Snarky Brides

Flower Girl complaint

I am getting married April 5, 2014.   My fiance has two nieces who are adorable, fun, and really great girls, they are 6 and 8 and will be our Flower Girls(the older one is a little old, but we're didn't care and she's loving it).   My fiancee also has a first cousin who is turning 6 in March.   My FG couldn't come to my bridal shower due to bad weather but the cousin was there and "helped" me open presents.   By "helped" I mean kept opening the presents and almost dropped boxes containing glass/crystal/ceramics.   Her mother is 57 years old(yes, you read that right) and didn't tell her to calm down or stop her at all.     Last night my future MIL calls my fiance and I up and asks if there is any way the cousin can be a flower girl.   SERIOUSLY!?!??!!?   WHO THE EFF DOES THAT?   In what universe is that acceptable?  Why would you do that?   Nevermind the fact that, there is no way to get the kid the dress in time, but I don't like this kid.   She's obnoxious, rude, and would probably roll down the aisle at the wedding.  Not to mention the fact that I have three cousins that I didn't ask to be in the wedding either and having my fiance's cousin would create all sorts of family drama on my side.    

Needless to say, I said no.  My fiance had to call his aunt and explain that his cousin't couldn't be in the wedding and that it would create too many family issues on my side to include her.   She claimed her daughter had gotten her hopes up and would be very disappointed.  

I am just incredibly pissed that my in-laws have put me in this position.   I just need some moral support that my in-laws are out of line and I am in the right.

Re: Flower Girl complaint

  • It's really wrong to put you in this position..and doubly wrong for the kid's mother to give her any hope that she might get to be in the wedding when she wasn't even asked.  Who does that?

     

    You are in the right.  It sounds like FI has dealt with it since this is his family, so it looks like you're in the clear!

     

    Side note: I'd be annoyed that the kid was even invited to the shower...showers aren't usually child-friendly.  Were the other kids there?  It seems odd to bme for one woman to bring her 6 year old when no other kids were in attendance.

  • My cousin brought her two daughters to the shower(who also helped open gifts and were actually helpful and well-behaved).    All three girls were invited to the shower.   My cousin's girls were invited because of child-care issues, and we made a conscious choice to include the first cousin because she is a first cousin.   It was a little awkward when someone gave me lingerie and all three girls were right there.  
  • I am getting married April 5, 2014.   My fiance has two nieces who are adorable, fun, and really great girls, they are 6 and 8 and will be our Flower Girls(the older one is a little old, but we're didn't care and she's loving it).   My fiancee also has a first cousin who is turning 6 in March.   My FG couldn't come to my bridal shower due to bad weather but the cousin was there and "helped" me open presents.   By "helped" I mean kept opening the presents and almost dropped boxes containing glass/crystal/ceramics.   Her mother is 57 years old(yes, you read that right) and didn't tell her to calm down or stop her at all.     Last night my future MIL calls my fiance and I up and asks if there is any way the cousin can be a flower girl.   SERIOUSLY!?!??!!?   WHO THE EFF DOES THAT?   In what universe is that acceptable?  Why would you do that?   Nevermind the fact that, there is no way to get the kid the dress in time, but I don't like this kid.   She's obnoxious, rude, and would probably roll down the aisle at the wedding.  Not to mention the fact that I have three cousins that I didn't ask to be in the wedding either and having my fiance's cousin would create all sorts of family drama on my side.    

    Needless to say, I said no.  My fiance had to call his aunt and explain that his cousin't couldn't be in the wedding and that it would create too many family issues on my side to include her.   She claimed her daughter had gotten her hopes up and would be very disappointed.  

    I am just incredibly pissed that my in-laws have put me in this position.   I just need some moral support that my in-laws are out of line and I am in the right.

