Not inviting children to my wedding. HELP?!

megandawn91

Ok, so my fiance and I have talked about it and decided we really don't want to have any children at our wedding who aren't nieces or nephews that are in the wedding party. Not doing this to upset anyone! We love kids! My fiance works for the school system and I'm a nurse. But our venue for the ceremony and the reception are outside at my fiance's childhood home and during May. I realize some children are hard to handle as it is when you get them outside in pretty weather, but add in more kids, and creek running through the property right behind the location of the ceremony and I can just see catastrophe. Not to mention I went to a wedding before that was outside and it was like some parents just let their children run wild. Not just during the reception this was during the ceremony! Literally running and playing tag in the back ground of the ceremony, I could not even hear the I dos.

I know not all parents let their children do what ever, and some children are very well behaved, but I do have some family who I can see letting their children doing just this. So we decided it wouldn't be fair to let some family bring their well behaved children and then the ones who have children who are... not so well behaved not come. We want to avoid the conflict as much as possible but I understand I will not be able to avoid this without upsetting at least one person. But this is suppose to be the best day of my life and I really don't want a bunch of screaming children in the back ground. Any suggestions on how to clearly put on the invitations that we aren't inviting children in a better way than NO CHILDREN ALLOWED. Also how to handle when people start calling and asking if they can bring junior. 

Thanks!

PS: The family and friends who we are inviting that have children live local, so they would not have to be away from their children for more than a few hours. 

Jen4948

megandawn91 said:
Any suggestions on how to clearly put on the invitations that we aren't inviting children in a better way than NO CHILDREN ALLOWED. Also how to handle when people start calling and asking if they can bring junior. 

There is no polite way to put any form of "no children invited" on the invitations.

The only correct procedure is to leave off the names of children and other uninvited guests, and if someone RSVPs for them or asks about them, you call them and tell them, "I'm sorry for the confusion, but only you (and your SO) are invited."

msuprincess04

Don't put their name on the invitation and let it spread word of mouth. I am also not having kids at the wedding, and there was only one person I had call to clarify after she made a comment about her kid coming.  

MyNameIsNot

It's perfectly fine to have a child-free wedding, or to only invite a few kids.  You don't have to justify your decision to anyone, and you shouldn't try.  (When you try to explain, you open yourself up for rude guests to try to get an exception).  If someone decides to get upset or not attend because their child isn't invited, that's their problem.  

It's not ok to put "adults only" or "no children" on the invitation.  What you do is address the invitation only to those invited.  You can also pre-fill the RSVP card to clarify exactly who is invited.  If any of your guests are rude enough to try to write in extra guests, you call and say "I'm sorry for any confusion, but the invitation was only for you and Bob.  Will the two of you be able to make it?"  Explaining budget, space, or grounds issues will only give them the opportunity to explain that their kids won't eat anything, will sit on their laps, or will be on their best behavior.  Just stick with "we aren't able to accommodate little Timmy.  Will you still be attending?"

megandawn91

Thank you so much everyone for your feedback! 

Coalette2013

We didn't want children outside of the immediate family attending either simply due to venue space. When we did our first rough guest list there was close to 50 children on the list, that just wasn't going to happen, so we cut it to immediate family only, and there will be 8 kids at our wedding. 

I did what other PPs have said, only put the parents' names on the invitation and let people know by word of mouth that children are not included. We let people know way in advance, about 6 months out, that the children outside the immediate family would not be included in the invite, and we did not try to justify our decision what so ever. We purposely mentioned the immediate family only, so that guests wouldn't feel personally slighted when they see children at the wedding (not knowing they were family). 

We have only had to make 2 phone calls about it, and it was no big deal, both admitted to not paying close attention to the invite, and will now be attending w/o their children. But if you have to call, make sure you do it as soon as you receive the RSVP, don't wait last minute to let them know.

CnJ2014

We are also having an adults only wedding.  All the guests with children are local.  We are having a large wedding (inviting 225 guests) so we are nervous that word of mouth might not be the most efficient way.  We are not saying anything about it on the invites, but are considering putting it on our wedding website.

Under the "Guest Information" tab, we list parking, attire, and hotel info, and want to include a line that says either "Due to venue capacity restrictions, the reception will be adults only" OR "Due to venue capacity restrictions, please make arrangements for child care."

Is this OK???

Jen4948

CnJ2014 said:

We are also having an adults only wedding.  All the guests with children are local.  We are having a large wedding (inviting 225 guests) so we are nervous that word of mouth might not be the most efficient way.  We are not saying anything about it on the invites, but are considering putting it on our wedding website.

Under the "Guest Information" tab, we list parking, attire, and hotel info, and want to include a line that says either "Due to venue capacity restrictions, the reception will be adults only" OR "Due to venue capacity restrictions, please make arrangements for child care."

Is this OK???

