility I don't change my mind and would rather not have children? That would be fair to him and it also wouldn't be fair to me. I wish we had talked about it more deeply before we got engaged but I guess at the time I wasn't really thinking about kids even when he brought of names for children. It did make me panic a little bit but for the most part I ignored that. If it was anything else, I would put in the extra effort to make this work but I don't think extra effort is going to change how I feel about kids.

jessiray

*hugs* I'm glad that you're talking this through, and that you're taking the time to decide what YOU want. I went through a similar thing with my ex (he really wanted kids, I wasn't sure bc of the career path I wanted to take, and since then I have decided that I do not want kids, ever). Breaking up with him was the best decision I ever made for myself and probably for him. Good luck!

Cookie Pusher

Big hugs to you. This is not an easy situation, but I think you are handling it well. Whatever you and your FI decide to do, I hope you both find the happiness you deserve.

pinkcow13

Chem, I am pretty late to this convo but I just want to say that I am very sorry that you are going through this. I think you are being very strong In this situation. You both have to be on the same page in terms of having kids, as that is a huge life changing decision. I'm sending you lots of hugs, and know that we are all here for you.

Jells2dot0

Sending over virtual hugs!!! I really admire you for recognzing the issue and confronting it. It takes a very mature and strong person to do that. I totally understand the "needing to be on the same page thing" about something so incredibly important. You do not want to go through life unhappy and resentful. Both of you deserve more than that.