    Why does the mother's age matter in this? If she were 34 would you be pointing it out?

    doeydoabbyj700shaylagirl
  • Normally the mom's age wouldn't matter, rude people are rude no matter their age.  I tend to think her mother's age has to do with the fact that she is less inclined to discipline her child because she's too tired.   It also lends itself to the ridiculousness of the situation when the mother says things like "well, we just don't know how many times we will get to see our daughter dressed up like this."    And it helps explain how my 34 year old FI has an almost 6 year old first cousin(I forgot to add my FI's age to the OP)

    Mandafly84
  • So I get that this is super annoying but…

    Do you really need to disparage a five-year-old on the internet? I mean insulting a child… it's pretty low. You told them no, that's the final answer. Why the drama?

    I'm literally shaking my head right now. A grown woman calling a child obnoxious and rude… dude, she's five fucking years old.
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    sarahuflGypsyWife_HisGirlFriday13Grabows14
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    TKzilla said:
    So I get that this is super annoying but…

    Do you really need to disparage a five-year-old on the internet? I mean insulting a child… it's pretty low. You told them no, that's the final answer. Why the drama?

    I'm literally shaking my head right now. A grown woman calling a child obnoxious and rude… dude, she's five fucking years old.
    This.  Holy crap!  You are calling a 5 year old rude and obnoxious.  She is freaking 5 for crying out loud, how the hell do you think 5 year olds are supposed to act?  Quite, subdued and sitting in a corner?  Yeah, not so much.

    And her Mother's age has absolutely nothing to do with this at all.

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers

    Normally the mom's age wouldn't matter, rude people are rude no matter their age.  I tend to think her mother's age has to do with the fact that she is less inclined to discipline her child because she's too tired.)


    As someone who is older and desperately TTC, I find this a tad insulting.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    jcwrdh94
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    AddieL73 said:

    Normally the mom's age wouldn't matter, rude people are rude no matter their age.  I tend to think her mother's age has to do with the fact that she is less inclined to discipline her child because she's too tired.)


    As someone who is older and desperately TTC, I find this a tad insulting.
    Agreed.  Also, 57 is not ancient.  My Mom just turned 60 and runs around after her granddaughter (my niece) with more energy then I have on a daily basis and I don't have a kid.

  • Chipmunk415Chipmunk415 at the corner of Wine Ave. and Margarita Ln. member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    My 92 year old grandma regularly wore me out running around in her 70s, 80s, and yes, she still does it.

    Mom's age has nothing to do with it, but I do believe she should have controlled her child in terms of not ignoring the fact that the child was opening up your gifts and almost dropping fragile things. A 5 year old knows better than to open up their friend's birthday presents- they should know not to open up your gifts for you.

    Kid might be upset that she's not in the wedding- too freakin bad. MIL shouldn't have suggested it, and Aunt shouldn't have argued for it. Though I'm with Addie- I now have mental images of my flower girl nieces rolling on the grass up the aisle (showing off their gymnastics skills) while petals go flying.

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I do get being annoyed. There was a kid helping like this at the last baby shower I went to, and it was very frustrating for the mommy-to-be.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Well, I didn't post her name or my real name, and I posted here rather than my FB to provide a cover of anonymity.   I am venting here, and thought this was an appropriate forum to vent.

     And I get that all children have bad moments and that they are not perfect angels 100% of the time.   They are human and not props.   There is an entire likelihood that my FI's 8 year old niece could have a meltdown and not walk down the aisle because she doesn't like that everyone is looking at her(I doubt it, but it happens).  Having been around children pretty much my entire life, I realize that not all children are actually good kids.   Some grow out of it, but most really poorly behaved kids grow up to be jerks.   My problem is not entirely with the child and more with my FMIL and my FI's aunt who thought it was appropriate to ask 6 weeks before the wedding if it was okay to include another FG.  Or really to ask in general.  I wanted reassurance that they were out of line and my response was appropriate.

