FFIL-Tux=dumbfounded!

HisGirlFriday13

MuppetOverlord said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

MuppetOverlord said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I don't think it's being petty to hold people to what they say. If he's too socially phobic to wear a tux, he's too socially phobic to make a speech. I just don't believe in letting people use made-up excuses to not do things they don't want to do but then pretending those excuses don't exist when it's something they want to do.

To me, this is no different than a kid who is 'too full' for dinner but 'still hungry enough' for cake. No. You can't have it both ways.

And I absolutely get that, for the OP, this isn't about a tux, it's about her FIL upsetting her FI.

DH's grandmother said, REPEATEDLY, 'I just don't know why I have to do X (wear a corsage, pose for photos, be seated as the grandmother of the groom)' until I finally said, 'I don't give a shit if you do or don't and I'd be happier if you didn't come but this seems to matter to DH who loves you for God only knows what reason so why don't you try to make him happy.'

Some people enjoy making other people unhappy. It's in their nature.

I find your interaction with her deplorable. I understand she's not a peach, but there's no way that I would be so disrespectful to someone that is important to my husband. I have serious issues with MIL. When she's being terrible, I stop responding to her and I let her son deal with her.  I am no better a person if I stoop to her behavior, it could only escalate the situation.

And seriously, it was a corsage. Let her complain, wear it, or not wear it. It required no interaction from you.

I'm so happy for you that you have never dealt with a passive-aggressive bitch. I'm glad you've never had that special kind of hell.

I did let it go until she told DH, 'I just don't think this is important enough for me to care.' Which hurt his feelings

And you know what? Sometimes you stand up to the bully and she backs down. And after our exchange, she never again questioned why OUR MARRIAGE was important to DH.

It worked. Also, until you have walked in the shoes of dealing with passive-aggressive, mean people, don't judge those of us who deal with them.

You've missed everything about my posts regarding being in the same position with a passive-aggressive MIL.  I have indeed had that special type of hell and I judge your approach.

ETA: Now that I understand how you speak to her, it provides a lot of perspective regarding how she continues to interact with you. It can't be working well for you because you keep putting yourself in situations with her that keep causing you to be upset with her.  I don't think this is at all a positive example for LAM to mimic.


So what's your explanation for her telling a 10-year-old, 'Congrats, you're not a bastard anymore and you're almost a real family'? Or telling my SIL on her wedding day, 'I guess your slutty plan worked and he did marry you afterall'?

Because they're both nice to her. And she still treats them like that. She ignores me. I totally think I'm coming out ahead in this scenario.


ETF typo

CMGragain

A word to the wise:

My mother cared about appearances more than anyone I ever knew.  When she married her last husband, she re-did his entire wardrobe with clothes she thought looked better on him.  He resented this.  When they divorced a few years later, he burned those suits.
Let FFIL wear what he wants.

PrettyGirlLost

I get it, your FI and his dad have relationship issues.  Using his dad's refusal to wear a tux as the excuse to hash it all out now is probably not going to be productive.  If they haven't made any efforts to work on their relationship all these years prior to your wedding, I wouldn't expect them to work it all out for your wedding.

FFIL spending time during the holidays with FI's ex might be indicative that he prefers her company to that of his son's, and that is his prerogative, dysfunctional as your FI might feel it is.  It might have nothing to do with your FFIL's view of you or your relationship with his son.  If your FI is truly upset with his father's relationship with his ex, he should discuss it with his father.  Perhaps counseling is in order.

But I would stay out of it.  Their issues with their relationship with each other are between them.

And you both need to get over this tux thing.  You don't get to dictate anyone's attire save your wedding party.  If your guests are going to clutch their pearls because FFIL is wearing a suit, they can all build a bridge together at the reception and get the hell over it.  Who cares what your guests think on this matter?  Their opinions are meaningless.

MuppetOverlord

hgf: The explanation is that she's a horrible person. But, she is a horrible person that your husband loves. Neither fact is going to change. It isn't going to help you to reciprocate with her. My suggestion is to let your husband deal with her. He can set boundaries and establish what he is going to allow to happen in their relationship. If she will disrespect you regardless if what he says, he can decide whether he wants to continue to accept her role in his life. And you can choose to participate in that relationship or not. You don't have to have lunch with her or see her at all. Both of your lives will be a lot happier. If my MIL disrespects me, i walk away and my husband tells her that is not acceptable, she doesn't see us for a long time. If she wants to see me again, or see him sooner she apologizes. Her actions have caused her to have her son in her life a lot less. She bitches to him, it doesn't help her.

