I feel like this is turning into a double wedding...

lacschmidt

My FI and I have been together for 7 years now and planning the wedding for the past year and a half. Recently his brother got engaged to his long time gf, and we couldn't be happier for them. However, they are planning their wedding for 5 weeks after ours. And since we're both planning it to be near our hometowns it involves a lot of travel for both parties since neither of us live anywhere near their anymore. We're doing a large, mostly family wedding, they are doing a small wedding because they don't want to ask the out of town family to travel 2x in 5 weeks. That's all fine with me. Recently, my future MIL mentioned that we do a party the day before our wedding to celebrate their engagement/5 weeks till they marry and a pre-wedding party for us. I'm not sure I love the idea. It kind of makes it feel like they are piggy backing on our wedding (steeling the spotlight as it were) and I think I'll have plenty to do the day before the wedding (like trying to relax and honestly I don't want to socialize with all the people I'll see the next day)!! I need help figuring out a way to say that I don't want a party the day before the wedding without sounding like a B*%$. I have a feeling if I say something I'll end up being the bad person, even though we've been planning our wedding first. Somehow we'll be the selfish ones for having the big wedding and not wanting to share with them. No double weddings here!

HisGirlFriday13

lacschmidt said:

My FI and I have been together for 7 years now and planning the wedding for the past year and a half. Recently his brother got engaged to his long time gf, and we couldn't be happier for them. However, they are planning their wedding for 5 weeks after ours. And since we're both planning it to be near our hometowns it involves a lot of travel for both parties since neither of us live anywhere near their anymore. We're doing a large, mostly family wedding, they are doing a small wedding because they don't want to ask the out of town family to travel 2x in 5 weeks. That's all fine with me. Recently, my future MIL mentioned that we do a party the day before our wedding to celebrate their engagement/5 weeks till they marry and a pre-wedding party for us. I'm not sure I love the idea. It kind of makes it feel like they are piggy backing on our wedding (steeling the spotlight as it were) and I think I'll have plenty to do the day before the wedding (like trying to relax and honestly I don't want to socialize with all the people I'll see the next day)!! I need help figuring out a way to say that I don't want a party the day before the wedding without sounding like a B*%$. I have a feeling if I say something I'll end up being the bad person, even though we've been planning our wedding first. Somehow we'll be the selfish ones for having the big wedding and not wanting to share with them. No double weddings here!

Just tell your FMIL that you'll be too busy the day before to commit to doing anything, that people are probably not going to want to travel in early for another party, and that it will be seen as gift-grabby to have a party for the other couple's wedding before their wedding and for a whole bunch of people who aren't invited to that wedding.

If I were a guest and I were invited to something like that, I'd see it as a gift-grab. Can your FI explain it to her that way?

Also, it's not your fault your FBIL and FSIL are planning a wedding so close to yours that makes them feel like they can't invite family to their wedding. That's on them, not on you.

NOLABridesmaid

I say think of it more as a welcome party, you know. You can breeze in and say hello to everyone and then bride #2 can take over.

Amyzen83

HisGirlFriday13 said:

lacschmidt said:

My FI and I have been together for 7 years now and planning the wedding for the past year and a half. Recently his brother got engaged to his long time gf, and we couldn't be happier for them. However, they are planning their wedding for 5 weeks after ours. And since we're both planning it to be near our hometowns it involves a lot of travel for both parties since neither of us live anywhere near their anymore. We're doing a large, mostly family wedding, they are doing a small wedding because they don't want to ask the out of town family to travel 2x in 5 weeks. That's all fine with me. Recently, my future MIL mentioned that we do a party the day before our wedding to celebrate their engagement/5 weeks till they marry and a pre-wedding party for us. I'm not sure I love the idea. It kind of makes it feel like they are piggy backing on our wedding (steeling the spotlight as it were) and I think I'll have plenty to do the day before the wedding (like trying to relax and honestly I don't want to socialize with all the people I'll see the next day)!! I need help figuring out a way to say that I don't want a party the day before the wedding without sounding like a B*%$. I have a feeling if I say something I'll end up being the bad person, even though we've been planning our wedding first. Somehow we'll be the selfish ones for having the big wedding and not wanting to share with them. No double weddings here!

Just tell your FMIL that you'll be too busy the day before to commit to doing anything, that people are probably not going to want to travel in early for another party, and that it will be seen as gift-grabby to have a party for the other couple's wedding before their wedding and for a whole bunch of people who aren't invited to that wedding.

If I were a guest and I were invited to something like that, I'd see it as a gift-grab. Can your FI explain it to her that way?

Also, it's not your fault your FBIL and FSIL are planning a wedding so close to yours that makes them feel like they can't invite family to their wedding. That's on them, not on you.

This is very excellent advice! Plus isn't the rehearsal usually the day before the wedding anyway?

Grabows14

Is there anyone on your BIL's list that isn't invited to your wedding that is going to be at the party? 

lacschmidt

We're getting married on a Sunday, and our venue is scheduled for another wedding Saturday so we're hoping to do rehearsal on Friday. Plus Bachelor/ Bachelorette parties sometime then too! I don't think they realize just how busy its going to be!

There will be my BIL's friends, and I'm not sure how much of the extended family they plan on inviting to their wedding. 

short+sassy

Your FI (not you, since it is his mother) should REALLY point out that engagement parties are thrown shortly after the engagement is announced...not just a few weeks before the wedding.  That is the part of your post that I actually find the most bizarre.  I mean, what's the point of an engagement party if the couple is getting married 5 weeks later anyway?

ReturnOfKuus

I'd decline an invitation to someone else's engagement party the day before my wedding.  I suggest you do the same.