Nope, not okay.

You can only tell people who have actually asked you about their kids that their kids are not invited, or who have already RSVPd for their uninvited kids.  But etiquette does not allow you to indicate who is not invited to those who haven't asked-not even on your website.

AddieCake

There is no reason to note it anywhere. You address invitations to the people invited. When and if people RSVP with their adult selves and little sugarbuns, you call and say little sugarbuns is not invited.

hyechica81

if the invite says mr and mrs john smith its for husband and wife


if the invite says mr and mrs john smith and family it is for husband wife and any children

if it says mr john smith its just him no guest

if it says mr john smith and guest it means he can bring a guest

cleeanncamp

I am in a similar situation, but really don't understand why mentioning the "no kids" rule on the website is taboo. I understand proper etiquette, but when those rules were written, computers didn't exist. Many of these "rules" have no become fluid, as traditional wedding law states that a bride's parents pay, and many couples are footing their own bill nowadays. I feel like if having it in writing will make you feel better and even give a reference point when speaking with those people who simply MUST have their bratty child by their side, then go for it.

mysticl

cleeanncamp said:

I am in a similar situation, but really don't understand why mentioning the "no kids" rule on the website is taboo. I understand proper etiquette, but when those rules were written, computers didn't exist. Many of these "rules" have no become fluid, as traditional wedding law states that a bride's parents pay, and many couples are footing their own bill nowadays. I feel like if having it in writing will make you feel better and even give a reference point when speaking with those people who simply MUST have their bratty child by their side, then go for it.

Because no matter what media you are using it is rude to say who is not invited.  The only time you would specifically state who is not invited is if a person who is not invited asks if they can attend, RSVPs "yes" or just shows up at the event.  

bremnerschmitz

I have no idea if this matches the "rules" but I've seen RSVPs that have a spot where you write how many seats you have reserved for them.  That way if a couple with 3 kids sees that only 2 seats are reserved for them they'll likely assume the invite doesn't extend to their kids.  (or they'll ignore all the hints and RSVP 2 and one parent will show up with the most obnoxious child....)

I know the wording on the envelope is supposed to let them know who is invited, but this could reinforce it without having to come out and say "no kids"

ashleyep

bremnerschmitz said:

I have no idea if this matches the "rules" but I've seen RSVPs that have a spot where you write how many seats you have reserved for them.  That way if a couple with 3 kids sees that only 2 seats are reserved for them they'll likely assume the invite doesn't extend to their kids.  (or they'll ignore all the hints and RSVP 2 and one parent will show up with the most obnoxious child....)

I know the wording on the envelope is supposed to let them know who is invited, but this could reinforce it without having to come out and say "no kids"

That's allowed, definitely not rude.

AddieCake

You don't put it on the website b/c you don't need to write it ANYWHERE since the lack of their names on the invitation indicates they are not invited.

Viczaesar

cleeanncamp said:

I am in a similar situation, but really don't understand why mentioning the "no kids" rule on the website is taboo. I understand proper etiquette, but when those rules were written, computers didn't exist. Many of these "rules" have no become fluid, as traditional wedding law states that a bride's parents pay, and many couples are footing their own bill nowadays. I feel like if having it in writing will make you feel better and even give a reference point when speaking with those people who simply MUST have their bratty child by their side, then go for it.

No.  It doesn't matter in the slightest when computers were invented.  Announcing who is not invited is rude, whether you do that announcing by carrier pigeon, minstrels, planes flying banners, or your wedding website.  This is a rule of etiquette.  Etiquette =/= tradition.  Brides' parents paying for the wedding is an example of tradition, not etiquette.  You can break tradition without being rude.  You cannot break etiquette without being rude.

dolewhipper

I completely agree with not putting "no kids" on the wedding website. However, I have a few OOT guests who will be coming in probably with their children to make it like a family vacation and we will be having a babysitter at the hotel. How could you properly word that on the website?

Currently I have under a Q&A section of my website "What about the little ones?", with the answer, "We will be having a caregiver that shannonmaya & fi know personally and would trust with their own children at the resort. Please let shannonmaya know if you would need accommodations."

I want people to know I have this service without breaking rules. 

Danielle3219

We have the same situation, we are having my fiancee's kids, his sisters kids, and my sisters kid, but not inviting any other kids. 

I did not put anything on the save the dates or website but people have asked me and my response to everyone was "we are not inviting any children other then the ones in the wedding, if this causes an issue to where someone who wanted to attend cannot attend due to needing a sitter, let me know so we can work something out" So far everyone has worked it out and I haven't needed to explain any further. 

hyechica81

your invites say it all when the person recives the invite to Mr. and Mrs. john smith its for them only

and people should know that they should not send the response card back with more than 2 attending if so you have to call them and say its for the both of you only sorry

if the invite said mr and mrs john smith and family then its for everyone in the house