MuppetOverlord

Bluebird, you can think you are right but I disagree with your assertion as a blanket statement. I'm really close to an ex's family. I'm actually at a restaurant waiting for his brother with my husband right now, the family was at my wedding. What I thibk is ok is that families that are forged in marriages and the entire family doesn't necessarily dissolve after divorce. I loved my ex husbands grandparents like my own and still had a relationship with them until they died, long after our divorce. It was a valid relationship that didn't make them live their grandson less. My uncles ex still sees my grandmother. What I think is sad about OPs situation is that they feel the need to be secretive about it.

LAM524

Wow...I missed much. Sorry, I had a busy weekend. First let me say that it is not about the tux. I think the issue of him wearing a tux took on a life of its own here! Im somewhat embarrassed that it seems that I made it all about the tux, I did not mean to. Although my FFIL did originally say that he would wear one (volunteered), when it comes down to it, I honestly dont care what he wears, other then my fiance's feelings. Truthfully, my fiance is a very reasonable. I believe it really comes down to his father doing something for him and in a very small way, this was something. In a very small way, I think my fiance feels this may have shown some support from his father for his wedding. Some involvement...participation. If this makes any sense. Please, like I said..a very small way. A bone. Sometimes when support isnt obvious, we tend to grab on to the most smallest of actions.

To address the "thanksgiving with ex wife"....I very much respect the fact that we can maintain relationships with our "ex" in laws. We only divorce our spouses. It's a 2 fold situation that is bothersome in this case. First and foremost, with respect to my fiance, without getting into the actual facts, his ex did things to him that is/should be absolutely unforgivable. I will say that she, being a married "christian" and married to a Pastor, heavily involved in church, the only way she could "remove" herself from the relationship and still contain her "christian woman status" was to lie, in the most horrible ways, to justify her behavior, and make it him who was the monster. Lies that destroyed his reputation with some and could have destroyed his position as a Pastor. Lies that forced him to leave his church of 20 years. BTW..after he did leave, truths come out, and the "church" admitted to making a grave mistake.  I can not even begin to describe how hard the situation was for my fiance and how physically sick he got. It took him a year to recover (emotionally) and a year and a half to begin working as a Pastor again. His father was/is aware of these things. One thing I will say, as an example, 6 months after they split, she was diagnosed with cancer and told others that he left because of the cancer. She even told a news paper reporter this lie and it was published!!! So terrible! The crazy of it, people that intimately know them, and know the situation, know the timeline! In case some wonder, he was going to go back into the relationship because she was ill (1st stage cancer) but because she was physically violent, the church Elders advised he not go back. They didnt advocate divorce but hoped she would partake in counsel and "change" her ways. She didnt, behavior escalated far beyond what any of us would have imagined, eventually leading to divorce. An extremely difficult decision for him.

In my opinion, his father should never give this woman the time of day (1st offense). Secondly, he (FFIL) says that he only goes to her home for the holiday(s) because of the kids (grandchildren, 22 and 14 years old). Another offensive reason/excuse. If my fiance did not have relationships with his children, it would be one thing, and understandable, but he does. His father could see the kids thru/with my fiance and he does (of course Im speaking of the 14 year old). My FFIL's excuse is one of complete disrespect and utter nonsense! We have her for the holidays. They do the holidays as a split day. FFIL could wait until fiance gets her.

I think this past holiday was the bigger offense and disappointment because it was the first holiday we were engaged, so the expectation on our part was great. We really "expected" to spend it with his father. Ya know, one big happy family. Also, FFIL obviously feels/knows its wrong because he lies about it. For me, yes, estrogen driven, knowing his ex as well as I do, she LOVES it! Its another way for her to turn the knife and I strongly dislike her thinking she has a "one up" on him, especially with his own family.

I do not feel its my place to ever address anything like this with his dad...and I won't. My fiance has to find the courage to address his father, honestly. They have a somewhat superficial relationship with matters of the heart, something that my fiance has recently admitted. I hope that one day, he can and will sit with his father and be real. If his father were to pass away, before my fiance can go deeper, he will never regain the opportunity. However, Im not so sure that 3 months before the wedding is a good time because there are no guarantees it will go well. Im not sure the chance is worth the risk of further harm.