Adoption Ethics

Grabows14

Dear Prudence: My brother has hit two of his ex-girlfriends. He also threw one of them into a wall. Neither of them pressed charges or even called the cops, so there is no record of his violence. Before meeting his wife, he went to counseling and anger management as a condition of staying in my life and our parents' lives. He is a much different man, but sometimes I see glimmers of his old temper. He and his wife cannot have children and hope to adopt. As part of their adoption booklet, they've asked my parents and me to write letters about them. I do not feel like I can do that and don’t know what to tell them or my parents, who mostly want to forget that he hit women. I also feel like I'm in a weird ethical place where I don't know if I should tell the agency about his acts of domestic violence. I know if I was a birth mother it would influence whether I gave my baby to them. What should I do?

Chipmunk415

Maybe tell the truth? Brother has anger issues, has been known to hit women in the past, though this was not reported to the police, and you're uncomfortable with the idea of him adopting kids? OP, do you know if the letters are sent directly to the agency? Or are they given to the potential parents to read and send on?

FiancB

Oh wow. I wonder if his wife knows about his past? That's a tough one. If I were the sister and the wife knew about it, I'd probably want to talk to her and see if she has any concerns about it. 

Teddy917

Chipmunk415 said:

Maybe tell the truth? Brother has anger issues, has been known to hit women in the past, though this was not reported to the police, and you're uncomfortable with the idea of him adopting kids? OP, do you know if the letters are sent directly to the agency? Or are they given to the potential parents to read and send on?

My husband's brother and SIL are starting foster care and it's a similar process. The letters will at least be looked at by the agency. I'm not sure if the parents will see them. For foster care, my husband and I aren't being asked to write letters, however, we are both being interviewed in a couple weeks. Although that could be because we live with them. Also, in order to adopt (this is how it is for foster care at least, adoption would probably be similar), another thing they will have to show is a backup plan. For if any sort of abuse or violence occurs, how will they keep the children safe.
That's at least the Utah Foster Care system.

Grabows14

Another reader who works for an agency answered this question in Dear Prudence. She said to be honest because if the dude is honest it will show up in his application process, so that makes him look more trustworthy if he acknowledges his problem. 

ReturnOfKuus

I would write it in the letter.