Shower Dilemma

seshat303

My MOH has just very graciously offered to plan a shower and/or bachelorette party for me.  While a girls night bachelorette party sounds like a fabulous idea,I'm very much on the fence about a shower.  I've always seen them has more low-key family events, but my family (and most of our guest list) is all out of state.  We could, in theory, have it my hometown (MOH's suggestion) but my parents are less than amicably divorced and I don't know how comfortable my mom would be to have my step-mom and other relatives over at her house OR attending something at my dad's house. Plus, she has no relatives in the area so even hosting it on neutral ground may be uncomfortable.

Should I A) try to have it locally, but then who be appropriate to invite?  I'd feel bad inviting people to drive 5+ hours to give me a gift, that just seems gift grabbyish.   talk to my mom about how she feels about the guest list if it's in my hometown or C) Just say screw it all and decline the shower? I know all I really need to do is provide a guest list, but unfortunately that's the hard part.

doeydo

seshat303 said:

My MOH has just very graciously offered to plan a shower and/or bachelorette party for me.  While a girls night bachelorette party sounds like a fabulous idea,I'm very much on the fence about a shower.  I've always seen them has more low-key family events, but my family (and most of our guest list) is all out of state.  We could, in theory, have it my hometown (MOH's suggestion) but my parents are less than amicably divorced and I don't know how comfortable my mom would be to have my step-mom and other relatives over at her house OR attending something at my dad's house. Plus, she has no relatives in the area so even hosting it on neutral ground may be uncomfortable.

Should I A) try to have it locally, but then who be appropriate to invite?  I'd feel bad inviting people to drive 5+ hours to give me a gift, that just seems gift grabbyish.   talk to my mom about how she feels about the guest list if it's in my hometown or C) Just say screw it all and decline the shower? I know all I really need to do is provide a guest list, but unfortunately that's the hard part.

Um, if your MOH is hosting the shower then I think she can veto it being out of state (I wouldn't want to plan something so far away from where I live).  Also, why in the heck are you talking like the only two places to have a shower in your hometown is at your mom's or dad's?  You MOH is hosting, I believe she can pick a venue of her own...  
As for inviting guests, ask your MOH how many people she would be able to host, then decide if you want to invite those who are have a close relationship with you but might live far away or stick to something smaller with the locals.  Personally, weddings are a big-to-do in my family as they don't happen very often because there aren't a whole lot of people in the family to be getting married in the first place.  So, I would prefer to be invited to someone's shower even though it is a few hours away instead of them assuming I won't come and then not inviting me at all.

seshat303

My MOH was the one who suggested possibly doing it out of state since she knows  that's where my family is.  I mentioned  having it at my mom or dads because because  both would be happy to have something at their place, the only sticking point is potentially the guest list.  I am fully aware those are not the only options, but like I said I don't know if a neutral venue would make a difference.

Regardless of the total number of people my MOH can host it would be waited more heavily on my dad's side and I don't want to make my mom uncomfortable.  That is the main issue. 

ETA: I'm struggling with this beforehand because I don't want my MOH to put in all the work planning something and then have it blow up, so I'm trying figure out if its even worth it.

doeydo

Are your parents really not capable of swallowing their pride and being civil for your shower?  They will have to be for your wedding day, too.

Jen4948

doeydo said:

Are your parents really not capable of swallowing their pride and being civil for your shower?  They will have to be for your wedding day, too.

This.  They need to not use your wedding and wedding-related events as the forums to regurgitate all the issues related to their divorce.

phira

My question for you is whether or not, if you weren't dealing with family politics, you want a bridal shower. You're (understandably!) focused on your family dynamic in this post, so it's hard to tell if you'd be excited about a shower otherwise.

If a shower is something you really want, I'd recommend just letting your maid of honor know, "I'd love to have a shower in my hometown, but I'm concerned about having it at one of my parents' homes. I don't want you to have to hunt down a venue, though; would you like me to talk to my parents?"

Here's what happened three years ago for my brother's wedding.

My brother was getting married to my now ex-SIL. SIL's parents are NOT amicably divorced and they both married other people years ago. SIL's MOH was her stepsister--daughter of her stepmother who married her dad. Meanwhile, my parents are also not amicably divorced. I'm estranged from my dad, and my dad's parents (my grandparents) loathe my mother AND her mother (my other grandmother).

Bridal shower: Hosted mainly by MOH and her mother. Held at my SIL's mother's house. SIL's stepmother (MOH's mom) was at the shower and treated like a guest of honor.

Rehearsal dinner: Hosted by my mom, my dad, and my dad's wife. Held at my paternal grandparents' house.

At both events, people from both sides of both families were there (so my dad's wife was at the shower, as were my paternal and maternal aunts).

Both went fine. Everyone behaved. My mom wasn't comfortable being at my grandparents' house, and I wasn't comfortable being around my dad. I'm sure that my SIL's mother wasn't thrilled at having her ex-husband's wife at her house, or hosting an event with that woman's daughter. But everyone just sucked it up because we were excited about the wedding and marriage.

So, talk to your parents. It's true that your mom might not be SUPER thrilled at the idea of being at your dad's house, or having your step-mom at her house. But she also might LOVE the chance to help host her daughter's bridal shower. She might just be excited that you're having a shower, and she doesn't love being around your dad's house or his people, but whatever, it's one day, and it's your shower.

seshat303

For the wedding they will be seated at separate tables at opposite sides of room and in a much larger group with relatives from both sides present. Stupid and petty? Yes.  Is there much I can do about it? Not really, but it epically sucks to be stuck in the middle of it.

I honestly just want anyone invited to any wedding related events to be able to have a good time and would feel pretty crappy if I knowingly set up a situation where someone was uncomfortable. 

phira

I mean, we were all seated apart during the wedding, but we had to take pictures together.

I think you're getting REALLY caught up in trying to make sure that everyone's comfortable. Yes, you should be a kind and considerate host (and for your shower, your MOH should be a kind and considerate host). But I think you need to face the fact that you want to invite people who don't get along to the same party (whether it's the shower or the wedding). They'll deal with it because they're adults and they love you; there's no way to invite them all without making them uncomfortable.

seshat303

Thanks @phira! It's helpful to hear from someone who's dealt with similarly complicated dynamics.  Part my problem is I'm a pretty solid people-pleaser so while yes, I would love to have a nice intimate shower and spend time with my relatives, I have a hard time not feeling bad about tossing my mom in with a group that would only be my dads family and possibly a couple of my close friends (99% certain my sisters would not be able to make it).

I'll chat with my MOH more about what she's thinking guest- wise and then have chat with my mom.

seshat303

Yes, I am probably over concerned about people being happy for my shower.  At the wedding I feel like mom would actually have people to talk to, but since the shower would be much smaller I'm afraid that may not be the case.  Not that she would refuse to talk to anyone, but it would more likely be forced polite conversation rather than chit chat, KWIM?  I was super shy and socially awkward for a long time and I know how shitty it can feel to be put in situations like that which is why it's stressing me out.

SomethingBeautiful08

If she would otherwise be by herself in a see of former in-laws I can see how that would be uncomfortable.  An option might be to find a friend or other relative that could also attend and make her more comfortable.  Obviously if that person it not already invited to the wedding them and their SO would be but it is probably a good trade off.

saric83

I would just decline the shower.  It's certainly not a mandatory event to have, and it sounds like it would be more stress than fun for you anyway. 

Inkdancer

Also, remember that showers are often ladies-only events. It would be perfectly possible to have a shower at your mom's house and just not invite your dad. Make it a women's shower instead of a couples' shower and you're good to go.