Another office question

kns1988

I know variations of this have been asked before, but I'm going to ask for opinions on my situation. Our wedding will be 3.5 hours away from the city where we live. I work on a team with 25 other people, almost all of whom have significant others or spouses. My director (big boss) and one person that I work closely with on a daily basis are constantly asking me wedding related questions and offering to do things to help with my wedding. I appreciate the offers, but I politely tell them it's covered. I'm starting to think that they expect to be invited. I wasn't going to invite anyone from work because if I invite one person, I would feel bad if I didn't invite them all. My manager got married last year and only invited his direct reports and a select few others, and I know it left a sour taste for some people.

I've read about inviting in circles, which I could see applying to this situation if the people expecting to be invited were in the same circle, but they're not. One is a boss and one is a peer. Am I overthinking this? Do I just continue to bean dip and not encourage wedding talk at work?

sarahufl

I think the general consensus is to invite people you work closely with. Do you actually feel close to all 25 people? That is 50 guests, which is pretty unreasonable to expect anyone to be able to add to a guest list if you don't have a close relationship.

I have a similar problem, lots of coworkers I work with closely. The people that are being invited are the people I see OUTSIDE of work. The coworkers I call if I need something not work-related or who I see on the weekends.

It is a bit easier for me bc I live in NYC and am getting married in FL, so the travel would be a huge barrier anyway. Good luck!

kns1988

I'm only "work friends" with people at work. The most we do in terms of socializing is going to lunch. I've never hung out on weekends or outside of work with anyone on my team.

pumpkinsandturkeys

Keep the bean dip coming.

I don't talk about my wedding much at work, save for a few select people. I've made it clear to everyone that we're having a small, intimate, family wedding, and they all respect that. One the other hand, a guy on my team just got married in the fall and only invited two other people we work with, despite having a 300 person wedding. That didn't bother me, but I think some other people were a bit put off.

You do need to think about social circles when inviting, and establishing rules. Circles were a BIG part of our guest list and what enabled us to keep our guest list so small. If you're equally close to the boss and the peer, they're technically in the same circle: work friends. If you invite one of them, you need to invite the other people you work with, with whom you're equally close. You can forgo co-workers who are just acquaintances you say hi to in passing, but not those you consider to be friends. And if everyone is on the same team, you can't invite a handful from the team and leave others out. Your other option is to cut all co-workers out completely.

We obviously opted for no co-workers, but I will be inviting one or two girls from work with whom I'm very close to my bachelorette party, so that they can celebrate with me then. We're also going to be having a casual open house later in the summer, and anyone we know will be welcome to attend that (it will be FAR from a PPD, I promise!).

emmyg65

I'd only invite colleagues that I actively socialize with outside of work.

pinkcow13

kns1988 said:

I'm only "work friends" with people at work. The most we do in terms of socializing is going to lunch. I've never hung out on weekends or outside of work with anyone on my team.

In this case, I would not feel bad about not inviting anyone from work. If you don't socialize with them outside of the office except for lunch, then they do not need to be invited. Definitely continue to bean dip, and if they don't get the hint stress that it will be more of a family event. It is nice that they are so interested and want to be helpful, but you shouldn't feel any obligation towards them.

I, (unfortunately in this case), am pretty social with a few people at work. I hang out with a core group outside of the work place, have met some of my coworkers SO's, best friends, and family members and have attended various functions for them (weddings, baby showers, etc). So right now I have 6 of my good friends from work and their SO's. 

WinstonsGirl

The only person I invited from work was a good friend that I hang out with regularly outside of work.  Bean dip them if they're not invited.  Some people are genuinely curious about wedding though, but don't feel the pressured to invite them though if you've not planning on it

LondonLisa

Yeah, I would not invite them. I would say something like "Thanks, but I really don't want to talk about my wedding at work" and then just bean dip away.

You said you are only work friends so no need to invite. The usual consensus with colleagues is if you get together regularly outside of work. 

Someone once said to me "Don't invite a couple/person that you wouldn't normally and regularly invite to dinner at your house with just you and your fi" (ie not just a casual BBQ but a "double date" style dinner) . That has actually been a really helpful rule for invites for us.

blabla89

I would avoid talking about the wedding at work, because other coworkers who aren't asking you about it may be tired of hearing it. At least that's how I felt about my coworker who just got married...

Also, I think you could invite your two coworkers without feeling obligated to invite the other 23. But you don't have to, especially if you wouldn't choose to hang out with them outside work, or don't have room in your budget.

Cookie Pusher

I'm in a very fortunate position of working in a very small office (9 of us total), so I can invite all of my wonderful coworkers with their SOs plus 2 people that have recently left the company who I socialize with outside of work (and their spouses, of course). However, if the dynamics were different, I would opt not to invite any of my coworkers unless I regularly socialized with them outside of the office. You have the option of inviting only those with whom you are particularly close to, but you'd run the risk of upsetting other coworkers. If you go this route, it's imperative that none of you talk about the wedding in front of others to minimize the chance of others finding out - but that still isn't a guarantee no one will hear about it later. You just have to be willing to accept that some of your other coworkers might be upset.