Loose Lips Sink Ships

thisismynickname2

Ugh. On a girls' night out on Saturday I had too much wine and actually told my best friend dollar amounts of what we received from our parents for our wedding. 

My family just does not talk money. But, her sister is newly engaged and having trouble finding venues within a budget. My friend herself is planning to get engaged and trying to get a feel of what stuff costs in our area. It wouldn't be a total secret to my friend what we're paying for the wedding, considering the venue costs are plain as day on its website.  It just feels really awkward having given what's really our parents' business, not hers. I got too overly-sharing in an effort to help my friend's sister. (And apparently, her parents are giving each kid the same amount as what FI's parents are giving us, so it's not a problem of one of us being highfalutin or anything.)

<< hangs head in shame >>

FiancB

Meh, I don't think it's that big of a deal. My friends and I have all been pretty open about budget, whether parents are paying for it or not. It's part of planning. I get that it isn't really polite, but friends talk about a lot of things that aren't necessarily polite. Like periods.

climbingsingle

A few weeks ago, I had a little too much to drink and told two of my friends what my salary was. We never discuss things like that and I was super embarrassed the next day. 

It happens. Try not to stress about it too much. 

PolarBearFitz

I must say shit happens...sucks that alcohol got the best of you though. Unfortunately it happens to the best of us sometimes.

pinkcow13

Yea, I wouldn't worry too much. My best friend and I share a lot. Sucks that the wine got the best of you! Margarita's did that to me this weekend smh

emmyg65

I don't think you did anything wrong.

thisismynickname2

Thanks! Hopefully she had enough wine too, to forget what I said. LOL. 

pumpkinsandturkeys

I definitely understand that it can be awkward to talk any kind of finances, but at least it was said to a good friend.

FI keeps letting the cost of certain things slip to his friends and co-workers, and we had to have a little chat the other day because it really bothers me. While I don't generally care what people think about us, or about our wedding, I don't think it's necessary for acquaintances to know that we spent X dollars on invitations, or how much his suit cost. I find all of that to be personal, because we're the ones deciding how much money we're comfortable spending, and what we'll be spending it on, and sharing that with others is like inviting scrutiny and judgment. I wouldn't take anyone's opinions to heart, but it would be annoying if people started sharing them because they're aware of every financial detail.

OnionBreath

I don't think you did anything wrong either.

jdluvr06

I don't think it is a big deal. My friends and I talk about money stuff a lot. I know a lot of people think it is super personal but honestly we talk about things that feel waaaay more personal than financial stuff so we don't see what the big deal is.

Chipmunk415

FI's folks made a joke yesterday about how I'm not "marrying into money." Umm, money was never a consideration in falling for your son, but thanks.

I'm not too concerned about people knowing how much I make- as a state employee, my salary is public record. Literally, anyone can go on this one website, type in my name, and see how much I make annually.

What does bother me is when people like my FILs assume because my parents are retired and my Dad's a doctor, that they have money to throw around- example: my mom, FI, FIL's, and I went out to dinner some weeks ago to a well known Australian Themed Steakhouse chain restaurant. FI and his folks each had at least one alcoholic drink, mom and I stuck to water. They ordered an app, of which mom and I had a little bit. The bill was almost 150 plus tip. FI's folks threw in a 50 dollar gift card. That's it. Mom and I ponyed up the rest. That might seem like nbd, but I've heard off hand comments from them on occasion that makes me think they're a little jealous of my parents and their hard earned money and retirement.

 

For the record, I have no education debt, despite undergrad and law school. That was my parents' gift to me, though I did go to state schools and got a scholarship that covered all undergrad tuition. I've had "friends" complain about that, (one gal recently did that, and if it wouldn't have broken etiquette, I would have disinvited her right then and there for her nasty remark) but I've NEVER shoved it in their faces, made mention of it, etc. I've been complimented by people for the fact that in college I had money, but never showed it, unless you count offering to cover the apps we split when we went out for drinks.

thisismynickname2

@Chipmunk415 I think you have a good point about assumptions.  We never know what someone's personal financial circumstances are outside of maybe salary or estimated salary, and what they choose to spend on is their choice alone. Before I got engaged, I didn't expect a penny of help from anyone for a wedding (so it was nice that both our parents are contributing) because our parents' money is needed for their own retirement. Just because both our parents are small business owners doesn't mean they have cash to throw around. If anything, that makes them even more penny-pinching. 

And yay for undergrad scholarships- me too! 

@jdluvr06, I think the difference between talking money and talking other personal stuff is that most things are shared experiences. (Periods, health concerns, maybe even sex life.)  Money inspires the age-old tension between haves and have-nots, and opens people for judgement much more than anything else, I think.  For example, when I got my first full-time job out of college, I immediately moved to the nearest big city and got a crappy studio apartment. Another good friend was still in our college town waitressing. When she came to visit, she always wanted to go to these expensive bars and restaurants, whereas I didn't--- I was trying to save, and wanted to go to cheap bars.  Eventually I heard she was accusing me of being cheap, and she wasn't the only one. Another girl allegedly judged me for spending xxx on my city apartment. Well, guess who has no credit card debt, has savings and investments, and has her own condo, and guess who are in massive credit card debt or were never able to self-support without a man?  It's all-around judgment.  I wish they never judged me, and I wish I never knew enough about them to judge their choices. It's like, "Hey, sorry I'm too broke to go to dinner with you but check out my beautiful new manicure!" Ugh.  I feel much better not knowing anything about anyone's finances, and people not knowing anything about mine.