    The child in question, however, has repeatedly displayed behavior that is inappropriate for her age(I'm talking about throwing food at people, screaming if you tell her no and don't cater to her every whim, she kicked my sister at our engagement party because my sister asked her to not run around the pool in my parents' backyard, for safety reasons) and has been mean to other children and adults.   Her misbehavior has gone on unchecked by her mother.   Her father "attempts" to disclipine her but his attempts go ignored because there is nothing to back them up(ie, time outs, priviledges being taken away).     Before you think I am truly horrible, this child does not have a medical or developmental condition that would explain her behavior.   

    This child is invited to the wedding, and is one of only 4 children invited (the two FG and their infant brother are the others), because she is my FI's first cousin, and we have gone out of our way to make sure the child, and a 15 year old cousin feel welcome and appreciated.   They have received separate STD, shower invites and wedding invites at the insistance of my FIL.   Apparently, that is not enough, and the child should be included in our bridal party.    I want her there as a guest, because she is my FI cousin and I put a strong value on including family whenever possible.  I am praying that she behaves reasonably well that day. I am not inviting my cousin's children because we drew a line at first cousins(versus children of first cousins) when I would have loved to include them.   Having this child as a FG would have created tons of drama on my side over not having members of my family in the BP.   

    Since my original post, I have received a call from my future FIL, asking me to reconsider and allow his niece to be a FG.   Its a super awkward position to be in, having to say no repeatedly.  

  • Normally the mom's age wouldn't matter, rude people are rude no matter their age. I tend to think her mother's age has to do with the fact that she is less inclined to discipline her child because she's too tired.)


    As someone who is older and desperately TTC, I find this a tad insulting.

     

    I apologize, I'm not sure what TTC means...do you mean "Trying to conceive?"   I apologize for offending anyone struggling with infertility.   Its not a laughing matter and something I live in total fear of.   I didn't mean to imply that all older mothers would be bad mothers or not take care of their children.

    My FI's aunt's age shouldn't have anything to do with the problem, except she makes comments about things that raise questions about why she had the child(her only child, BTW).   Like she's said things about how with her daughter she now has someone to take care of her when she is older (to me that is not why you have kids).   And how before her mom got sick she never wanted kids because she was having too much fun.   Its a very weird situation.

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    Well, I didn't post her name or my real name, and I posted here rather than my FB to provide a cover of anonymity.   I am venting here, and thought this was an appropriate forum to vent.

     And I get that all children have bad moments and that they are not perfect angels 100% of the time.   They are human and not props.   There is an entire likelihood that my FI's 8 year old niece could have a meltdown and not walk down the aisle because she doesn't like that everyone is looking at her(I doubt it, but it happens).  Having been around children pretty much my entire life, I realize that not all children are actually good kids.   Some grow out of it, but most really poorly behaved kids grow up to be jerks.   My problem is not entirely with the child and more with my FMIL and my FI's aunt who thought it was appropriate to ask 6 weeks before the wedding if it was okay to include another FG.  Or really to ask in general.  I wanted reassurance that they were out of line and my response was appropriate.

    The child in question, however, has repeatedly displayed behavior that is inappropriate for her age(I'm talking about throwing food at people, screaming if you tell her no and don't cater to her every whim, she kicked my sister at our engagement party because my sister asked her to not run around the pool in my parents' backyard, for safety reasons) and has been mean to other children and adults.   Her misbehavior has gone on unchecked by her mother.   Her father "attempts" to disclipine her but his attempts go ignored because there is nothing to back them up(ie, time outs, priviledges being taken away).     Before you think I am truly horrible, this child does not have a medical or developmental condition that would explain her behavior.   

    This child is invited to the wedding, and is one of only 4 children invited (the two FG and their infant brother are the others), because she is my FI's first cousin, and we have gone out of our way to make sure the child, and a 15 year old cousin feel welcome and appreciated.   They have received separate STD, shower invites and wedding invites at the insistance of my FIL.   Apparently, that is not enough, and the child should be included in our bridal party.    I want her there as a guest, because she is my FI cousin and I put a strong value on including family whenever possible.  I am praying that she behaves reasonably well that day. I am not inviting my cousin's children because we drew a line at first cousins(versus children of first cousins) when I would have loved to include them.   Having this child as a FG would have created tons of drama on my side over not having members of my family in the BP.   

    Since my original post, I have received a call from my future FIL, asking me to reconsider and allow his niece to be a FG.   Its a super awkward position to be in, having to say no repeatedly.  

    You do realize that the child is acting like this because of the lack of discipline she gets from her parents.  So hating on a 5 year old kid is ridiculous.  The people you should be rolling your eyes at are the parents, not the kid who doesn't know any better because they were never taught.

    As for them asking you about the kid being in the wedding just tell them that "I am sorry but we will not be including little Susie in our wedding but will enjoy seeing you all there as guests."

  • It sounds like it's taken care of, but I agree that it is an annoying situation to deal with.

    I also want to say I think it's ok to vent about it on here too, no one here knows these people and sometimes you need to vent to some strangers! I agree it's the mom you should be frustrated with over the actual child that was raised this way... but that's easier said then done. There are some really annoying kids out there, and you can't help but be annoyed by them!
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    Anniversary
    offthemarket915grassynowell
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Just stand firm with your FI together: "I'm sorry, but we've already picked our attendants, and we are not asking Cousin to be one of them.  This is a closed subject.  Please don't bring it up to us again."
  • That's a sucky position to be in and they shouldn't keep asking.  FI and I have so many kids that we're close to, that we chose to have an adults only wedding party.  Kids will be invited to the wedding and included in the celebrating, but there would've been something like 10 kids in it and it would start to turn into a circus.
  • Has FI called his mom and told her to knock it off?   You said she called again - FI should be having a very firm chat with her.
  • Since my original post, I have received a call from my future FIL, asking me to reconsider and allow his niece to be a FG.   Its a super awkward position to be in, having to say no repeatedly.  

    It amazes me when adults these days do the sort of rude things that you wold think maybe a child would do. I keep hearing these stories of parents asking the bride if their children can be a flower girl/ring barer, or friends asking to be a bridesmaid/maid of honor.  I remember when my sister and I were very little girls we use to ask some of the young women who went to the college my dad worked at if we could be their flower girls when they got married some day. I remember us even asking some young couples on campus (who I doubt were even engaged) if we could be their flower girls when they got married. I cringe now at how rude this was (though it was always met with good humored laughter and even promises that we could be), but I always thought of those episodes as something so childish that clearly showed our lack of adult manners... But apparently some adults never figured that out.

    Funny story to add to that though... One of the college girls use to babysit us for extra cash when we were maybe four and five. About seven years later she called up our mom out of the blue to ask if we would be her flower girls because she had promised us we could be when she got married all those years ago.
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    offthemarket915Bubblegum5586happymellow
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    It really amazes me that people have the audacity to try to get the bride or groom to add people to their bridal party. Newsflash: it's not your wedding! No one picks the attendants except the bride and groom. I didn't have any say in my FI attendants and he didn't have any say in mine.
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  • laurynm84 said:

    It really amazes me that people have the audacity to try to get the bride or groom to add people to their bridal party. Newsflash: it's not your wedding! No one picks the attendants except the bride and groom. I didn't have any say in my FI attendants and he didn't have any say in mine.

    This.

    My FH asked his frat brother if his son could be RB. The other day he starts freaking out thinking he should have asked one of his cousins or cousins' kids to be RB. It would have been a huge shitstorm because our FGs are 2 of our nieces. In his family you can't ask one kid and not all of them, we are able to say just nieces as FGs and GM's son for RB and not have the drama.
    You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. - Barbara DeAngelis
  • Don't let these people guilt you.  It's awful that adults would use a kid to try to manipulate you.  Is it the child's fault she's a nightmare?  Not necessarily- she's a product of her parent's lack of discipline.  But that doesn't mean you have to put up with her, either.  The little one will need to learn at some point that disappointment is a part of life.  
    offthemarket915happymellow
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